bricks remaining...
It was a rather long and lonely evening...consequent from a discussion Chris and I had after dinner in reference to one of the guys at work. Seemingly in his own tidal wave of chaos, involving a doped up wife embezzling money from the company to "feed her needs." Just tip toeing around the subject matter of drugs, draws my defences against him...because I know what is intended as indirect conversation, will inevitably become, direct fire.
In the conversation, it was revealed that this particular person had gotten to the point that she was door to door with acquaintances, asking for any unused prescription meds at hand...working gas station corners with children at tote, ect. I was astounded at the extent people go through in their addictions...and mistakenly made that precise comment. oops.
Evidently in his eyes, I'm not one who can make such a statement. As I tried to dismiss "the almighty's judgement" and remind that my once recreational experiences were just that...he was quick to point out that any addict would claim the same position. It's at times like this, I grow furious with myself and my open honesty with him in reguards to my past...but it's just that, my past...with which has brought me to my present. It's not through justification that I attempt to explain myself to him...but for purpose of acceptance, and understanding. Two things, I don't know will ever be accomplished between us. I sat with a paper and pencil minutes ago, attempting to draw some things out for him, but then questioned myself. Why am I the one who has to put so much effort in trying to BE understood...in a PAST tense...when he's not even willing to bend TO understanding it.
There were several dysfunctional factors in life...and I made some fucked up decisions...knowing that I was doing so. But I've never run from any of my problems, and took full responsibility for the mistakes that I made head on. I don't hide any of it, and occassionally, even use my experiences to try and understand current matters around us. I don't WANT to walk blind folded...or plug my ears to things I don't want to hear.
I am proud of who I've become, and accept that there is just as much good as there was bad in my decisions. I don't claim to be anything more than I am. I just wish that felt acceptable enough, at times. We've broken so many boundries in our relationship...made so much progress during our time. One minute I'm ecstatic that we've conquered Great Walls...the next, I'm saddened at the mere fact that bricks remain.