very torn and broken
Series: Torn and Broken
Title: A Little Dead Inside
Pairing: Sam/Gene
Rating: Brown Cortina, just edging on Red
Word count: 3000 ish
Summary: Gene has a near death experience which shakes both Sam and Gene to the core: Sam clings to Gene, but Gene withdraws.
Disclaimer: nope, the characters aren't mine, I'm just playing, and breaking, I'm very accident-prone that way. Oops.
AN: Unless you haven't gathered by the title of the series, this is gonna be a very angsty tale. This isn't the angstiest chapter, not by far. But the next few chapters will be fluctuating on the angst before... er, I'll get on with the fic
previous chapter
A Little Dead Inside
Sam wakes early, to find it's still dark outside but he can't be bothered to check the exact time because he's draped over Gene and he really doesn't want to move at the moment. Gene's fast asleep and for once, he looks peaceful, lying perfectly still and breathing steadily, despite the fact Sam's half on top of him: Sam wishes they could stay like this forever.
He knows they can't. For a start Gene's got work tomorrow... today... in the morning, and Sam has the day off. Gene's been teasing him all week: how will Sam survive without Gene? Sam's always retorted the same way: 'it'll be bliss'. Except, now the time has come, Sam's not so sure. Of course, he could bugger it all and just go into work with Gene anyway, but Sam's pride and stubbornness overwhelm the heartbreaking loneliness and horniness. Well, at least for the time being.
Sam doesn't want to get out of bed but he has to. He has to take a leak. And when he gets back, Gene is in the centre of the bed, knees up to his chest, hands underneath his head. Gene sleeps like he expects to wake up alone but it's worse than that, if you were to go near him now you'd get an elbow to the face, or the knackers. It's a natural defence mechanism, doesn't allow anyone to get close. Sam doesn't know how to get past something that's so ingrained.
So instead he watches, watches what he fears he'll never have. There's no question, Sam belongs to Gene and Gene belongs to Sam, but whether they'll ever get each other.. Sam's not sure but that just makes him want Gene more.
He doesn't want Gene to leave, Sam thinks idly as he sits in the chair opposite the bed. But the sun is beginning to peer through the windows and it's bound to wake Gene, then Gene's bound to leave, controlled by a false sense of duty. He owes Manchester nothing. He needs to think of himself more. As much as Sam does.
“Bloody sun.” Gene grunts but it's enough to make Sam grin.
“Good morning.” Sam laughs and Gene almost jumps out of the bed at the shock of hearing another voice. “Forget I was here?” Sam teases.
“Yeah, I did.” Sam should have known Gene could be nothing other than brutally honest. “Why are you over there?” Gene questions, his voice gruffer than usual and Sam can't find the words to explain so instead he just shrugs, climbing into bed with Gene and pulling him into an embrace. “Still say you're not gonna miss me?” Sam buries his face in the crook of Gene's neck, avoiding the question but Gene gets the answer loud and clear. “Yeah, me too.” he whispers, placing a kiss in Sam's too-short hair.
“So don't go.” Sam argues. Gene sighs.
“You could come in.” he counters but Sam dismisses it immediately
“I'm not going to work on my day off.” the sentence is definitive but it's not the end of the conversation until Gene has had his say.
“Why not?” Sam's first instinct is to get all defensive, turn this into a confrontation, despite the fact Gene is just being genuine and not purposefully argumentative. Sam takes a deep breathe, snuggling up to Gene even more.
“I used to.” Sam admits. “At Hyde. I used to go in on my days off. Kinda pointless really.”
“It's not pointless here. The city needs me.” It sounds like Gene isn't trying to convince Sam, he's trying to convince himself.
“Of course it does.” Sam agrees, not adding the fact that he needs Gene too. Needs him, wants him, and appreciates him more than the city ever has. “You should go.”
“Really?” Gene asks, despite the fact he's already dressing.
