Yesterday's Hold
Well, I'm off to a Science Fiction convention for the weekend, so I figured I'd leave you all with this:
Title: Yesterday's Hold
Author: Kathryn O
Pairing: Paul/other, Paul/Linda
timeframe: Early 1980s
warning: Prison
rating; PG-13
Summary: Paul copes with prison as best as he can
Disclaimer: I have no idea how prison effected Paul really
Yesterday’s Hold
I didn’t like having to sleep on the floor of the prison cell. Sure they gave me some sort of roll-up bamboo matt to sleep on and blankets but I’d prefer a warm comfy bed any day over that arraignment.
Lights went out at a certain time every night no matter if you were ready or not for it. I just remember the overwhelming fear I felt there. I couldn’t believe it was really happening. I had heard something about the typical sentence for pot possession was something like five years and even though I knew that Linda’s father was working like mad on the outside to get me released, I still had my doubts about what was going to happen especially since I had gotten locked up in the first place.
That first night in there was the worst. I had spent most of the day with my back against the wall so no one could jump me and rape me. I was so terrified of the other prisoners most of which who were in there for a good deal worse then my crime. I didn’t like lying on the floor and I didn’t like the cell or the dark. I had never really been afraid of the dark before but that night it unnerved me. I felt like the lack of light was encroaching on me.
I tried to close my eyes. I tried to relax as best as I could on that hard matt with some brick they gave me for a pillow. Or maybe it was a bag of cement. It wasn’t comfortable that much I remember. Even as I felt myself finally drifting off into twilight there was a part of my brain that stayed awake and alert. It was the fight or flight response and it wanted me to flee but I couldn’t leave. It was a horrible struggle for my psyche.
Then the worst happened. I heard my cell mate shifting next to me. He had laid his matt down next to mine but I had ignored him. I shifted mine a little further away to give a signal I wasn’t interested but somehow he ended up right next to me as I was drifting off to sleep.
Now he was rolling over and mumbling something softly in Japanese that I couldn’t understand. I felt a hand on my shoulder, an arm going around me pulling me closer.
I didn’t know what to do at that moment as my worst fears were realized.
“This is it,” I said to myself. “This is where I get raped.”
As my body slid against its will those few inches closer to my assaulter, I did the only thing I felt capable of doing. I began to cry. I couldn’t help it. I started to quiver and tremble and the tears just flowed out of me. I’m embarrassed to admit that but I couldn’t control myself. There was just no way to stop the sobbing.
As my cries got a little louder, with my whole body shaking like I was in a seizure, I felt a hand gently brush my hair and stroke the side of my face and shoulder. It was a warm hand trying to be tender. The fingers stroked my ear, my chin.
I felt a human face move by my ear. I could feel his breath on my skin. He whispered gently to me as he continued to stroke me. “Shhhhhh,” He tried to hush me. He mumbled some more in Japanese that I did not understand and then he shushed me once again.
My sobbing lessened but it was not going to stop. Not with this nightmare unfolding as I tried to sleep.
His stroking had obviously turned to fumbling with my clothing, seeing if he could slide his hands inside it to feel me or even better, get it off.
I started shaking again as his fingers dipped into my shirt at the collar, another hand feeling the waist of my pants. My sobbing continued once again in that dark cell as his mouth blew a, “Shhhh,” into my ear once again.
Then, as his hands really began exploring me in earnest, I heard him start to hum. It took me a couple of seconds, but he was humming Yesterday. He was humming it soft and slow as he tried to pull open my pants, one hand cupping my rear. It was like a surreal nightmare. This could not be happening.
As he continued to sing the song lowly, he pressed himself against me, wrapping his thighs around mine.
I kept my eyes shut now, fearing to look at him and emblaze the image in my conscience forever. I never wanted to hear Yesterday ever again.
Right as he lifted himself over me in some attempt at mounting me, did I finally shout out a loud, “No!” and I found myself laying in my own familiar comfortable bed engulfed by darkness. A form lying next to me let me know that Linda was right there sound asleep.
It had only been a dream. Another one, not my first since I had my bad incident in Japan. It explained some of the details being wrong. Sure I had been afraid of being raped, but I was kept alone in my cell. No one shared it with me. I did interact with other prisoners but there was nobody laying on the floor next to me to do unmentionable things while singing Yesterday to me.
At this point, I just wanted to forget about the dream and maybe go back to sleep. Linda was so peaceful lying next to me that I decided to lay closer to her, putting my arms around her and feeling her womanliness which was just the opposite of that man in my dreams.
She stirred slightly and lifted her head, finding me holding her. I guess she might have mistaken my intentions because she started to stroke me back and I wasn’t thrilled. It was a little too soon after my dream and I flinched at her touch.
“You okay?” She asked being perceptive.
I swallowed before I could answer her. “I had a bad dream.”
Her arms encircled me. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
“No.”
She just held me like that in the dark and the warmth of our bed for the longest time. I was glad she was there for me.
After a while, I told her. “It was about Japan.”
She didn’t say anything for a while. “Maybe you need to get up and move around. Get some fresh air to remind you that you’re free now.” That had been a suggestion that had worked in the past a few times when I dreamt I was still in jail.
“No,” I replied. “Just lying here with you is doing wonders.”
She squeezed me gently.
“Just do me one favor,” I asked her. “Just please don’t hum Yesterday at me.”
“Okay, I won’t,” She said in a tone that seemed slightly amused.