horizon
im not really sure where im headed at the moment....full of mixed emotions....just watched the season finale of er...carters last episode....kind of sad..hes been on there forever...like 11 years...since ive been watching the show...he watched a slide show which included pictures of the original cast...and then they did that thing where hes walking and you can hear the voices of others...voices of characters who left the show long before.....its just weird...i remember watching it when i was little...begging my mom to let me stay up for it....or having a tape waiting for me when i got home from skiing when i got a little bit older. back before i knew the world was a scary place. now i dont have to ask to stay up to watch my favorite show....i can stay up all nite if i want to....i could even go for a drive. hell....i can buy vodka at rite aid (gotta love california) and then go home and try and drink it straight out of the bottle (the smart move of one not well versed in alcohol...)
carters story began 11 years ago....and tonite he was writing a speach about how he felt like he grew up there...with those people. mine is slightly different...it began 5 years ago. if i had known then, where i would be now, i wonder if i would have changed anything. i dont think so.....i decided a long time ago that letting the gap kick the shit out of me was better than working anywhere else. i wonder if i still believe it.....i wonder if i ever did. why i did it...i still dont know. would i have a real job now if i hadnt devoted my life to that store? no one held a gun to my head and said...you must work full time..you must fight tooth and nail to get every promotion possible....to get where? i guess im still figuring that one out. not here...this is not where i wanted to land. sure, i needed to leave boston....i know that....my friends knew that....hell...i bet the people working at central square wendys knew that. but it was like family....we were ALWAYS there for eachother...always had eachothers backs. there was a common understanding that things get crazy...and when that happens you have to prioritize...everything is NOT going to get done. something has to be more important. i miss the understanding....there is none of that here...i spend my mornings listening to one boss telling me why the replenishment plan cant be executed...and he makes sense and im so wrapped up in 7000 units of shipment and a visit that i really could give a rats ass. and then i spend the afternoon agreeing with another boss that replen was defintely the priority...i cant take much more....that and since i overheard the office convo the other day, have the fear of god in me to do this job. i HATE that feeling....cause it makes me realize that none of us are safe. they are all out to get eachother....leave that..i want the boss man to see it. or....we could have a good running store....realize the mistake and take care of it...BUT NO...why do that if we can hang some poor soul out to dry...prolly a good employee....and oh god the markdowns....i WILL NEVER take them off the computer again. EVER even if i think i might be able to get them done and be proactive....i cant live through another morning like today....dm visit..dm likes to scan things and see if they are marked down right (and they never are.....yet when i ran markdowns before, they usually turned out ok..but why listen to me? what do i know?) and in the fiasco that was girls on tuesday, i forgot and left them at the register...to not be executed...but to be tossed. when did i realize this....when i woke up from my old navy nightmare at 3am....im losing sleep over this...NOT a good sign. im thinking its no biggie...i can print them....or not...even tried to have mary walk me through how to get them....no dice...so im left with a moral dilema....do i A) tell greg the minute he gets in and see if theres a way to fix it....the price of this....my head....right arm...and whatever other appendages he can get before i run. or B) say nothing....this has several different repercussions.....one being no one knows...and i get away unscathed...two being they find out...but i dont cop to it...again, i get away unscathed....the last being they find out it was me...i lose my head....arms...and first born child....in boston, id have told....brooke would not have shot me over that one...i would like to think shed help me find a solution...then again, we didnt really have many secrets.....even in the days of our dear friend...back when i was a sales associate...i never feared being beheaded....sure hed make me yell....piss me off...BUT we all had eachother...someone to face the day..or in this case, the wrath with. in the end i choose option b...and no one noticed...sigh of relief.....corporate dreams NOT slashed....and that terrifies me on so many levels....i need to aprise boss man of the situation...not a fun convo...well...i dont really care....honestly..after the other day. its the what ifs that get me. what if i dont get this job? it was hard enough facing my closest friends after last time....i cant do it with complete strangers....complete strangers who i dont ever envision being close friends...maybe one...or two....but not like before. i cannot have another breakdown....granted, i would save a bundle on food....(totally kidding...) not funny though and i know that. i havent really told anyone about this yet...i guess the less people i tell....the less damage control....the less of that the better....maybe they will love me...and i will be fine....positive thinking :) i CAN do this....i CAN sell myself....and learn from the mistakes of last time....i have to...or im stuck in hell....until boss man finally beats out of me why ive been so quite around them.....hmmmm...couldnt be that your office door is paper thin could it?
oh well...get over it....i had a truly awesome day....i have a visitor soon on the way!!!! i finally took care of my drivers licence....and i got 100 on the test i didnt even glance over before hand. the whole experience was kind of strange...i looked at the photo on my old licence...a girl in a gap sweater with blonde hi-lights and a purple gap sweater was staring back at me....i saw the print of the new picture...me green and purple stretch t shirts covered by the leather bomber jacket and just a hint of makeup....i look at how much has changed in the past year and look at how ive weathered the storm also makes me wonder what ill be looking back at next time i have to do that (not anytime soon i hope cause 2 afternoons at the dmv was quite enough for me for awhile).....im looking forward to wed. i got to talk to kristie and catch up forever tonite...that was cool...havent talked to her in quite awhile. and i bought vodka at rite aid,.....cant get over that one...and did i mention i have a visitor coming soon? very soon!!! but now its time for bed...and tonite i will sleep...because i am off tomorrow.
