Boots, Hats and Spurs 5/5
Title: Boots, Hats and Spurs 5/5
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Not mine to tame, but I'm gonna try to ride 'em anyway. :)
Summary: You can't ever go home again. Ever.
Warning: Angst. I strongly suggest you have tissues handy.
Chapter 5:
this is where my grandma lives, and where i was while i wrote this fic
Junsu came back to the porch, arms crossed. "So what's the plan? I told Steph that you were staying at the hotel in town and she almost bit my head off. She's downstairs putting clean sheets on the bed in the guestroom."
"Thanks," Jae said.
"Are you staying for lunch?"
Jae met Yoochun's eyes. He could see the thinly veiled begging, so Yoochun cleared his throat. "They're going to come over and say hi to Crissy, so we'll feed them."
Junsu nodded. "Well, see you for dinner then. Do you want to join us, Chunnie?"
"I'll ask Crissy if she has plans."
"Okay."
And Junsu went back inside.
"Guess you're coming to my house," Yoochun said.
"Where do your parents live now?" Jae asked.
"They moved next door to your folks about three years ago. Dad broke his leg and never really recovered from it."
They walked down the stairs. Yoochun stared in the direction he'd last seen Hana. He put his tongue on the roof of his mouth and whistled loudly.
"Shit," Changmin said and rubbed his ear.
"Oh, sorry," Yoochun said as Hana appeared running.
"Trained like a dog."
"Hey with as much land as she could be on, it’s good to have a system."
"Do we really hafta go?" Hana said with a pout.
"Yes, but Jaejoong and Changmin are coming with us?"
"Really?" she said and attached herself to Jaejoong's hand, and pulled him around the house. "Are you going to ride with us?"
"Ride?" Changmin said.
"We rode here. Horses, see? That's Baby, and that's Lightning. Lightning is my Daddy's horse. No one else can ride him because he's a picky bastard."
"Hana!"
"That's what Momma said!"
Jae and Changmin chuckled. Jae stepped up to Lightning, hand out.
"Um, Jae," Yoochun said.
Jae shushed him.
Lightning sniffed Jae's hand, and then snorted, like Jae was less than dirt.
"You're not picky, Lightning,” Jae said. “You just know what you want. And Yoochun is definitely the best. But, I'm prettier than he is."
To Yoochun's utter amazement, Lightning butted Jae's hand and nudged forward a bit. And then Jae raised his other hand and scratched behind Lightning's ears. "Why do they call you Lightning anyway?”
"He was born during a storm. It was a tough birth for the mother. Lightning struck a tree nearby and we had to leave the mare alone to go put out the fire, but when we came back, he was fine, she was dead, and I'm the only one he let feed him."
Jae nodded. He met Yoochun's eyes and said, "Good things always happen during storms."
Yoochun looked away, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. Jae moved to Lightning's side. He put his foot in the stirrup and swung up into the saddle like he'd been doing it for years. Lightning shied, but didn't buck and Jae kept a hold on the reins, leaning forward, whispering to the horse. The fire in his eyes died, his ears perked up, and then Jae smiled at Yoochun.
"You coulda been a great horseman, city boy," Yoochun said.
Jae laughed. "Come on, Changmin. I promised you a ride while we were here, didn't I?"
"This is not what I had in mind," he muttered, eyeing Lightning.
Lightning moved away from him with a high, warning whinny. Front feet lifting off the ground.
"Looks like you are going to ride Baby," Yoochun said with a laugh.
"What about you?"
"I'll ride with Jae."
"I want to ride with Uncle Jaejoong," Hana said with a pout.
"Lightning isn't going to let you."
"I know."
Changmin looked nervous. "I think I'll drive."
"Don't be a pus-"
"Jae." Yoochun said in warning.
"Um, don't be scared, Minnie. Baby is really calm. She won't buck you off."
"How do I get on this thing?"
Trying not to laugh, Yoochun moved next to the horse. He showed Changmin how to mount twice.
"God, Min, you've jumped out of an airplane before. Don't be such a wimp."
Changmin swallowed again, but hooked his foot in the stirrup and pulled up. He missed the first try and almost fell on his ass. Jae laughed at him. He managed the second time. Yoochun lifted Hana up with him.
She looked unhappy that it wasn't Jaejoong, then Changmin said, "My life is in your hands, cowgirl. Don't let this thing kill me."
She giggled. "It’s just a horse." And just like that they were friends. Hana nudged Baby to go and she started teaching Changmin how to ride.
Yoochun looked up at Jae.
"You gonna ride with me, cowboy?" Jae asked.
Yoochun nodded. Jae held out his hand, and Yoochun used it to help swing up onto Lightning's back, behind the saddle.
"We don't both fit in the saddle anymore," Jae whispered.
Before Yoochun could reply, Jae nudged Lightning in the side and they jerked forward. Yoochun grabbed onto Jae's hips to keep from sliding off.
Jae made no effort to catch up with the other two. When Yoochun moved his hands to grip the saddle instead, Jae let out a whine of disappointment and leaned back. Yoochun had no choice but to let him, but he kept his hands on the saddle. They ended up with shoulders pressed together, and Jae almost laying his head on Yoochun’s.
"Miss me?"
Yoochun sighed, and didn't answer.
Jae scoffed. "Asshole."
"Yes, of course, I missed you."
"Past tense?"
He shrugged. "It’s been ten years."
Jae sighed. "Are you happy?"
