its been a long time...
Wow i dont even know when the last time i wrote in this was... well before september because i know that i have not written in it since i have been here. I love it here, i finally feel like i belong somewhere, people love me. I have the greatest group of friends and everything. there is like 6 of us, me deirdre, rebecca brown/caroline, lesya, audry, and amandover. The other day for my birthday they took me out to dinner and it was so awsoem they picked this like really nice place and it was so great! they all gave me cards which i was so not expecting, and rebecca brown got me a picture frame with a picture of all of us in it and a matching photo album and disposable camera. I almost wanted to cry when i opened it! it was amazing. If someone was to come up to me last year at this point and tell me how amazing it would be here i would nto have believed them at all. i have changed so much from last year in so many ways. I am def still struggling with alot of the issues that i did but im not nearly as bad as i was. Although i am having an amazing time here adn have awsoem friends who i feel like i have known forever i still feel like this is like summer camp that will be over soon and i can go home and go back to high school with all my other friends. its the ones that i wasnt really best friends with that i sometimes miss more. the ones that i havent kept as much in touch with, Larken...i miss you so much! i havent talked to you at all!! i miss the entire anatomy class and how we were all so close, i miss disecting curly Bo! i miss kori and amanda bishop and micheala in english class where we were all just acting funny! i miss highschool. I also just miss the way things were! i wish that things hadn't changed scince everyone went to college. when i was home over fall break, i hung out with one of my groups of friends that i have been friends wiht for the logest, and we went down the shore like we always use to, this time it was different though...i....it just didnt feel like i fit in anymore. It was weid it felt like everyone was trying so hard to pretend that nothing had changed at all and that nothing was different although we all knew that we were different and we hada ll changed. over thanksgiving i didnt even really hang out with them. i wasnt called or included and i realized that i didnt need to see them if they didnt want to see me. my other group of friends although i only became such good friends with them senior year were amazing they called me everyday, they called me the day i got in to see what i was up to and it was just so much more fun with them, there is never a dull moment and although we are sitting around its fun, while with the other people we end up sitting in ur kitchen and doing nothing, its gotten old and boring. I know that i have changed since i have been here at college, i have tried to become more confident and i dunno but i just think that i am different hehe.
In other ways though, i have not changed. Recently i have gone back to old behaviors. i have been struggling with this for about 5 or 6 years now and i just cant seem to kick it. i thought that i was in the clear...this summer i did so well, i had some downs but for the most part ok. since school started, in september i had a small down but not bad, but recently its just all been downhill. I cant explain what it was that started me off or what the last thing that set me off that made me grab the scissors were, all i know is that the signs are there, and the scar tissue will always be there. i didnt talk to my Dr cause well, i just didnt feel like it, its like it was too much effort, and part of me doesnt want help. i dont understnad why its so bad!?! so i cut myself...big fucking whoop! no one knows but me and at this point its not like im doing it to try to kill myself i mean cuts on your legs isnt really gunna kill me! so whats the big deal why do i have to stop?! but then there is the part of me that thinks about a friend, or more than one and how i always tell them not to do it, so why not me? why the double standard. do i not care as much about myself as i do others?! what exactly am i upset with anyway?! i mean im not with my family anymore, i talk to them about once a week (yeah i know thats bad but i dont miss them all that much) i dont have to deal with all the fights between my parents or between me and my sister at all! so what is so wrong with me that i need to be doing this again, and to think that its ok. BAH my doctor told me to put tape on the scissors so that i would have to unwravel it if i wanted to cut myself again and if after i unwraveled the scissers i still wanted to cut than i could. im nto sure how this is going to work, i know that part of me thinks its wrong but the other like 2/3 doesnt see the problem, no real long term effects except the scars but there is a great sort term effect, it makes you feel so much better!!
AH WTF!!! ok w/e i dont care, all my fucking entries are about how i cut myself and that im a self mutilator and shit so... yeah my classes end friday adn then finals start. i have a final on wednesday, thursday and monday and then tuesday i have surgery so anyone who reads this (which will be no one) can come and visit me and make me feel better!
ok well thats enough for today....gotta go do some work...
<3
"wake up all alone, sending postcards back to home from the road, If this medication works, could i be the way i was, in control....nobody can save me, nobody can save me, nobody can say what ill do if im alone..."
In other ways though, i have not changed. Recently i have gone back to old behaviors. i have been struggling with this for about 5 or 6 years now and i just cant seem to kick it. i thought that i was in the clear...this summer i did so well, i had some downs but for the most part ok. since school started, in september i had a small down but not bad, but recently its just all been downhill. I cant explain what it was that started me off or what the last thing that set me off that made me grab the scissors were, all i know is that the signs are there, and the scar tissue will always be there. i didnt talk to my Dr cause well, i just didnt feel like it, its like it was too much effort, and part of me doesnt want help. i dont understnad why its so bad!?! so i cut myself...big fucking whoop! no one knows but me and at this point its not like im doing it to try to kill myself i mean cuts on your legs isnt really gunna kill me! so whats the big deal why do i have to stop?! but then there is the part of me that thinks about a friend, or more than one and how i always tell them not to do it, so why not me? why the double standard. do i not care as much about myself as i do others?! what exactly am i upset with anyway?! i mean im not with my family anymore, i talk to them about once a week (yeah i know thats bad but i dont miss them all that much) i dont have to deal with all the fights between my parents or between me and my sister at all! so what is so wrong with me that i need to be doing this again, and to think that its ok. BAH my doctor told me to put tape on the scissors so that i would have to unwravel it if i wanted to cut myself again and if after i unwraveled the scissers i still wanted to cut than i could. im nto sure how this is going to work, i know that part of me thinks its wrong but the other like 2/3 doesnt see the problem, no real long term effects except the scars but there is a great sort term effect, it makes you feel so much better!!
AH WTF!!! ok w/e i dont care, all my fucking entries are about how i cut myself and that im a self mutilator and shit so... yeah my classes end friday adn then finals start. i have a final on wednesday, thursday and monday and then tuesday i have surgery so anyone who reads this (which will be no one) can come and visit me and make me feel better!
ok well thats enough for today....gotta go do some work...
<3
"wake up all alone, sending postcards back to home from the road, If this medication works, could i be the way i was, in control....nobody can save me, nobody can save me, nobody can say what ill do if im alone..."