Dear Donna,
Dear Donna,
I doubt that you will ever get to read this. Part of me hopes that you do, but I doubt you will ever find this letter. If you do find it then you know who I am, the poor sod that put up with you for far longer than I should have.
I left you because it became clear that I was no longer needed, surplus to requirements. You only wanted me for my car, to do house work to bring you tea first thing of a morning, someone to shout at when things didn't go your way and to walk the dog when you were too lazy to do it yourself.
I would never have let you do everything in the house by yourself but expecting em to do things before I went to work was perhaps a trifle unfair when all you did after walking the dog was play those shit games on Facebook.
Not withstanding that I was holding down a full time job (just) trying not to loose my own sanity all whilst doing my very best to support you and your latest foul mood. I wasn't allowed to get close to you. You pushed me away. When I needed you myself you were doing your own thing and the pain I was going through at the time you didn't even noticed. Instead of supporting me you blew you temper, you mentally birated me over a stain on a table that in all honesty was in poor condition before we got it, it was marked and scuffed more than a second hand dart board.
Not content with that you blew a fuse when a cordless phone that you last used reminded you at 2am that it needed charging. You were the last person to use it, yet I was expected to get out of bed go find it. Not content with waking me up with your temper as something dared to beep and announce its batteries were going flat you stomped up stairs like an elephant on speed and slammed a door. Come to think if it was it really necessary to take the batteries out of the phone when all you had to do was put it back on charge ? That night like most others you acted like a spoilt child.
You knew I had certain problems with certain manual tasks, such as DIY, not because I was lazy but because I have a problem with hand eye co ordination that can't be over come no matter how many times you try and show me something or try teach me to do it, the result is always the same. Its not because I'm lazy, its because I lack the ability. Sadly you refused to accept my problems and refused to understand them and instead preferred to push me in another direction. All that did was push me away, push me further and further away from you than I was happy or even comfortable with.
The snoring problem, I'm a fat man, get over it. I was trying to do something to fix that but again I was stopped in my tracks when I looked to you for support. You started with the greatest of intentions but like with everything else you got bored, easily. There was no way on this earth was going to have an operation on my nose to have my nasal passages widened. Just the same as there is a cat in hells chance of you ever getting better and ditching that depression of yours and going back to work and becoming a member of the working forces.
I did everything I could to minimise that problem, including buying those god awful mouth guards. Do you know what those things have done to my teeth ? Cracked them, damaged beyond repair. Thanks to you later in life I'm going to need a bottom set of false teeth. Not only that they made my gums bleed to the point where I could not eat. All because you refused to put some ear plugs in because of your tinnitus. Come to think of it you didn't work so did it really matter that you got very little sleep when I was the one working keeping money coming in to pay the bills to keep a roof over our head ?
You may not have physically hurt me, all the damage you did was done under the skin. What you can't see. The comments you made to me when I didn't open a box properly. Big deal love that really didn't warrant that insult. Going on about me about my failings, no bloke wants to hear that. Instead of focusing on those like you did, you ignored what I was good at at. You forgot to take into account the things I did for you. The stuff I could do, the stuff I wanted to do.
All I ever wanted to do was love you and make you proud of me. I know I wasn't perfect, I never claimed to be. I was always me, I was always honest to you even though you will say that I wasn't. Name me one bloke, one who if wasn't getting any kind of intimacy from his partner for a prolonged period of time that would have stuck by you. I can promise you there aren't many, any other bloke would have been off to the first bit of skirt that so much as smiled at him. I am the last of a dieing breed, the last of a generation of gentlemen.
I actually felt after spending time with your ex that if anything I was a step up and probably likely to be the best bloke you were ever going to find in your life. I always used to think I was punching above my weight with you, but in fact it was the other way round. You were punching above your weight with me. I know now that I deserve better, that I can and will meet someone who will love me and treat me with respect. You respected me when I was useful, or when it suited you.
You took my heart, carved it up in front of me, took all the love and warmth I had to give and spat it out as if it were a raw piece of meet. I was made to feel as if I wasn't important in your life any more. That wasn't you, that wasn't the woman I fell in love with. You became an un-feeling monster that could see no other way forward other than to lash out at the one that love you the most.
I could paint lots of other examples of how I was hurt by you, but to be honest what good would that actually do either one of us ?
When I met you first I saw a beautiful, kind, gentle caring lady. Someone who I wanted to spend time with. The more time I spent with you the more I grew to like you. That turned into love, and that later turned into never wanting to leave your side.
Back then you supported me, as I supported you. You were always there for me. I couldn't wait to see your face and your smile after we had been a part for a few days. I lived for the moments were I could make you laugh and in turn you would make me laugh, or we would laugh together like a couple of retarded drains until we cried. That was us, that was love, always happy together. We had such a connection, we just worked.
That's what made being intimate with you so extra special. Knowing that we shared a connection which I thought was unbreakable.
I didn't want to leave you, but I was made to feel like I was always in the wrong, it was always me that needed to change and mend my ways, yet when I tried to point out that you needed to make changes too you wouldn't accept that.
With a heavy heart I left. I left for both of us. I left knowing that if we could not be happy together we could be happy again apart.
I don't ever regret the four years we spent together, I don't regret trying to make things work. I know deep down I did everything I possibly could to heal the rift which in reality was one hell of a gap in the space time vortex.
I know that you will regret not fighting for me, fighting to keep me, it really wouldn't have taken much effort from you. To have just made any kind of gesture or noise that I was still wanted and important to you would have been enough and you were willing to put things right too, but I got nothing - just heart ache, a head ache and not knowing exactly where I stood with you.
I miss you, well I mean to say I miss the person I fell in love with. I don't miss the person you became.
From me, always and forever but no longer yours.