"Yes. Are you?"
Jae shrugged. "I'm rich. I never have to work again in my life. I'm beautiful, people beg me to have sex with them. I own a Spanish villa in Amsterdam, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who even if he's a bastard, keeps me from getting too cocky-"
Yoochun scoffed.
"-so yeah. I guess. Does that equate happiness?"
"Not to me, but maybe for you. Did you do everything you left for?"
"I can't remember why I left."
Yoochun didn't reply to that. Instead he asked, "Why the sudden visit?"
"Changmin wants to move to LA. I told him I wasn't going back to the States unless it was to visit my family, so we compromised. A week or so here, and then I'd go to LA with him to look at houses."
"Yoohwan lives in LA."
"Really?"
"Yeah, he's a researcher at an aquarium."
"Cool."
"You don't want to move to LA?"
"It's more that I don't want to move with Changmin," Jae said, voice dropping to a lower whisper. "I care for him and all, but I'm kind of bored. Time for the next thing. Well, not yet, but soon."
"What's the next thing?"
Jae shrugged, and they rode in silence. Hana’s excited chatter traveled back to them, but they were too far away to understand.
"There are houses here," Jae said in surprise. “Isn’t this your property?”
"No. After Dad broke his leg, we couldn't work all the land and the medical bills were high, so he had to sell. People bought and built. It’s nice having neighbors, and most have kids Hana's age. I have a hundred acres. Only four horses."
"That's it?"
Yoochun nodded and sighed. "Crissy wants to move to the city."
Jae twisted and stared at him. “You, in the city? Is she crazy?”
"I know."
"And?"
Yoochun shrugged. "I don't want to go."
"Well, duh."
Yoochun smiled. "She knows that. We don't fight about it or anything, but we don't talk about it either."
"Huh." He turned back around.
They rode in silence for a little while, and then Yoochun cleared his throat. "I still have your shoes."
Jae smiled. "Someone threw up on your jacket, so I tossed that. I wear these boots all the time."
Yoochun took a really deep breath. He cast one more look at his daughter and Changmin, and then moved one hand, sliding it along Jae's lower back. Holding his breath, he tugged on the sweater until he touched skin. Jae's breath hitched. Yoochun pressed his lips against the back of Jae's neck. Jae moaned, low in his throat.
"I miss you," Yoochun whispered, "but I love my family, and Crissy would never forgive me. I would never forgive me. I-I want you, Jaejoong. More than anything, but I can’t. I can’t."
Jae gasped. "I-I never should have left you."
"You'd have been miserable."
"I'm miserable now, at least then I would have had you." Jae reached a hand back and gripped Yoochun’s fingers.
Yoochun kept his head leaning against Jae's, his lips skimming his skin on his neck. "Jae, you know I love you, right? More than Crissy, more than anything but my children."
"I know. I love you, too."
“But, this … I-“
"Daddy! Why are you going so slow?"
Yoochun sighed. "I guess we'll talk later."
"Barn at midnight?"
"Jae-"
"When else are we going to talk?"
Yoochun nodded. "Okay."
"Uncle Joongie!"
"We're coming, little cowgirl. Wait for us."
They stopped, both turning around as Jae and Yoochun caught up. Changmin was frowning, eyes slightly narrowed.
"Daddy! Changmin can fly planes!"
"Really?"
"Yep, he's a pilot."
"Cool."
Yoochun spent the rest of the ride asking about Changmin's tourism business. Maybe if he got to know the man a bit, he'd be less likely to succumb to the temptation that Jaejoong offered. They went to the stables. Hana was still in 'teacher mode' and made Changmin rub Baby down. To Yoochun's amazement, Lightning let Jaejoong brush him, and even didn't kick when Jae inspected his shoes.
Crissy met them on the front porch, Jacob's hand clutched tightly in hers.
"Hi Crissy," Jaejoong said and kissed her cheek.
"Dang, Jaejoong. You look like you're still in high school. Have you discovered the fountain of youth or something? Look at that skin."
Jae smiled. "Well, you look like Yoochun spoils you rotten."
Crissy smiled. "He does."
Jae held his hand out for Changmin. "This is Changmin."
"It's nice to meet you," he said with a bow and he kissed the back of her hand.
“You two, and he is-” She trailed off.
Jae nodded. “Yep.”
“Huh. Can’t say I’m surprised,” she said.
“That’s what Junsu said.”
Jaejoong crouched down. Jacob hid his face against Crissy's leg. "Howdy."
He looked over at him, brown eyes wide, a finger in his mouth.
Jae smiled. "You are going to be a heart breaker, little man."
Jacob giggled and then hid completely behind Crissy. Jaejoong stood back up.
"Lunch is almost ready," Crissy said. "Potatoes are baking."
"Uncle Jaejae, come see my room," Hana said and dragged Jae into the house.
"Boots, cowgirl,” Yoochun said.
"I know. We have to take our boots off," she said to Jae. "Daddy says boots are for outdoors."
"Your daddy is smart."
"He's the best daddy in the whole country."
Yoochun's throat closed.
“You okay?" Crissy asked.
"Yeah," he replied. "It's just ... Jaejoong."
|_K_|
Yoochun sat at the kitchen table. Only the light above the sink was on. He had his face in his hands, confusion in his heart.
It was eleven forty five.
"Yoochun."
He jerked up, trying to calm the anguish in his face.
