Change
So, yesterday's post was interesting. Some of the reactions and comments made me think a lot about the way my attitudes towards my body have changed over the years. Back in 1989, I really wished that I lived in someone else's skin. Someone beefier and stronger... someone who LOOKED different. Someone...else.
Growing up I was always the runt. Then puberty struck and I sort of stretched out like a piece of taffy and I was skinny and awkward with all knees and elbows. I looked up to the stronger guys because they seemed to get all the attention. Let's add to this the fact that on TV, it seemed like the most famous faces (both locally and foreign) were white.
For me, specifically, everyone I looked up to or admired seemed to be white: heard a rock and roll or metal band song I liked, looked them up and yep, white. All the heroes on sci-fi or comic books, same thing. And even on a more personal note, before I even knew what a "bear" was, it was the white ones (with blond or reddish fur) that caught my eye. They seemed exotic to me, who lived surrounded by black and mulatos and being one myself. So the cool people that caught my eye didn't look much like I did. I responded to how cool, collected, strong and confident those people seemed to be and I wondered if someone that looked like me could be that way too?
When I came to America, my attitude started to change. Partly due to the levels of attention I started to get. It wasn't a lot, but certainly enough to make me think that just maybe, I was allright. Moving to California proved to be a lucky choice: I've been blessed with encountering guys that like guys who look like me here.
Over the years I've TRIED to put on weight, I've TRIED to become that beefier, stronger, more confident persona I'd idolized.
As I discovered more and more about my sexuality, it seemed that most bears liked bears and being a bear meant, mostly, to be blue eyed, beefy and white. So growing up, I didn't have see many successful people that looked like me and later, when my sexuality sort of blossomed there didn't seemed to be many bears that liked guys like me either.
I've learned that, although it's possible for me to gain weight, it'd take a LOT of calories to get me where I had wanted to be. The more I learn about how much it cost EVERYONE to get those calories to me, the more obscene that diet becomes. When you start learning about HOW that Foster Farms or Tyson chicken got to that supermarket shelf or HOW vegetables and fruits that normally wouldn't be in season for you get there as well, your perspective on the food you eat changes. So I've made peace with the body I have and I've tried to appreciate what it can give me.
Little by little, over the years, my self image has changed. Working towards goals and making some of the friends I've been blessed to make, I've just sort of discovered that sense of self-assurance that I so desperately wanted when I was growing up. I didn't set out to get it, but somehow, sometimes I can feel it. Now, being a bit older, perhaps I'm learning that this skin suit has little to do with who I can become or who I can love. Looking at that picture of who I was then and who I am now, I am filled with an awareness that I've changed a lot. My attitudes towards my body and self image have changed a lot too.
I have my moments of doubt still, sure, but I've learned that, mostly, those inner qualities I was searching for are mostly a state of mind.
Growing up I was always the runt. Then puberty struck and I sort of stretched out like a piece of taffy and I was skinny and awkward with all knees and elbows. I looked up to the stronger guys because they seemed to get all the attention. Let's add to this the fact that on TV, it seemed like the most famous faces (both locally and foreign) were white.
For me, specifically, everyone I looked up to or admired seemed to be white: heard a rock and roll or metal band song I liked, looked them up and yep, white. All the heroes on sci-fi or comic books, same thing. And even on a more personal note, before I even knew what a "bear" was, it was the white ones (with blond or reddish fur) that caught my eye. They seemed exotic to me, who lived surrounded by black and mulatos and being one myself. So the cool people that caught my eye didn't look much like I did. I responded to how cool, collected, strong and confident those people seemed to be and I wondered if someone that looked like me could be that way too?
When I came to America, my attitude started to change. Partly due to the levels of attention I started to get. It wasn't a lot, but certainly enough to make me think that just maybe, I was allright. Moving to California proved to be a lucky choice: I've been blessed with encountering guys that like guys who look like me here.
Over the years I've TRIED to put on weight, I've TRIED to become that beefier, stronger, more confident persona I'd idolized.
As I discovered more and more about my sexuality, it seemed that most bears liked bears and being a bear meant, mostly, to be blue eyed, beefy and white. So growing up, I didn't have see many successful people that looked like me and later, when my sexuality sort of blossomed there didn't seemed to be many bears that liked guys like me either.
I've learned that, although it's possible for me to gain weight, it'd take a LOT of calories to get me where I had wanted to be. The more I learn about how much it cost EVERYONE to get those calories to me, the more obscene that diet becomes. When you start learning about HOW that Foster Farms or Tyson chicken got to that supermarket shelf or HOW vegetables and fruits that normally wouldn't be in season for you get there as well, your perspective on the food you eat changes. So I've made peace with the body I have and I've tried to appreciate what it can give me.
Little by little, over the years, my self image has changed. Working towards goals and making some of the friends I've been blessed to make, I've just sort of discovered that sense of self-assurance that I so desperately wanted when I was growing up. I didn't set out to get it, but somehow, sometimes I can feel it. Now, being a bit older, perhaps I'm learning that this skin suit has little to do with who I can become or who I can love. Looking at that picture of who I was then and who I am now, I am filled with an awareness that I've changed a lot. My attitudes towards my body and self image have changed a lot too.
I have my moments of doubt still, sure, but I've learned that, mostly, those inner qualities I was searching for are mostly a state of mind.