Bead fugs Cannes
Cannes Film Festival, grande dame of premieres and looking fabulous and getting the buzz about what's going to be the next big thing.
Let's start this with with some grace and dignity, shall we?
This, for example, is how you age gracefully:
(French actresses Monica Belluci and Sophie Marceau)
This is not:
(Comic, humanitarian and French Legion of Honor Chevalier Jerry Lewis.)
Nor is this:
(Red carpet mainstay and general perplexercator of mankind, Phoebe Price. At least she's not wearing something transparent, thank God.) Click on picture to enlarge, if you dare.
Sadly, Monica, Sophie and their director, Martina De Van did not consult with one another about what they were gonna wear. Also, Monica, has not told Sophie that Martina is one of those rare daytime vampires. You can tell she feels bad about it. I mean, hey, she's already in mourning. (You have to enlarge picture to get the awesome expressions.)
Oh look, here are judges Isabelle Huppert, Robin Wright Penn and Asia Agento!
Oh, and um, Miss Huppert looks slightly annoyed in a unique doily creation stained with coffee. Statuesque Ms. Penn looks disappointed and a wee bit washed out in a gorgeous lame' gown. Why so sad Buttercup? Is it Asia Agento's dress that looks like it was made from a psychedelic record album sleeve? Or is it her shoes, which have (though you can't quite see them here) sort of a weird bondage with kicky tassels thing going on?
Buck up, Buttercup. You are aging far better than some...like Rosanna Arquette, who seems to have come as a the personification of a gold disco ball.
And her husband as a ninja toreador. Those waves of sequins make me kinda queasy.
Quentin Tarintino needs a coupla tickets.
(Yes, I know his movie starts with "v".)
Meanwhile, an unidentified guest is about to go all Karate Kid crane kick on the paparazzi.
Hey, I can do the, you know...crane...thing, even though I can't muster up the muscle control to manage a half-convincing smile and seem oddly listless about everything. Oh, poor Phoebe, what have the years come to, that you are reduced to garnering attention through accessories? Where are the ho-dog gowns of yesteryear? It sucks getting old, I hear ya.
Devon Aoki says, "Behold my bitchface, hag, I am working my blue dress."
Fine. (note:best Phoebe Price photo evaaaaar!)
Aaaaand Paris Hilton and her boyfriend are canoodling in front of a big boat.
If the rest of us are gonna have to look at that, we're gonna need a bigger boat. To escape in.
Elsewhere, model Douzen Kroes is trying to distract from her fugly shoes by not wearing underwear. Any underwear. I do hope she won't catch a chill.
Angelina Jolie is ready for her close-up, Mr. De Mille, while Brad Pitt seems to be auditioning for Oklahoma. Hugh Jackman already beat ya to that, buddy.
Martin Scorsese has the ennui.
Two, two, anybody got two?
You need two? (Says olde Frenche rockstare Johnny Hallyday.)
Two!
Sold!
Non, hang on a minute, my date seems to be trapped in her dress and can't move. I must wait for her to come to me. I shall stand here and be aloof to her struggles, so as to encourage her.
Oh, you kids.
Actress and action star Michelle Yeoh looks fantastic absolutely fantastic in her dress...that..seems..to...be melting into tiger stripes? Which, hey, nice hollah back to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," hmm? IT'S VERY LOVELY. And, um, the black beading/print/stuff keeps the band-aid color of the dress from washing you out! ::double thumbs up::
(What? She could kick my ass. She can fly. And walk on air and shit.)
Evangeline Lily is the Perkiest!Zombie!Evar! Or she is leaning back so her boobs won't fall out of her dress.
Oh, dear, we have Beadazzler abuse! Somebody!? Oh, French Actress Sarah Marshall, you have lovely, lovely eyes. Why are you giving us sooooo much more to look at? It hurts us. Our eyes, they burn.
Actress Elizabeth Banks doesn't know what went wrong.
The color is good, the fit is good, the hair style is good (thought the color is a bit toooo yellow-gold for her complexion, I think)...the dress is generally very good....it could be the huge bracelet/gauntlets are too matchy matchy and the whole...wearing grandma's house slippers thing that is making her look stumpy. Aw. It coulda been a contenda!
Oh, oh, OH, speaking of eye-searing....
Paris, please go home. Paris' boyfriend? Please take her home and feed her a cheeseburger! Or fifty! And, um, Paris? Is that still the weird necklace you were wearing on the boat? Did..did you hot glue it to your chest, honey? Is that what happened? Your man seems upset about it. Or is it the red and black tufts of something sticking up from the back of your head...offset by your twee lavender hair bow. You're aren't six, muffin, time to give up those. And stop doing the "leaning back to keep my boobs from popping out," pose. We've seen them. I think everyone's seen them. Worldwide.
English actress Sarah Stockbridge will not be denied her moment in the sun at Cannes, even if she has to wear a chicken feed sack dress, dammit.
Johnny rockstar say, "How you doin'?"
Extreme hottie says, "No, how you doin'?"
(Actor Hrithik Roshan. Yeah, I don't care if his name is well-nigh unpronounceable.) ::stares for awhile::
I think that's it for today's (and most of the past week's) Cannes coverage. Do you have anything further to add, oh jewel of the nation?
