Bead Fugs The American Ballet Gala
I adore Go Fug Yourself, a fantastic fashion and snarking site, and on a stumble through the interwebs this morning, I found pictures of a gala that caused me to gasp, and not in a good way, so in case the Fug Girls miss this one, let me show you the horror....
This is what started the whole thing. I gasped with horror. Seriously, enlarge this one.
Renee, what happened, honey? Did you mess up your schedule and end up having to jump into your dress and makeup right after stumbling, exhausted, dirty and jet lagged from a transatlantic flight? Oh honey.
This is Canadian model Coco Rocah, whom I include for several reasons.....
One: she was the beginning of a teal trend for the evening. I love teal, it's one of my favorite colors and on fair skinned people, fantastic, as it is here. But. Her way too fakey red hair, y'all, *and* the dress. And the ruffles and the strange draping around the boobs - what are those? Ribcage modesty flaps? - and the off the shoulder. It all adds up a bit to Belle Watling, the brothel madam from Gone With The Wind. You know, except younger.
Two: Coco is famous for this photo shoot in which she plays Juliet to ballet dancer Roberto Bolle's Romeo and in which I am not paying much attention to Miss Rocha at all.
Three: Coco Rocha. So fun to say. Coco RochaCoco RochaCoco RochaCoco Rocha. Also Roberto Bolle comes from the Casale Monferrato of Italy, which is also fun to say.
Four: Someone in the comments at the page where I looked at all these pics (Operachic) said Coco looked like an antibellum Bratz doll. HEE.
Here is another young miss that went with the teal brothel madam look, though this time more Old West than Old South.
This dress is actually really pretty, I think, if a wee bit too fussy. Maybe its the straps *and* the ruffle. I think we should lose the bodice ruffle and maybe a couple on the skirt. And I love how Lindsay Price seems like she's just realizing that the yellow streamer tied to the dress looks like she might be festooned with crime scene tape.
Here is the most tragic brothel madam look for the evening.
Well, Linda Carter, we are wondering, woman, what the hell you were thinking. Lemme go get the lasso of truth and find out. Also? Feather boa? Really? That's a lot of look, honey. But I'm really glad you're happy. You know, even though your eye is doing that weird "my face lift is a little off" thing.
Claire Danes spots Renee Zellwiger and Linda Carter. (Enlarge, srsly.)
Renee says, "Piss off, I've been awake for 24 hours straight and the back of my dress is so heavy I have to brace my lower back.
(Interestingly enough? Carolina Herrera,who of course designed Renee's dress, also designed the yellow streamer-ed brothel madam thingy.)
Cecily Lopez ventures out into the rarely flattering underam cleavage category, along with the odd "I'm making my chest convex" pose. I think the real problem here is when she steps forward onto her too-long skirt. (What is that? A train in the front?) I don't think those back straps are gonna hold.
Singer Suzanne Vega is a lovely woman with beautiful skin. This dress does nothing for her.
I kinda want to pull on the center bow/drawstring-looking thingy to see if her dress will accordion up around her armpits.
Opera singer Renee Fleming's dress troubles me.
Not only is that a gracious nearly-making-a-break-for-it excess of I'm sure quite lovely, creamy cleavage, but I'm worried that someone will grab ahold of those pull tabs at the edges of the bodice and give them a good yank.
Fantastically beautiful ex-model and cosmetic entrepreneur Iman is going to a prom, methinks.
She is fantastically beautiful, but also 53, so I think there needs to be some sort of age limitation on foofy tulle. Also, the waist looks oddly bunchy. Hey, did I ever tell you about the friend I have whose cat ate her silk rose-bud studded-brought-all-the-way-from-Liberty's-of-London-tulle cathedral-length wedding veil two days before the wedding? That was baaaad. Tulle is dangerous for many reasons.
Journalist/TV Personality Debbie Norville heard about the teal theme for the evening and grabbed her silk bathing suit cover-up, which is torturing her boobies.
But, she's also an expert seamstress, so I'm also going to give her props for throwing it together at the last minute, because it's also pretty. You know, if she did make it. Just weirdly house-dressy somehow. I think it's the squashed matronly boobages.
Mariska Hargitay looks lovely in teal.....
but her dress also looks oddly...quilted? I'm having a feeling that those seams need to be pressed down better. Or something. Raw silk can be tricky. It seems very stiff. Also, her hair is over-straightened and looks dirty.
