My thoughts on him ....
In the past few years, since I was introduced to the lifestyle, I've had a lot of relationships. I've done a lot of searching both inward and outward. I've watched, I've listened, and on a minimal level, I've participated. I'm not new, yet I'm extremely green. Confused yet? For years, the reason behind all of this, the reason behind being involved was very short sighted, and for the first time I actually can see that. Its almost as if I had this mantra running through my head "collar, collar, collar, collar, collar ....". It was stupid. The kink equivilant of a vanilla girl who's primary focus is to get married. I couldn't enjoy the happiness I had because I was too preoccupied by what would be tomorrow.
And that leads us to today. I've done a lot of soul searching the last few months. Why I had been unhappy, why I was unhappy, what choices I'd made that brought me to that point and what choices I'd need to make to change the status quo that I'd been living. I had been denying who I was. Every man I'd met since R that was involved in kink that I'd had a crush on was either married, in a relationship, or some flavor of poly. If I'd said "I'm monogamous" I wouldn't have gotten to be with them so to me, sacrificing that part of me was worth it because, well ... they were worth it. Besides, I thought ... "I'm not a jealous person, I'm okay with poly". And I am. However, what I was sacrificing was my need for a primary. My lack of having that one person that would be there for me when I needed them. Someone to go to mom and dad's with when they weren't working, someone to go throw parties with, someone to stand next (or kneel in front of) and know that I was theirs.
"I'm not submissive, I'm not submissive, I'm not submissive", I thought to myself. I don't want a master. I don't want a dominant. I want to be someone's equal and I want to be his girlfriend.
Then ... I started to go to more events in new orleans. I met more Noble folks ... and I walked into the room with that god awful attempt at pudding shots. He saw me. I didn't notice him right away, but I remember when I did. I was standing right next to him, I didn't know who he was, I'd never seen him on fet but he was ... different. I was, at the very least, curious.
This essay isn't about that night though. Its about the fact that I am in fact, being considered by him now, some 2 weeks later, and I am under his protection.
So what does that mean?
In the years that I've been involved in all of this, the one thing that I considered to be one of my truths was "DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING TOO QUICKLY". And yet, here I am. While I might not know exactly what it is we have, what I do know is I'm enjoying every fucking millisecond of it.
Under Protection of. Being protected by. Daddy. Words. I have them. I promise. Sunday night we were alone together for the first time. I looked into his eyes and I felt safe. Utterly and completely safe. It sounds silly but I knew after barely 1 week, I could trust him to protect me from all of the negative energy I've encountered in the last few years if I asked him to. I knew I could cry on his shoulder and he'd listen and I knew if I needed him to he'd beat the ever loving shit out of me and accomplish everything in one fell swoop. I know, its not all about me. Its not. But in the cotext of protection, it is. This is about Daddy protecting me. This is about feeling special enough to deserve to be protected. This is about feeling like I deserve someone that thinks I'm special enough to be protected. And ... to be honest ... I'm not sure I've ever felt that way before. I'm not sure I've ever been with someone that claimed to want to protect me except for blood family. I've always been expected to take care of myself, which I was okay with. I'm a big girl after all, no? But is it what I wanted? No, not really. I wanted a Daddy that was going to be in my corner and demand respect from others when they dealt with me and would accept no less... and ultimately, that ... at the end of the day is the most important thing I think when it comes to what I want from someone in terms of protection. TO know that I have someone in my corner that's willing to fight for me and expects me to fight for them as well.
When it comes to consideration, I think we need to flip to the other half of the rulebook. To me, when someone is being considered, that means that someone sees something special in them that they think would make a good fit. That there's something about them that they think they want. The problem is, "being considered" is such a broad term. Considered for what? A slave? A housekeeper? A gardener? A top? A girlfriend? Chastity? So I'm going to have to approach this not from what it means to be considered, but what I think it means for Daddy to be considering me. For starters, let me say I could not be more honored or feel more special about what has transpired over the past 2 weeks. To me, I'm being considered as his submissive and as a member of his house. I'm being considered for service to him if not now, at some point in the future. To me, service to him would be things like learning skills that would make his life easier, beginning with being a bootblack. Household tasks, things that may be important to him that I haven't learned about yet. Being the masochist he wants me to be but not letting him do real harm. Not letting him break me. Opening my mind enough to allow us to do the things he wants to do without having an emotional break down about them.
In one word, being considered to me means in training for current and future service and being protected means I'm ... his. As for me, that's the only way I'd ever consider allowing someone to protect me.