Today
I'm really tired today, more tired than usual. The fog in my brain that always accompanies me when I'm forced to wake up early usually burns off by mid morning but nope... I'm still feeling sorta groggy and unaware. Thank God the day goes by quickly, I'm already more than 1/2 done with my day at work. It's taking more than a few weeks for my body to adjust to waking up at un-Godly hours of the day. Oh well, my hope is that in a months time I will be good to go. This housing search of mine is now in week 4 which is lame and tiresome. I feel blessed that I have the money to even look for a place, but the amount of time this has taken is annoying at best. This weekend, however, I found 3 places that were above a 7 on my "Housing Scale". And in order for me to consider living someplace it must be at least a 7. I am picky, but I can't imagine living someplace and paying money to live someplace that was lame... I would rather live at home before that happens. Anywho, I'm excited about the prospect of moving within the next few weeks, and all 3 places are in SF so my commute to work would be 20 minutes tops. YAY again! I wouldn't have to wake up until 7am, a full hour later than now. Other than that I am a bore, sleeping, working, house hunting... nothing else. I think I miss USC because at 'sc my life was very full and productive, which I enjoy. I am busy now, but not busy with things I enjoy or spending time with potential friends, etc. I can't wait until I’m done with finding a place so I can start making the most of being back in the Bay rather than wasting away my days working, sleeping and watching trash TV.
I wish I was traveling right now... living somewhere fantastic and exotic. Kari is in South Africa studying, Kia is an Geneva working for the UN... I need something exciting to do as well. My future is always on my mind, because I feel pulled in 1,000 different ways. I want to pursue my right brain passion of law and politics, but equally as strong is my desire to further my acting skills and to travel, etc. All I am sure about is that whatever I end up doing post my settling in period, it needs to be exciting, challenging, worthwhile, and prestigious enough that it gets me some extra points if/when I apply to law school. At lunch today I started brainstorming various activities that I wanted to pursue within the next few months of my settling in period. I’m such a dork, but list making gets me excited! Just knowing that I’m actively pursuing things that bring me joy makes me feel good. I like being productive and I just don’t want to waste any time. I hate to sound old, but so much precious time has flown by, I realize that the next few years will do the same. And I just don’t want to be sitting here 4 years from now, fretting over the same ish that brought me drama and angst 4 years earlier. I just don’t want to get too settled, too comfortable to the point that I stop pushing myself to succeed and grow. I will admit that some of the things on my little list are things I have been wanting to accomplish for years now, and that does make me feel a little disappointed in myself for not accomplishing them sooner. But I have to remind myself to trust in God, that he knows what is right for me and when the right time is to pursue certain things and I just have to be content in knowing that. So the good news is that I am stress free, actively pursuing what’s important to me, and learning a new level of diligence and patience.
Some other good news, I have yet to miss work or be late to work in 4 weeks! This may not be a big deal to other people, but since age 16 I have had this growing inability to attend class, go to work, or anything for that matter without being late or missing it all together on a regular basis. It’s one of those character flaws that has cost me great opportunities and caused me to feel bad about myself and my abilities. In school I just didn’t have the patience to make myself be on time and not be absent from things… I was too overwhelmed to care about letting people down in those ways. So needless to say I am incredibly excited about conquering that one demon of mine that adds to my uncertainty and insecurity. It hasn’t been easy though, I literally have to call on Jesus himself to fight the temptation to hit snooze, catch a later train, etc. So I am just so that I’m doing well with this aspect of my job. YAY for me!
Okay some not so hot news that I should be too ashamed to admit, but it’s been on my mind and so, I will spill. I know that I am an envious and jealous person. Less than many people, but more than I would like to be. Its cost me a lot, the biggest of which is my own self esteem I regards to how I live my life, etc. I have some friends that when they get something great or whatever, I can feign a certain level of happiness for them but that’s the extent of my joy for them. Especially if they receive something that I really desire, it’s improbable that I will be at all happy or supportive… even going to the extent that I distance myself from them until I can be at peace with it. And believe me I know I am wrong while I am allowing myself to become engulfed in these negative emotions, and when I tactlessly decide not to call/email/ contact certain folks, I am still aware of how awful and unchristian like I am being. Somehow though I always kid myself into thinking that I have a right to feel this way, and I’m honoring my feelings which is what I should do, etc, etc. Well I now can admit that not only do I have a problem, but I need to work on this character flaw because it adversely affects so many aware of my life. For instance, I am actually considering not attending a family friends wedding because well… I am (gasp) jealous! Also, I don’t feel right witnessing such a tragic event, but again what’s right for Ebonee is not right for everyone else so I cannot condemn others based on what works for me. It’s not that I am jealous of the new life she will live, of her fiancé (trust...he ain’t cute or fly in the least bit), or even her and the actual wedding. I am jealous that she has a successful, positive relationship while I am still “dating” and dealing with seemingly juvenile relationship issues. And when these thoughts start popping up in my head, I also start think about how much flyer (sp?) I am, how I won’t buy my dress from David’s bridal or get married in a bootleg church… how my fiancé (when I get one) won’t be some wigga with a high school education…. So BAD!!!! I know, awful and I’m guessing the first step to dealing with this thought pattern of mine is to admit it. Equally as terrible, a good friend of mine has a new boyfriend and what I don’t get is how can she have a beau and not me???? She’s a chubby white girl, pretty but with deep personality flaws that scare off most people. And yet she has boys fighting over her and all this stuff and UGH… drives me insane because why am I not getting a piece of that action when I am at least sane, and I can hide my flaws well, etc, etc. What’s worse is that although I love this friend she has the tendency to dominate conversation and brag about whatever is going on in her life and so based on that fact alone I tend to hang out only once or so a month. UGH so I suck, but at least I’m honest about it? And trust that I am working on these things, giving them to God and seeking his guidance about how to rid myself of this ugliness. Pray for me and bear with me.
