Vanilla or Fasting
This will be the hardest essay to write. I like vanilla, but I am also watching my cholesterol levels. As I approach 50, I continue to grow physically (also know as aging). I grow emotionally, and with that matures my sexuality. And I grow spirituality. As I grow and develop, my spiritual self emerges more and more.
From my twenties to my mid-forties, my sexuality was constantly guided by the concept of actual feminism - the pro-active conscious belief that women must have an equal role in society and fantasy - that the only enjoyable sexual experience for me would be when my partner is an aggressive, dominant, strong, woman and is in control. I really don't have to go into personal descriptions of female dominant, male submissive fantasies. My own personal favorite fetish has the same symbols, avatars, and icons as those of others. I trapped myself, however, because I never - NEVER - had a relationship with a woman who shared those fantasies.
There were several results - 1) I was exclusively attracted to, and attractive to, women who are strong individuals who wanted a supportive partners, 2) I made oriented myself as sexually submissive to my partners thought they generally saw us as sexually equal, 3) Excessive communication and uncomfortable experimentation led to misunderstanding and great frustration, and 4) I ultimately surrendered all my desires
I could have, perhaps should have, engaged services of a professional Dominant Woman (let's use the term Femdom). I deeply respect Femdoms and believe they are a great service to society. I have had real friendships with some. Why did I never have a session with one? Because I wanted to be Her slave, Her property, and there never was a Femdom who wanted me that way. Secondly, I wanted to be a slave and property to every woman who I was related to, even if she didn't see me that way, and even when given permission to go to a pro-Femdom, I did not, because I felt that I should be delivered to one. Very complex.
In the end of 1985, at the very height of all this complex sexuality, I got married. My wife is an extraordinary human being and our partnership has accomplished great and beautiful things. Sexually we are about as vanilla as vanilla comes. My complex sexuality caused the only crises in our marriage. My desire to be submissive to my wife increased the complexity of our sexual dance, made communication about sexuality impossible, and at times we were so frustrated we even talked about ending the marriage. My wife will not try to fulfill my desires, and any further discussion of the subject is in vain.
So, that was the status of my submissive adulthood as I turned 48 in the year 2005. This has been a turning point year.
So now, my spiritual self has come to its full importance. Here is my dharma.
1) I must be a good husband and partner.
2) My sexual desires have become a cause of suffering for myself and for my partner so they had to be abandoned.
I began the process of abandoning my desires around December of 2004. This is now the end of September 2005. They are gone. I know they are gone because I lived with them all my life. I can tell that they are gone.
I have begun to close things down symbolically as well, because it is appropriate to do so. At the end of 2004, in anticipation of this turning point, I made one last effort to reach out through the internet and created various web sites and blogs. I put myself on the internet and hoped that if it was the will of the Goddess, some woman would come and claim me. But the time for that experiment has run out. So I am shutting down those websites and resigning membership from groups. Thank you so very much if you have been reading!
How could I do this so quickly and easily? Well, I did not. My sexuality has not had a matching partner since it began to guide me in my childhood. It became an obsession that nearly ruined my partnership with my wife and our marriage of 20 years.
I have asked the question of why my wife was unable or unwilling to fulfill my desires. There is simply has no answer to that question because she just is unable to explain. .
I have come to accept, that my Goddess has put this into my life to make me give up this gift which She gave me when I was a child.
What desire do I have left? Is it vanilla? Have I learned to love vanilla? Not really. I must explain my point of view...
I believe I am a spiritual being. We all are. We have physical manifestations - some of us have male bodies some of us have female bodies. With these physical manifestations come thoughts, emotions, the ability to speak and act. The purpose of our physical beings is to realize the mission of the Inner Spiritual Being.
And that is why I love people. That is why I love myself. I call this love Compassion.
In my case, my mission has required that I grow by shedding my thoughts and emotions related to my desire to be sexually submissive to Spiritual Beings who have female physical manifestations, in particular, I must shed these desires regarding the Spiritual Being who I am married to.
I still would be happy to submit to any Spiritual Being with a "Female Dominant" physical manifestation, but there is no longer a desire that drives my words, thoughts, or actions. I would engage with a dominant physical manifestation as a submissive one, and truly be able to say, "If it pleases you."
As my 49th birthday approaches - I considered having a big blow out Femdom birthday party - but the desire just isn't there. The fantasies are no longer alive.
I have a lot of "things" to give a way - they are really nice "things" - barely used leather cuffs and collar sets, a beautiful flogger, a size 12 pair of thigh high platform boots, Smith & Wesson handcuffs, assorted videos, and a few other items. They are no longer "fetish" for me because they have lost the appreciation for their value.
Please understand - I do not recommend my path to anyone. We all must find our own paths. This is my path. I am very content on it. I do not have any regrets. I have had 20 years of resentment about my wife not fulfilling my desires, and that resentment was the core of my suffering. So I do not have resentment. I am grateful for my partnership with the Spiritual Being who married me and I love her.
I want to say that I have deep love and respect for all people and never judge anyone in the way their physical beings manifest their sexuality. I see some paths that cause more suffering than others, and I think that those who harm others and cause suffering suffer deeply themselves. I think some who deny their desires also suffer. In my case, I loved my desire, but I had to let it go. I was grateful for how my desire guided me, but it no longer has a purpose in my life.
In sexuality, there are many ways that we cause suffering for ourselves and others.
But I also do believe that with love and compassion and a desire to please one another, the diversity of sexual expression could relieve suffering and bring great joy and that those engaged this way can thus express their love and compassion.
