Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in the cage?
It's Sunday! I woke up early today, which was good. I have to go to Orlando tomorrow for my job interview, and I'm not entirely looking forward to it, LOL. It's such a long drive only to be there for an hour or two. It takes me longer to drive there and back. I am excited to get to work, though. I need to get back to making money.
I've spent a while sitting around this morning. I took the babies out ~7:30, came in and played my game for a bit, made some tea, lit some candles, and sat in the meditation room watching the candles burn. I'm trying to figure out how to calm my mind down. As always, my entire existence is revolving around and hinged upon my current relationship with Brandon. I'm worrying about so many things per usual. It's as if I can't allow myself to break free from all the fears and doubts and anxiety. It's as if it has to be there for the world to turn. All this shit comes out of my mouth when I talk to Brandon purely to get a reaction. We had a slight issue come up the other night (Friday), where I found out that he had a KIK he was using. I reacted strongly at first, although, I did do my best to talk myself down at the moment. I think I did well. I believe that he was using it for what he says, but it's the fact that it was kept a secret.
I know that I've made it so that he wants to keep me away from the Michelle part of his life. Selfishly that's what I want, but then I think that's stupid of me. When I was sitting in the bath, shaving my legs this morning, I was reaffirming the same thought I often have: I need to stop being so self-centered and judgemental. Each time I feel like I'm going to lose my relationship, I think of how much it means to me and that it's worth anything to hold onto it. I've felt that way about everyone I've dated in the past. The thought occurred to me that this relationship reminds me of my relationship with Sarge slightly. It's funny because Brandon and Sarge are both Capricorns. It feels like we're often not on the same page. I was hoping that our conversation about KIK yesterday would have been a little more productive. Brandon just repeated the same thing he texted and admitted that he found the situation irritating because it seemed like I was contradictory in my actions and reaction to the occurrence. I can partly understand that, but I wasn't upset for any other reason beyond a secret involving a messaging app designed for people to sneak around.
He didn't want to discuss it other than what he repeated, and the conversation got turned around a bit. The whole thing seemed awfully hypocritical on his part, but I tried to roll with it. I agree that he should be upset about things I've said and done as it concerns my mentioning and talking to other men. I reflect on it and feel stupid on my own. In the moments I say those things, I act impulsively for the reaction. I don't stop to think about what's coming out of my mouth and what impact it will have. I did something VERY similar to Chris, and I knew, after the fact, how detrimental it was. It was probably what led to the disintegration of our relationship. I've asked Brandon to read these journal entries in the hopes that he can understand who I am today. See all the things that have led to that place. Not that it makes anything excusable, but maybe there could be a better understanding of who I am. I tried not to, but in the back of mind, I did have expectations for how the conversation might turn out. In the end, my feelings were hurt slightly, hoping that he'd seem more apologetic and concerned for how I was doing. Again, I just tried to roll with it and shake off since I only felt that way because I allowed myself to have certain expectations.
I briefly mentioned to my Mom that it seemed like Brandon and I are dealing with some issues every day without getting into details. She suggested that it's because we're apart and creating worry from the stress of the situation. I agree, and I think that to myself often. Every "problem" we talk about is just topics on a loop. My and his worries stay the same, and it feels as if nothing is ever laid to rest. Granted, I'm the one rehashing things 80% of the time or doing something to cause him to bring up the same fear. I even worry that he doesn't [worry]. As I sat drinking my tea today, I wished for more inner peace and to be able to get out of my head. When I think about it, it's funny to me that I only have ever obsessed this much over my relationships.
I fret over other things, but it's usually minimal and/or short-lived. I've always wanted to be in love, so I know that's why it always seems monumental. I can't help but feel as though I keep meeting people who don't quite understand me in the way I think I need to be understood. I think of Gary Chapman's love languages, and it seems as if I continue to be in relationships where our languages differ too much. I do wonder what it would be like to date another Libra or Gemini; if things would seem more placid and in sync. I speak to Brandon about being "on the ledge" alone, and I often feel that way because our expression of emotions is different. He always echoes that he feels the same way but doesn't outwardly express or say it. My question continues to go unanswered when I ask, "How am I supposed to know what you feel if you don't tell me?" All we have right now is talking.
I do want to drop my rigid expectations, but I also don't want to be overly flexible. I've not ever mastered the art of walking that line. When Sarge and I were going to therapy, Patricia brought up the idea of "deal breakers," and being able to define what they were for each of us. I've always had the same bad habit of compromising myself for the sake of being in relationships. I realize this all keeps coming back to me, and this deep-seated inner turmoil. The most frustrating thing is that being abandoned is what I fear the most, yet, I do all the things that would foster that outcome. It's as if all my efforts to get a reaction are to see how far I can push the envelope so that I'll be able to prove to myself that whoever it is won't go anywhere, or that I drive someone away just enough so I'm not blindsided when things do fall apart. It's like this sick, self-fulfilling prophecy I keep perpetuating.
It was funny because when Brandon and I broke up over the summer, it felt relieving to be able to stop revolving my life around that relationship. I was able to rotate around myself. I enjoyed my quiet time, I explored on my own, and I engaged in fulfilling activities. I've never learned how to do this inside of a relationship; I always wanted my partner to be as consumed with me as I am with them. Either way, I recognize all of these things. I ask Brandon to be patient, but I don't know he realizes it's all these things I need him to be patient with. I want us to work out not because I need to have a relationship, but because we feel so genuine.
