What Is This Thing Called Life
I can't even begin to have any idea as to where I should start, so I'll start at the only place I can think of... Facebook.
I actually really like what I wrote today in a facebook conversation... well, I wouldn't really call it a conversation, as I was doing so much typing that the only thing the guy had a chance to say during a 20-minute time period was "good ideas", and he only had the chance to say that once. But anyway, here goes nothing... it was rapid-fire thinking so it doesn't necessarily all make a ton of sense, but it still makes more than enough sense and it's probably the most I've managed to figure out so far about life, cause all I know of right now is that I am totally and completely UNHAPPY.
"In all honesty, I'm kind of glad that I didn't go... I really just need time to sort my life out without a million and one people around me... College has overwhelmed me with unfamiliarness and I sorta just feel like a piece of driftwood in the ocean... everything that I thought was right in the world got changed by going to college... Some of it was good change and some of it was not good change. In the end, I am glad that I was given a chance to re-examine my values
but it's hard to really re-examine your life and your values and your beliefs while you are surrounded by 150 other people all the fucking time... and part of that was my fault. actually, a lot of it was my fault. I'd go hide out in my room, but that's where Erin and Jeremiah hung out. It's my fault that I never said anything to them because I'm the only one that truly knows what I am feeling... I complained to other people, but that doesn't change anything... and even if Erin and Jeremiah weren't constantly in my room, it's still not the place to go hide out because half the school knew what room I was in and they would just come knock on the door and they you feel guilty if you don't answer the door, so you answer it and they want to talk and your alone time is gone... so, I think this next semester will involve a lot of snowboarding just because it gets me away from everyone... and a lot of time in the library because people don't really come there to bug you because they assume that you are studying
and theres a shitload of guys at the school and only like 5 girls that stay in the dorms on a consistent basis and as one guy put it "no girl doesn't like the attention she gets from guys here"... Yea, we like the attention, but only to a point... When there are 10 guys looking at you at any given moment, it's weird... when 100 guys are watching you in the cafeteria it's downright creepy... and while everyone is so busy pointing out how many guys are at the school, do they even think of how it makes me feel to constantly hear about how there's so many hot single guys around... yet I can't manage to get one
everyone says that college is supposed to be this amazing time in your life, but it doesn't feel like it... it just makes me feel alone and out of place and confused and all kinds of other feelings that I don't appreciate
a year ago, I had a damn good idea of what life meant and what I wanted and now it's shot... all of it... pretty much every fucking little piece of it, just out the window... i don't know where it went... i don't even have anywhere to start except for starting with my own unhappiness, and not to be sadistic, but theres a lot of it... As a person, I changed SO MUCH as a person... and I don't think there's one single change that I've liked
I have become less outgoing, less confident in what I believe, more of a push-over, I don't go after what I want, I break promises and it doesn't even phase me- heck I make promises with no intention of keeping them... I get every piece of something put in front of me and I STILL take no action towards doing it... I get given good advice, know I should follow it, pretend to make an effort for an hour, and then just abandon it, meanwhile telling several people that I'm working on it... I get told this guy can get me a job if I have a resume written by morning, it was a job that i wanted more than anything in the world, and I still couldn't mange to write the fricken thing
Among the 20 guys I liked during 1 semester was a 30 year old guy, who I would never even begin to consider thinking about liking if I had any of my brain left
I ditched the Unitarians which was probably a good thing because they were pissing me off, but while ditching them I lost any identity that I did have
I guess I envy my friend Phil... he seems to have it all put together so well... I know that he probably doesn't because no 19 year old truly knows what they want out of life, but he sure does a damn good job of looking/acting/seeming composed and like he has some clue what is going on with his life... and yes, he is INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLY Christian... but that didn't do it for him either... It probably gave him the idea that he wanted to dedicate his life to spreading God's word because I know Christianity has done a whole lot for him, so at least it gave him a basis to start from... but I don't think believing in God just magically makes your life all work out and seem so easy and simplistic and put together... everyone struggles with trying to figure out their life and what they want and what's important to them... it's called growing up... but sometimes I just wish I could be him cause he makes it seem so easy... deep down in this mess that I call a life, I have an idea of the components of happiness, but I can't seem to find those components and they just aren't fitting together in an order that makes sense"
I guess I don't really have the energy to write more... mostly I think because I don't know what else there is to write... I know theres more to write but my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head that I don't understand them at all.
