Letting go is hard.
My heart is shut tight again. I did everything I SHOULD NOT do... how did I spiral down? what happened to me? I never thought I could be so possessive, so angry, so afraid. So aroused...
Now, I have to find a way to heal. I left BUCK-TICK for some time... actually, all music. I didn't listen to any music for months.
I still am angry, even if it's my fault. I'm frustrated. I felt led astray when she was with her men... I wanted to be part of her happiness, her desires... I wanted to learn everything from her, transform myself into a better person. Well, I said I wanted to learn more from myself and I did. It was horrible. I mean, useful, but so scary. She can really awaken people's darkest sides by just being herself.
What do you do when you are angry or sad? I tried hiding myself in silence until it got better. I also tried to tell everything I felt to her. None worked. It was the same about my guilt feelings of desiring her. I confessed it to her, I hid it from her, I tried to masturbate. Again, nothing worked. Something inside me would just block me. I felt a duality between my feelings and my thoughts. I hated her deeply, even if I knew she wasn't doing anything wrong.
Dudes, what abvout my envy?? I tried SO HARD to get past it! When I thought I was finally free, BANG! It came back.
I also wanted her to always nurture me, but in my mind I knew she at times neededed support. I felt incovenient, selfish. I tried to get past it and be there. But when I tried to cheer her up, I felt I was being fake, imitating her.
I trusted her my mental sanity, always feeling anxious, feeling dumb. She lied about Arui wa Anarchy being embargoed!... WHY?...
Now, where do I go? What do I do? How will I know if I am prepared to stay studying what she taught me? How will I know when I will be individuated? I feel lost. I wanted her to be my teacher and felt she was throwing me bones, crumbles of bread.
In my mind, I know it's MY fault. Now, how do I feel positive things? Can I only control my actions, or can I change my feelings too?
Maybe if I had meditated, I would know the answers now. *sighs* Back to the drawing board...