Your beauty never, ever scared me...
Hiii! Back @ work again.
I went to NC last week to move Brandon down here (per previous entry). I wrote an e-mail to him while I was on my flight and I want to post it here:
"Hi!!
I'm on the plane right now, in mid-flight. The thought just went through my mind that I'm flying some 500 miles in an hour and a half's time to see you, only to turn around in a day or two to go back from where I came. I thought about us going to the mall to Lush and seeing a place that's so familiar. A place I've visited for the last 12 years. I don't know anyone that works there, and they wouldn't know how far I've come to be standing in front of them, or that my being there is only momentary. I'm reading one of my newer Witchcraft books, and I'm feeling reflective about what I've read. The point of saying all that is that what we are about to do is very magical. Our whole relationship is magical, and we very much live in our own world that no one knows anything about. Really, everyone lives in their own little world, and we all choose who comes and goes.
I know you miss your family and I know you're going to feel very homesick for a bit, but I hope that you will remember that this journey is about us, you and me. I would have stayed in Raleigh for you and given up being close to my family to pursue my relationship with you and invest in our future. It means everything that you are following me now. I just hope that we can both work on immersing ourselves in our new home before we go back so soon. It's important to me that you spend time around my family and begin to feel that they are your family too.
It's an honor to share this journey with you. I think we will find that we may live a few different places before we get old and settle in. It's funny to think that right now I'm wearing a dress we bought (well, you bought for me) in Beaufort. When I met you, I had no idea that place existed or it was, and, now, I think of it fondly looking back on the memories of being there. The whole trip was enchanting. I'm also thinking of the feeling of being "lost" and "stuck." I'm remembering the thought of being in high school and watching the cars go by and wishing that I was going anywhere as long as I could be out in the day. What we're doing is exactly wanted then. As was our trip to FL in April and Beaufort in May. I guess that's what I mean when I talk about working, feeling "trapped," and the thought that life is about a job and producing. My soul lives for this adventure of feeling free. Of flying out of town and running around anywhere, I want to go and not doing what I "should" be doing. Having the love of my life by my side to adventure with. I think that's the happiest I have felt and ever could feel.
I want to love, feel, see, and experience. I don't want to be any one place; I want to be everywhere and anywhere. There are many people who have more than we do and many people who have less. There are people who have gotten to spend all their lives with their true loves and others who only had a fleeting moment. My biggest and greatest fear is losing you. Just imagining it hurts as if it were real. I've felt the same way about my Mom whenever that thought comes into my head. I've felt that way about past partners, but never anyone else. So, right now, just you and my Mom. I am hopeful that we will have the rest of our long, healthy lives together, but I am grateful for having today and each day as it comes. Every part of my being indulges in the day today: the sun warming my skin; the smell of the fall taking over; seeing the leaves changing color and all the familiar places I've been; listening to the sounds of birds and cars and wind blowing through the trees; the taste of your kiss after being without you for the past four months and first sip of a strawberry acai refresher in your company. Every pore, every cell, every atom is buzzing with electricity.
I think this is the best I've ever been able to describe these feelings. Many times I cry because I get overwhelmed with it all. There are tears I can feel now being so full of happiness and contentment. It's these times that make me feel most alive. In these moments, I forget that I ever wished I wasn't alive or that I'd want to hurt myself. There's so much meaning to this moment.
Forever yours, as big as the sky,
Eden"
The past five days went by in the blink of an eye; I guess that's how it is. As soon as I landed, Brandon and I went to Summit to change my name on my account, then Crabtree (pretzels / Lush), Spirit Halloween, his apartment, Holy Rose, and then to dinner with his Mom. It doesn't seem like much, but we were at each place for a while. Not to mention, we didn't get started until 11:30am or so when I landed. I had hoped that we'd have everything packed and ready to go to leave on Friday, but we didn't head out until Saturday; that was fine. We saw Maleficent Friday night at North Hills. I thought it was going to feel sad/odd being back, but it wasn't as intense as I imagined. I did feel a bit upset at certain times, but overall, I was fine.
Meeting Brandon's Mother was lovely. We went to a restaurant called Milton's. I had never been there before, although I had been by it several times. She was as I imagined her to be: charming. I had mixed feelings about not meeting the rest of his family. It was a combination of being relieved and disappointed. There's always next time, though, and I know it won't be very long. When we left Saturday, both of us were tired. Brandon was feeling irritable, which I'm sure was mostly (if not entirely) due to his stopping vaping. We bickered a bit on the road. I told myself I was going to try to be more forgiving and remind myself why we might be butting heads, but I've been quickly forgetting. I get tired and anxious, and my rationale fades into the background. I've been happy that he's here with me, but I've also been allowing my mind to wander to negative places.
The problem continues to be my expectations, my selfishness, and my impatience. I don't want it to seem as though things are terrible because they aren't. I've enjoyed spending the past five days with him, as always, they were short-lived. No matter what, we had our adventure. We sat in the meditation room for the past two mornings and drank tea together. We drove around town and explored some places I had never been to. I'm hopeful that we will both settle in soon. I'm still feeling unsettled with the new job just arising and the commute to it. I feel bad I can't be home more for Brandon while he's getting used to being here. It might also be better for us, though, so he has some alone time to decompress and relax. I enjoyed my downtime between AUI and here.
In a way, I'm still feeling lost. I think a lot of it has to do with the e-mail I posted above. I'm back at work today and feeling flustered and unmotivated. I'm finding every way possible to justify spending absurd amounts of money. It's about time to go home now. I'm not in a bad place, but I'm still trying to get myself grounded and not feeling so wayward. I have to focus on vigilantly remaining gracious.
