Fic: (VM) Striving to Be Seen by God (PG-13, Cassidy)
Title: Striving to be Seen by God
Author: Bedsidekibbles
Character/Pairing: Cassidy (Third Person introspection)
Word Count: 1160
Rating: PG-13, maybe R for darker themes
Summary: Cassidy's thoughts in third person during the finale, probably right before he lept.
Spoilers/Warnings: 2x22 major spoilers. DO NOT READ if you don't want to know what happened
Note: This kind of came out of nowhere. I don't do introspection too often, and I never thought I'd be doing VM fiction that wasn't Logan/Veronica. I suppose wonders never cease. Please, please let me know what you think about it. Sorry if the spacing is a little weird, cutting and pasting from Word didn't work quite the way I'd hoped.
His whole life, Cassidy had been striving to be seen. He had always been trying to be seen by anyone in his life: by his parents, his brother, his schoolmates, but most importantly by God. Striving to be seen as Cassidy, as his own person, and not as Beaver, who was just an extension of Dick, and would only ever be seen as such. Because he was his own person, and he wanted, he needed, the world to see that. He wanted to finally be Cassidy Casablancas, not Dick's little brother, or Big Dick's other son. Dick was the popular one, the one that had all the friends, and he was the smart one, the one that needed protection from bullies. But even Dick hadn’t been able to protect him from the biggest bully of them all.
Cassidy had seen a documentary on the Discovery channel once that had said that the reason that so many ancient civilizations built pyramids was to elevate themselves closer to where they believed God resided, and thus be seen by God. Cassidy was much the same and he had built his pyramids the best way he had known how.
For years a part of him had been missing. He had known, he’d always known, that it was a part that he’d never be able to get back. It was a part of himself that he had lost the first time Woody Goodman had touched him, and every time after that, he lost a little more. Woody Goodman had stolen a piece of Cassidy, he had been the one truly responsible for turning him into Beaver, turning him into someone who was weak, scared, and in need of protection. It was because of Woody Goodman that Cassidy had felt he needed to make himself seen by God. It was because of him that Cassidy had felt the need to show God what he had allowed to happen to a little boy who hadn’t even truly understood what exactly was happening to him. God had allowed Woody Goodman to molest a little boy, but not just one, God had sat by and allowed it all to happen, and Cassidy was going to make sure that God saw the results of what he had allowed to happen. God had apparently missed all the things that had been done to Cassidy, so Cassidy was going to make sure that he noticed all the things that Cassidy was now capable of.
So he had built himself a pyramid, a pyramid of lies and violence and destruction, to bring himself closer to God, so that God would finally notice Cassidy Casablancas and realize what he had allowed to happen to that little boy who had only ever wanted to be noticed. Who still just wanted to be noticed. And he had been. When Veronica realized she had been raped, he had been noticed. When she finally started to look for who had done it, he had been noticed. When the bus went off the cliff and killed all those people, he had been noticed. But not really, that was just a lie he told himself, and he knew it. He knew that his actions had been noticed, but he was still being overlooked. He also knew that it wouldn’t last forever. He hadn’t gone into his junior year planning to die, but by the end of it he knew there wasn’t going to be any other choice. He wasn’t going to prison. Not where what had happened to him to cause all of this would happen again.
So he knew, eventually he would be discovered, and he knew he would have to end it, once and for all. He had hoped when it all came to an end, he would be able to do it in a way that he would still be able to find some forgiveness, from Dick and Mac at the very least. They were really the only ones he had cared about in a very long time. Dick was his brother, and he did love him, no matter how much he drove him crazy and no matter how much he resented him. Dick had always done his best to protect him, and Cassidy had never wanted him to find out just how much he had failed.
Mac…he really had loved her. She was the one person to finally notice him, to like him, to love him for who he was. He had done his best to protect her in all of this, he hadn’t wanted to hurt her, but he knew now that it was too late. Leaving her like that, having raped her friend, killed her classmates…he had hurt her, before he even knew her. Before he even loved her. He had hurt Dick too, even if Dick would never really realize just how much. He had never wanted to hurt either of them.
If only Marcos and Peter had just let it go, if only they had promised not to bring him into it, he could have just let it go. He wouldn’t have had to make sure that they couldn’t tell everybody about what had happened to him. But they couldn’t just leave it alone. So Cassidy had figured that if he was going to be outed, as it were, if he was going to be noticed, it was going to be by everyone, and it was going to be on his terms. So he had blown up a bus, and everyone had noticed. Even God had to have noticed. And Cassidy finally felt vindicated. God had finally seen what he had allowed to happen to Cassidy Casablancas, and he was sorry for ever not noticing. For once in his life, Cassidy was the one that everybody was talking about.
But eventually Cassidy realized that they weren’t talking about him. No one ever ever ever would have suspected sweet little Cassidy Casablancas to be capable of things like rape and murder. And for awhile, that had been okay. But as time went on, it became less so. He hadn’t been able to do anything with Mac; he hadn’t been able to allow himself to touch and be touched by someone he cared about, because Woody Goodman had damaged him. And suddenly, his revenge on the world, on God, for doing him wrong, wasn’t enough anymore. He hadn’t made people hurt like he hurt. He hadn’t shown people what he was capable of. He hadn’t been seen by God, because if he had, God would have fixed it. He would have forgiven him, redeemed him, and fixed him. He would have finally made everything okay. But he hadn’t.
Because in the end, Cassidy knew, there was no God. No one left to save him or to fix him, to redeem him or to forgive him. In the end he only had himself, and his entire life he had been striving for nothing at all.