It's time to walk the dogs and figure out lunch. I'm grateful I could get these ideas out. I know I can be OK. Better than OK even.
I've spent a while sitting around this morning. I took the babies out ~7:30, came in and played my game for a bit, made some tea, lit some candles, and sat in the meditation room watching the candles burn. I'm trying to figure out how to calm my mind down. As always, my entire existence is revolving around and hinged upon my current relationship with Brandon. I'm worrying about so many things per usual. It's as if I can't allow myself to break free from all the fears and doubts and anxiety. It's as if it has to be there for the world to turn. All this shit comes out of my mouth when I talk to Brandon purely to get a reaction. We had a slight issue come up the other night (Friday), where I found out that he had a KIK he was using. I reacted strongly at first, although, I did do my best to talk myself down at the moment. I think I did well. I believe that he was using it for what he says, but it's the fact that it was kept a secret.
I know that I've made it so that he wants to keep me away from the Michelle part of his life. Selfishly that's what I want, but then I think that's stupid of me. When I was sitting in the bath, shaving my legs this morning, I was reaffirming the same thought I often have: I need to stop being so self-centered and judgemental. Each time I feel like I'm going to lose my relationship, I think of how much it means to me and that it's worth anything to hold onto it. I've felt that way about everyone I've dated in the past. The thought occurred to me that this relationship reminds me of my relationship with Sarge slightly. It's funny because Brandon and Sarge are both Capricorns. It feels like we're often not on the same page. I was hoping that our conversation about KIK yesterday would have been a little more productive. Brandon just repeated the same thing he texted and admitted that he found the situation irritating because it seemed like I was contradictory in my actions and reaction to the occurrence. I can partly understand that, but I wasn't upset for any other reason beyond a secret involving a messaging app designed for people to sneak around.
He didn't want to discuss it other than what he repeated, and the conversation got turned around a bit. The whole thing seemed awfully hypocritical on his part, but I tried to roll with it. I agree that he should be upset about things I've said and done as it concerns my mentioning and talking to other men. I reflect on it and feel stupid on my own. In the moments I say those things, I act impulsively for the reaction. I don't stop to think about what's coming out of my mouth and what impact it will have. I did something VERY similar to Chris, and I knew, after the fact, how detrimental it was. It was probably what led to the disintegration of our relationship. I've asked Brandon to read these journal entries in the hopes that he can understand who I am today. See all the things that have led to that place. Not that it makes anything excusable, but maybe there could be a better understanding of who I am. I tried not to, but in the back of mind, I did have expectations for how the conversation might turn out. In the end, my feelings were hurt slightly, hoping that he'd seem more apologetic and concerned for how I was doing. Again, I just tried to roll with it and shake off since I only felt that way because I allowed myself to have certain expectations.
I briefly mentioned to my Mom that it seemed like Brandon and I are dealing with some issues every day without getting into details. She suggested that it's because we're apart and creating worry from the stress of the situation. I agree, and I think that to myself often. Every "problem" we talk about is just topics on a loop. My and his worries stay the same, and it feels as if nothing is ever laid to rest. Granted, I'm the one rehashing things 80% of the time or doing something to cause him to bring up the same fear. I even worry that he doesn't [worry]. As I sat drinking my tea today, I wished for more inner peace and to be able to get out of my head. When I think about it, it's funny to me that I only have ever obsessed this much over my relationships.
I fret over other things, but it's usually minimal and/or short-lived. I've always wanted to be in love, so I know that's why it always seems monumental. I can't help but feel as though I keep meeting people who don't quite understand me in the way I think I need to be understood. I think of Gary Chapman's love languages, and it seems as if I continue to be in relationships where our languages differ too much. I do wonder what it would be like to date another Libra or Gemini; if things would seem more placid and in sync. I speak to Brandon about being "on the ledge" alone, and I often feel that way because our expression of emotions is different. He always echoes that he feels the same way but doesn't outwardly express or say it. My question continues to go unanswered when I ask, "How am I supposed to know what you feel if you don't tell me?" All we have right now is talking.
I do want to drop my rigid expectations, but I also don't want to be overly flexible. I've not ever mastered the art of walking that line. When Sarge and I were going to therapy, Patricia brought up the idea of "deal breakers," and being able to define what they were for each of us. I've always had the same bad habit of compromising myself for the sake of being in relationships. I realize this all keeps coming back to me, and this deep-seated inner turmoil. The most frustrating thing is that being abandoned is what I fear the most, yet, I do all the things that would foster that outcome. It's as if all my efforts to get a reaction are to see how far I can push the envelope so that I'll be able to prove to myself that whoever it is won't go anywhere, or that I drive someone away just enough so I'm not blindsided when things do fall apart. It's like this sick, self-fulfilling prophecy I keep perpetuating.
It was funny because when Brandon and I broke up over the summer, it felt relieving to be able to stop revolving my life around that relationship. I was able to rotate around myself. I enjoyed my quiet time, I explored on my own, and I engaged in fulfilling activities. I've never learned how to do this inside of a relationship; I always wanted my partner to be as consumed with me as I am with them. Either way, I recognize all of these things. I ask Brandon to be patient, but I don't know he realizes it's all these things I need him to be patient with. I want us to work out not because I need to have a relationship, but because we feel so genuine.
It's time to walk the dogs and figure out lunch. I'm grateful I could get these ideas out. I know I can be OK. Better than OK even.