it's easier to believe
Today, I am thankful for...
1) The moment when Sasha wouldn't close the door. My mother took her away from me all of last week, through Easter. And I only just got to see her again today. My heart aches when she says, "No! Stay here with me," because I wish that I could, but my heart also swells with pride that she can love me so much. As my sister was revving her car in which I would get a ride home, and my mother was continually asking Sasha to step back inside and close the door, Sasha and I had a conversation that will stay with me.
She didn't want me to go. I didn't want to go. I knew that. I think maybe she knew that. Her grandmother kept insisting that she close the door and go back inside. But she didn't want to go back inside without me. And I wanted to cradle her in my arms and take her to my place for her to stay with me forever and ever. (Or, until she turns 13 and goes through that teenage phase where she decides that she hates us all.) My heart was breaking even as I was staring at the very face that keeps it beating. And I was as reluctant to leave as she was to let me. I fought back tears as, finally, she was overpowered, and the door between us was closed. It calms me to know that the door is only closed for today. And that hopefully, on Tuesday, when I'm allowed to see her again, the door will be open once more.
2) Resilience. My illness is fighting like hell to make me surrender. But there's something human left yet in my spirit that won't let me leave. I will not leave this life which holds Sasha encased within it. And I will grow stronger, as long as I remember that change has to come eventually. It just has to. Things have to get better, and I have to believe that they will. Today, some parts of me do.
3) Art. I haven't sat down to write a story in what seems the longest time. I did so today. In my struggle to overcome the obstacle of getting an entire novel written, I have decided that perhaps first I'll try to publish a book of short stories, unconnected and having nothing to do with one another. I've always been better with short stories, anyway, and it might be the best way to get my feet wet.
Luc asked me to go out with him and have coffee with his uncle while I was in the middle of writing a story today. I didn't want to go, because I didn't know if I could sustain what it was I needed to get written down. But the entire time I was at the coffee shop, I was struggling to become myself and step out of the character I was embodying in order to keep the story in my mind. It amazed me, that feeling, that I really was becoming the character I was writing for those moments. It signifies to me that perhaps I'm finally ready to create characters of my own with lives worth remarking about.
Feelin' It | Artistic
1) The moment when Sasha wouldn't close the door. My mother took her away from me all of last week, through Easter. And I only just got to see her again today. My heart aches when she says, "No! Stay here with me," because I wish that I could, but my heart also swells with pride that she can love me so much. As my sister was revving her car in which I would get a ride home, and my mother was continually asking Sasha to step back inside and close the door, Sasha and I had a conversation that will stay with me.
She didn't want me to go. I didn't want to go. I knew that. I think maybe she knew that. Her grandmother kept insisting that she close the door and go back inside. But she didn't want to go back inside without me. And I wanted to cradle her in my arms and take her to my place for her to stay with me forever and ever. (Or, until she turns 13 and goes through that teenage phase where she decides that she hates us all.) My heart was breaking even as I was staring at the very face that keeps it beating. And I was as reluctant to leave as she was to let me. I fought back tears as, finally, she was overpowered, and the door between us was closed. It calms me to know that the door is only closed for today. And that hopefully, on Tuesday, when I'm allowed to see her again, the door will be open once more.
2) Resilience. My illness is fighting like hell to make me surrender. But there's something human left yet in my spirit that won't let me leave. I will not leave this life which holds Sasha encased within it. And I will grow stronger, as long as I remember that change has to come eventually. It just has to. Things have to get better, and I have to believe that they will. Today, some parts of me do.
3) Art. I haven't sat down to write a story in what seems the longest time. I did so today. In my struggle to overcome the obstacle of getting an entire novel written, I have decided that perhaps first I'll try to publish a book of short stories, unconnected and having nothing to do with one another. I've always been better with short stories, anyway, and it might be the best way to get my feet wet.
Luc asked me to go out with him and have coffee with his uncle while I was in the middle of writing a story today. I didn't want to go, because I didn't know if I could sustain what it was I needed to get written down. But the entire time I was at the coffee shop, I was struggling to become myself and step out of the character I was embodying in order to keep the story in my mind. It amazed me, that feeling, that I really was becoming the character I was writing for those moments. It signifies to me that perhaps I'm finally ready to create characters of my own with lives worth remarking about.
Feelin' It | Artistic