"Yoochun," Crissy said again this time with concern.
"I'm okay."
"Liar."
"Yeah."
"You want to talk about it?"
He shook his head.
She frowned. "I know you, not as well as he does, but this is about Jaejoong, isn't it?"
Yoochun nodded. "It's hard to see him. Sometimes I feel like he abandoned me, but he asked me to go with him and I didn't, so did I abandon him?"
"Were you two more than friends?" she asked carefully.
He smiled wryly and she looked away.
"The girls and I always wondered."
"He was my other half, Crissy. Lovers? No." He was so glad he said that without his voice shaking. "Just... then, I would have done anything for him, but when it came down to it, I was too ..."
"Scared?"
"No. We wanted different things." He stood up and kissed her cheek. "I'm getting claustrophobic. I'm going to go take a walk."
"Please don't be out too late. You haven't slept well for the last few nights."
"I know. I'm sorry to worry you." He touched her cheek. "Please don't wait up for me. It's no good if we both are exhausted tomorrow."
Yoochun walked under the stars. The moon was bright. He tried to convince himself that he wasn't going to the old barn but his feet were connected to his heart instead of his brain. In the distance he saw a light flicker and die, flicker and die. It took him a moment to realize it was Jae's lighter. He walked faster, pulled toward him, again his heart overriding his brain.
He didn't wait for Jae to say anything, pinning Jae to the side of the bar with his hips and his lips. Jae grunted in surprise when his head slammed against the old wood. Yoochun settled his hands on Jae's hips, readjusting until their bodies fit together once again. Their lips molded, tongues pushing, demanding together.
Yoochun whimpered because only Jae could kiss him like this. Only Jae could turn his insides to goo and then set them on fire until his blood felt like it was bubbling. He made another noise, anguish, pain, hurt and yanked himself away from Jaejoong.
Two steps, and then he fell to his knees, crying out, face in his hands. Jae was there in a moment, arms around his shoulders.
"I'm so sorry, Yoochun," Jae whispered. "Please, I-"
Yoochun growled, twisted and pinned Jae beneath him. Jae's breath came out in a whoosh. Their bodies fit together again.
"God damn it, Jae," Yoochun practically shouted, and slammed Jae's shoulders to the ground.
"Ow, fucker."
Yoochun sat back on his knees, so their crotches were no longer pushed together. But he couldn't look at Jae, and he stared at the sky, looking for constellations among the many stars.
Jae's hands rubbed up and down his thighs.
Yoochun's eyes shut. "All I can hear is my little girl telling you that I'm the best daddy in the whole country, and all I want to do is rip off your clothes and cheat on my wife and fuck--"
Yoochun stood up with an aggravated yell. He went to the barn and punched the old siding, ignoring the pain, and then there were arms around him again, holding, keeping him secure. He turned in the embrace and kissed Jaejoong again.
Jae pulled away. "Stop it, just stop it."
"Stop what?"
"Stop torturing yourself. I did not come here to throw your life out of whack, alright?"
"Then why the fuck-"
"I came to visit you, to see my family, to... to... okay so fine, I came to see if you still wanted me. Damn it, Yoochun, I had every intention of seducing you until I met your little girl. She means the world to you, and a fling with you isn't worth losing that."
"Now I'm a fling?"
Jae shut his eyes with a sigh. "Of course not. You're my world, Chunnie."
Yoochun kissed him again, soft, comfortable and Jae moaned and melded into his body.
"God, only you can kiss me like that, Chunnie, so I lose sense of everything else."
Yoochun pressed their foreheads together. "Same here.”
They held each other, arms around waists, eyes locked.
"I did something stupid," Jae said.
"What this time?"
Jae pushed him away and pulled off his t-shirt. He took his lighter and flicked up a flame, holding it so the light danced over the muscles of his chest. On his pec muscle, where Yoochun had marked him ten years ago, was a tattoo in simple script: love will never fade
Yoochun stared at it. Read it and re-read it even after Jae extinguished the flame. He reached out, shaking and then shivering when his hand met the heat of Jae's skin. He traced over the letters. And then he met Jae's eyes and swallowed.
He unbuttoned his shirt. "You actually broke my skin that night," he whispered. "Just a little bit."
Using the fingers of one hand, he found the tiny scar, and then took Jae's hand with his other. He directed the tip of Jae's finger to the scar. Jae caressed it, back and forth, with his finger and then with his nail.
"I was stupid," Jae said. "I was running all over the world looking for who I belonged to when that person was here the whole time. And now I've lost you. Lost my chance to be insanely and utterly happy."
"Jae-"
"What, Yoochun? What? I fucked up, and I'm sorry. But you're happy. I know you are. I can see it in your eyes, in your smile, in the way you look at your wife and children. I can't break that apart. It could have been mine. But-"
"You did not fuck up," Yoochun said. “You would have been miserable here."
"But you would have made the misery worth it. You always did. Always."
Hands still on each others chests, Yoochun kissed him again. Salty tears mingled with their lips.
"Would you understand if I said I never wanted to see you again?"
Yoochun nodded. "Yes."
Jae tried to bite back a sob, and Yoochun hugged him close, his face buried in Yoochun's shoulder.
"I want you one more time," Jae said. "Just one more, because I'm starting to forget what your skin tastes like and I don't want to forget." And then his tongue darted out and he licked Yoochun's nipple. Fingers brushed over his other nipple.
Yoochun gasped. "Please, Jae, I can't do this."
