(no subject)
*sighs, sitting on her porch*
by this time next year, I could be living in London. I really wish it was this time next year. I would be there. I really miss him. I'm so tired of doing this. The whole long distance thing. Everyday I sit here and I wish I was with him. The hours seem to drag by when I'm awake and not talking to him, but when we are talking, they fly by. I cherish every spoken and typed word. I don't know what I was thinking being without him. I know I grew a lot as a person when I was with John, but I lost so many precious days of him telling me he loved me, and my saying it back. Sorry this is so mushy and gooey but I am so upset. And lonely. And I hate being lonely. Everyday gets a little harder, in the past I looked at everyday as one more day closer to being with him again, and I guess I am doing that now as well...but it means something more to me. I don't know that I love him differently than before, I just realize that I love him. I mean, I know I loved him before. I just ... I can't explain it. This time around I know, 100% that he is my soul mate. Before I was just saying it, I was hoping it was true. And when we broke up, it tore me up inside. I loved John also, but with Liam the love is a grown up love. One which will never bend or break. I know this to be true because I feel it. I never once stopped loving him. I think that was a major problem with John and I. It didn't help that John kept giving me reasons not to trust him, but in my heart I was always longing for Liams voice, or hand, or eyes, or smile. Or just about anything actually. I was lonely when I was with John. There wasn't that...spark. I wanted to believe there was, and I guess that's why I kept dating him. I wanted to love him like I loved/love Liam. I guess a person really isn't meant to love more than one person in their lifetime. Sadly, it took me a very long time to realize this. (Meaning just now.) I wish I could go back and do things differently, not change things, just work my thoughts out a bit better than I did. I could have easily broken up with Liam when I got to Albright and not dated anyone. If it wasn't for John being there, and my desire to date someone who lived in the same area as me, I never would have dated anyone else. I've always known Liam was the one for me. I guess dating John allowed me to see how important Liam is to me. I'll never regret dating John, but I regret hurting Liam like I did. He says that it's over and in the past but I don't understand how he can say that and mean it. Maybe we are just completely different people. And I think that is also a good thing. We compliment each other. If we were the same person life would be boring, and I suppose there is a reason, in the grand scheme of things, for him living so far from me. And me from him. Maybe some higher being wanted us to realize the important, though short, times we have together. There is nothing better than falling asleep next to him and knowing he will be there in the morning. I thought I felt like that with John, and it was great, but I think John was someone that was meant to be in my life, as a partner, for just a short time. It might seem mean to say that but I believe it to be true. And John is happy now, with Becky, just as I am happy with Liam...or rather, content. Happiness is just a phase, an emotion that comes from something, or somewhere else. Whereas contentment is a constant feeling. You don't need something else to make you content. I'm not always happy with Liam, we have our fights, and then we have to deal with the distance, which hurts a lot of the time, but I am always content with him. I wish I could put into words, better than these, how I feel right now. I don't feel like I am doing my emotions justice. I know that sounds crazy as I've written quite a lot here but I really don't feel like I am expressing myself as I want to.
by this time next year, I could be living in London. I really wish it was this time next year. I would be there. I really miss him. I'm so tired of doing this. The whole long distance thing. Everyday I sit here and I wish I was with him. The hours seem to drag by when I'm awake and not talking to him, but when we are talking, they fly by. I cherish every spoken and typed word. I don't know what I was thinking being without him. I know I grew a lot as a person when I was with John, but I lost so many precious days of him telling me he loved me, and my saying it back. Sorry this is so mushy and gooey but I am so upset. And lonely. And I hate being lonely. Everyday gets a little harder, in the past I looked at everyday as one more day closer to being with him again, and I guess I am doing that now as well...but it means something more to me. I don't know that I love him differently than before, I just realize that I love him. I mean, I know I loved him before. I just ... I can't explain it. This time around I know, 100% that he is my soul mate. Before I was just saying it, I was hoping it was true. And when we broke up, it tore me up inside. I loved John also, but with Liam the love is a grown up love. One which will never bend or break. I know this to be true because I feel it. I never once stopped loving him. I think that was a major problem with John and I. It didn't help that John kept giving me reasons not to trust him, but in my heart I was always longing for Liams voice, or hand, or eyes, or smile. Or just about anything actually. I was lonely when I was with John. There wasn't that...spark. I wanted to believe there was, and I guess that's why I kept dating him. I wanted to love him like I loved/love Liam. I guess a person really isn't meant to love more than one person in their lifetime. Sadly, it took me a very long time to realize this. (Meaning just now.) I wish I could go back and do things differently, not change things, just work my thoughts out a bit better than I did. I could have easily broken up with Liam when I got to Albright and not dated anyone. If it wasn't for John being there, and my desire to date someone who lived in the same area as me, I never would have dated anyone else. I've always known Liam was the one for me. I guess dating John allowed me to see how important Liam is to me. I'll never regret dating John, but I regret hurting Liam like I did. He says that it's over and in the past but I don't understand how he can say that and mean it. Maybe we are just completely different people. And I think that is also a good thing. We compliment each other. If we were the same person life would be boring, and I suppose there is a reason, in the grand scheme of things, for him living so far from me. And me from him. Maybe some higher being wanted us to realize the important, though short, times we have together. There is nothing better than falling asleep next to him and knowing he will be there in the morning. I thought I felt like that with John, and it was great, but I think John was someone that was meant to be in my life, as a partner, for just a short time. It might seem mean to say that but I believe it to be true. And John is happy now, with Becky, just as I am happy with Liam...or rather, content. Happiness is just a phase, an emotion that comes from something, or somewhere else. Whereas contentment is a constant feeling. You don't need something else to make you content. I'm not always happy with Liam, we have our fights, and then we have to deal with the distance, which hurts a lot of the time, but I am always content with him. I wish I could put into words, better than these, how I feel right now. I don't feel like I am doing my emotions justice. I know that sounds crazy as I've written quite a lot here but I really don't feel like I am expressing myself as I want to.