rapid monologue
namjoon-centric
pg-13 | ~3.1k
I want to make music
note: for the prompt "I was afraid I'd stand asymmetrical to the world's expectations / In case I betray all those who had faith in me / I straighten my heavy shoulders and go up on my first stage", unpack your bags in bangtanexchange, edited, originally posted here
this is an entirely experimental writing style that i tried during a twelve-hour long bus ride, soooo i'm so sorry this is less than coherent in places. carmen! i know you prompted this, if you read this i'm so sorry ;u; i love your prompts
He discovers the beauty of rhymes at the early age of 12, chanting some English words he just learned at school, matching one word with another that sounds alike. It's called rapping, he finds out as he watches music programs on TV. Namjoon decides on a new hobby.
He familiarizes himself with various beats and spares some time to look for tongue twisters and try them out. He listens to music in class, each day becoming more and more careless about trying to hide it from his teachers. You with the headphone, his teacher would call, come up here and solve the problem. And Namjoon would stand up from his seat, gladly walking to the front of his class, because this is the perfect time to practice his swag. He'd grab a chalk and combine numbers with operators and write the solution, because what's hard about math, really? His teachers leave him alone after some time-Namjoon is smart enough to slack.
What do you want to do when you grow up, Namjoonie, his mother would ask. And little Namjoon would answer, I want to make music.
*
In high school, Namjoon learns the importance of communities. He finds people who completely understand why words and rhymes and beats and sound are the best things he has ever found. You should come with us sometime, one of his new friend says, have some fun.
School comes first is always, always his mother's answer when he asks for permission to stay out late and go see the underground performances. So finals week is Namjoon's only chance to reason, I'm staying at a friend's to study, and his mother would let him, and Namjoon would study a little and go to clubs to see actual rappers in action.
The first rap battle he ever witnessed makes Namjoon wonder how people can easily come up with disses for people they just met and barely know. He watches with amazement, making sure to take notice of the words people use, the way their bodies move as they deliver the lines. How do people make such witty comebacks at something they just heard, Namjoon thinks with envy.
He settles for watching up until the fifth night, when he assures himself that he, too, can do freestyle rap. He climbs up the stage and faces a tall guy with short red hair and pointy ears and tattoo on his face, who easily beats him on his third verse, going hey kid go home, don't you have finals tomorrow / rap's fun but it's not for people who can only follow / what are you, like, ten? / ask your mum if she'd let you try again. Namjoon gets off the stage with a smile and promises himself that he's never going to stop doing this-this is what he loves, this is what he's going to do.
He's going to make music.
*
A man in a dark blazer tells him he's really good, one day when Namjoon gets off the stage after winning his third rap battle of the night, second year of high school. The man holds out a business card, and his friends let out a choir of ooh, half-proud and half-jealous about the recognition Namjoon is getting. What do you want to do in life, Namjoon-ssi?
I want to make music, is still Namjoon's answer. The man smiles, give me a call and we can help you with that. The man nods and walks away, but before he's even out of the club, his phone rings and it's Namjoon-how will you help me make music. The man turns back with a smile. Tomorrow, he says, meet me at this cafe and I'll tell you.
So that's where he is the next day, sharply dressed with his hair styled neatly for once, sitting anxiously as the man explains about idols and training, and worldwide career and debuting, and a lot more. Namjoon, however, never seems to move on from the word idol and how much he despises it. Idols are not rappers and no rappers are idols, he thinks stubbornly. But the man mentions fame and recognition and people listening to what you make in such a way that young Namjoon actually starts considering it-going through trainings and all with the dream of finally, finally making music for everyone, and not just his friends and himself, to hear.
And Namjoon must really want it, because the next thing he knows he's trying to convince his mother to let him join, forcing his mother to let him enter the world he once, and still, uses in his nights of rap battles, going you rap like an idol. Idols are not rappers and rappers are never idols. School comes first is still his mother's answer, but Namjoon has proven himself to be fantastic at school and his mother has no reason to stop him from doing what he wants. So as a hesitant yes escapes his mother's lips and when soon forms are filled and paper works are filed, Namjoon realizes what he's becoming. He calls himself a rapper while enlisting to become an idol.