"Then let me do it."
Yoochun held him away by his shoulders. Stared at the pain and pleading in Jae's eyes, and his heart broke, his resolve crumbled. He had let Jae down ten years ago, choosing what he wanted over Jae.
Selfish.
And now, as his wife and kids slept in their home, he was going to be selfish again. It was what Jae needed, needed to let go and move on, but Yoochun just wanted it. He wanted the feel of Jae around him, holding him.
Yoochun kissed him, fast and needy, fingers fighting with the buttons on Jae's jeans. Jae whimpered as he tried to kick the boots off, and only seconds later, he was naked. Yoochun grabbed his cock and stroked hard and fast. Jae opened his mouth to cry out, but it was muffled as Yoochun shoved two fingers into his mouth. Jae moaned, deep, wanting, and sucked on the fingers.
With his other hand, Yoochun unbuckled his belt and undid his pants. He ripped his fingers from Jae's mouth and spun him around. He only gave Je enough time to put his hand on the wall and then he pushed both fingers into him at once.
Jae screamed, head tilting back. Yoochun pressed close. He closed his mouth at that juncture between neck and shoulder and bit down. Jae moaned and snapped his hips back on Yoochun's fingers. Yoochun trailed his hand around Jae's chest and then down his stomach. He grabbed Jae's cock again and stroked him.
"Fuck, Yoochun. God, this-"
"Shut up, Jae, please."
Jaejoong nodded and went back to incoherent moans. After a few more moments, Jae's cock pulsed and his body tightened around his fingers.
"Fuck! Chunnie, fuck!" Jae came, and Yoochun twisted his hand to catch most of it in his palm.
While Jae tried to steady his breathing, Yoochun kicked off his boots and pants. He lowered them to the ground, with him on the bottom. Jae would never forgive him for getting dirt in his hair.
Yoochun covered his cock with Jae's come. Jae was still shaking, but he managed to stay up, straddling Yoochun. Yoochun held his cock and shifted Jae's pliable body until he was poised to enter him. He could feel Jae's channel clenching, begging. And so he thrust up, hard and pushed Jae's hips down at the same time. They both cried out and then Yoochun was thrusting up, knees bent holding Jae were he wanted him.
It was hard and fast and Yoochun didn't dare blink. He wanted to remember this. Remember every facial expression, every twist of Jae's mouth. Every touch, feel and noise. Jae put his hands flat on Yoochun's chest and lifted himself up, suddenly taking over the movements.
"God, Jae. Faster."
Jae swallowed. “I wanted this slow," he said, voice cracking. "Like last time, not a quick dirty fuck on the ground."
"I wanted you forever, so we're both disappointed."
Tear tracks sparkled on both of their cheeks in the moonlight.
"I hate what you do to me," Jae said. "I hate it."
"Me, too."
Jae screamed in frustration and sped up. Yoochun reached between them and grabbed Jae's cock, tugging on it harshly. His orgasm shot through him, sudden violent, just like their sex, and he came, filling Jae up. His eyes shut with a groan as Jae's body tightened around him, but he kept moving, never wanting it to end, never wanting to leave this man's body.
Jae's body jerked and he stopped, Yoochun's cock buried deep. Yoochun stroked faster as Jae's breath faltered. His cock jerked, and then come arched over Yoochun and splattered on his chest.
Jae immediately collapsed, crying, screaming into Yoochun's shoulder, hitting his chest over and over.
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."
Yoochun held him close and rocked him, kissing his head.
When Jae sat up, Yoochun wanted to look away from the hurt in those eyes.
"I want to ask you again to come with me. But I know you won't. And... and you'd hate me for it, because you would. You would be stupid, and you would leave your wife and you would come and be miserable just to be with me. I know you would because I would to. Just tell me to stay, Yoochun, and I promise, this time I will. But you know I will and you know I will be miserable, so just like last time we're going to leave this place without each other and-oh, god, I'm going to lose you, I'm never going to see you again and--"
He broke off with a cry. When Yoochun tried to hold him he pushed away. He whimpered in anguish when Yoochun slipped out of his body. He crawled away, found his clothes and started dressing. Yoochun slowly stood up and did the same. Jae was walking away before Yoochun finished.
"Jae!"
"Don’t, Chunnie. I- I shouldn't have come and we shouldn't have and--fuck."
Yoochun shoved his foot in his boot and ran after him.
"No," Yoochun growled and spun him around. "I don't care how much this hurts, but damn it Jaejoong, I love you. And if you want to disappear from my life forever, then fine, do it, but not without you knowing that I love you."
Jae’s eyes shut, more tears falling. "I'm so sorry, Yoochun."
"Me, too."
"I do love you."
"I know. I love you. Forever."
Jae put his hand to Yoochun's chest. Yoochun did the same and pressed their foreheads together again.
Jae choked back a sob, kissed Yoochun quickly and then turned and ran away in the dark.
Yoochun let him go. He went back to the barn and leaned against the side. He cried, silently, remembering the feel and taste of Jaejoong. Angrily, he pushed away from the wall. His boot kicked something ahead of him. He bent down and picked up Jae’s lighter. It was red. He flicked the flame once, and then put it in his shirt pocket. With one more sigh, he headed back to his house.
Epilogue: Everything Changes
Chapter 4: Old Friends
Chapter 3: Kiss Goodbye
Chapter 2: Not Here
Chapter 1: Coming Home
.