I actually really like what I wrote today in a facebook conversation... well, I wouldn't really call it a conversation, as I was doing so much typing that the only thing the guy had a chance to say during a 20-minute time period was "good ideas", and he only had the chance to say that once. But anyway, here goes nothing... it was rapid-fire thinking so it doesn't necessarily all make a ton of sense, but it still makes more than enough sense and it's probably the most I've managed to figure out so far about life, cause all I know of right now is that I am totally and completely UNHAPPY.
"In all honesty, I'm kind of glad that I didn't go... I really just need time to sort my life out without a million and one people around me... College has overwhelmed me with unfamiliarness and I sorta just feel like a piece of driftwood in the ocean... everything that I thought was right in the world got changed by going to college... Some of it was good change and some of it was not good change. In the end, I am glad that I was given a chance to re-examine my values
but it's hard to really re-examine your life and your values and your beliefs while you are surrounded by 150 other people all the fucking time... and part of that was my fault. actually, a lot of it was my fault. I'd go hide out in my room, but that's where Erin and Jeremiah hung out. It's my fault that I never said anything to them because I'm the only one that truly knows what I am feeling... I complained to other people, but that doesn't change anything... and even if Erin and Jeremiah weren't constantly in my room, it's still not the place to go hide out because half the school knew what room I was in and they would just come knock on the door and they you feel guilty if you don't answer the door, so you answer it and they want to talk and your alone time is gone... so, I think this next semester will involve a lot of snowboarding just because it gets me away from everyone... and a lot of time in the library because people don't really come there to bug you because they assume that you are studying
and theres a shitload of guys at the school and only like 5 girls that stay in the dorms on a consistent basis and as one guy put it "no girl doesn't like the attention she gets from guys here"... Yea, we like the attention, but only to a point... When there are 10 guys looking at you at any given moment, it's weird... when 100 guys are watching you in the cafeteria it's downright creepy... and while everyone is so busy pointing out how many guys are at the school, do they even think of how it makes me feel to constantly hear about how there's so many hot single guys around... yet I can't manage to get one
everyone says that college is supposed to be this amazing time in your life, but it doesn't feel like it... it just makes me feel alone and out of place and confused and all kinds of other feelings that I don't appreciate
a year ago, I had a damn good idea of what life meant and what I wanted and now it's shot... all of it... pretty much every fucking little piece of it, just out the window... i don't know where it went... i don't even have anywhere to start except for starting with my own unhappiness, and not to be sadistic, but theres a lot of it... As a person, I changed SO MUCH as a person... and I don't think there's one single change that I've liked
I have become less outgoing, less confident in what I believe, more of a push-over, I don't go after what I want, I break promises and it doesn't even phase me- heck I make promises with no intention of keeping them... I get every piece of something put in front of me and I STILL take no action towards doing it... I get given good advice, know I should follow it, pretend to make an effort for an hour, and then just abandon it, meanwhile telling several people that I'm working on it... I get told this guy can get me a job if I have a resume written by morning, it was a job that i wanted more than anything in the world, and I still couldn't mange to write the fricken thing
Among the 20 guys I liked during 1 semester was a 30 year old guy, who I would never even begin to consider thinking about liking if I had any of my brain left
I ditched the Unitarians which was probably a good thing because they were pissing me off, but while ditching them I lost any identity that I did have
I guess I envy my friend Phil... he seems to have it all put together so well... I know that he probably doesn't because no 19 year old truly knows what they want out of life, but he sure does a damn good job of looking/acting/seeming composed and like he has some clue what is going on with his life... and yes, he is INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLY Christian... but that didn't do it for him either... It probably gave him the idea that he wanted to dedicate his life to spreading God's word because I know Christianity has done a whole lot for him, so at least it gave him a basis to start from... but I don't think believing in God just magically makes your life all work out and seem so easy and simplistic and put together... everyone struggles with trying to figure out their life and what they want and what's important to them... it's called growing up... but sometimes I just wish I could be him cause he makes it seem so easy... deep down in this mess that I call a life, I have an idea of the components of happiness, but I can't seem to find those components and they just aren't fitting together in an order that makes sense"
I guess I don't really have the energy to write more... mostly I think because I don't know what else there is to write... I know theres more to write but my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head that I don't understand them at all.