Patterns and Mishaps
I was in a definite funk yesterday. Yes I can blame it on my p-rad for being emotional and mentally open. It's normal and I welcome it, but yesterday was plain weird. I am trying to run more on my gut instinct to get me where I am set to go. So this means I do things on random and spur of the moment. Before I go into what happened yesterday, I'd like to state that the previous crush I had that hurt my feeling, completely lied to me to make himself feel better about breaking it off with me, which is bullshit. I do not want to think a man is perfect for me when he's not. When he breaks it off with me, I want it to be broken off, not left hanging on thinking he'll come back. I need to know it's over. So he tells me the reason he breaks it off with me is because he had ex issues and didn't want to get into a relationship with me because he had things to resolve within himself. He didn't want to hurt me. I told him I didn't even care if we had a relationship, we could just bang bang bang and have fun, like what I thought was going on in the first place. So I end up asking him if there was going to ever be a chance so I could get on with my life, which he replied no. He doesn't see himself dating me. Ok thanks for not sugar coating it anymore. Anyway, this weekend, I find out he has a girlfriend. A sweet little blondie Kirkland girl of 23. Ok, so now I am a little irritated. Just a little, but it's good because I can stop thinking he was being respectful, I can actually dislike him now and forget about it. He can now be erased from my mind. Little miss sunshine.
So then, yesterday I have the idea to call Grant to see if his number is still valid because he hadn't responded to any of my texts or previous calls. I hadn't spoken to him since before the mission was aborted. I was planning on deleting his number after no one answered, but he answered. I about shit. I wasn't expecting him to pick up. I ask him what was up and he starts on about what's going on in his life. Got fired a week ago, but it's ok cause he was too busy and that's why he didn't call. He said he tried to get a hold of me but was too busy. Uh, he didn't try. I had no responses and no calls. That is not trying. So then he tells me he's been seeing a girl since November, since he shot me up with a little alien. I like the fact he refused to tell me this when I was going to get an abortion. Bastard. So now, I'm in a restaurant, sitting next to my best friend with our two beautiful boys and all I want to do is cry. A double whammy. Blows to the heart, the gut, the total ego. I just felt completely fucked. And it's true. Both these guys fucked me, left me and had girlfriends immediately afterward, which they had assured me they weren't looking for. The truth is they weren't looking for it in me. I'm easy. I don't get the guy. I get fucked over and over and over. I'm trying to see my side in this and I see it. I see it loud and clear, I just don't know what to do different. I'm fed up with guys only seeing "this" girl that I am not anymore. I want it to be known that I want to be cared for and loved too. I do fucking care. I do have a heart that I want to share. I'm not sad because these guys aren't in my life anymore. I am happy they aren't because they are dirt bags. I'm sad this keeps happening and I'm confused about what to do when I decide to like someone again. I can tell you I have little trust in words. My shield is back up. I don't know how this will work when the time comes, but it's fucking scary. I've grown up not trusting anyone and I'm still alone. I want to let my guard down, but when I do, even just a little, I get fucked. This happens to everyone right? I am sure it does. I just never had to feel it before. I didn't care before. I didn't have to learn this before. I'm not as sad today. I'm looking forward to being alive and well and happy. I just want to be able to get what I deserve, and it's a long frustrating journey. I'm sure everyone knows. I'm done whining about it. I've got another test subject to play with for now.
So then, yesterday I have the idea to call Grant to see if his number is still valid because he hadn't responded to any of my texts or previous calls. I hadn't spoken to him since before the mission was aborted. I was planning on deleting his number after no one answered, but he answered. I about shit. I wasn't expecting him to pick up. I ask him what was up and he starts on about what's going on in his life. Got fired a week ago, but it's ok cause he was too busy and that's why he didn't call. He said he tried to get a hold of me but was too busy. Uh, he didn't try. I had no responses and no calls. That is not trying. So then he tells me he's been seeing a girl since November, since he shot me up with a little alien. I like the fact he refused to tell me this when I was going to get an abortion. Bastard. So now, I'm in a restaurant, sitting next to my best friend with our two beautiful boys and all I want to do is cry. A double whammy. Blows to the heart, the gut, the total ego. I just felt completely fucked. And it's true. Both these guys fucked me, left me and had girlfriends immediately afterward, which they had assured me they weren't looking for. The truth is they weren't looking for it in me. I'm easy. I don't get the guy. I get fucked over and over and over. I'm trying to see my side in this and I see it. I see it loud and clear, I just don't know what to do different. I'm fed up with guys only seeing "this" girl that I am not anymore. I want it to be known that I want to be cared for and loved too. I do fucking care. I do have a heart that I want to share. I'm not sad because these guys aren't in my life anymore. I am happy they aren't because they are dirt bags. I'm sad this keeps happening and I'm confused about what to do when I decide to like someone again. I can tell you I have little trust in words. My shield is back up. I don't know how this will work when the time comes, but it's fucking scary. I've grown up not trusting anyone and I'm still alone. I want to let my guard down, but when I do, even just a little, I get fucked. This happens to everyone right? I am sure it does. I just never had to feel it before. I didn't care before. I didn't have to learn this before. I'm not as sad today. I'm looking forward to being alive and well and happy. I just want to be able to get what I deserve, and it's a long frustrating journey. I'm sure everyone knows. I'm done whining about it. I've got another test subject to play with for now.