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaejoong
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Not mine to tame, but I'm gonna try to ride 'em anyway. :)
Summary: You can't ever go home again. Ever.
Warning: Angst. I strongly suggest you have tissues handy.
Chapter 5:
this is where my grandma lives, and where i was while i wrote this fic
Click to viewJunsu came back to the porch, arms crossed. "So what's the plan? I told Steph that you were staying at the hotel in town and she almost bit my head off. She's downstairs putting clean sheets on the bed in the guestroom."
"Thanks," Jae said.
"Are you staying for lunch?"
Jae met Yoochun's eyes. He could see the thinly veiled begging, so Yoochun cleared his throat. "They're going to come over and say hi to Crissy, so we'll feed them."
Junsu nodded. "Well, see you for dinner then. Do you want to join us, Chunnie?"
"I'll ask Crissy if she has plans."
"Okay."
And Junsu went back inside.
"Guess you're coming to my house," Yoochun said.
"Where do your parents live now?" Jae asked.
"They moved next door to your folks about three years ago. Dad broke his leg and never really recovered from it."
They walked down the stairs. Yoochun stared in the direction he'd last seen Hana. He put his tongue on the roof of his mouth and whistled loudly.
"Shit," Changmin said and rubbed his ear.
"Oh, sorry," Yoochun said as Hana appeared running.
"Trained like a dog."
"Hey with as much land as she could be on, it’s good to have a system."
"Do we really hafta go?" Hana said with a pout.
"Yes, but Jaejoong and Changmin are coming with us?"
"Really?" she said and attached herself to Jaejoong's hand, and pulled him around the house. "Are you going to ride with us?"
"Ride?" Changmin said.
"We rode here. Horses, see? That's Baby, and that's Lightning. Lightning is my Daddy's horse. No one else can ride him because he's a picky bastard."
"Hana!"
"That's what Momma said!"
Jae and Changmin chuckled. Jae stepped up to Lightning, hand out.
"Um, Jae," Yoochun said.
Jae shushed him.
Lightning sniffed Jae's hand, and then snorted, like Jae was less than dirt.
"You're not picky, Lightning,” Jae said. “You just know what you want. And Yoochun is definitely the best. But, I'm prettier than he is."
To Yoochun's utter amazement, Lightning butted Jae's hand and nudged forward a bit. And then Jae raised his other hand and scratched behind Lightning's ears. "Why do they call you Lightning anyway?”
"He was born during a storm. It was a tough birth for the mother. Lightning struck a tree nearby and we had to leave the mare alone to go put out the fire, but when we came back, he was fine, she was dead, and I'm the only one he let feed him."
Jae nodded. He met Yoochun's eyes and said, "Good things always happen during storms."
Yoochun looked away, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. Jae moved to Lightning's side. He put his foot in the stirrup and swung up into the saddle like he'd been doing it for years. Lightning shied, but didn't buck and Jae kept a hold on the reins, leaning forward, whispering to the horse. The fire in his eyes died, his ears perked up, and then Jae smiled at Yoochun.
"You coulda been a great horseman, city boy," Yoochun said.
Jae laughed. "Come on, Changmin. I promised you a ride while we were here, didn't I?"
"This is not what I had in mind," he muttered, eyeing Lightning.
Lightning moved away from him with a high, warning whinny. Front feet lifting off the ground.
"Looks like you are going to ride Baby," Yoochun said with a laugh.
"What about you?"
"I'll ride with Jae."
"I want to ride with Uncle Jaejoong," Hana said with a pout.
"Lightning isn't going to let you."
"I know."
Changmin looked nervous. "I think I'll drive."
"Don't be a pus-"
"Jae." Yoochun said in warning.
"Um, don't be scared, Minnie. Baby is really calm. She won't buck you off."
"How do I get on this thing?"
Trying not to laugh, Yoochun moved next to the horse. He showed Changmin how to mount twice.
"God, Min, you've jumped out of an airplane before. Don't be such a wimp."
Changmin swallowed again, but hooked his foot in the stirrup and pulled up. He missed the first try and almost fell on his ass. Jae laughed at him. He managed the second time. Yoochun lifted Hana up with him.
She looked unhappy that it wasn't Jaejoong, then Changmin said, "My life is in your hands, cowgirl. Don't let this thing kill me."
She giggled. "It’s just a horse." And just like that they were friends. Hana nudged Baby to go and she started teaching Changmin how to ride.
Yoochun looked up at Jae.
"You gonna ride with me, cowboy?" Jae asked.
Yoochun nodded. Jae held out his hand, and Yoochun used it to help swing up onto Lightning's back, behind the saddle.
"We don't both fit in the saddle anymore," Jae whispered.
Before Yoochun could reply, Jae nudged Lightning in the side and they jerked forward. Yoochun grabbed onto Jae's hips to keep from sliding off.
Jae made no effort to catch up with the other two. When Yoochun moved his hands to grip the saddle instead, Jae let out a whine of disappointment and leaned back. Yoochun had no choice but to let him, but he kept his hands on the saddle. They ended up with shoulders pressed together, and Jae almost laying his head on Yoochun’s.
"Miss me?"
Yoochun sighed, and didn't answer.
Jae scoffed. "Asshole."
"Yes, of course, I missed you."
"Past tense?"
He shrugged. "It’s been ten years."
Jae sighed. "Are you happy?"
"Yes. Are you?"