“Of course.” Sam stretches out onto the empty bed, still warm. “You've got a city to protect.” Sam smiles, lying on the bed propped up by his elbows, watching Gene get dressed. “Bad men to throw in jail.” Gene kisses Sam quickly before heading out of the door.
“Pistols at dawn.” Gene smiles, and then he's gone.
It wasn't supposed to go down like this. No one knew the kidnappers were armed. They'd been holding negotiations over the phone and one of the agreements was that Gene could talk to them, face-to-face. Big mistake because then he saw the girl, being held at gunpoint, tears streaming down her face, smacked around every time she made a sound. Her face was all blotchy from crying, blood matting her golden hair and staining her white t-shirt. Gene can barely restrain himself but he forces himself to, for the sake of the girl.
“Take me.” Gene offers without hesitation. The larger kidnapper laughs and it's a sound that chills Gene to the core but he doesn't let it dissuade him from his mission. “Leave her, let her go and take me instead. I'd be a better hostage.”
“He might have a point, Dan.” The younger guy with the gun suggests, nervously, earning him a punch from the bigger man, Dan.
“You idiot! Now he knows my name!”
“Sorry Dan.” That earns him another punch, another one as he reminds the guy to keep the gun pointed at the target. Gene hates that word, 'target' especially when it's referring to little girls.
“Listen to him, Dan. I would make a better hostage. Powerful.” Dan glares at him, pulling out another gun and pointing it at Gene. Gene doesn't flinch, he only looks to the girl to see how she's doing. As well as can be expected, under the circumstances. “So, you'll do it.”
“Depends if you play the subservient hostage or not.” Gene doesn't understand what that means but he's got a sinking suspicion.
“I'll do whatever you want.” Gene grits his teeth, but he's doing it for the girl. “Just let her go!” Gene pleads and he doesn't like the smile spreading upon Dan's face. By the looks of it, neither does the other boy. But Dan nods.
“Piss off.” Dan shouts, pushing the girl so hard she falls to the floor. The girl makes no move to get up, she's just stares at Gene.
“Go on then, you silly girl. What are you waiting for?” She still doesn't move. “There's friends of mine, outside. You'll be safe with them.” The girl looks at him blankly before stumbling over to the door. She's running as fast as she can, but her legs are bending all over the place and Gene can tell it's not an injury. She was born a cripple and Gene makes sure she's out of the door and safe before he lets his anger fly.
“Make you feel big, does it? Picking on a little spastic girl, no way of defending herself!” Gene's advancing towards the boy, Gene shaking in anger, the boy shaking his head. Dan's screaming his head off, doesn't know what to do, he can't shoot their only hostage dead. “How about you pick on somebody your own size?!” Gene feels his head connecting with the butt of a gun, it feels like his skull is caving in. Then nothing.
Chris looks after the girl whilst Ray has it out with Litton.
“We didn't- the Guv-” Ray's trying to speak but Litton won't let him so Ray punches him. “We were investigating three dead kids, drug mules. It was CID's case!”
“You should have alerted us as soon as-” Another punch.
“I don't care! What I care about is that we've got two crazy cunts in there and they've got the guv-”
“DCI Hunt! I should've known.” Another punch, and a kick in the balls for good measure.
“Gene saved that young girl's life!” Litton sees the look in Ray's eyes and realises he should know better than to slander Gene in front of him. Litton's mouth twitches as he struggles to get back to his feet.
“What's the girl telling us?” Litton asks.
“I dunno.” Ray replies. “OI!! DIV!”
“Yeah?” Chris answers.
“What she saying?”
“Nothing. I'm not sure if it's 'cos she doesn't want to or 'cos she can't.” He adds the next bit in a whisper. “I think she's a bit retarded.”
“Great! That's all we need.” Litton exclaims, earning him a look from Ray which shuts him up immediately.
“Why don't you just go away, you're not wanted here.” Chris tells Litton, feeling very brave. Amazingly, Litton follows Chris' advice.
“Okay, but I'll be back to see the mess. I wonder what colour Gene's blood really is.” Litton slinks off at that, a good thing because Ray would make sure everybody knew what colour Litton's blood was, he'd gladly paint the walls with it.
