One More Sad Song
remember this moment. you are happy - truly, undeniably happy for once in your life. You have great friends, friends that are more like family who sincerely LOVE you and want to be in your life forever. They are not going to slip away if you lose contact for awhile - they are here to stay. You also have an amazing family - a family who supports you and is interested in your life no matter how selfish you can be. You need to appreciate them more, you need to be there for them and not always expect them to be there for you if you don't return the favor. You need to forgive your mom completely, you need to be there emotionally for your dad, you need to take more of an interest in your little brothers' lives and be more generous.
everything seems to be going right at the moment and it is TERRIFYING. just like the silent calm in a scary movie that you know will be followed by mayhem, life feels almost too perfect right now. i am worried that any wrong step and my perfect world can come crashing down. there is a boy in sight. new job is going better than anticipated. got an internship. might have.... (at this point i stopped writing. i didn't want to jinx myself)
six weeks later...
boy in sight mentioned? gone. why, you may be wondering? all my doing, as always. i have a psychological problem, and I am being completely serious. any time a boy likes me, I automatically talk myself out of it: i'm not attracted to him enough, i can't take him seriously, i don't feel the "spark", his future doesn't look very promising, he pays too much attention to me, he doesn't pay enough. There. Is. No. Perfect. Guy. For. Me. i am toooo goddamn picky. I keep holding out thinking that he is out there, but even if he is and maybe I already met him, i have probably blown it already.
every time I see Rocky I kick myself. hard. He IS the perfect guy. WHY couldn't I see that before? I mean, obviously, I had been exposed to so few guys that I didn't really know what else was out there, but dammit, I HAD him and could have had him so many times. And I broke his heart and let him down, so many times. I don't deserve another chance with him, and he has a girlfriend as he should and here remains little old single me, stubborn and independent and impossible to pin down. gah. I will repeat it again. I have a problem. But how, HOW can I go about fixing it? I can acknowledge it, I can force myself to stick with a guy when my head is screaming at me: "get out, you don't like him!" But, would that make me happy? I don't know. Maybe I just need to grow up, be screwed over by enough guys to realize that settling down is a good thing, and not something to be scared of.
internship mentioned?
a complete joke. I am legitimately smarter than my forty-something year old "boss". I sit in an apartment for four hours each week and listen the bull shit spewing from her mouth, all the while struggling to stifle my inner grimace and desire to roll my eyes and preserve an acceptable exterior of smiling complaisance. it is exhausting, and I want to quit sooo bad and search for something better. But I don't want to be a quitter in life (which I am) and therefore, it means I need to stick with something I don't enjoy just to prove that I can do it. Maybe that will be what I get out of the internship: the ability to stick with something, despite my relenting mind telling me to give up. Perhaps it will give me discipline, maybe enough that I will be able to stick with a boy, rather than remain in a pointless search among the drunken, fickle idiots who I love as my friends, but find hard seeing as anything more than that.
and of course, it all comes back to THE BOY. WHY are our lives defined by which boy we are seeing, hooking up wtih , crushing on, going out with? Why do we only exist for boys and in relation to boys? Why is my inner happiness contingent upon whether I have a boy to like or not? Why, why, why?
everything seems to be going right at the moment and it is TERRIFYING. just like the silent calm in a scary movie that you know will be followed by mayhem, life feels almost too perfect right now. i am worried that any wrong step and my perfect world can come crashing down. there is a boy in sight. new job is going better than anticipated. got an internship. might have.... (at this point i stopped writing. i didn't want to jinx myself)
six weeks later...
boy in sight mentioned? gone. why, you may be wondering? all my doing, as always. i have a psychological problem, and I am being completely serious. any time a boy likes me, I automatically talk myself out of it: i'm not attracted to him enough, i can't take him seriously, i don't feel the "spark", his future doesn't look very promising, he pays too much attention to me, he doesn't pay enough. There. Is. No. Perfect. Guy. For. Me. i am toooo goddamn picky. I keep holding out thinking that he is out there, but even if he is and maybe I already met him, i have probably blown it already.
every time I see Rocky I kick myself. hard. He IS the perfect guy. WHY couldn't I see that before? I mean, obviously, I had been exposed to so few guys that I didn't really know what else was out there, but dammit, I HAD him and could have had him so many times. And I broke his heart and let him down, so many times. I don't deserve another chance with him, and he has a girlfriend as he should and here remains little old single me, stubborn and independent and impossible to pin down. gah. I will repeat it again. I have a problem. But how, HOW can I go about fixing it? I can acknowledge it, I can force myself to stick with a guy when my head is screaming at me: "get out, you don't like him!" But, would that make me happy? I don't know. Maybe I just need to grow up, be screwed over by enough guys to realize that settling down is a good thing, and not something to be scared of.
internship mentioned?
a complete joke. I am legitimately smarter than my forty-something year old "boss". I sit in an apartment for four hours each week and listen the bull shit spewing from her mouth, all the while struggling to stifle my inner grimace and desire to roll my eyes and preserve an acceptable exterior of smiling complaisance. it is exhausting, and I want to quit sooo bad and search for something better. But I don't want to be a quitter in life (which I am) and therefore, it means I need to stick with something I don't enjoy just to prove that I can do it. Maybe that will be what I get out of the internship: the ability to stick with something, despite my relenting mind telling me to give up. Perhaps it will give me discipline, maybe enough that I will be able to stick with a boy, rather than remain in a pointless search among the drunken, fickle idiots who I love as my friends, but find hard seeing as anything more than that.
and of course, it all comes back to THE BOY. WHY are our lives defined by which boy we are seeing, hooking up wtih , crushing on, going out with? Why do we only exist for boys and in relation to boys? Why is my inner happiness contingent upon whether I have a boy to like or not? Why, why, why?