Yeah, thought so. Stay classy, Jerry. You be the original Chevalier mal face.
Let's start this with with some grace and dignity, shall we?
This, for example, is how you age gracefully:
(French actresses Monica Belluci and Sophie Marceau)
This is not:
(Comic, humanitarian and French Legion of Honor Chevalier Jerry Lewis.)
Nor is this:
(Red carpet mainstay and general perplexercator of mankind, Phoebe Price. At least she's not wearing something transparent, thank God.) Click on picture to enlarge, if you dare.
Sadly, Monica, Sophie and their director, Martina De Van did not consult with one another about what they were gonna wear. Also, Monica, has not told Sophie that Martina is one of those rare daytime vampires. You can tell she feels bad about it. I mean, hey, she's already in mourning. (You have to enlarge picture to get the awesome expressions.)
Oh look, here are judges Isabelle Huppert, Robin Wright Penn and Asia Agento!
Oh, and um, Miss Huppert looks slightly annoyed in a unique doily creation stained with coffee. Statuesque Ms. Penn looks disappointed and a wee bit washed out in a gorgeous lame' gown. Why so sad Buttercup? Is it Asia Agento's dress that looks like it was made from a psychedelic record album sleeve? Or is it her shoes, which have (though you can't quite see them here) sort of a weird bondage with kicky tassels thing going on?
Buck up, Buttercup. You are aging far better than some...like Rosanna Arquette, who seems to have come as a the personification of a gold disco ball.
And her husband as a ninja toreador. Those waves of sequins make me kinda queasy.
Quentin Tarintino needs a coupla tickets.
(Yes, I know his movie starts with "v".)
Meanwhile, an unidentified guest is about to go all Karate Kid crane kick on the paparazzi.
Hey, I can do the, you know...crane...thing, even though I can't muster up the muscle control to manage a half-convincing smile and seem oddly listless about everything. Oh, poor Phoebe, what have the years come to, that you are reduced to garnering attention through accessories? Where are the ho-dog gowns of yesteryear? It sucks getting old, I hear ya.
Devon Aoki says, "Behold my bitchface, hag, I am working my blue dress."
Fine. (note:best Phoebe Price photo evaaaaar!)
Aaaaand Paris Hilton and her boyfriend are canoodling in front of a big boat.
If the rest of us are gonna have to look at that, we're gonna need a bigger boat. To escape in.
Elsewhere, model Douzen Kroes is trying to distract from her fugly shoes by not wearing underwear. Any underwear. I do hope she won't catch a chill.
Angelina Jolie is ready for her close-up, Mr. De Mille, while Brad Pitt seems to be auditioning for Oklahoma. Hugh Jackman already beat ya to that, buddy.
Martin Scorsese has the ennui.
Two, two, anybody got two?
You need two? (Says olde Frenche rockstare Johnny Hallyday.)
Two!
Sold!
Non, hang on a minute, my date seems to be trapped in her dress and can't move. I must wait for her to come to me. I shall stand here and be aloof to her struggles, so as to encourage her.
Oh, you kids.
Actress and action star Michelle Yeoh looks fantastic absolutely fantastic in her dress...that..seems..to...be melting into tiger stripes? Which, hey, nice hollah back to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," hmm? IT'S VERY LOVELY. And, um, the black beading/print/stuff keeps the band-aid color of the dress from washing you out! ::double thumbs up::
(What? She could kick my ass. She can fly. And walk on air and shit.)
Evangeline Lily is the Perkiest!Zombie!Evar! Or she is leaning back so her boobs won't fall out of her dress.
Oh, dear, we have Beadazzler abuse! Somebody!? Oh, French Actress Sarah Marshall, you have lovely, lovely eyes. Why are you giving us sooooo much more to look at? It hurts us. Our eyes, they burn.
Actress Elizabeth Banks doesn't know what went wrong.
The color is good, the fit is good, the hair style is good (thought the color is a bit toooo yellow-gold for her complexion, I think)...the dress is generally very good....it could be the huge bracelet/gauntlets are too matchy matchy and the whole...wearing grandma's house slippers thing that is making her look stumpy. Aw. It coulda been a contenda!
Oh, oh, OH, speaking of eye-searing....
Paris, please go home. Paris' boyfriend? Please take her home and feed her a cheeseburger! Or fifty! And, um, Paris? Is that still the weird necklace you were wearing on the boat? Did..did you hot glue it to your chest, honey? Is that what happened? Your man seems upset about it. Or is it the red and black tufts of something sticking up from the back of your head...offset by your twee lavender hair bow. You're aren't six, muffin, time to give up those. And stop doing the "leaning back to keep my boobs from popping out," pose. We've seen them. I think everyone's seen them. Worldwide.
English actress Sarah Stockbridge will not be denied her moment in the sun at Cannes, even if she has to wear a chicken feed sack dress, dammit.
Johnny rockstar say, "How you doin'?"
Extreme hottie says, "No, how you doin'?"
(Actor Hrithik Roshan. Yeah, I don't care if his name is well-nigh unpronounceable.) ::stares for awhile::
I think that's it for today's (and most of the past week's) Cannes coverage. Do you have anything further to add, oh jewel of the nation?
Yeah, thought so. Stay classy, Jerry. You be the original Chevalier mal face.