Simon.
I doubt that you will ever get to read this. Part of me hopes that you do, but I doubt you will ever find this letter. If you do find it then you know who I am, the poor sod that put up with you for far longer than I should have.
I left you because it became clear that I was no longer needed, surplus to requirements. You only wanted me for my car, to do house work to bring you tea first thing of a morning, someone to shout at when things didn't go your way and to walk the dog when you were too lazy to do it yourself.
I would never have let you do everything in the house by yourself but expecting em to do things before I went to work was perhaps a trifle unfair when all you did after walking the dog was play those shit games on Facebook.
Not withstanding that I was holding down a full time job (just) trying not to loose my own sanity all whilst doing my very best to support you and your latest foul mood. I wasn't allowed to get close to you. You pushed me away. When I needed you myself you were doing your own thing and the pain I was going through at the time you didn't even noticed. Instead of supporting me you blew you temper, you mentally birated me over a stain on a table that in all honesty was in poor condition before we got it, it was marked and scuffed more than a second hand dart board.
Not content with that you blew a fuse when a cordless phone that you last used reminded you at 2am that it needed charging. You were the last person to use it, yet I was expected to get out of bed go find it. Not content with waking me up with your temper as something dared to beep and announce its batteries were going flat you stomped up stairs like an elephant on speed and slammed a door. Come to think if it was it really necessary to take the batteries out of the phone when all you had to do was put it back on charge ? That night like most others you acted like a spoilt child.
You knew I had certain problems with certain manual tasks, such as DIY, not because I was lazy but because I have a problem with hand eye co ordination that can't be over come no matter how many times you try and show me something or try teach me to do it, the result is always the same. Its not because I'm lazy, its because I lack the ability. Sadly you refused to accept my problems and refused to understand them and instead preferred to push me in another direction. All that did was push me away, push me further and further away from you than I was happy or even comfortable with.
The snoring problem, I'm a fat man, get over it. I was trying to do something to fix that but again I was stopped in my tracks when I looked to you for support. You started with the greatest of intentions but like with everything else you got bored, easily. There was no way on this earth was going to have an operation on my nose to have my nasal passages widened. Just the same as there is a cat in hells chance of you ever getting better and ditching that depression of yours and going back to work and becoming a member of the working forces.
I did everything I could to minimise that problem, including buying those god awful mouth guards. Do you know what those things have done to my teeth ? Cracked them, damaged beyond repair. Thanks to you later in life I'm going to need a bottom set of false teeth. Not only that they made my gums bleed to the point where I could not eat. All because you refused to put some ear plugs in because of your tinnitus. Come to think of it you didn't work so did it really matter that you got very little sleep when I was the one working keeping money coming in to pay the bills to keep a roof over our head ?
You may not have physically hurt me, all the damage you did was done under the skin. What you can't see. The comments you made to me when I didn't open a box properly. Big deal love that really didn't warrant that insult. Going on about me about my failings, no bloke wants to hear that. Instead of focusing on those like you did, you ignored what I was good at at. You forgot to take into account the things I did for you. The stuff I could do, the stuff I wanted to do.
All I ever wanted to do was love you and make you proud of me. I know I wasn't perfect, I never claimed to be. I was always me, I was always honest to you even though you will say that I wasn't. Name me one bloke, one who if wasn't getting any kind of intimacy from his partner for a prolonged period of time that would have stuck by you. I can promise you there aren't many, any other bloke would have been off to the first bit of skirt that so much as smiled at him. I am the last of a dieing breed, the last of a generation of gentlemen.
I actually felt after spending time with your ex that if anything I was a step up and probably likely to be the best bloke you were ever going to find in your life. I always used to think I was punching above my weight with you, but in fact it was the other way round. You were punching above your weight with me. I know now that I deserve better, that I can and will meet someone who will love me and treat me with respect. You respected me when I was useful, or when it suited you.
You took my heart, carved it up in front of me, took all the love and warmth I had to give and spat it out as if it were a raw piece of meet. I was made to feel as if I wasn't important in your life any more. That wasn't you, that wasn't the woman I fell in love with. You became an un-feeling monster that could see no other way forward other than to lash out at the one that love you the most.
I could paint lots of other examples of how I was hurt by you, but to be honest what good would that actually do either one of us ?
When I met you first I saw a beautiful, kind, gentle caring lady. Someone who I wanted to spend time with. The more time I spent with you the more I grew to like you. That turned into love, and that later turned into never wanting to leave your side.
Back then you supported me, as I supported you. You were always there for me. I couldn't wait to see your face and your smile after we had been a part for a few days. I lived for the moments were I could make you laugh and in turn you would make me laugh, or we would laugh together like a couple of retarded drains until we cried. That was us, that was love, always happy together. We had such a connection, we just worked.
That's what made being intimate with you so extra special. Knowing that we shared a connection which I thought was unbreakable.
I didn't want to leave you, but I was made to feel like I was always in the wrong, it was always me that needed to change and mend my ways, yet when I tried to point out that you needed to make changes too you wouldn't accept that.
With a heavy heart I left. I left for both of us. I left knowing that if we could not be happy together we could be happy again apart.
I don't ever regret the four years we spent together, I don't regret trying to make things work. I know deep down I did everything I possibly could to heal the rift which in reality was one hell of a gap in the space time vortex.
I know that you will regret not fighting for me, fighting to keep me, it really wouldn't have taken much effort from you. To have just made any kind of gesture or noise that I was still wanted and important to you would have been enough and you were willing to put things right too, but I got nothing - just heart ache, a head ache and not knowing exactly where I stood with you.
I miss you, well I mean to say I miss the person I fell in love with. I don't miss the person you became.
From me, always and forever but no longer yours.
Simon.