Jae shrugged. "I'm rich. I never have to work again in my life. I'm beautiful, people beg me to have sex with them. I own a Spanish villa in Amsterdam, I have a gorgeous boyfriend who even if he's a bastard, keeps me from getting too cocky-"
Yoochun scoffed.
"-so yeah. I guess. Does that equate happiness?"
"Not to me, but maybe for you. Did you do everything you left for?"
"I can't remember why I left."
Yoochun didn't reply to that. Instead he asked, "Why the sudden visit?"
"Changmin wants to move to LA. I told him I wasn't going back to the States unless it was to visit my family, so we compromised. A week or so here, and then I'd go to LA with him to look at houses."
"Yoohwan lives in LA."
"Really?"
"Yeah, he's a researcher at an aquarium."
"Cool."
"You don't want to move to LA?"
"It's more that I don't want to move with Changmin," Jae said, voice dropping to a lower whisper. "I care for him and all, but I'm kind of bored. Time for the next thing. Well, not yet, but soon."
"What's the next thing?"
Jae shrugged, and they rode in silence. Hana’s excited chatter traveled back to them, but they were too far away to understand.
"There are houses here," Jae said in surprise. “Isn’t this your property?”
"No. After Dad broke his leg, we couldn't work all the land and the medical bills were high, so he had to sell. People bought and built. It’s nice having neighbors, and most have kids Hana's age. I have a hundred acres. Only four horses."
"That's it?"
Yoochun nodded and sighed. "Crissy wants to move to the city."
Jae twisted and stared at him. “You, in the city? Is she crazy?”
"I know."
"And?"
Yoochun shrugged. "I don't want to go."
"Well, duh."
Yoochun smiled. "She knows that. We don't fight about it or anything, but we don't talk about it either."
"Huh." He turned back around.
They rode in silence for a little while, and then Yoochun cleared his throat. "I still have your shoes."
Jae smiled. "Someone threw up on your jacket, so I tossed that. I wear these boots all the time."
Yoochun took a really deep breath. He cast one more look at his daughter and Changmin, and then moved one hand, sliding it along Jae's lower back. Holding his breath, he tugged on the sweater until he touched skin. Jae's breath hitched. Yoochun pressed his lips against the back of Jae's neck. Jae moaned, low in his throat.
"I miss you," Yoochun whispered, "but I love my family, and Crissy would never forgive me. I would never forgive me. I-I want you, Jaejoong. More than anything, but I can’t. I can’t."
Jae gasped. "I-I never should have left you."
"You'd have been miserable."
"I'm miserable now, at least then I would have had you." Jae reached a hand back and gripped Yoochun’s fingers.
Yoochun kept his head leaning against Jae's, his lips skimming his skin on his neck. "Jae, you know I love you, right? More than Crissy, more than anything but my children."
"I know. I love you, too."
“But, this … I-“
"Daddy! Why are you going so slow?"
Yoochun sighed. "I guess we'll talk later."
"Barn at midnight?"
"Jae-"
"When else are we going to talk?"
Yoochun nodded. "Okay."
"Uncle Joongie!"
"We're coming, little cowgirl. Wait for us."
They stopped, both turning around as Jae and Yoochun caught up. Changmin was frowning, eyes slightly narrowed.
"Daddy! Changmin can fly planes!"
"Really?"
"Yep, he's a pilot."
"Cool."
Yoochun spent the rest of the ride asking about Changmin's tourism business. Maybe if he got to know the man a bit, he'd be less likely to succumb to the temptation that Jaejoong offered. They went to the stables. Hana was still in 'teacher mode' and made Changmin rub Baby down. To Yoochun's amazement, Lightning let Jaejoong brush him, and even didn't kick when Jae inspected his shoes.
Crissy met them on the front porch, Jacob's hand clutched tightly in hers.
"Hi Crissy," Jaejoong said and kissed her cheek.
"Dang, Jaejoong. You look like you're still in high school. Have you discovered the fountain of youth or something? Look at that skin."
Jae smiled. "Well, you look like Yoochun spoils you rotten."
Crissy smiled. "He does."
Jae held his hand out for Changmin. "This is Changmin."
"It's nice to meet you," he said with a bow and he kissed the back of her hand.
“You two, and he is-” She trailed off.
Jae nodded. “Yep.”
“Huh. Can’t say I’m surprised,” she said.
“That’s what Junsu said.”
Jaejoong crouched down. Jacob hid his face against Crissy's leg. "Howdy."
He looked over at him, brown eyes wide, a finger in his mouth.
Jae smiled. "You are going to be a heart breaker, little man."
Jacob giggled and then hid completely behind Crissy. Jaejoong stood back up.
"Lunch is almost ready," Crissy said. "Potatoes are baking."
"Uncle Jaejae, come see my room," Hana said and dragged Jae into the house.
"Boots, cowgirl,” Yoochun said.
"I know. We have to take our boots off," she said to Jae. "Daddy says boots are for outdoors."
"Your daddy is smart."
"He's the best daddy in the whole country."
Yoochun's throat closed.
“You okay?" Crissy asked.
"Yeah," he replied. "It's just ... Jaejoong."
|_K_|
Yoochun sat at the kitchen table. Only the light above the sink was on. He had his face in his hands, confusion in his heart.
It was eleven forty five.
"Yoochun."
He jerked up, trying to calm the anguish in his face.
"Yoochun," Crissy said again this time with concern.
