M E = Making Excuses
"that was the devilish part of her - this coldness, this woodenness, something very profound in her, which he had felt again this morning in talking to her; an impenetrability" (mrs. dalloway 60)
"she could see what she lacked. it was not beauty; it was not mind. it was something central which permeated; something warm which broke up surfaces and rippled the cold contact of man and woman, or of women together (31).
this is how i feel about myself sometimes. almost all the time in fact. it is the source of my unhappiness, my insecurity, my hatred of myself. sometimes i feel that if was not so 'impenetrable,' so 'wooden,' and was able to break up surfaces and not appear so damn cold, i might be happier. i might have more friends. i might have a boyfriend by now or at least have experienced some form of long term relationship. but i have not. and i can not. because i can't change who i am. i have tried. i tell myself every day : "you are going to be more outgoing today" "you are going to talk to that cute boy in your class or the one standing next to you in line at the coffee shop." do I ever do what i tell myself? No, and i almost feel like it is physically impossible. this could be a justification on my part but i dont know anymore.
i envy people like jordan who have no inhibitions and just LIVE without reservations. why is it so easy for her and others to form connections and not for me? i see my shyness as my worst quality; it inhibits me from being who i want to be. it frustrates me, it makes me introspective and so harshly critical of myself that i began to hate who i am. i wish i could have a conversation with someone without worrying about appearing awkward. i wish i could approach a boy without alcohol in my system. i wish i could actually allow myself to like someone without coming up with a million reasons why it wouldn't work. i wish i wasn't so hard on myself. i wish i didn't think so much. i wish i was confident. i wish i could accept myself like my family and friends have. i wish i could see the good qualities in me that other people swear are there and i don't believe them.
sometimes i wonder why anyone is friends with me, why any boy would ever like me. i feel so dull, so uninteresting sometimes. i feel like there are so many other more interesting and fun girls out there and that fact makes me feel like SHIT. those are the times when i am most down - when i see all the bad in me and not a speck of good and resent myself. i wouldn't consider myself a depressed person - just dissatisfied.
life can be so empty, so hollow, so meaningless. the only way i can justify my crippling introspection is the fact that at least i am DEEP enough and have the ability to recognize the hollow pageantry of life at times. don't get me wrong; hollowness is fun. it makes me happy. and by hollowness i mean drinking, partying, getting stupid just for fun.
"wondering how i could get so deep, and you could still get sleep"
i can get deep. i am deep. that is a part of being an english major, a writer - analysis is engrained into your very being. that is what i do : i analyze everything. other people, books, song lyrics, movies, but mostly, myself. its both a vice and a virtue i feel. sure it may make me hate myself at times, but at least i KNOW myself. i feel like people that live life in a whirlwind of partying and hanging out with this person and that person and never taking the time to be alone with their own thoughts do not truly know who they are. their life is defined by other people, they DEPEND on others to exist. if everyone in their life suddenly disappeared, they could not survive because they would not know who they are or what to do. i know who i am. i am independent. i can survive on my own. that is me. and that's something to be proud of.