(no subject)
i have alot on my mind today again... my ldbf is all like i love you and crap right .. ya so he loves me.. and says ya ur gonna be my wife and momma to all my babies.. and all that crap right... so this is it.. so do i really wanna be a momma to many babies and be a wife? like fer real... me and him have that holy fuck whoa omg connection... fer real... me and him when we first met was like whoa.. omg.. u know.. ok well maybe not so i will elaborate abit more.. so me and him met from this guy whose a complete fuck head btw... anyway.. off topic.. so it was after protocal one night wednesday night actually.. cuz we were up and stuff and the fuck head guy from nisqually found my sis's skirt and asked if it was mine and i said no and wutevas right.. so he was all like ya this is my boy ... and then me and him ended up like talking and i thought ya.. do the whole ya blah blah right .. lil chat but NO... we were standing there by my camp and talked for like hours and then everyone was going to sleep so i was like k.. maybe we should like go away from here where ppl are sleeping so shit you NOT.. we walked all over those grounds.. over and over again... for real.. we talked about everything and there wasn't those uncomfy moments of no talkin either.. we shit you not talked all night.. we found out about each other and all that good shit... we walked thru the "bighouse" and he was all like can i kiss ya.. i was nah... lets just keep talkin so he was like ok.. so we did.. it was like 8 in the morning.. and we both were like holy shit its daylight.. this was back in 05.. and ya.. we have been together since last april.. and stuff.. we hung out at the journeys this past summer in muckleshoot.. and stuff.. we talk everyday... see each other once in awhile.. but damn.. this boy i say... he is like for real about the whole getting married and all that crap... i don't know whose like reading this but ya... i was thinking of all the things in my life that happened in 06... started off with a bang!! literally.. don't ask.. then for a couple months i was sorta back with my white guy... but that was like just a bad mistake... cuz ya.. stupid fucker.. like a week and half before i met wes.. white guy was all like your the only girl on the crew for how long!!!!??????? i said what?.. these boys are gonna be family when my mom gets married to her man.. so.. there is SO nothing to worry about.. but he was like well if your gonna be the only girl i DO not allow you to go.. i was like allow me??? what the fuck who do you think u are my daddy? hell no so it was decided right then and there i was going on that fucking trip!!!! just to piss him off.. and well.. to get the fuck away from here too.. and shit.. ya.. it was quite the trip.. shit.. fer real.. i learned alot about myself.. like.. how much stronger i am for going thru a really really hard day by myself.. (july 29)... and the days leading up to were killin me.. too.. cuz all you can do out there is think.. its just u and the water and ur crew too.. but.. for me .. when i was on the punt way the fuck out there.. wondering where the crew was.. i was cryin cuz i knew that if i wanted to open up they woulda listened.. but i wasn't ready to talk about my daddy dyin and stuff then.. hes gone.. gone on cuz of cancer.. then my mom met someone new.. and that made her happy so that made me happy to see her living again.. he brought her back to life.. he saved her.. and for that i thanked him repeatedly.. for saving and bringing back our mom.. see when we lost my pa.. we more or less lost her too.. she was dying inside.. and jerry made that light come back.. shit.. then the ancestors had to fucking yank him away from her.. now she is where she is... i was thinking back to the day he went with theron.. into that fog rolling in.. we sat up on the shore watching him dissappear... and we both had radios and he said to my mom just so you can make sure i am ok.. so i kept it in my pocket while shopping.. shopping for her wedding dress... people were asking what the fuck i was doing when he was dying.. i was with my mom picking out her wedding dress.. i was with her.... i saw how beautiful of a bride she was gonna be.. i saw her face just light up when she put it on and realized it was the one.. i was so happy that she was happy.. and she was my mom again.. why the fuck... i dont' understand how come .. i don't see the reason... i just understand the anger and guilt i feel.. i shoulda been with him that day.. but mom wanted to go shoppin fer her dress and i thought i should be with her.. dad was like go with her.. meet us in jamestown or the next stop and climb in with us then.. go do the wedding stuff.. 4 fucking days... before the wedding.. 3 days before we lost my dad .. as i have said up there.. we lost him on the 29th of july.. i just wanna escape.. not feel the anger anymore.. or the anything... just go numb.. i almost went out and went the a dealer.. and fell of the wagon.. u know i haven't done any rails since i was 19... almost 10 years... and i almost fell off.. i look back into my heart as i was thinking ya just one rail won't hurt.. just buy enuff for one rail.. thats it... fuck it.. i refuse to give into that fucking temptation.. so ya.. lots going on.. july is going to fucking suck ass... july 26th and 29th... so close together.. then on the 30th was the day they were supposed to get married... what the fuck am i going to do... fuck i jist wanna diskappear... not deal for the moment.. my head is so full of stuff.. there was this idea i had when i was at impp.. last spring... had to do with jerry on journeys... and some of the crew from 05.. like damn.. i was lucky in 05 i didn't die.. dislocated my elbow but jammed the fuckin thing back in.. damn that hurt hardcore... this guy james was like u cryin cuz we can't see or hear wayne.. i said nope.. he said why i said cuz i hurt my elbow.. i wasn't gonna say why... they mighta sent me home if they found out.. what actually happened.. ya.. that was the harshest thing i have ever heard.. the pop and crack... shit.. ever since then i can crack it so loudly.. but later on that trip i got bitten by a spider on my side.. and cuz i had a sinus infection the cold went straight down to my bite.. cuz it was a weak spot in my body.. i was all in pain and sick and stuff.. and the skippers wife really didn't wanna take me to the hospital.. so i was JUST about to ask another canoe family to take me and she was like oh i guess i will take ya.. i was like fuck after 10 hours of being in major fucking pain and fever and shit.. so i went and the doc was like damn girl u shooda been here right after the bite.. and whatever right.. but the doc wasn't gonna let me go cuz it was a gut wound right.. looked like i was stabbed and shit.. was that deep... doc was stressed to the max.. cuz i wouldn't let them keep me.. i ended up walking out on him with my iv in my arm still.. i was still actually quite woozy.. when i went back to see the crew... hahahaha.. i was pretty high actually.. morphine and beer.. NICE mix!!! hahahaha high as a kite.. but i wasn't letting no dislocated elbow and damn spider bite or damn docs or anything stop me from goin to the states!!!!!!!!! damn it was great... rebel came back out in me i guess... i think back to that time.. and i remember looking into these eyes..and seeing the innocence.. and the knowledge he knew... almost like it was meant to be.. to show me something i am still trying to feel again.. when i felt him... so soft and smooth.. there was a tingle inside... my heart.. my soul.. was something so amazing how many people get to look into a killer whales eyes..? shit as i blabber on and on about emo stuff.. shit.. kick me!! anyway.... just a blabbing again... wutevaz