Goodbye OC :::Another Day:::
So tonight was the season finally of OC. which i will so miss!! did anyone else like almost cry?! well i got a little glossy eyed...
Ok well im sitting in bed right now trying to talk myself down, i have been so worked up these past few weeks and i have no idea whats going on! What the F**K is wrong with me?! i was doing so well and at the end of my senior year, when everything is supose to be coming together, everything starts falling apart. im so bored of everything nothing satisfies me anymore i just dont have the energy nor am i in the mood to do anything. I want to spend the days crying in my room, and i know that that only makes it worse. Ive been trying to stay out of my house and heep buisy for the most part, i went and watched a movie at olivers with soffer and yeah i was scared shitless!!! (we saw the ring) but of course i have to get that phone call from my nagging mother to set me off, already i was gone, by the time i got home i was blasting dashboard and limp bizkit break stuff. i get home and immidiatly leave to go to the hospital to visit my dad cause he just had surgery and the whole way there my mom is bugging me about keeping secrets from her and she doesnt know whats wrong with me! I dont know what the fuck is wrong with me i cant tell you! she of course thinks its drugs or alcohol or sex lol she asked me 3 fucking times if i was pregnant! I was like Shelly who the fuck would i be pregnant with? but thats a whole different topic and im getting off on a tanget :P so yeah my parents are bugging me about not caring about golf to the point my father is sitting in the hospital bed and as we are leaving asks me to stay and talk to him and is telling me how golf should mean more to me!! WTF i have way too many things going on in my head right now for me to be thinking about golf its not like im playing next year at school there isnt eaven a TEAM!!AAAHHHHHHHHHH
So yeah i was watching the OC and i think that the real reason why i started to cry because i wish i was Seth. Many of my friends want to be with seth cohen, no i want to be him. I want to be able to get in a boat and sail far away from here and maybe never come back. I have been thinking about that lately, i drive, to no where imparticular and wonder what i would do if i just kept going. I feel like there is nothing here for me anyway i dont want to be here all it does is cause pain. I just wish i could be normal! i wish that i could go to bed at night without crying again i wish that i could wake up and feel happy about who i am and what i am. I wish i could be content with anything that i have. no i have to be the spoiled selfish suberbian rich girl who is never satisfies with what she has. I have a roof over my head, i have parents who care about me (sometimes), i have money for clothes, i have money for food. What else is there?? happyness?!? but who really has that?! i guess the druggies who are in a state of euphoria or the people in institutions who are again drugged into ablivion but to me it seems that humans ona whole a fuck up creatures so what gives me the right to be so angry, so depressed, so hateful. i just dont give a fuck anymore i wish i could just leave forever, i know that i always can, but do i want to?! well i guess then again thats not something that i really want to discuss on here for everyone to read (not like poeple read it anyway...) ::sigh:: i dunno guess ill just go stair at my ceiling and pretend to go to sleep......:::Sigh:::Another Day:::
~~~~~~
Ok well im sitting in bed right now trying to talk myself down, i have been so worked up these past few weeks and i have no idea whats going on! What the F**K is wrong with me?! i was doing so well and at the end of my senior year, when everything is supose to be coming together, everything starts falling apart. im so bored of everything nothing satisfies me anymore i just dont have the energy nor am i in the mood to do anything. I want to spend the days crying in my room, and i know that that only makes it worse. Ive been trying to stay out of my house and heep buisy for the most part, i went and watched a movie at olivers with soffer and yeah i was scared shitless!!! (we saw the ring) but of course i have to get that phone call from my nagging mother to set me off, already i was gone, by the time i got home i was blasting dashboard and limp bizkit break stuff. i get home and immidiatly leave to go to the hospital to visit my dad cause he just had surgery and the whole way there my mom is bugging me about keeping secrets from her and she doesnt know whats wrong with me! I dont know what the fuck is wrong with me i cant tell you! she of course thinks its drugs or alcohol or sex lol she asked me 3 fucking times if i was pregnant! I was like Shelly who the fuck would i be pregnant with? but thats a whole different topic and im getting off on a tanget :P so yeah my parents are bugging me about not caring about golf to the point my father is sitting in the hospital bed and as we are leaving asks me to stay and talk to him and is telling me how golf should mean more to me!! WTF i have way too many things going on in my head right now for me to be thinking about golf its not like im playing next year at school there isnt eaven a TEAM!!AAAHHHHHHHHHH
So yeah i was watching the OC and i think that the real reason why i started to cry because i wish i was Seth. Many of my friends want to be with seth cohen, no i want to be him. I want to be able to get in a boat and sail far away from here and maybe never come back. I have been thinking about that lately, i drive, to no where imparticular and wonder what i would do if i just kept going. I feel like there is nothing here for me anyway i dont want to be here all it does is cause pain. I just wish i could be normal! i wish that i could go to bed at night without crying again i wish that i could wake up and feel happy about who i am and what i am. I wish i could be content with anything that i have. no i have to be the spoiled selfish suberbian rich girl who is never satisfies with what she has. I have a roof over my head, i have parents who care about me (sometimes), i have money for clothes, i have money for food. What else is there?? happyness?!? but who really has that?! i guess the druggies who are in a state of euphoria or the people in institutions who are again drugged into ablivion but to me it seems that humans ona whole a fuck up creatures so what gives me the right to be so angry, so depressed, so hateful. i just dont give a fuck anymore i wish i could just leave forever, i know that i always can, but do i want to?! well i guess then again thats not something that i really want to discuss on here for everyone to read (not like poeple read it anyway...) ::sigh:: i dunno guess ill just go stair at my ceiling and pretend to go to sleep......:::Sigh:::Another Day:::
~~~~~~