(no subject)
On Tuesday, June 14, I went to my session with a Tantric therapist who visits periodically from Los Angeles. My wife and I went as a couple to a DC - based Tantric therapist a few months ago, but this time I went by myself. I turn 49 in October. It has been a year of acknowledging mid-life. A wonderful year for me. I will be writing a whole essay on that some day soon, maybe around my birthday. So this the first draft.
Anyway, so last night, Shara brought a little California to Washington, DC. It was completely different from the previous session with my wife. She transformed her hotel room into a temple - darkened, candles glowing, a deep tub with hot water and rose petals. We greeted one another's spirit, and she began speaking to me of some many things. Of course eventually there was removal of clothes, and sacred bath, and massage, but really that was not the most important part for me.
She stood me at a mirror, and showed me how I have let my body fall - the solar plexis, the center of qi energy, the stomach area. All had let go. The muscles that hold up the chest, that support the lower back had fallen, and the shoulders which should hang at rest have tried to compensate for the fall by pulling up.
Shara showed me how to use my muscles to lift everything back. I looked at myself in the mirror. "Okay," I thought, "This is what I do when I try to look young and energetic." But it was like puffing up. No she said, it is not the same as sucking in gut, or pushing out the chest like soldiers in review. This was the way I used to be before I let go. By creating new habits, consciously re-inventing myself, these muscles can be restored, the same way I develop any muscle for surfing, playing violin, carrying my daughter.
But it must be a new habit. I must be conscious of this new energetic self I am building when I am sitting at work at the computer, riding on the train to work, at meetings, with friends, and of course at home, and when I am intimate with my wife.
As the session progressed, I new that I have been consciously letting fall, and sending out "not available" messages with my physical body since September 9, 1985, the day we were married. Why? Because I am an "old fashioned" married spouse and no longer wanted women to be attracted to me. But over the 20 years, this has become so complicated and destructive to my physical self. And combined with some 30 years of being a male feminist, and 40 years of cultivating submissive sexual fantasies, I have consciously been turning off my production of testosterone. I have consciously demeaned testosterone.
Well, so now I have to re-invent myself, or really, add another aspect. I do have to start exercises to produce more testosterone. And all this is in synch with ongoing acupuncture treatment for hemorrhoids -- also caused by falling qi.
The same evening of my tantra session, Uranus went retrograde, which is for me marks a perfect time to begin this process.
As astrologer, Caroline W Casey says, imagination sets the tracks for the reality train to follow. Where do we want to go?
I have not liked being male, and have not wanted to attract people, but I have as result sent a different message - that I am a little boy on a leash to an indifferent wife. Which is not a true projection. But it has become physically manifested because I have made a habit of projecting this.
Over the last 40 some years, I have become a child of the Goddess, a feminist, have learned the sensuality of surrender, and I am also a man, a male consort to the Goddess in a sense, a lover, a father, a husband, a friend, a surfer - I can be male without being something I would not want to be or that compromises any of my inner feminine aspects.
So now, I am trying to re-become myself. I am sure that at least is familiar. As Shara said last night, I must inhabit my own male body.
Anyway, so last night, Shara brought a little California to Washington, DC. It was completely different from the previous session with my wife. She transformed her hotel room into a temple - darkened, candles glowing, a deep tub with hot water and rose petals. We greeted one another's spirit, and she began speaking to me of some many things. Of course eventually there was removal of clothes, and sacred bath, and massage, but really that was not the most important part for me.
She stood me at a mirror, and showed me how I have let my body fall - the solar plexis, the center of qi energy, the stomach area. All had let go. The muscles that hold up the chest, that support the lower back had fallen, and the shoulders which should hang at rest have tried to compensate for the fall by pulling up.
Shara showed me how to use my muscles to lift everything back. I looked at myself in the mirror. "Okay," I thought, "This is what I do when I try to look young and energetic." But it was like puffing up. No she said, it is not the same as sucking in gut, or pushing out the chest like soldiers in review. This was the way I used to be before I let go. By creating new habits, consciously re-inventing myself, these muscles can be restored, the same way I develop any muscle for surfing, playing violin, carrying my daughter.
But it must be a new habit. I must be conscious of this new energetic self I am building when I am sitting at work at the computer, riding on the train to work, at meetings, with friends, and of course at home, and when I am intimate with my wife.
As the session progressed, I new that I have been consciously letting fall, and sending out "not available" messages with my physical body since September 9, 1985, the day we were married. Why? Because I am an "old fashioned" married spouse and no longer wanted women to be attracted to me. But over the 20 years, this has become so complicated and destructive to my physical self. And combined with some 30 years of being a male feminist, and 40 years of cultivating submissive sexual fantasies, I have consciously been turning off my production of testosterone. I have consciously demeaned testosterone.
Well, so now I have to re-invent myself, or really, add another aspect. I do have to start exercises to produce more testosterone. And all this is in synch with ongoing acupuncture treatment for hemorrhoids -- also caused by falling qi.
The same evening of my tantra session, Uranus went retrograde, which is for me marks a perfect time to begin this process.
As astrologer, Caroline W Casey says, imagination sets the tracks for the reality train to follow. Where do we want to go?
I have not liked being male, and have not wanted to attract people, but I have as result sent a different message - that I am a little boy on a leash to an indifferent wife. Which is not a true projection. But it has become physically manifested because I have made a habit of projecting this.
Over the last 40 some years, I have become a child of the Goddess, a feminist, have learned the sensuality of surrender, and I am also a man, a male consort to the Goddess in a sense, a lover, a father, a husband, a friend, a surfer - I can be male without being something I would not want to be or that compromises any of my inner feminine aspects.
So now, I am trying to re-become myself. I am sure that at least is familiar. As Shara said last night, I must inhabit my own male body.