Day 1 of being punished.
So yeah. D/s. Who knew? Me.
A few things first: My punishment: no communication with him til he gets back home from the rig. Why? I stayed up too late last night. He had been asking me to make a sexy time video for him for several days now. Since I was still up last night, at 12:15 he tells me to make him a video NOW.
A few things let up to me telling him "I can't":
A) Yesterday was my long day. At work for 9, class #1 at 11am, back at work, class #2 at 5pm, and then back home (approx 8pm)
B) Making videos makes me revert to Randy. It makes me think of the emotions that I had when I was with him which are not good at all. I still haven't recovered from the way being with a married man in michigan made me feel.
C) I'm having money issues which makes me severely stressed. I haven't told him this because I'm afraid to. I don't want him to think bad of me and to be honest, I'm embarassed.
D) He didn't ask why I said no, he just immediately got pissed off.
E) I've been depressed for several weeks now - mostly the money thing I think but I can't bring myself to ask anyone for help. Its not their responsibility. Its mine. I fucked up. I haven't been working for a year now. I took a job making way less than i need to support myself based on the credit cards I ran up being unemployed for a year. Me me me.
F) When he asked me if i was ready to be his submissive, I flat out told him no. Yet, I'm still under consideration. He knows exactly what he is getting himself into - or does he?
I didn't get a chance to tell him any of these things though. So now, I'm in .... whatever you want to call it. Pergutory or whatever til he gets home.
When he gets home we're supposed to be going to a bootblack conference. Me, him, eric. He said he'd call me when he landed and that was the last thing I heard from him last night.
So here I am. I don't feel like I'm being punished. If I'm honest with myself, I feel .... relief. I don't have to worry about if he's going to email me, I don't have to worry about when he's going to IM me, I don't have to worry about being logged into yahoo nonstop, I don't have to worry about him at all.
This worries me. This is supposed to be a punishment. I'm not upset. I realize its only day one, but I feel like I can finally exhale.
He's no longer on my radar. At least not til next wednesday.
So now i get to focus on me for a week.
Tonight when i get home: Finish Eric's Hankies, start on the Apron. Finish the apron? Finish the backing for Daddy's quilt?
Tomorrow: RSVP munch ... ugh. Don't wanna go, but have to, my pretty girl needs me and I want to be there for HER. Maybe I'll bring the quilt.
Friday: Finish quilt? Start packing, go to lane bryant get pretty undies
Saturday: Go to Noble. Play. Start cooking for the trip. Cajun chex mix, Red velvet rice krispie treats, kitchen sink cookies
Sunday: more cooking, dinner with parents, get mom to help me bind the quilt and make a border.
Monday night: Study, chapters read for class Tuesday (might do this during downtime at work thursday/friday, but we'll see. quiz on monday)
Tuesday: late class, get home for 9pm
Wednesday: finish packing, get everything ready and in the car.
Thursday: leave for augusta
Holy fuck.
Yeah. Uhm.
So if I find time to make the video, this weekend or whatever do I still do it? Do i continue to contact him even though he's not contacting me? Do i send him emails and let him know what I'm up to? In my head, I should this is my punishment - not his. He shouldn't have to suffer to punish me - right? Do i send him this journal or will it just piss him off more? I have no experience with these things.... I have no experience being punished. I have no experience with D/s at all.
We need to sit down and talk - I know this. But its too late for that now, until the initial punishment is over.
I like KNOWING though. Knowing I can handle. Its the unknown that kills me.
A few things first: My punishment: no communication with him til he gets back home from the rig. Why? I stayed up too late last night. He had been asking me to make a sexy time video for him for several days now. Since I was still up last night, at 12:15 he tells me to make him a video NOW.
A few things let up to me telling him "I can't":
A) Yesterday was my long day. At work for 9, class #1 at 11am, back at work, class #2 at 5pm, and then back home (approx 8pm)
B) Making videos makes me revert to Randy. It makes me think of the emotions that I had when I was with him which are not good at all. I still haven't recovered from the way being with a married man in michigan made me feel.
C) I'm having money issues which makes me severely stressed. I haven't told him this because I'm afraid to. I don't want him to think bad of me and to be honest, I'm embarassed.
D) He didn't ask why I said no, he just immediately got pissed off.
E) I've been depressed for several weeks now - mostly the money thing I think but I can't bring myself to ask anyone for help. Its not their responsibility. Its mine. I fucked up. I haven't been working for a year now. I took a job making way less than i need to support myself based on the credit cards I ran up being unemployed for a year. Me me me.
F) When he asked me if i was ready to be his submissive, I flat out told him no. Yet, I'm still under consideration. He knows exactly what he is getting himself into - or does he?
I didn't get a chance to tell him any of these things though. So now, I'm in .... whatever you want to call it. Pergutory or whatever til he gets home.
When he gets home we're supposed to be going to a bootblack conference. Me, him, eric. He said he'd call me when he landed and that was the last thing I heard from him last night.
So here I am. I don't feel like I'm being punished. If I'm honest with myself, I feel .... relief. I don't have to worry about if he's going to email me, I don't have to worry about when he's going to IM me, I don't have to worry about being logged into yahoo nonstop, I don't have to worry about him at all.
This worries me. This is supposed to be a punishment. I'm not upset. I realize its only day one, but I feel like I can finally exhale.
He's no longer on my radar. At least not til next wednesday.
So now i get to focus on me for a week.
Tonight when i get home: Finish Eric's Hankies, start on the Apron. Finish the apron? Finish the backing for Daddy's quilt?
Tomorrow: RSVP munch ... ugh. Don't wanna go, but have to, my pretty girl needs me and I want to be there for HER. Maybe I'll bring the quilt.
Friday: Finish quilt? Start packing, go to lane bryant get pretty undies
Saturday: Go to Noble. Play. Start cooking for the trip. Cajun chex mix, Red velvet rice krispie treats, kitchen sink cookies
Sunday: more cooking, dinner with parents, get mom to help me bind the quilt and make a border.
Monday night: Study, chapters read for class Tuesday (might do this during downtime at work thursday/friday, but we'll see. quiz on monday)
Tuesday: late class, get home for 9pm
Wednesday: finish packing, get everything ready and in the car.
Thursday: leave for augusta
Holy fuck.
Yeah. Uhm.
So if I find time to make the video, this weekend or whatever do I still do it? Do i continue to contact him even though he's not contacting me? Do i send him emails and let him know what I'm up to? In my head, I should this is my punishment - not his. He shouldn't have to suffer to punish me - right? Do i send him this journal or will it just piss him off more? I have no experience with these things.... I have no experience being punished. I have no experience with D/s at all.
We need to sit down and talk - I know this. But its too late for that now, until the initial punishment is over.
I like KNOWING though. Knowing I can handle. Its the unknown that kills me.