this is stressing me to no end.
so.. ive been thinking about "friendship".
its funny how two people can become so close and be such GOOD friends.
and then out of nowhere you get smakced in the face with a big sloppy...
NOTHING
you are lost. you had such a great friend that u did everyhting with.. and they turn out to be a completely different and ugly person. ugly on the inside. mean. they ditch you .. for a boy. a boy they "hated". they lie.. about little things that dont matter.. things that people dont care about.. but for some reason they lie about it... why? to make them feel better about them selves? possibly. but we'll never know. and i feel like im the only person who sees this. well one special boy notices but.. it bothers me. like really BOTHERS me.. enough for me to wrtie about it in this live journal.. i am SO uncomfortable writting for the public to see.. but at the same time im having no problem at all venting it all out.
You thought u knew so much about that person. but what did u really know?.. nothing at all. other people tell you things from the past that u never thought ur "friend" would do. now dont get me wrong.. i know its the past. but everyhting leading up to this point has just pissed me off to no end. people have so much disrespect its discusting. its so hard bc i want nothign more then to just grab this person by the shoulders.. and shake them.. shake them so hard. hoping they will snap back to reality and realize whats really going on.
and by whats going on.. i mean life. your life, my life, EVERYBODYS life. you hurt people by your actions. you hurt me, you hurt my friends. and that hurts more then you hurting me. and yes yes.. i had a time where i was doing the hurting.. and maybe thats why its pissing me off so damn much.. its not worth it. i realized how much of a bitch i was being and i fixed it. i changed myself. im not saying im perfect.. bc im so far from it. but i wonder if this so called friend knows how much hurt is being handed to people. god i wish i could just go out and say everythign thats going on. theres so much that needs to be said.. but can it? can i really just let it all out? every little detail. no.. i cant. well.. maybe.
i dont know.. maybe i can.. but i know that what i can say is this- there are people that dont deserve to be hurt... but they are. there are people that dont deserve to be walked on .. but they were. people that u care about so much and it kills u to have to tell them "hey move on.. its not worth it" when u know thats not what they want to do. but u tell them that bc ur trying to be honest. something that certian people dont know of. and no matter how much it sucks .. thats what it is.
which leads me to trust. see... trust is huge. trust is scary. trust is something that u "think" you have with a person. and then one day u realize u dont. not even the slightest bit. when i realized that.. i was just in shock. i thought i was the girl you could tell ur problems too. u tell me something so serious that it put me into tears.. and then u say .. "dont tell anybody bc i have only told you". but no.. u told others. u have told many others. and this is where the "trust" starts to decay. then i find little lies here and there. stupid lies. but they still bother me. and then the little lies turn to big lies. lies that hurt. lies that throw the little of bit of trust that was left- away. gone. no more. so now what?
you have one life. and for many of us... its not an easy life.
so why make it harder by adding all of this stupid high school drama?
alright im done. i cant think about it anymore.