(no subject)
This may be a long post I just have a lot on my mind and I keep most of it in because I feel liek I have to tell everyone I know if I do choose to open up. I'm going to let you in on the factthat most of this will be me complain about someone or something so if you don't like wainey post leave I'm just frausted with a lot in my life and I need to vent to make myself feel better.
First off do you ever feel like when one bad thing happens everybody has to kick you when your already on the ground?
My grandmother had a fall she broke her pelvis and will be in the hospital for a while even after she gets out of the hospital were not sure she can handle living on her own anymore and may have to place her in a nursing home. I'm very close to my grandmother and am praying and trying to keep in good spirits but am having the hardest time because of everyone around me...thats' not true most around me. I don't if it's the fact that some people don't know how to be a friend or if I'm just such a horrib;e person no one wants to make the effort with me. Honestly I have never need another person to hold my hand as much as I do right now. I mean Penny lives in la la land with Dan and can't pick up a phone then when you call her it alomsot feels liek the she's doing you the biggest favor by listening. So many mutual friends have ask me why i bother and honestly I don't know I feel so alone anyway that I really don't know why i bother I think it's out of desperation. I mean she's already alienated Alicia because she can't tell anyone the whole story then I make an ass of myself because I hear the other side the same way from 2 people. I don't know anymore I keep trying but it's so pointless and it makes me feel even more alone after trying.
Then there's Irfan he's great I mean I love him but he's made me insane. He needs more attention and love then he thinks he does. I broke up with him but it doesn't really seems like he can let go and I can't make him leave this house for so many reason even though were not sleeeping in the same room nor do we have sexual relations anymore. I mean we were such good friend before all of this and now I can't get that back because of everything sometimes I miss I didn't get myself so involved because he has so many issues but refuses to get help for and because his family life is so bad I can't make him leave here because I don't trust him to go home. It's strange because he's always been there for me I could always count on him and it didn't matter what I needed he'd do it for me. I love him but I never truly got over Ryan and I made quick decisions to try and make myself feel better and it do for awhile I really hinestly thought I was in love but then Ryan came back he broke everything i thought I had and made me realize so much at once. Irfan found out and well we tried to work it out but I'd be trying to sleep and my mind would be racing and all I could think about was Ryan and even now hre's all I think about even though I totally think he's playin me. I'm so naive and stupid and i don't even know what I'm suppose to do. I have no answers anymore It's like I just have to let him hurt me it's alomost liek I life the pain and I crave it. All I know is that everything seems to be falling apart but everything else seems to be getting better I feel so conflicted most of the time. I don't know anyway I'm done for now and that didn't even help a little bit.
First off do you ever feel like when one bad thing happens everybody has to kick you when your already on the ground?
My grandmother had a fall she broke her pelvis and will be in the hospital for a while even after she gets out of the hospital were not sure she can handle living on her own anymore and may have to place her in a nursing home. I'm very close to my grandmother and am praying and trying to keep in good spirits but am having the hardest time because of everyone around me...thats' not true most around me. I don't if it's the fact that some people don't know how to be a friend or if I'm just such a horrib;e person no one wants to make the effort with me. Honestly I have never need another person to hold my hand as much as I do right now. I mean Penny lives in la la land with Dan and can't pick up a phone then when you call her it alomsot feels liek the she's doing you the biggest favor by listening. So many mutual friends have ask me why i bother and honestly I don't know I feel so alone anyway that I really don't know why i bother I think it's out of desperation. I mean she's already alienated Alicia because she can't tell anyone the whole story then I make an ass of myself because I hear the other side the same way from 2 people. I don't know anymore I keep trying but it's so pointless and it makes me feel even more alone after trying.
Then there's Irfan he's great I mean I love him but he's made me insane. He needs more attention and love then he thinks he does. I broke up with him but it doesn't really seems like he can let go and I can't make him leave this house for so many reason even though were not sleeeping in the same room nor do we have sexual relations anymore. I mean we were such good friend before all of this and now I can't get that back because of everything sometimes I miss I didn't get myself so involved because he has so many issues but refuses to get help for and because his family life is so bad I can't make him leave here because I don't trust him to go home. It's strange because he's always been there for me I could always count on him and it didn't matter what I needed he'd do it for me. I love him but I never truly got over Ryan and I made quick decisions to try and make myself feel better and it do for awhile I really hinestly thought I was in love but then Ryan came back he broke everything i thought I had and made me realize so much at once. Irfan found out and well we tried to work it out but I'd be trying to sleep and my mind would be racing and all I could think about was Ryan and even now hre's all I think about even though I totally think he's playin me. I'm so naive and stupid and i don't even know what I'm suppose to do. I have no answers anymore It's like I just have to let him hurt me it's alomost liek I life the pain and I crave it. All I know is that everything seems to be falling apart but everything else seems to be getting better I feel so conflicted most of the time. I don't know anyway I'm done for now and that didn't even help a little bit.