if it is bothering you this bad then you need to get professional help. after one of my friend (which i will not name because i promised not to) had a friend die in a car accident this person was so overwhelmed with grief that she carried this burden like you did for so long. it seemed to start consuming their thoughts and hendering their life that they became secluded to themselves. the only relief they got was from talking to this professional. people that have those jobs have them because they went to learn more about people's problems. sometimes problems like this need to be handled by someone who you can talk to and know that by law they arent' allowed to say a word about your situation and they have no bias and will just let you talk. in my opinion, i don't think bethe went to hell and i'm pretty sure cathlics are the only ones that believe suicides go to hell. everyone in the christian faith i knew kinda had ambigous thoughts about that matter. sweetie, don't dwell in the past there is nothing you can do. the best advice i can give you is think about the things you have now. the friends that you have and the family that you have. we all miss her but i would doubt that she would want us to mope around feeling bad for what happenned. she came to peace with her decission and i'm sure she wants us to find the peace that she did. maybe some of us arent meant to live a full life. maybe she finished what she was here for. in the end it was what she truly wanted and we have to accept that.
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