Kelly Ripa proves, once again, that you can be too rich, too thin and too tan.
But, brava on the excellent husband-choosing there, missy. Mark Consuelo is seriously hot. Look at that smile.
Oh, former Vogue editor Anna Wintour....
How can you look age appropriate, dowdy, slightly twee (that 50's sock-hop sweater) and cheap (the brass jewelry.) It kind of pulls together, yet also bothers me. Also, you are not Jackie O. You will never be Jackie O. Lose the sunglasses. Also, it's evening. You are also not Bono, either. And?
For goodness' sake, have a sandwich. If you gave someone a hug, you could cut them with your hipbones.
This is a gorgeous color on 20/20 reporter Deborah Roberts, who is also weatherman and celebrity chef Al Roker's wife. (He rocked a white dinner jacket and a peach silk tie.)
However, you know on the Colbert Report's Spartina production company logo when that little bitty fish that jumps out of the water and swallows an egret whole? Yeah. I'm worried that the aggressive shoulder ruffle on her dress is going to do that to her head.
Ivanka Trump looks fantastic in - yet again - teal, but quite effective and pretty and flattering teal.
Unfortunately, I think by the ever-so-slightly frozen smile on her face, she's beginning to realize her gorgeous necklace is pretty dang heavy and is going to end up giving her a neck ache by the end of the evening.
Actor Matthew Modine is telling the paparazzi to calm down.
Caridad Rivera, hissing wife, is just a water sprite who doesn't get out much and seriously, not going to eat them.
Claire Danes continues to look awesome, rock her blue dress....
....and have a really cute date, Hugh Dancy. (I've misspelled it "Darcy" three times.)
Renee says, "Oh yeah, my dress is pretty, too...
...I rock, watch me rock! So what if my hair is filthy and I didn't manage to put on a lick of jewelry. I may have to keep holding it so as to not collapse under it's weight, but MY DRESS IS PRETTY, SEE?
Mariska says, "I've found some awesome goddaughter accessories and feel so much better that my hair now has some body.
Renee says, "Oh whatevs, Special Victims Unit, I have an Oscar. And hey, look! My dress does stay up by itself! I can smile again! Now if I can kick my way through the oddly draped and poofty skirt of my PRETTY PRETTY DRESS, I'm gonna go get some food and maybe a hairbrush. Byyyyyeeee!
This is what started the whole thing. I gasped with horror. Seriously, enlarge this one.
Renee, what happened, honey? Did you mess up your schedule and end up having to jump into your dress and makeup right after stumbling, exhausted, dirty and jet lagged from a transatlantic flight? Oh honey.
This is Canadian model Coco Rocah, whom I include for several reasons.....
One: she was the beginning of a teal trend for the evening. I love teal, it's one of my favorite colors and on fair skinned people, fantastic, as it is here. But. Her way too fakey red hair, y'all, *and* the dress. And the ruffles and the strange draping around the boobs - what are those? Ribcage modesty flaps? - and the off the shoulder. It all adds up a bit to Belle Watling, the brothel madam from Gone With The Wind. You know, except younger.
Two: Coco is famous for this photo shoot in which she plays Juliet to ballet dancer Roberto Bolle's Romeo and in which I am not paying much attention to Miss Rocha at all.
Three: Coco Rocha. So fun to say. Coco RochaCoco RochaCoco RochaCoco Rocha. Also Roberto Bolle comes from the Casale Monferrato of Italy, which is also fun to say.
Four: Someone in the comments at the page where I looked at all these pics (Operachic) said Coco looked like an antibellum Bratz doll. HEE.
Here is another young miss that went with the teal brothel madam look, though this time more Old West than Old South.
This dress is actually really pretty, I think, if a wee bit too fussy. Maybe its the straps *and* the ruffle. I think we should lose the bodice ruffle and maybe a couple on the skirt. And I love how Lindsay Price seems like she's just realizing that the yellow streamer tied to the dress looks like she might be festooned with crime scene tape.
Here is the most tragic brothel madam look for the evening.
Well, Linda Carter, we are wondering, woman, what the hell you were thinking. Lemme go get the lasso of truth and find out. Also? Feather boa? Really? That's a lot of look, honey. But I'm really glad you're happy. You know, even though your eye is doing that weird "my face lift is a little off" thing.
Claire Danes spots Renee Zellwiger and Linda Carter. (Enlarge, srsly.)