"I'm okay."
"Liar."
"Yeah."
"You want to talk about it?"
He shook his head.
She frowned. "I know you, not as well as he does, but this is about Jaejoong, isn't it?"
Yoochun nodded. "It's hard to see him. Sometimes I feel like he abandoned me, but he asked me to go with him and I didn't, so did I abandon him?"
"Were you two more than friends?" she asked carefully.
He smiled wryly and she looked away.
"The girls and I always wondered."
"He was my other half, Crissy. Lovers? No." He was so glad he said that without his voice shaking. "Just... then, I would have done anything for him, but when it came down to it, I was too ..."
"Scared?"
"No. We wanted different things." He stood up and kissed her cheek. "I'm getting claustrophobic. I'm going to go take a walk."
"Please don't be out too late. You haven't slept well for the last few nights."
"I know. I'm sorry to worry you." He touched her cheek. "Please don't wait up for me. It's no good if we both are exhausted tomorrow."
Yoochun walked under the stars. The moon was bright. He tried to convince himself that he wasn't going to the old barn but his feet were connected to his heart instead of his brain. In the distance he saw a light flicker and die, flicker and die. It took him a moment to realize it was Jae's lighter. He walked faster, pulled toward him, again his heart overriding his brain.
He didn't wait for Jae to say anything, pinning Jae to the side of the bar with his hips and his lips. Jae grunted in surprise when his head slammed against the old wood. Yoochun settled his hands on Jae's hips, readjusting until their bodies fit together once again. Their lips molded, tongues pushing, demanding together.
Yoochun whimpered because only Jae could kiss him like this. Only Jae could turn his insides to goo and then set them on fire until his blood felt like it was bubbling. He made another noise, anguish, pain, hurt and yanked himself away from Jaejoong.
Two steps, and then he fell to his knees, crying out, face in his hands. Jae was there in a moment, arms around his shoulders.
"I'm so sorry, Yoochun," Jae whispered. "Please, I-"
Yoochun growled, twisted and pinned Jae beneath him. Jae's breath came out in a whoosh. Their bodies fit together again.
"God damn it, Jae," Yoochun practically shouted, and slammed Jae's shoulders to the ground.
"Ow, fucker."
Yoochun sat back on his knees, so their crotches were no longer pushed together. But he couldn't look at Jae, and he stared at the sky, looking for constellations among the many stars.
Jae's hands rubbed up and down his thighs.
Yoochun's eyes shut. "All I can hear is my little girl telling you that I'm the best daddy in the whole country, and all I want to do is rip off your clothes and cheat on my wife and fuck--"
Yoochun stood up with an aggravated yell. He went to the barn and punched the old siding, ignoring the pain, and then there were arms around him again, holding, keeping him secure. He turned in the embrace and kissed Jaejoong again.
Jae pulled away. "Stop it, just stop it."
"Stop what?"
"Stop torturing yourself. I did not come here to throw your life out of whack, alright?"
"Then why the fuck-"
"I came to visit you, to see my family, to... to... okay so fine, I came to see if you still wanted me. Damn it, Yoochun, I had every intention of seducing you until I met your little girl. She means the world to you, and a fling with you isn't worth losing that."
"Now I'm a fling?"
Jae shut his eyes with a sigh. "Of course not. You're my world, Chunnie."
Yoochun kissed him again, soft, comfortable and Jae moaned and melded into his body.
"God, only you can kiss me like that, Chunnie, so I lose sense of everything else."
Yoochun pressed their foreheads together. "Same here.”
They held each other, arms around waists, eyes locked.
"I did something stupid," Jae said.
"What this time?"
Jae pushed him away and pulled off his t-shirt. He took his lighter and flicked up a flame, holding it so the light danced over the muscles of his chest. On his pec muscle, where Yoochun had marked him ten years ago, was a tattoo in simple script: love will never fade
Yoochun stared at it. Read it and re-read it even after Jae extinguished the flame. He reached out, shaking and then shivering when his hand met the heat of Jae's skin. He traced over the letters. And then he met Jae's eyes and swallowed.
He unbuttoned his shirt. "You actually broke my skin that night," he whispered. "Just a little bit."
Using the fingers of one hand, he found the tiny scar, and then took Jae's hand with his other. He directed the tip of Jae's finger to the scar. Jae caressed it, back and forth, with his finger and then with his nail.
"I was stupid," Jae said. "I was running all over the world looking for who I belonged to when that person was here the whole time. And now I've lost you. Lost my chance to be insanely and utterly happy."
"Jae-"
"What, Yoochun? What? I fucked up, and I'm sorry. But you're happy. I know you are. I can see it in your eyes, in your smile, in the way you look at your wife and children. I can't break that apart. It could have been mine. But-"
"You did not fuck up," Yoochun said. “You would have been miserable here."
"But you would have made the misery worth it. You always did. Always."
Hands still on each others chests, Yoochun kissed him again. Salty tears mingled with their lips.
"Would you understand if I said I never wanted to see you again?"
Yoochun nodded. "Yes."
Jae tried to bite back a sob, and Yoochun hugged him close, his face buried in Yoochun's shoulder.
"I want you one more time," Jae said. "Just one more, because I'm starting to forget what your skin tastes like and I don't want to forget." And then his tongue darted out and he licked Yoochun's nipple. Fingers brushed over his other nipple.
Yoochun gasped. "Please, Jae, I can't do this."
