Random
Haven't posted anything in a while, i'm already following my trend of unkept journals, and I was really hoping not to.
Freeflow......
Been thinking about going home, made up my mind to do this in February...braved the 'facing reality' clause in my dwindling relationship and had the final chat with Herman.
Discovered i don't hate him as much now i've been honest with him, and that a lot of the resentment I was showing him, came from a frustration at myself for not doing what i needed to. Sometimes i'm a real coward. Now the truth is unveiled though, I'm a little vulnerable and am restraining myself everyday from getting in contact with all the potential boyfriends left unresolved and hanging on back home. I KNOW IT"S BAD, but as I know only too well, i'm a clinger-on, and I find it hard to keep in my own company for too long.
DENIAL..is such a beautiful thing in moments of weakness.
Been writing a letter to a childhood friend who's mother passed away recently. It's been some years since we spoke, and years before that i messed up badly, and feel unsure of how to approach the whole matter. Sometimes it's easier to bury these feelings of longing and remorse, but this one is a biggie for me.
A friend from my early years, we learned together and grew together...literally, we were one person for a long time, and now i desperately want to get in touch and tell her i care and comfort her, but too much has passed.
I dreamed of her mother 2 days before she died, and she told me to give up smoking and that "it's never too late"
hard for some to believe, but in my world there's nothing strange about it.
I wrote the first draft, and on a second glance realised it was so self-indulgent I'd be a bitch to post it.
"I'm sorry i did this" "forgive me" "I never meant to" me me me me me me me me me me
after some time i decided, i want to remind her of the good times, not look for acceptance of things that just can't be accepted.
I wrote the whole thing again, and I'm pleased, and I've been thinking all these warm happy thoughts, and i feel at ease...I just don't know if I have the strength to send it...after all, that's leaving room for rejection...and I've never realy liked that much.
Anyay, the end of freeflow, it brings up too much raw stuff.
Had a wonderful night last night in a bar, with Lorna and Herman, and some foreigners.
A guy who wanted to lighten his load of CDs had a giveaway and we each got about 20.
We danced to The cure, the smiths, and, (for patriotic reasons) Primal Scream.
I tried to show lorna that there was a proper choreographed shuffle dance for "movin' on up" but she just giggled and didn't believe me.
I later danced 'conceptually' to Lullaby and the only reason I mention it, is because Lorna swore she would tell EVERYONE!!!
Just for the record I think I did a great interpretation.
A Philipino brother and sister we're friends with, phyco-analysed me, while Lorna and Herman played some mind game with a candle.
aparantly, i have a severe case of 'societybath' and compete with my siblings and try to get people to like me.
I shouldn't meditate because I'm trying to change the negative into positive, rather than accept it as me, and i should find the solution before looking for answers.
Sheesh, a little much after so may beers methinks, but nonetheless, it's all been noted, in the section of my brain, labelled: "deal with later".
I'm missing cheese enough to kill for it, and Iain made me happy in my dreams.
big lovely bubbles to you.
Freeflow......
Been thinking about going home, made up my mind to do this in February...braved the 'facing reality' clause in my dwindling relationship and had the final chat with Herman.
Discovered i don't hate him as much now i've been honest with him, and that a lot of the resentment I was showing him, came from a frustration at myself for not doing what i needed to. Sometimes i'm a real coward. Now the truth is unveiled though, I'm a little vulnerable and am restraining myself everyday from getting in contact with all the potential boyfriends left unresolved and hanging on back home. I KNOW IT"S BAD, but as I know only too well, i'm a clinger-on, and I find it hard to keep in my own company for too long.
DENIAL..is such a beautiful thing in moments of weakness.
Been writing a letter to a childhood friend who's mother passed away recently. It's been some years since we spoke, and years before that i messed up badly, and feel unsure of how to approach the whole matter. Sometimes it's easier to bury these feelings of longing and remorse, but this one is a biggie for me.
A friend from my early years, we learned together and grew together...literally, we were one person for a long time, and now i desperately want to get in touch and tell her i care and comfort her, but too much has passed.
I dreamed of her mother 2 days before she died, and she told me to give up smoking and that "it's never too late"
hard for some to believe, but in my world there's nothing strange about it.
I wrote the first draft, and on a second glance realised it was so self-indulgent I'd be a bitch to post it.
"I'm sorry i did this" "forgive me" "I never meant to" me me me me me me me me me me
after some time i decided, i want to remind her of the good times, not look for acceptance of things that just can't be accepted.
I wrote the whole thing again, and I'm pleased, and I've been thinking all these warm happy thoughts, and i feel at ease...I just don't know if I have the strength to send it...after all, that's leaving room for rejection...and I've never realy liked that much.
Anyay, the end of freeflow, it brings up too much raw stuff.
Had a wonderful night last night in a bar, with Lorna and Herman, and some foreigners.
A guy who wanted to lighten his load of CDs had a giveaway and we each got about 20.
We danced to The cure, the smiths, and, (for patriotic reasons) Primal Scream.
I tried to show lorna that there was a proper choreographed shuffle dance for "movin' on up" but she just giggled and didn't believe me.
I later danced 'conceptually' to Lullaby and the only reason I mention it, is because Lorna swore she would tell EVERYONE!!!
Just for the record I think I did a great interpretation.
A Philipino brother and sister we're friends with, phyco-analysed me, while Lorna and Herman played some mind game with a candle.
aparantly, i have a severe case of 'societybath' and compete with my siblings and try to get people to like me.
I shouldn't meditate because I'm trying to change the negative into positive, rather than accept it as me, and i should find the solution before looking for answers.
Sheesh, a little much after so may beers methinks, but nonetheless, it's all been noted, in the section of my brain, labelled: "deal with later".
I'm missing cheese enough to kill for it, and Iain made me happy in my dreams.
big lovely bubbles to you.