it's hard to explain how i'm getting by on so little from you
Ugh. I'm having one of those "I'm not good enough" days. I know it makes me look pathetic and weak... I know this. But it kind of creeps up on me from nowhere. Since I don't see it coming it envelopes me in it's dark cloak and seems to black out anything positive that I've ever heard said in reference to myself.
I feel like I give and give and give... and it doesn't really seem to pay off. I feel like i'm not appreciated for my efforts. I was told after I broke up with Adam that his whole family thought I treated him like shit. WOW. That floored me. So, I've probably listened to this song like 40 times today. I feel like it speaks to me today. The portion I've made bold hits me the most. That part is in reference to Kyle I guess. I can't help but compare myself to all these other girls that he's been with...I want so badly to be everything he wants/needs/sees/etc. I just get this sinking feeling that I'm not it. He's settling. He'll begin to get bored and stray just like al the others in the past. I feel like I'm not capable of holding his attention. No matter what I do I just don't think I'll be able to keep him around. I guess if you never jump, you never fall... or so I've been told. But it's absolutely terrifying.
Part I think is him.... He's been in a two long relationships but he was very young. (like high school) Since that time he's been nothing but a playboy and I feel like he's not going to be capable of being in a relationship with one person. In his past when he's been bored he just moved on to another chick, with no real feelings involved with any of them. It scares me. I know he says he loves me... but others have said that too and dropped me like a ragdoll when something interesting came along. I feel like I'm always the last to know.
I guess that's why I looked at his messages when he left his facebook open. I felt all gross and slimy for looking, but I was burned once before by that shit so I guess I was trying to stay one step ahead of the curve. I don't want to look like the fool again. I fear more than anything that I eventually will. My parents were married for more than 20 years and the last 6 my dad cheated on her with another woman. 6 years!!! I fear that if I ever do get close to someone, close enough for marriage and kids and the like... that I'll be in the dark like my mother. I'm petrified that I will turn out like her. I am her in so many other ways. I pray not to be foolish. I fear that no matter what I do, it's just not in me to make someone happy. I'm not capable.
Normally something like this... thinking I can't do something, makes me more determined than ever. Someone doubting me just pushes me to do better. but once it's my own seeds of doubt that have sprouted... I can't get them to leave. I don't know how to turn it around I guess. It's so frustrating.
"Ender Will Save Us All" Dashboard Confessional
It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.
The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong
Try not to be wrong.
I feel like I give and give and give... and it doesn't really seem to pay off. I feel like i'm not appreciated for my efforts. I was told after I broke up with Adam that his whole family thought I treated him like shit. WOW. That floored me. So, I've probably listened to this song like 40 times today. I feel like it speaks to me today. The portion I've made bold hits me the most. That part is in reference to Kyle I guess. I can't help but compare myself to all these other girls that he's been with...I want so badly to be everything he wants/needs/sees/etc. I just get this sinking feeling that I'm not it. He's settling. He'll begin to get bored and stray just like al the others in the past. I feel like I'm not capable of holding his attention. No matter what I do I just don't think I'll be able to keep him around. I guess if you never jump, you never fall... or so I've been told. But it's absolutely terrifying.
Part I think is him.... He's been in a two long relationships but he was very young. (like high school) Since that time he's been nothing but a playboy and I feel like he's not going to be capable of being in a relationship with one person. In his past when he's been bored he just moved on to another chick, with no real feelings involved with any of them. It scares me. I know he says he loves me... but others have said that too and dropped me like a ragdoll when something interesting came along. I feel like I'm always the last to know.
I guess that's why I looked at his messages when he left his facebook open. I felt all gross and slimy for looking, but I was burned once before by that shit so I guess I was trying to stay one step ahead of the curve. I don't want to look like the fool again. I fear more than anything that I eventually will. My parents were married for more than 20 years and the last 6 my dad cheated on her with another woman. 6 years!!! I fear that if I ever do get close to someone, close enough for marriage and kids and the like... that I'll be in the dark like my mother. I'm petrified that I will turn out like her. I am her in so many other ways. I pray not to be foolish. I fear that no matter what I do, it's just not in me to make someone happy. I'm not capable.
Normally something like this... thinking I can't do something, makes me more determined than ever. Someone doubting me just pushes me to do better. but once it's my own seeds of doubt that have sprouted... I can't get them to leave. I don't know how to turn it around I guess. It's so frustrating.
"Ender Will Save Us All" Dashboard Confessional
It's just like you to contest
you wear it like a label on your breast
don't you see what this takes of me?
A certain callousness complies
with your charm & in your pride
a hopeful look draped in despise.
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it what I need?
I want to give you
whatever you need.
What is it you need?
Is it within me?
It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.
The harder I push the further I fall.
Well you don't mind me being headstrong.
But you don't want to sing along.
Maybe it's trite but I can always be wrong
Try not to be wrong.