Other than that, I am good to go… I’ve been writing people a lot like Kari, Kia and Brandon… which makes me really happy. I love them so very very much, I get really smiley when I read their emails. Work is picking up… will update later. Ciao!
I wish I was traveling right now... living somewhere fantastic and exotic. Kari is in South Africa studying, Kia is an Geneva working for the UN... I need something exciting to do as well. My future is always on my mind, because I feel pulled in 1,000 different ways. I want to pursue my right brain passion of law and politics, but equally as strong is my desire to further my acting skills and to travel, etc. All I am sure about is that whatever I end up doing post my settling in period, it needs to be exciting, challenging, worthwhile, and prestigious enough that it gets me some extra points if/when I apply to law school. At lunch today I started brainstorming various activities that I wanted to pursue within the next few months of my settling in period. I’m such a dork, but list making gets me excited! Just knowing that I’m actively pursuing things that bring me joy makes me feel good. I like being productive and I just don’t want to waste any time. I hate to sound old, but so much precious time has flown by, I realize that the next few years will do the same. And I just don’t want to be sitting here 4 years from now, fretting over the same ish that brought me drama and angst 4 years earlier. I just don’t want to get too settled, too comfortable to the point that I stop pushing myself to succeed and grow. I will admit that some of the things on my little list are things I have been wanting to accomplish for years now, and that does make me feel a little disappointed in myself for not accomplishing them sooner. But I have to remind myself to trust in God, that he knows what is right for me and when the right time is to pursue certain things and I just have to be content in knowing that. So the good news is that I am stress free, actively pursuing what’s important to me, and learning a new level of diligence and patience.
Some other good news, I have yet to miss work or be late to work in 4 weeks! This may not be a big deal to other people, but since age 16 I have had this growing inability to attend class, go to work, or anything for that matter without being late or missing it all together on a regular basis. It’s one of those character flaws that has cost me great opportunities and caused me to feel bad about myself and my abilities. In school I just didn’t have the patience to make myself be on time and not be absent from things… I was too overwhelmed to care about letting people down in those ways. So needless to say I am incredibly excited about conquering that one demon of mine that adds to my uncertainty and insecurity. It hasn’t been easy though, I literally have to call on Jesus himself to fight the temptation to hit snooze, catch a later train, etc. So I am just so that I’m doing well with this aspect of my job. YAY for me!
Okay some not so hot news that I should be too ashamed to admit, but it’s been on my mind and so, I will spill. I know that I am an envious and jealous person. Less than many people, but more than I would like to be. Its cost me a lot, the biggest of which is my own self esteem I regards to how I live my life, etc. I have some friends that when they get something great or whatever, I can feign a certain level of happiness for them but that’s the extent of my joy for them. Especially if they receive something that I really desire, it’s improbable that I will be at all happy or supportive… even going to the extent that I distance myself from them until I can be at peace with it. And believe me I know I am wrong while I am allowing myself to become engulfed in these negative emotions, and when I tactlessly decide not to call/email/ contact certain folks, I am still aware of how awful and unchristian like I am being. Somehow though I always kid myself into thinking that I have a right to feel this way, and I’m honoring my feelings which is what I should do, etc, etc. Well I now can admit that not only do I have a problem, but I need to work on this character flaw because it adversely affects so many aware of my life. For instance, I am actually considering not attending a family friends wedding because well… I am (gasp) jealous! Also, I don’t feel right witnessing such a tragic event, but again what’s right for Ebonee is not right for everyone else so I cannot condemn others based on what works for me. It’s not that I am jealous of the new life she will live, of her fiancé (trust...he ain’t cute or fly in the least bit), or even her and the actual wedding. I am jealous that she has a successful, positive relationship while I am still “dating” and dealing with seemingly juvenile relationship issues. And when these thoughts start popping up in my head, I also start think about how much flyer (sp?) I am, how I won’t buy my dress from David’s bridal or get married in a bootleg church… how my fiancé (when I get one) won’t be some wigga with a high school education…. So BAD!!!! I know, awful and I’m guessing the first step to dealing with this thought pattern of mine is to admit it. Equally as terrible, a good friend of mine has a new boyfriend and what I don’t get is how can she have a beau and not me???? She’s a chubby white girl, pretty but with deep personality flaws that scare off most people. And yet she has boys fighting over her and all this stuff and UGH… drives me insane because why am I not getting a piece of that action when I am at least sane, and I can hide my flaws well, etc, etc. What’s worse is that although I love this friend she has the tendency to dominate conversation and brag about whatever is going on in her life and so based on that fact alone I tend to hang out only once or so a month. UGH so I suck, but at least I’m honest about it? And trust that I am working on these things, giving them to God and seeking his guidance about how to rid myself of this ugliness. Pray for me and bear with me.
Other than that, I am good to go… I’ve been writing people a lot like Kari, Kia and Brandon… which makes me really happy. I love them so very very much, I get really smiley when I read their emails. Work is picking up… will update later. Ciao!