life is hard
I've had a huge falling out with my mother, who will possibly now try to withhold Sasha from me at all costs. Luc and I broke up for the last time just a few days before what would have been our six month anniversary. He... said that he was going to propose to me. Every star blinking was suddenly gone; that was this last week for me.
In an effort to keep going, no matter how exhausted... I have created the following list of goals that I have printed out and taped to my refrigerator door. I set them here as an entry so that I may look back on these goals one day and see that I tried again. I tried, at least once more.
"In this age, which believes that there is a shortcut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest." -- Henry Miller
As of April 10, 2008, my goals are…
1) Spend each night at home.
2) Take all pills (including vitamins) every day.
3) Maintain a clean, well-kept apartment.
4) Eat at least one meal per day.
5) Eliminate bad influences completely, and alcohol intake as much as possible. Remember Sasha.
6) Remember that Sasha is your priority. Happiness will be found if you are able to improve your relationship with her. Grow as a person, for her sake, and for the sake of those around you (whether they always treat you the same or not). But try not to be a doormat. Find balance.
7) Exercise at least twice a week.
8) Meditate and practice deep breathing whenever possible or needed.
9) Write. Read. Grow. Redevelop better habits.
10) Apply for and secure a workplace in order to do volunteer work for $100 bonus each month.
11) Study for the L. Take the L test. Believe you will pass it.
12) Try not to procrastinate SO MUCH.
13) Be a good person. Be a better person. Do not project your illness onto other people. Do not be so affected by every little thing, or even the major ones. Keep control of your emotions.
14) Set a budget and stick to it, which includes recording each spending endeavor.
15) Just… fucking keep trying. Keep going. Because of how much you love Sasha, and because there’s got to be a reason you’re alive. Please, please find it, and embrace it.
16) Survive the next year. Reevaluate a year from now. And find success. Be happy with what success you do find, no matter the pitiful gauge of it compared to others.
Feelin' It | Horrible
