Play the song one more time--maybe you'll believe it yourself
So I might become addicted to this again. Hell, why not? I'm pretty sure my therapist always told me it was a good thing to write thoughts down before bed. Something like "it will make you sleep better sweetie," which in a way makes sense. I mean, I guess a lot of the time people cannot sleep because of all the thoughts that are running through their heads. I'm pretty sure that is my problem. That and the fact that there are a lot of things going on in my life right now that kind of keep me straddling the middle.
My parental units called me today, but I didn't answer. I don't really feel like talking to them. It stresses me out too much, and at times to an extent where functioning is not a capability. I guess I figure that the less I know about things that are going on, the less I have to deal with everything. I guess in a way it's denial, but what does it really matter? I'm 3000 miles away regardless of anything that happens, so it's not like I could do much about anything in the first place.
Speaking of distances, the whole "long distance" bit that I have going on right now is pretty much eating away at me. I somehow feel backed into a corner, and I don't know whether to duck out of the way or just take the punch to my face. I don't know anything anymore. I might analyze things too much, but that's how I am and always will be. So I'll have to learn to live with it. I just don't know what to do. I'm pretty good at avoiding things--escaping as one might say. I do it a lot.
I know I'm just running because I'm scared.. scared of a lot of things. The entire situation just reminds me of my previous relationship, and all of the bad memories that follow along I've tried to do away with.. push as far back into my memory as possible. It's not like I can forget anything. This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I wish.
sigh.
Maybe I am just a bad person. Maybe I don't deserve anyone. The people that I always end up really caring about.. it is always so complicated. I just want something to work out. I guess everything takes time, and one day things will just fall into place. I hope so anyway.
I'm just one of those people that needs someone--even if it is just a friend. I like holding and being held. I like falling asleep next to someone I care about. It's just comforting knowing that I'm not alone.. that someone is there. And, don't most people feel that way? I'd like to think I'm not the only one that does.. that loves the comfort of good company. I think I've always just been scared of abandonment, possibly stemming from the whole "adoption" bit. Just a wild guess.
It's so frustrating. I won't let myself fall, even though I desperately want to. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I should sit back and let things happen, but I can't help but feel that if I do that.. NOTHING will happen. I want to control my life. I want to be able to MAKE things happen.
No one understands that I'm so simple. Behind it all. Behind it all there is only one thing I want. It's just, no one ventures any deeper than the next kiss.
I'm so much more than the next kiss.
My parental units called me today, but I didn't answer. I don't really feel like talking to them. It stresses me out too much, and at times to an extent where functioning is not a capability. I guess I figure that the less I know about things that are going on, the less I have to deal with everything. I guess in a way it's denial, but what does it really matter? I'm 3000 miles away regardless of anything that happens, so it's not like I could do much about anything in the first place.
Speaking of distances, the whole "long distance" bit that I have going on right now is pretty much eating away at me. I somehow feel backed into a corner, and I don't know whether to duck out of the way or just take the punch to my face. I don't know anything anymore. I might analyze things too much, but that's how I am and always will be. So I'll have to learn to live with it. I just don't know what to do. I'm pretty good at avoiding things--escaping as one might say. I do it a lot.
I know I'm just running because I'm scared.. scared of a lot of things. The entire situation just reminds me of my previous relationship, and all of the bad memories that follow along I've tried to do away with.. push as far back into my memory as possible. It's not like I can forget anything. This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I wish.
sigh.
Maybe I am just a bad person. Maybe I don't deserve anyone. The people that I always end up really caring about.. it is always so complicated. I just want something to work out. I guess everything takes time, and one day things will just fall into place. I hope so anyway.
I'm just one of those people that needs someone--even if it is just a friend. I like holding and being held. I like falling asleep next to someone I care about. It's just comforting knowing that I'm not alone.. that someone is there. And, don't most people feel that way? I'd like to think I'm not the only one that does.. that loves the comfort of good company. I think I've always just been scared of abandonment, possibly stemming from the whole "adoption" bit. Just a wild guess.
It's so frustrating. I won't let myself fall, even though I desperately want to. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I should sit back and let things happen, but I can't help but feel that if I do that.. NOTHING will happen. I want to control my life. I want to be able to MAKE things happen.
No one understands that I'm so simple. Behind it all. Behind it all there is only one thing I want. It's just, no one ventures any deeper than the next kiss.
I'm so much more than the next kiss.