carters story began 11 years ago....and tonite he was writing a speach about how he felt like he grew up there...with those people. mine is slightly different...it began 5 years ago. if i had known then, where i would be now, i wonder if i would have changed anything. i dont think so.....i decided a long time ago that letting the gap kick the shit out of me was better than working anywhere else. i wonder if i still believe it.....i wonder if i ever did. why i did it...i still dont know. would i have a real job now if i hadnt devoted my life to that store? no one held a gun to my head and said...you must work full time..you must fight tooth and nail to get every promotion possible....to get where? i guess im still figuring that one out. not here...this is not where i wanted to land. sure, i needed to leave boston....i know that....my friends knew that....hell...i bet the people working at central square wendys knew that. but it was like family....we were ALWAYS there for eachother...always had eachothers backs. there was a common understanding that things get crazy...and when that happens you have to prioritize...everything is NOT going to get done. something has to be more important. i miss the understanding....there is none of that here...i spend my mornings listening to one boss telling me why the replenishment plan cant be executed...and he makes sense and im so wrapped up in 7000 units of shipment and a visit that i really could give a rats ass. and then i spend the afternoon agreeing with another boss that replen was defintely the priority...i cant take much more....that and since i overheard the office convo the other day, have the fear of god in me to do this job. i HATE that feeling....cause it makes me realize that none of us are safe. they are all out to get eachother....leave that..i want the boss man to see it. or....we could have a good running store....realize the mistake and take care of it...BUT NO...why do that if we can hang some poor soul out to dry...prolly a good employee....and oh god the markdowns....i WILL NEVER take them off the computer again. EVER even if i think i might be able to get them done and be proactive....i cant live through another morning like today....dm visit..dm likes to scan things and see if they are marked down right (and they never are.....yet when i ran markdowns before, they usually turned out ok..but why listen to me? what do i know?) and in the fiasco that was girls on tuesday, i forgot and left them at the register...to not be executed...but to be tossed. when did i realize this....when i woke up from my old navy nightmare at 3am....im losing sleep over this...NOT a good sign. im thinking its no biggie...i can print them....or not...even tried to have mary walk me through how to get them....no dice...so im left with a moral dilema....do i A) tell greg the minute he gets in and see if theres a way to fix it....the price of this....my head....right arm...and whatever other appendages he can get before i run. or B) say nothing....this has several different repercussions.....one being no one knows...and i get away unscathed...two being they find out...but i dont cop to it...again, i get away unscathed....the last being they find out it was me...i lose my head....arms...and first born child....in boston, id have told....brooke would not have shot me over that one...i would like to think shed help me find a solution...then again, we didnt really have many secrets.....even in the days of our dear friend...back when i was a sales associate...i never feared being beheaded....sure hed make me yell....piss me off...BUT we all had eachother...someone to face the day..or in this case, the wrath with. in the end i choose option b...and no one noticed...sigh of relief.....corporate dreams NOT slashed....and that terrifies me on so many levels....i need to aprise boss man of the situation...not a fun convo...well...i dont really care....honestly..after the other day. its the what ifs that get me. what if i dont get this job? it was hard enough facing my closest friends after last time....i cant do it with complete strangers....complete strangers who i dont ever envision being close friends...maybe one...or two....but not like before. i cannot have another breakdown....granted, i would save a bundle on food....(totally kidding...) not funny though and i know that. i havent really told anyone about this yet...i guess the less people i tell....the less damage control....the less of that the better....maybe they will love me...and i will be fine....positive thinking :) i CAN do this....i CAN sell myself....and learn from the mistakes of last time....i have to...or im stuck in hell....until boss man finally beats out of me why ive been so quite around them.....hmmmm...couldnt be that your office door is paper thin could it?
oh well...get over it....i had a truly awesome day....i have a visitor soon on the way!!!! i finally took care of my drivers licence....and i got 100 on the test i didnt even glance over before hand. the whole experience was kind of strange...i looked at the photo on my old licence...a girl in a gap sweater with blonde hi-lights and a purple gap sweater was staring back at me....i saw the print of the new picture...me green and purple stretch t shirts covered by the leather bomber jacket and just a hint of makeup....i look at how much has changed in the past year and look at how ive weathered the storm also makes me wonder what ill be looking back at next time i have to do that (not anytime soon i hope cause 2 afternoons at the dmv was quite enough for me for awhile).....im looking forward to wed. i got to talk to kristie and catch up forever tonite...that was cool...havent talked to her in quite awhile. and i bought vodka at rite aid,.....cant get over that one...and did i mention i have a visitor coming soon? very soon!!! but now its time for bed...and tonite i will sleep...because i am off tomorrow.