(no subject)
I haven’t posted on livejournal in forever, obviously, but I am currently facing the exact sort of adolescent quandary that lends itself to expression through this venue.
I’ve been loosely involved with this boy for about a year. Friends with benefits basically, although it isn’t that simple. And there is a part of me that has been very much okay with that. Everything in my life is up in the air right now, as is everything in his life. I am not interested in making false promises or having false promises made to me. Caution is a wonderful thing, a necessary thing. He has been careful with my feelings and with our friendship in a way that several other people in my past were not, and I am extremely grateful for that. He treats me with more caution and respect than I am used to, more than I am able to demand, and his presence in my life has completely raised the bar. Because of him I will never again put up with the things I used to settle for.
But on the other hand, I am settling in a way. Because although the practical side of me understands exactly where he’s coming from and why he cannot handle anything serious right now, there is a huge part of me that doesn’t understand, and that wants an official relationship no matter what the risks. And then there’s the objective part of me that knows damn well that if someone else were in this situation, I would probably tell them that despite all of the baroque explanations, the bottom line is that they are allowing themselves to be kept on the hook.
So far, I haven’t really had to confront it. I haven’t really liked anyone else in the past year, and the only people who have approached me have done so in a sleazy manner that I used to respond to, but that now (because of him, mainly), completely turns me off and offends me. The few who have approached me in a respectful manner I have just been completely disinterested in. So it’s been very easy to just keep going along with things with him.
But then, last night, I went out with some friends for Pride. I went intending just to dance and have a good time. I honestly had no expectations for the night at all. Then, as soon as we showed up, a friend introduced us to her coworker, who I was immediately attracted to. She was exactly my type of woman; casual femme, bohemian look, longish dreds, curvaceous. We started talking and did not stop the entire night. We both grew up in the inner city but had parents who made sure we were exposed to other things. She’s spent a lot of time in places where she was the token black girl, as I have spent a large portion of time being the token white girl. She loves Audre Lorde and Zora and early Toni Morrison, loves Chris Rock, loves Tori, Ani, Indigo Girls, Tracy Chapman, Missy Elliot. She made it clear all night that I am exactly her type…at the end of the night we danced and exchanged numbers and she told me to call her.
And now I have no idea what to do. I’m not exclusively involved with anyone, I know that. I know that I have no responsibility and don’t owe the boy anything. And I like this girl. I wouldn’t mind spending more time with her. Not only that, but I feel like the universe is calling me out a little bit. I have been able to find excuses to dismiss everyone else who has approached me since starting things up with the boy. But I really have no excuse with this girl.
Except that I’m in love with somebody else. And the last thing on earth I want to do is to be the flaky bi girl who gets involved with a woman and then runs back to the man. But maybe that in itself is just an excuse. I have no idea what she’s looking for. I should probably just call her and see what happens.
And I also don’t want to be put in a position where I have to give the boy an ultimatum. Although, on the other hand, it’s been a goddamn year. It’s probably time for an ultimatum.
And then, maybe she was just drunk and won’t return my call, lol, who knows. The fucked up thing is that I would probably feel relieved if that were the case, because then I wouldn’t have to make any decisions. I am just terrified that when it comes to this sort of thing, I am doomed to always make the wrong decision.
It’ll be interesting to see what happens.
I’ve been loosely involved with this boy for about a year. Friends with benefits basically, although it isn’t that simple. And there is a part of me that has been very much okay with that. Everything in my life is up in the air right now, as is everything in his life. I am not interested in making false promises or having false promises made to me. Caution is a wonderful thing, a necessary thing. He has been careful with my feelings and with our friendship in a way that several other people in my past were not, and I am extremely grateful for that. He treats me with more caution and respect than I am used to, more than I am able to demand, and his presence in my life has completely raised the bar. Because of him I will never again put up with the things I used to settle for.
But on the other hand, I am settling in a way. Because although the practical side of me understands exactly where he’s coming from and why he cannot handle anything serious right now, there is a huge part of me that doesn’t understand, and that wants an official relationship no matter what the risks. And then there’s the objective part of me that knows damn well that if someone else were in this situation, I would probably tell them that despite all of the baroque explanations, the bottom line is that they are allowing themselves to be kept on the hook.
So far, I haven’t really had to confront it. I haven’t really liked anyone else in the past year, and the only people who have approached me have done so in a sleazy manner that I used to respond to, but that now (because of him, mainly), completely turns me off and offends me. The few who have approached me in a respectful manner I have just been completely disinterested in. So it’s been very easy to just keep going along with things with him.
But then, last night, I went out with some friends for Pride. I went intending just to dance and have a good time. I honestly had no expectations for the night at all. Then, as soon as we showed up, a friend introduced us to her coworker, who I was immediately attracted to. She was exactly my type of woman; casual femme, bohemian look, longish dreds, curvaceous. We started talking and did not stop the entire night. We both grew up in the inner city but had parents who made sure we were exposed to other things. She’s spent a lot of time in places where she was the token black girl, as I have spent a large portion of time being the token white girl. She loves Audre Lorde and Zora and early Toni Morrison, loves Chris Rock, loves Tori, Ani, Indigo Girls, Tracy Chapman, Missy Elliot. She made it clear all night that I am exactly her type…at the end of the night we danced and exchanged numbers and she told me to call her.
And now I have no idea what to do. I’m not exclusively involved with anyone, I know that. I know that I have no responsibility and don’t owe the boy anything. And I like this girl. I wouldn’t mind spending more time with her. Not only that, but I feel like the universe is calling me out a little bit. I have been able to find excuses to dismiss everyone else who has approached me since starting things up with the boy. But I really have no excuse with this girl.
Except that I’m in love with somebody else. And the last thing on earth I want to do is to be the flaky bi girl who gets involved with a woman and then runs back to the man. But maybe that in itself is just an excuse. I have no idea what she’s looking for. I should probably just call her and see what happens.
And I also don’t want to be put in a position where I have to give the boy an ultimatum. Although, on the other hand, it’s been a goddamn year. It’s probably time for an ultimatum.
And then, maybe she was just drunk and won’t return my call, lol, who knows. The fucked up thing is that I would probably feel relieved if that were the case, because then I wouldn’t have to make any decisions. I am just terrified that when it comes to this sort of thing, I am doomed to always make the wrong decision.
It’ll be interesting to see what happens.