I went to NC last week to move Brandon down here (per previous entry). I wrote an e-mail to him while I was on my flight and I want to post it here:
"Hi!!
I'm on the plane right now, in mid-flight. The thought just went through my mind that I'm flying some 500 miles in an hour and a half's time to see you, only to turn around in a day or two to go back from where I came. I thought about us going to the mall to Lush and seeing a place that's so familiar. A place I've visited for the last 12 years. I don't know anyone that works there, and they wouldn't know how far I've come to be standing in front of them, or that my being there is only momentary. I'm reading one of my newer Witchcraft books, and I'm feeling reflective about what I've read. The point of saying all that is that what we are about to do is very magical. Our whole relationship is magical, and we very much live in our own world that no one knows anything about. Really, everyone lives in their own little world, and we all choose who comes and goes.
I know you miss your family and I know you're going to feel very homesick for a bit, but I hope that you will remember that this journey is about us, you and me. I would have stayed in Raleigh for you and given up being close to my family to pursue my relationship with you and invest in our future. It means everything that you are following me now. I just hope that we can both work on immersing ourselves in our new home before we go back so soon. It's important to me that you spend time around my family and begin to feel that they are your family too.
It's an honor to share this journey with you. I think we will find that we may live a few different places before we get old and settle in. It's funny to think that right now I'm wearing a dress we bought (well, you bought for me) in Beaufort. When I met you, I had no idea that place existed or it was, and, now, I think of it fondly looking back on the memories of being there. The whole trip was enchanting. I'm also thinking of the feeling of being "lost" and "stuck." I'm remembering the thought of being in high school and watching the cars go by and wishing that I was going anywhere as long as I could be out in the day. What we're doing is exactly wanted then. As was our trip to FL in April and Beaufort in May. I guess that's what I mean when I talk about working, feeling "trapped," and the thought that life is about a job and producing. My soul lives for this adventure of feeling free. Of flying out of town and running around anywhere, I want to go and not doing what I "should" be doing. Having the love of my life by my side to adventure with. I think that's the happiest I have felt and ever could feel.
I want to love, feel, see, and experience. I don't want to be any one place; I want to be everywhere and anywhere. There are many people who have more than we do and many people who have less. There are people who have gotten to spend all their lives with their true loves and others who only had a fleeting moment. My biggest and greatest fear is losing you. Just imagining it hurts as if it were real. I've felt the same way about my Mom whenever that thought comes into my head. I've felt that way about past partners, but never anyone else. So, right now, just you and my Mom. I am hopeful that we will have the rest of our long, healthy lives together, but I am grateful for having today and each day as it comes. Every part of my being indulges in the day today: the sun warming my skin; the smell of the fall taking over; seeing the leaves changing color and all the familiar places I've been; listening to the sounds of birds and cars and wind blowing through the trees; the taste of your kiss after being without you for the past four months and first sip of a strawberry acai refresher in your company. Every pore, every cell, every atom is buzzing with electricity.
I think this is the best I've ever been able to describe these feelings. Many times I cry because I get overwhelmed with it all. There are tears I can feel now being so full of happiness and contentment. It's these times that make me feel most alive. In these moments, I forget that I ever wished I wasn't alive or that I'd want to hurt myself. There's so much meaning to this moment.
Forever yours, as big as the sky,
Eden"
The past five days went by in the blink of an eye; I guess that's how it is. As soon as I landed, Brandon and I went to Summit to change my name on my account, then Crabtree (pretzels / Lush), Spirit Halloween, his apartment, Holy Rose, and then to dinner with his Mom. It doesn't seem like much, but we were at each place for a while. Not to mention, we didn't get started until 11:30am or so when I landed. I had hoped that we'd have everything packed and ready to go to leave on Friday, but we didn't head out until Saturday; that was fine. We saw Maleficent Friday night at North Hills. I thought it was going to feel sad/odd being back, but it wasn't as intense as I imagined. I did feel a bit upset at certain times, but overall, I was fine.
Meeting Brandon's Mother was lovely. We went to a restaurant called Milton's. I had never been there before, although I had been by it several times. She was as I imagined her to be: charming. I had mixed feelings about not meeting the rest of his family. It was a combination of being relieved and disappointed. There's always next time, though, and I know it won't be very long. When we left Saturday, both of us were tired. Brandon was feeling irritable, which I'm sure was mostly (if not entirely) due to his stopping vaping. We bickered a bit on the road. I told myself I was going to try to be more forgiving and remind myself why we might be butting heads, but I've been quickly forgetting. I get tired and anxious, and my rationale fades into the background. I've been happy that he's here with me, but I've also been allowing my mind to wander to negative places.
The problem continues to be my expectations, my selfishness, and my impatience. I don't want it to seem as though things are terrible because they aren't. I've enjoyed spending the past five days with him, as always, they were short-lived. No matter what, we had our adventure. We sat in the meditation room for the past two mornings and drank tea together. We drove around town and explored some places I had never been to. I'm hopeful that we will both settle in soon. I'm still feeling unsettled with the new job just arising and the commute to it. I feel bad I can't be home more for Brandon while he's getting used to being here. It might also be better for us, though, so he has some alone time to decompress and relax. I enjoyed my downtime between AUI and here.
In a way, I'm still feeling lost. I think a lot of it has to do with the e-mail I posted above. I'm back at work today and feeling flustered and unmotivated. I'm finding every way possible to justify spending absurd amounts of money. It's about time to go home now. I'm not in a bad place, but I'm still trying to get myself grounded and not feeling so wayward. I have to focus on vigilantly remaining gracious.