So I celebrate with gay, lesbian, bisexual, dominants, submissives, transvestites, transgendered -- everyone, and all the straight arrow heterosexuals too. I thank you all for all that you have taught me. May your missions be accomplished. May your desires be fulfilled. And may you grow spiritually in this life time!
From my twenties to my mid-forties, my sexuality was constantly guided by the concept of actual feminism - the pro-active conscious belief that women must have an equal role in society and fantasy - that the only enjoyable sexual experience for me would be when my partner is an aggressive, dominant, strong, woman and is in control. I really don't have to go into personal descriptions of female dominant, male submissive fantasies. My own personal favorite fetish has the same symbols, avatars, and icons as those of others. I trapped myself, however, because I never - NEVER - had a relationship with a woman who shared those fantasies.
There were several results - 1) I was exclusively attracted to, and attractive to, women who are strong individuals who wanted a supportive partners, 2) I made oriented myself as sexually submissive to my partners thought they generally saw us as sexually equal, 3) Excessive communication and uncomfortable experimentation led to misunderstanding and great frustration, and 4) I ultimately surrendered all my desires
I could have, perhaps should have, engaged services of a professional Dominant Woman (let's use the term Femdom). I deeply respect Femdoms and believe they are a great service to society. I have had real friendships with some. Why did I never have a session with one? Because I wanted to be Her slave, Her property, and there never was a Femdom who wanted me that way. Secondly, I wanted to be a slave and property to every woman who I was related to, even if she didn't see me that way, and even when given permission to go to a pro-Femdom, I did not, because I felt that I should be delivered to one. Very complex.
In the end of 1985, at the very height of all this complex sexuality, I got married. My wife is an extraordinary human being and our partnership has accomplished great and beautiful things. Sexually we are about as vanilla as vanilla comes. My complex sexuality caused the only crises in our marriage. My desire to be submissive to my wife increased the complexity of our sexual dance, made communication about sexuality impossible, and at times we were so frustrated we even talked about ending the marriage. My wife will not try to fulfill my desires, and any further discussion of the subject is in vain.
So, that was the status of my submissive adulthood as I turned 48 in the year 2005. This has been a turning point year.
So now, my spiritual self has come to its full importance. Here is my dharma.
1) I must be a good husband and partner.
2) My sexual desires have become a cause of suffering for myself and for my partner so they had to be abandoned.
I began the process of abandoning my desires around December of 2004. This is now the end of September 2005. They are gone. I know they are gone because I lived with them all my life. I can tell that they are gone.
I have begun to close things down symbolically as well, because it is appropriate to do so. At the end of 2004, in anticipation of this turning point, I made one last effort to reach out through the internet and created various web sites and blogs. I put myself on the internet and hoped that if it was the will of the Goddess, some woman would come and claim me. But the time for that experiment has run out. So I am shutting down those websites and resigning membership from groups. Thank you so very much if you have been reading!
How could I do this so quickly and easily? Well, I did not. My sexuality has not had a matching partner since it began to guide me in my childhood. It became an obsession that nearly ruined my partnership with my wife and our marriage of 20 years.
I have asked the question of why my wife was unable or unwilling to fulfill my desires. There is simply has no answer to that question because she just is unable to explain. .
I have come to accept, that my Goddess has put this into my life to make me give up this gift which She gave me when I was a child.
What desire do I have left? Is it vanilla? Have I learned to love vanilla? Not really. I must explain my point of view...
I believe I am a spiritual being. We all are. We have physical manifestations - some of us have male bodies some of us have female bodies. With these physical manifestations come thoughts, emotions, the ability to speak and act. The purpose of our physical beings is to realize the mission of the Inner Spiritual Being.
And that is why I love people. That is why I love myself. I call this love Compassion.
In my case, my mission has required that I grow by shedding my thoughts and emotions related to my desire to be sexually submissive to Spiritual Beings who have female physical manifestations, in particular, I must shed these desires regarding the Spiritual Being who I am married to.
I still would be happy to submit to any Spiritual Being with a "Female Dominant" physical manifestation, but there is no longer a desire that drives my words, thoughts, or actions. I would engage with a dominant physical manifestation as a submissive one, and truly be able to say, "If it pleases you."
As my 49th birthday approaches - I considered having a big blow out Femdom birthday party - but the desire just isn't there. The fantasies are no longer alive.
I have a lot of "things" to give a way - they are really nice "things" - barely used leather cuffs and collar sets, a beautiful flogger, a size 12 pair of thigh high platform boots, Smith & Wesson handcuffs, assorted videos, and a few other items. They are no longer "fetish" for me because they have lost the appreciation for their value.
Please understand - I do not recommend my path to anyone. We all must find our own paths. This is my path. I am very content on it. I do not have any regrets. I have had 20 years of resentment about my wife not fulfilling my desires, and that resentment was the core of my suffering. So I do not have resentment. I am grateful for my partnership with the Spiritual Being who married me and I love her.
I want to say that I have deep love and respect for all people and never judge anyone in the way their physical beings manifest their sexuality. I see some paths that cause more suffering than others, and I think that those who harm others and cause suffering suffer deeply themselves. I think some who deny their desires also suffer. In my case, I loved my desire, but I had to let it go. I was grateful for how my desire guided me, but it no longer has a purpose in my life.
In sexuality, there are many ways that we cause suffering for ourselves and others.
But I also do believe that with love and compassion and a desire to please one another, the diversity of sexual expression could relieve suffering and bring great joy and that those engaged this way can thus express their love and compassion.
So I celebrate with gay, lesbian, bisexual, dominants, submissives, transvestites, transgendered -- everyone, and all the straight arrow heterosexuals too. I thank you all for all that you have taught me. May your missions be accomplished. May your desires be fulfilled. And may you grow spiritually in this life time!