“What do we do now, boss?” Chris asks, nervously.
“Well, we go in there, and get him out.” Ray snaps, equally as nervous but determined not to show it.
“I... I don't think that's a very good idea.” Chris suggests.
“What?!” Ray can't believe his ears.
“Maybe we should call the boss in.” Chris winces under the weight of Ray's stare but he doesn't cave in.
“It's his day off, I'm in charge.” Ray defends himself, despite the fact he knows he's in over his head.
“If we go in there, guns blazing, we could get the Guv killed.” Chris explains and it's the one argument that could have made Ray stop in his tracks. He needs Gene alive.
“What should we do then?” Ray asks Chris, quietly. Chris shrugs.
“Don't know.” There's a few minutes pause as they both think. “Let's call in to Phyliss. She knows everything.”
“Yeah.” Sam answers the phone, his voice sounding like a teenager.
“Sam?”
“Annie?” Sam perks up at the voice, at the panic in the voice, he knows it isn't good. “What's wrong? Why are you calling me?”
“I... They should have called you, not me. In fact, I shouldn't even know, but Phyliss got the call, you should be at work, and you can't afford to panic, and I know if you come, I know you're more than his DI but you've got to be professionally detached-”
“Annie, please.” Sam chokes the words out, choking on fear. “Just tell me. What is it?” Annie takes a deep breathe, steeling herself.
“It's the Guv.”
“Why the fuck didn't you call me?” Ray feels the punch even before he knows who threw it. It takes three policemen to tear Sam off of Ray, Chris just watching in horror.
“Sam.” Annie pants, having gotten there as soon as possible. Hearing her voice knocks some sense him in and he stops trying to attack Ray. Pulling away as though he's been scolded, barely restrained tears glistening in his eyes. “Professional” Sam looks at her, and it although it tears her apart to see him in such pain she manages to look calm. Sam nods at that, if she can do it so can he.
“Right, yeah. Erm,” Sam's practically pulling his hair out but he still can't think any clearer.
“It's no use.” Ray tells him, still on the ground and nursing his bleeding lip. “The phone lines have been cut. There's no way in, no way out except that one door.”
“What about the windows?” Sam asks, desperately. Ray shakes his head.
“They're all boarded up.” Annie notices the way Ray looks apologetic, dejected, almost as fearful as Sam but there's one difference: Ray looks resigned, Sam looks determined.
“But I know him, he's got to have a plan.” Sam rationalises.
“If you know him like you say you do, like I know him, you'll know this WAS his plan. He's trapped in there with two psycho-killers but at least the girl is safe. That stupid little cripple girl! He traded places with her!” silent tears are leaking from Ray's eyes and Chris has never been so scared before.
“He's gonna come back, Ray. He has to.” Chris tries to comfort him, a tiny touch but it's enough to make Ray withdraw and dry his eyes.
“You can't give up on him.” Annie implores. “You can't just stop trying.”
“But there's no way in, there's nothing we can do.” all three men look resigned now. Chris still thinks the Guv invincible, but Ray and Sam know better. Annie prays the Guv isn't in a self-deprecating mood. She hates to admit it, but she doesn't think a single girl is worth the Guv's life, because with Gene gone, who would save the next little girl? She hopes that Gene can see that.
She hopes Gene knows how much he's needed, not just by Ray and Sam, but she needs him too. She doesn't know how it quite happened. At first, she only cared about Gene because Sam did, but now... it scares her how much the thought of losing Gene scares her. But she won't show it.
“This is the Guv we're talking about. True, he's not exactly the world's best diplomat but he's the world's best copper and he's not gonna let himself be defeated by a couple of thugs, responsible for three dead kids!” Annie takes a breath, trying to change the mood. “But when he does get out of this, I think you owe him a pint.” she smiles, the guys half-heartedly nodding and laughing but their movements are still constricted by fear.
