Mid-Life Crisis
I've really little to say, though I've been wanting to say something all day. I just don't know what. And this insomnia is getting to me. These long hours of silence. Silence that I won't let happen, so I flick on a music channel and have to put up with grating noises of bad artists.
JC is nice. He's "approved" by J. But I'd never date JC. We'd never be more than friends, though many people hope we would be. They just don't understand. They don't understand how I want to cut all the ties. How I want to have college relationships like a lot of people. How even if I found the "right" guy, I'd probably ditch him anyways, or be forced to have a mid-life crisis like S's mom.
Mid-life crisises. I don't want to have one. I saw what that can do to a family. S's parents almost got divorced last summer. So close. Too close. And it still shows the scars. Sometimes, a lot of the time, we (S, her dad, M, B, me, etc.) think that it would've been better had S's mom stayed gone. Mean? Maybe. True? Definitely.
It's this fear that caused me to crash at Kyle's place. I'll never tell what exactly went on, but I knwo now it was stupid. I also know now that I'd've not done differently. It's like when I'm invited to a party I don't quite want to go to (I'll be uncomfortable, for sure), but if my friends are going, I'll go anyways. I don't want to be left out. I want to know what it would be like had I chose to go instead of to stay sitting around my computer.
And it was a regret. But in five years, it won't be that big. And maybe I'll be one step farther away from having a midlife crisis. I have to believe that, because, had it not been for that belief, I'd have not done something so stupid.
But I don't want to be like S's mom. I don't want to have a mid-life crisis, because I see no point and I don't want to tear whatever I may have up.
So future me, if you ever see this, I've been looking out for you all along. I've been thinking about how you'll feel, what may happen. So don't hate me, please? Cause if you did, well that's even worse than my parents hating me.
*Beatrix
JC is nice. He's "approved" by J. But I'd never date JC. We'd never be more than friends, though many people hope we would be. They just don't understand. They don't understand how I want to cut all the ties. How I want to have college relationships like a lot of people. How even if I found the "right" guy, I'd probably ditch him anyways, or be forced to have a mid-life crisis like S's mom.
Mid-life crisises. I don't want to have one. I saw what that can do to a family. S's parents almost got divorced last summer. So close. Too close. And it still shows the scars. Sometimes, a lot of the time, we (S, her dad, M, B, me, etc.) think that it would've been better had S's mom stayed gone. Mean? Maybe. True? Definitely.
It's this fear that caused me to crash at Kyle's place. I'll never tell what exactly went on, but I knwo now it was stupid. I also know now that I'd've not done differently. It's like when I'm invited to a party I don't quite want to go to (I'll be uncomfortable, for sure), but if my friends are going, I'll go anyways. I don't want to be left out. I want to know what it would be like had I chose to go instead of to stay sitting around my computer.
And it was a regret. But in five years, it won't be that big. And maybe I'll be one step farther away from having a midlife crisis. I have to believe that, because, had it not been for that belief, I'd have not done something so stupid.
But I don't want to be like S's mom. I don't want to have a mid-life crisis, because I see no point and I don't want to tear whatever I may have up.
So future me, if you ever see this, I've been looking out for you all along. I've been thinking about how you'll feel, what may happen. So don't hate me, please? Cause if you did, well that's even worse than my parents hating me.
*Beatrix