don't f-f-f-fade away...
I got a bit of a bodyshock on Sunday, and I'm finding it hard to think about and talk about but it's affected me profoundly so I want to post to the wider stratosphere to see what you say.
Very tired at the weekend, fought hard to get to Church. I knew I would find the preacher difficult, but I was heartened by hearing his wife would be with him, and I haven't seen her in almost 6 months. She had a surgery over Christmas and has had ongoing health issues for very many years. So I was excited to see her, as she has been a great support to me over the years here and that has sustained me very greatly.
Something very wrong has happened to her. I expected to see her physically frail and damaged, her body has put up with a LOT in the last 15-20 years (I know very little so please don't ask, everything here is what I know) with kidney problems and cancer and other stuff I believe. I did not expect to see her with her psyche so badly damaged. Something very wrong has happened in her wrong and I have no idea what. It seems to be a kind of PTSD type reaction (n.b; this "diagnosis" is not mine but that of others knowing her much better than I do) to having carried all this stuff so long but her faith too is clearly battered and knowing this woman, this is actually the scariest thing. She knew where she was and stuff but just seemed so far away. She asked after Cara and knew everyone but it wasn't her.
It has left me very shaken and sad. There is nothing we can do save pray (and we do, lest that be thought the weaker option) but this has been a most profound shock. To see someone you view as a warrior fall so far down is scary, and has left me feeling vulnerable in ways I can't explain to you or anyone else.
I don't know what I mean or what I want to say. Perhaps you will permit my disorder and speak into it. It's not sympathy I'm looking for but a way to help/understand/something that feels more positive than this.
Very tired at the weekend, fought hard to get to Church. I knew I would find the preacher difficult, but I was heartened by hearing his wife would be with him, and I haven't seen her in almost 6 months. She had a surgery over Christmas and has had ongoing health issues for very many years. So I was excited to see her, as she has been a great support to me over the years here and that has sustained me very greatly.
Something very wrong has happened to her. I expected to see her physically frail and damaged, her body has put up with a LOT in the last 15-20 years (I know very little so please don't ask, everything here is what I know) with kidney problems and cancer and other stuff I believe. I did not expect to see her with her psyche so badly damaged. Something very wrong has happened in her wrong and I have no idea what. It seems to be a kind of PTSD type reaction (n.b; this "diagnosis" is not mine but that of others knowing her much better than I do) to having carried all this stuff so long but her faith too is clearly battered and knowing this woman, this is actually the scariest thing. She knew where she was and stuff but just seemed so far away. She asked after Cara and knew everyone but it wasn't her.
It has left me very shaken and sad. There is nothing we can do save pray (and we do, lest that be thought the weaker option) but this has been a most profound shock. To see someone you view as a warrior fall so far down is scary, and has left me feeling vulnerable in ways I can't explain to you or anyone else.
I don't know what I mean or what I want to say. Perhaps you will permit my disorder and speak into it. It's not sympathy I'm looking for but a way to help/understand/something that feels more positive than this.