(no subject)
It seems like the only thing I ever do in this thing is complain, but it's the only time I every feel compelled to write something. Is that me being pessimistic? Why do I only write negative shit in this thing? Oh well.
I am nervous/anxious/bothered/worried about so so much going on right now, but that's because I have a lot to be nervous/anxious/bothered/worried about. I need a huge fucking slap in the face, metaphorically speaking. i don't really know how I stand with anyone in any way. At this point...I'm taking a step back and viewing everything as open-mindedly as possible, but it's hard. It seems like numerous GIGANTIC changes in my life will happen within the coming months.
If I was asked about where my life would be in three months from now, I couldn't even give an answer. I couldn't even tell you what friends I'll have, who I'll be close to, who I'll lose touch with, where I'll live, and what I'll be doing to avoid being a complete bum considering I'm not going to college right away. I feel like I'm so different than so many people around me. I'm looking to achieve and maintain such different things. Is that me wishing and hoping for too much? Or do I just need to be surrounded by different people? Sometimes I feel like I have to hinder my beliefs, my opinions, and my personality unles I'm around the right people. I can't do that. I need to be who I am ALL of the time. For example...I always feel compelled to be respectful and nice about everything, or at least strive to be that way. Why do I all of a sudden constantly strive to be a better person? Are the influences around me negative and I feel the need to counter their actions? It's something that's always on my mind lately. I don't understand why people always feel the need to be mean to each other. I guess it's because a lot of people focus on THEMSELVES and not on what's good for everyone or anyone else. I don't understand why I care about the things that I care about. Do i deserve everything that happens to me? Sometimes I feel like everything I do is a waste of time, but maybe it's because not everyone thinks the way I think, cares like me, or feels the way I feel. Honesty, openness, respect, passion, optimism, caring, and LOVE. I want all of this to play a huge part in my life in all aspects of my life for the rest of my life.
To be thrown into so much shit all at the same time is frightening, but maybe it's what I need right now. Maybe I need to make changes in my life. I feel as though I'm drifting away from a lot of people and maybe that's just a sign. Maybe instead of waiting for someone to slap me in the face and completely change my life, I need to do it myself. I need to take what's happening to me and adjust to it with my interests kept in mind.
I want to be passionate about what I do. No matter what I do, I want to put all of my effort into it and be satisfied with it's outcome. I want to feel like I'm doing something that MEANS SOMETHING to SOMEONE. Not just my occupation but ANYTHING.
I wish I had something to fall back on. There's so much that's going on with my life that is hard to deal with. I just wish I had something that's always there for me, that won't let me down, that I can always come to and expect to be in perfect condition. But, that's not reality. I know once things start to pick back up, things WILL improve and I may have some more things to look forward to. But the fact that I can't really count on ANYTHING to work the way I want it to work is a bit depressing, and makes me feel alone at times.
I realize his entry is really jumbled and I doubt anyone understands what I'm saying but it feels good to let everything out. It's so late and maybe I won't even think this way in the morning but this is how I feel now.
I am nervous/anxious/bothered/worried about so so much going on right now, but that's because I have a lot to be nervous/anxious/bothered/worried about. I need a huge fucking slap in the face, metaphorically speaking. i don't really know how I stand with anyone in any way. At this point...I'm taking a step back and viewing everything as open-mindedly as possible, but it's hard. It seems like numerous GIGANTIC changes in my life will happen within the coming months.
If I was asked about where my life would be in three months from now, I couldn't even give an answer. I couldn't even tell you what friends I'll have, who I'll be close to, who I'll lose touch with, where I'll live, and what I'll be doing to avoid being a complete bum considering I'm not going to college right away. I feel like I'm so different than so many people around me. I'm looking to achieve and maintain such different things. Is that me wishing and hoping for too much? Or do I just need to be surrounded by different people? Sometimes I feel like I have to hinder my beliefs, my opinions, and my personality unles I'm around the right people. I can't do that. I need to be who I am ALL of the time. For example...I always feel compelled to be respectful and nice about everything, or at least strive to be that way. Why do I all of a sudden constantly strive to be a better person? Are the influences around me negative and I feel the need to counter their actions? It's something that's always on my mind lately. I don't understand why people always feel the need to be mean to each other. I guess it's because a lot of people focus on THEMSELVES and not on what's good for everyone or anyone else. I don't understand why I care about the things that I care about. Do i deserve everything that happens to me? Sometimes I feel like everything I do is a waste of time, but maybe it's because not everyone thinks the way I think, cares like me, or feels the way I feel. Honesty, openness, respect, passion, optimism, caring, and LOVE. I want all of this to play a huge part in my life in all aspects of my life for the rest of my life.
To be thrown into so much shit all at the same time is frightening, but maybe it's what I need right now. Maybe I need to make changes in my life. I feel as though I'm drifting away from a lot of people and maybe that's just a sign. Maybe instead of waiting for someone to slap me in the face and completely change my life, I need to do it myself. I need to take what's happening to me and adjust to it with my interests kept in mind.
I want to be passionate about what I do. No matter what I do, I want to put all of my effort into it and be satisfied with it's outcome. I want to feel like I'm doing something that MEANS SOMETHING to SOMEONE. Not just my occupation but ANYTHING.
I wish I had something to fall back on. There's so much that's going on with my life that is hard to deal with. I just wish I had something that's always there for me, that won't let me down, that I can always come to and expect to be in perfect condition. But, that's not reality. I know once things start to pick back up, things WILL improve and I may have some more things to look forward to. But the fact that I can't really count on ANYTHING to work the way I want it to work is a bit depressing, and makes me feel alone at times.
I realize his entry is really jumbled and I doubt anyone understands what I'm saying but it feels good to let everything out. It's so late and maybe I won't even think this way in the morning but this is how I feel now.