Author: Bedsidekibbles
Character/Pairing: Cassidy (Third Person introspection)
Word Count: 1160
Rating: PG-13, maybe R for darker themes
Summary: Cassidy's thoughts in third person during the finale, probably right before he lept.
Spoilers/Warnings: 2x22 major spoilers. DO NOT READ if you don't want to know what happened
Note: This kind of came out of nowhere. I don't do introspection too often, and I never thought I'd be doing VM fiction that wasn't Logan/Veronica. I suppose wonders never cease. Please, please let me know what you think about it. Sorry if the spacing is a little weird, cutting and pasting from Word didn't work quite the way I'd hoped.
His whole life, Cassidy had been striving to be seen. He had always been trying to be seen by anyone in his life: by his parents, his brother, his schoolmates, but most importantly by God. Striving to be seen as Cassidy, as his own person, and not as Beaver, who was just an extension of Dick, and would only ever be seen as such. Because he was his own person, and he wanted, he needed, the world to see that. He wanted to finally be Cassidy Casablancas, not Dick's little brother, or Big Dick's other son. Dick was the popular one, the one that had all the friends, and he was the smart one, the one that needed protection from bullies. But even Dick hadn’t been able to protect him from the biggest bully of them all.
Cassidy had seen a documentary on the Discovery channel once that had said that the reason that so many ancient civilizations built pyramids was to elevate themselves closer to where they believed God resided, and thus be seen by God. Cassidy was much the same and he had built his pyramids the best way he had known how.
For years a part of him had been missing. He had known, he’d always known, that it was a part that he’d never be able to get back. It was a part of himself that he had lost the first time Woody Goodman had touched him, and every time after that, he lost a little more. Woody Goodman had stolen a piece of Cassidy, he had been the one truly responsible for turning him into Beaver, turning him into someone who was weak, scared, and in need of protection. It was because of Woody Goodman that Cassidy had felt he needed to make himself seen by God. It was because of him that Cassidy had felt the need to show God what he had allowed to happen to a little boy who hadn’t even truly understood what exactly was happening to him. God had allowed Woody Goodman to molest a little boy, but not just one, God had sat by and allowed it all to happen, and Cassidy was going to make sure that God saw the results of what he had allowed to happen. God had apparently missed all the things that had been done to Cassidy, so Cassidy was going to make sure that he noticed all the things that Cassidy was now capable of.
So he had built himself a pyramid, a pyramid of lies and violence and destruction, to bring himself closer to God, so that God would finally notice Cassidy Casablancas and realize what he had allowed to happen to that little boy who had only ever wanted to be noticed. Who still just wanted to be noticed. And he had been. When Veronica realized she had been raped, he had been noticed. When she finally started to look for who had done it, he had been noticed. When the bus went off the cliff and killed all those people, he had been noticed. But not really, that was just a lie he told himself, and he knew it. He knew that his actions had been noticed, but he was still being overlooked. He also knew that it wouldn’t last forever. He hadn’t gone into his junior year planning to die, but by the end of it he knew there wasn’t going to be any other choice. He wasn’t going to prison. Not where what had happened to him to cause all of this would happen again.
So he knew, eventually he would be discovered, and he knew he would have to end it, once and for all. He had hoped when it all came to an end, he would be able to do it in a way that he would still be able to find some forgiveness, from Dick and Mac at the very least. They were really the only ones he had cared about in a very long time. Dick was his brother, and he did love him, no matter how much he drove him crazy and no matter how much he resented him. Dick had always done his best to protect him, and Cassidy had never wanted him to find out just how much he had failed.
Mac…he really had loved her. She was the one person to finally notice him, to like him, to love him for who he was. He had done his best to protect her in all of this, he hadn’t wanted to hurt her, but he knew now that it was too late. Leaving her like that, having raped her friend, killed her classmates…he had hurt her, before he even knew her. Before he even loved her. He had hurt Dick too, even if Dick would never really realize just how much. He had never wanted to hurt either of them.
If only Marcos and Peter had just let it go, if only they had promised not to bring him into it, he could have just let it go. He wouldn’t have had to make sure that they couldn’t tell everybody about what had happened to him. But they couldn’t just leave it alone. So Cassidy had figured that if he was going to be outed, as it were, if he was going to be noticed, it was going to be by everyone, and it was going to be on his terms. So he had blown up a bus, and everyone had noticed. Even God had to have noticed. And Cassidy finally felt vindicated. God had finally seen what he had allowed to happen to Cassidy Casablancas, and he was sorry for ever not noticing. For once in his life, Cassidy was the one that everybody was talking about.
But eventually Cassidy realized that they weren’t talking about him. No one ever ever ever would have suspected sweet little Cassidy Casablancas to be capable of things like rape and murder. And for awhile, that had been okay. But as time went on, it became less so. He hadn’t been able to do anything with Mac; he hadn’t been able to allow himself to touch and be touched by someone he cared about, because Woody Goodman had damaged him. And suddenly, his revenge on the world, on God, for doing him wrong, wasn’t enough anymore. He hadn’t made people hurt like he hurt. He hadn’t shown people what he was capable of. He hadn’t been seen by God, because if he had, God would have fixed it. He would have forgiven him, redeemed him, and fixed him. He would have finally made everything okay. But he hadn’t.
Because in the end, Cassidy knew, there was no God. No one left to save him or to fix him, to redeem him or to forgive him. In the end he only had himself, and his entire life he had been striving for nothing at all.