The only things they can do is wait and the tension keeps mounting by the second, it's starting to choke them all. Sam has broken out in a sweat and Ray is visibly shaking. Chris has gone back to looking after the girl. Annie's keeping her eyes on Sam.
Then they hear the gunshots.
Three distinct gunshots.
Annie looks at Sam and Ray but they're both frozen with fear. So she takes it upon herself, armed with a gun she doesn't know how to use, she knocks on the door of the abandoned warehouse, thud, thud, thud. No answer.
The door is heavy but she somehow manages to get it open. Desperation, maybe. But she closes her eyes at the first sign of red, blood splattered all on the walls.
Then she hears Gene.
He's cradling the body of his kidnapper, the boy, a hole where his brains are supposed to be. Gene's muttering apologises to the corpse, sobbing slightly and rocking backwards and forth, as if he could will life back into the body.
“Gene?” Annie asks softly, not even sure if he's in there.
“I couldn't save him.” Gene picks a piece of hair out of the bone and blood. “He saved me, and he paid the price.” It's only then Annie notices the other corpse, a gunshot to the stomach, another in the chest. “He couldn't live with what he'd done. What he did for me. I killed him. It's what I do.”
“He killed, he killed children!” Annie tries to talk some sense into Gene.
“It wasn't him. What he did he did out of loyalty and love.” Gene clutches the body close.
“Gene, you can't save everybody. But at least you've survived to try another day.” Gene looks up at that. “You do make a difference, Gene.” Gene wants to nod but all he can see is that boy blowing out his own brains and Gene being helpless to stop it. “Come on, Sam's outside. He'll want to see you.” Gene let's that sink in.
“It's Sam's day off.” And Annie clamps down the urge to hug him, even if he is coated in blood.
“He'll want to see you.” Annie repeats, slipping her hand into his and leading him out.
“Gene!” Sam and Ray exclaim, simultaneously.
“Bloody hell Guv!” Chris exclaims. “You look like you need to get to the hospital.” he remarks, chewing his gum.
“I just want to go home, have a bath, go to sleep.” Gene asks, his speech slow and Annie knows he's in shock.
“I'll take him.” Sam ushers Gene in the Cortina before anyone can protest.
“What about...” Gene can't say it, he can't bring himself to talk about the scene he just left.
“Litton can clear up the mess.”
“Not the boy. I want him to be treated with respect.” Gene orders. Annie smiles and nods.
“I'll stay, make sure.” Gene feels guilty, giving her such a lousy job but it's important to him.
“Thankyou.” and then he's gone, driven away by Sam before Annie has a chance to talk to him.
“I'm gonna have a shower.” Gene declares as soon as he enters the house, shedding his clothes in a trail to the bathroom. Sam clears up after him, putting the bloody clothes in the wash.
Gene can feel the water, running down his body, making him clean again. At least, physically. In his mind he can still see the teenage boy, pulling the trigger on his partner before turning the gun on himself. He can still feel the boy's blood on his skin and Gene's mind can't accept it.
Sam enters the shower, still fully clothed. Pulling Gene into a hug and kissing him deeply. Gene lets him.
Sam's muttering words of love, and fear and lust but Gene doesn't register them. It's like he's immersed in water, everything is distorted, so Gene lets himself be led to the bed, dripping all the way as Sam strips, leaving his clothes in the bathroom and Gene's first instinct is to keep Sam warm, despite the fact he's shaking himself. Sam shrugs off the blanket.
“Fuck me.” Sam pleads, and Gene is silent for a few moments, before nodding.
He fucks Sam hard and fast and with less lube than he would have liked but that's what Sam asked for.
Gene tries to concentrate on the things that make it Sam, the voice, the sounds, the smell, but it feels like it could be anyone writhing beneath him and Gene doesn't like that. But he does as he's told, pumping into the body beneath him until he can feel it orgasm, the sheer pressure and force enough to tip him over his own edge.
“I love you.” Gene whispers, but Sam's asleep.
Gene rolls over onto his side, curls up into a ball and silently cries himself to sleep.
TBC