"Then let me do it."
Yoochun held him away by his shoulders. Stared at the pain and pleading in Jae's eyes, and his heart broke, his resolve crumbled. He had let Jae down ten years ago, choosing what he wanted over Jae.
Selfish.
And now, as his wife and kids slept in their home, he was going to be selfish again. It was what Jae needed, needed to let go and move on, but Yoochun just wanted it. He wanted the feel of Jae around him, holding him.
Yoochun kissed him, fast and needy, fingers fighting with the buttons on Jae's jeans. Jae whimpered as he tried to kick the boots off, and only seconds later, he was naked. Yoochun grabbed his cock and stroked hard and fast. Jae opened his mouth to cry out, but it was muffled as Yoochun shoved two fingers into his mouth. Jae moaned, deep, wanting, and sucked on the fingers.
With his other hand, Yoochun unbuckled his belt and undid his pants. He ripped his fingers from Jae's mouth and spun him around. He only gave Je enough time to put his hand on the wall and then he pushed both fingers into him at once.
Jae screamed, head tilting back. Yoochun pressed close. He closed his mouth at that juncture between neck and shoulder and bit down. Jae moaned and snapped his hips back on Yoochun's fingers. Yoochun trailed his hand around Jae's chest and then down his stomach. He grabbed Jae's cock again and stroked him.
"Fuck, Yoochun. God, this-"
"Shut up, Jae, please."
Jaejoong nodded and went back to incoherent moans. After a few more moments, Jae's cock pulsed and his body tightened around his fingers.
"Fuck! Chunnie, fuck!" Jae came, and Yoochun twisted his hand to catch most of it in his palm.
While Jae tried to steady his breathing, Yoochun kicked off his boots and pants. He lowered them to the ground, with him on the bottom. Jae would never forgive him for getting dirt in his hair.
Yoochun covered his cock with Jae's come. Jae was still shaking, but he managed to stay up, straddling Yoochun. Yoochun held his cock and shifted Jae's pliable body until he was poised to enter him. He could feel Jae's channel clenching, begging. And so he thrust up, hard and pushed Jae's hips down at the same time. They both cried out and then Yoochun was thrusting up, knees bent holding Jae were he wanted him.
It was hard and fast and Yoochun didn't dare blink. He wanted to remember this. Remember every facial expression, every twist of Jae's mouth. Every touch, feel and noise. Jae put his hands flat on Yoochun's chest and lifted himself up, suddenly taking over the movements.
"God, Jae. Faster."
Jae swallowed. “I wanted this slow," he said, voice cracking. "Like last time, not a quick dirty fuck on the ground."
"I wanted you forever, so we're both disappointed."
Tear tracks sparkled on both of their cheeks in the moonlight.
"I hate what you do to me," Jae said. "I hate it."
"Me, too."
Jae screamed in frustration and sped up. Yoochun reached between them and grabbed Jae's cock, tugging on it harshly. His orgasm shot through him, sudden violent, just like their sex, and he came, filling Jae up. His eyes shut with a groan as Jae's body tightened around him, but he kept moving, never wanting it to end, never wanting to leave this man's body.
Jae's body jerked and he stopped, Yoochun's cock buried deep. Yoochun stroked faster as Jae's breath faltered. His cock jerked, and then come arched over Yoochun and splattered on his chest.
Jae immediately collapsed, crying, screaming into Yoochun's shoulder, hitting his chest over and over.
"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."
Yoochun held him close and rocked him, kissing his head.
When Jae sat up, Yoochun wanted to look away from the hurt in those eyes.
"I want to ask you again to come with me. But I know you won't. And... and you'd hate me for it, because you would. You would be stupid, and you would leave your wife and you would come and be miserable just to be with me. I know you would because I would to. Just tell me to stay, Yoochun, and I promise, this time I will. But you know I will and you know I will be miserable, so just like last time we're going to leave this place without each other and-oh, god, I'm going to lose you, I'm never going to see you again and--"
He broke off with a cry. When Yoochun tried to hold him he pushed away. He whimpered in anguish when Yoochun slipped out of his body. He crawled away, found his clothes and started dressing. Yoochun slowly stood up and did the same. Jae was walking away before Yoochun finished.
"Jae!"
"Don’t, Chunnie. I- I shouldn't have come and we shouldn't have and--fuck."
Yoochun shoved his foot in his boot and ran after him.
"No," Yoochun growled and spun him around. "I don't care how much this hurts, but damn it Jaejoong, I love you. And if you want to disappear from my life forever, then fine, do it, but not without you knowing that I love you."
Jae’s eyes shut, more tears falling. "I'm so sorry, Yoochun."
"Me, too."
"I do love you."
"I know. I love you. Forever."
Jae put his hand to Yoochun's chest. Yoochun did the same and pressed their foreheads together again.
Jae choked back a sob, kissed Yoochun quickly and then turned and ran away in the dark.
Yoochun let him go. He went back to the barn and leaned against the side. He cried, silently, remembering the feel and taste of Jaejoong. Angrily, he pushed away from the wall. His boot kicked something ahead of him. He bent down and picked up Jae’s lighter. It was red. He flicked the flame once, and then put it in his shirt pocket. With one more sigh, he headed back to his house.
Epilogue: Everything Changes
Chapter 4: Old Friends
Chapter 3: Kiss Goodbye
Chapter 2: Not Here
Chapter 1: Coming Home
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