Renee says, "Piss off, I've been awake for 24 hours straight and the back of my dress is so heavy I have to brace my lower back.
(Interestingly enough? Carolina Herrera,who of course designed Renee's dress, also designed the yellow streamer-ed brothel madam thingy.)
Cecily Lopez ventures out into the rarely flattering underam cleavage category, along with the odd "I'm making my chest convex" pose. I think the real problem here is when she steps forward onto her too-long skirt. (What is that? A train in the front?) I don't think those back straps are gonna hold.
Singer Suzanne Vega is a lovely woman with beautiful skin. This dress does nothing for her.
I kinda want to pull on the center bow/drawstring-looking thingy to see if her dress will accordion up around her armpits.
Opera singer Renee Fleming's dress troubles me.
Not only is that a gracious nearly-making-a-break-for-it excess of I'm sure quite lovely, creamy cleavage, but I'm worried that someone will grab ahold of those pull tabs at the edges of the bodice and give them a good yank.
Fantastically beautiful ex-model and cosmetic entrepreneur Iman is going to a prom, methinks.
She is fantastically beautiful, but also 53, so I think there needs to be some sort of age limitation on foofy tulle. Also, the waist looks oddly bunchy. Hey, did I ever tell you about the friend I have whose cat ate her silk rose-bud studded-brought-all-the-way-from-Liberty's-of-London-tulle cathedral-length wedding veil two days before the wedding? That was baaaad. Tulle is dangerous for many reasons.
Journalist/TV Personality Debbie Norville heard about the teal theme for the evening and grabbed her silk bathing suit cover-up, which is torturing her boobies.
But, she's also an expert seamstress, so I'm also going to give her props for throwing it together at the last minute, because it's also pretty. You know, if she did make it. Just weirdly house-dressy somehow. I think it's the squashed matronly boobages.
Mariska Hargitay looks lovely in teal.....
but her dress also looks oddly...quilted? I'm having a feeling that those seams need to be pressed down better. Or something. Raw silk can be tricky. It seems very stiff. Also, her hair is over-straightened and looks dirty.
Kelly Ripa proves, once again, that you can be too rich, too thin and too tan.
But, brava on the excellent husband-choosing there, missy. Mark Consuelo is seriously hot. Look at that smile.
Oh, former Vogue editor Anna Wintour....
How can you look age appropriate, dowdy, slightly twee (that 50's sock-hop sweater) and cheap (the brass jewelry.) It kind of pulls together, yet also bothers me. Also, you are not Jackie O. You will never be Jackie O. Lose the sunglasses. Also, it's evening. You are also not Bono, either. And?
For goodness' sake, have a sandwich. If you gave someone a hug, you could cut them with your hipbones.
This is a gorgeous color on 20/20 reporter Deborah Roberts, who is also weatherman and celebrity chef Al Roker's wife. (He rocked a white dinner jacket and a peach silk tie.)
However, you know on the Colbert Report's Spartina production company logo when that little bitty fish that jumps out of the water and swallows an egret whole? Yeah. I'm worried that the aggressive shoulder ruffle on her dress is going to do that to her head.
Ivanka Trump looks fantastic in - yet again - teal, but quite effective and pretty and flattering teal.
Unfortunately, I think by the ever-so-slightly frozen smile on her face, she's beginning to realize her gorgeous necklace is pretty dang heavy and is going to end up giving her a neck ache by the end of the evening.
Actor Matthew Modine is telling the paparazzi to calm down.
Caridad Rivera, hissing wife, is just a water sprite who doesn't get out much and seriously, not going to eat them.
Claire Danes continues to look awesome, rock her blue dress....
....and have a really cute date, Hugh Dancy. (I've misspelled it "Darcy" three times.)
Renee says, "Oh yeah, my dress is pretty, too...
...I rock, watch me rock! So what if my hair is filthy and I didn't manage to put on a lick of jewelry. I may have to keep holding it so as to not collapse under it's weight, but MY DRESS IS PRETTY, SEE?
Mariska says, "I've found some awesome goddaughter accessories and feel so much better that my hair now has some body.
Renee says, "Oh whatevs, Special Victims Unit, I have an Oscar. And hey, look! My dress does stay up by itself! I can smile again! Now if I can kick my way through the oddly draped and poofty skirt of my PRETTY PRETTY DRESS, I'm gonna go get some food and maybe a hairbrush. Byyyyyeeee!