As long as I get to make music, Namjoon reasons to himself.
*
Training at the company is rigorous, and tiring, and outright stupid, because who dances while rapping, really? He meets and makes close friend with Hoseok, a guy who seems too happy to be rapping angrily about life and how sad it has become, and Yoongi, a guy who tries too hard to look badass when in truth he's just as silly and happy as Hoseok most of the time. Both know as well as Namjoon does, the way entering the idol industry has marred their reputations as underground rappers, and Namjoon finds it nice to have people who are in exactly the same place at life as he is.
Going back to the clubs and visiting (ex-)friends is just as tiring and outright stupid, because apparently the world knows what Namjoon is doing, that he has lowered himself to the point of training to be an idol, of all things, and therefore he is no longer a rapper, because idols are not rappers and no rappers are ever idols. But he makes it with Yoongi and Hoseok, finding places that still accept them, true friends who still respect them, and they perform occasionally at clubs, having fun and actually having fans, and it's rewarding, and Namjoon smiles to himself. I am making music, he thinks, this is what I want.
It feels like years into training and the illusion of debuting keeps showing up and leaving him, and the people he's supposed to debut with keep coming and going and coming and going. Namjoon stays, to his surprise, the desire to have people listen to his music overwhelming the pain and heartbreak of the never-coming debut stage. It's 2010 when they're finally given a name, Bulletproof Boy Scouts, whatever that's supposed to mean, but Namjoon doesn't care, because here it is, they have a name, debut should not be too far from now.
But even after their rap feature in 2AM sunbaenim's album, Namjoon is still there, still a trainee, not yet an idol and no longer accepted as a rapper, because idols are not rappers and rappers are not idols. New Year celebrations come and go just like the people he trains with, people he's supposed to be debuting with, and Namjoon is still there, losing count of how long it has been since the day he decides that being an idol is his answer to having people listen to his music, the lyrics he writes, the feeling he pours out. He sticks with Hoseok and Yoongi, making random music as they wait, clicking through the same passion for rapping and love for music, lost in the same dream of debuting that never seems to come true.
Hang in there, he remembers Jokwon sunbaenim once said. He's lying on his back, on the bunk bed he shares with Taehyung, sunbaenim's voice ringing in his head, saying I trained for eight years, and it's worth it. And that's probably why Namjoon stays, his rapping far better than when he entered the company, and his dancing now not too painful to watch. He probably isn't patient enough to wait eight years, but it's only been two and a half, and he can still hang in there. Hang in there, Namjoon.
I can still make music, he tells himself. And I'm here to have more people listen to it. That's all that matters.
*
It's Hoseok who is the first to be lucky enough among all of them to find out just how good it feels to stand on a big, bright stage, rapping, dancing, having people look and cheer at him. Hoseok, who is featured in Jokwon sunbaenim's solo single, picked over Namjoon due to his exceptional dancing skills compared to Namjoon's. It's half pain and half pride that he feels, at nights when his future members and himself sit in a circle, listening to Hoseok telling tales of how grand the stage of Inkigayo is, how amazing the crowds of M Countdown are, how hectic the backstage of Music Core can get.
Hoseok has a way of carrying himself so that it's practically impossible to hate him. He's cheerful and all smiles, and despite his jealousy, Namjoon finds himself smiling back, patting Hoseok on the back and saying his congratulations. And Hoseok replies with a grin, one day it will be us, he says, gripping Namjoon's shoulder, our song, our lyrics, our raps. On a grand stage with an audience shouting our names. The thought of it is enough for Namjoon to grin back, ear to ear, and nod at Hoseok.
The promise of one day comes merely two months later, when their PD calls them to a room, all seven of them-him, Yoongi, Hoseok, Taehyung, Seokjin, Jimin, and Jungkook-sitting down on the faux-wooden floor of the practice room, telling them that they're going to debut. Soon, he says, for real, he promises. He tells them to pick a leader, and in between blissful smiles and content grins, it's Namjoon that everyone chooses, saying he's been here the longest, he deserves it the most. It's one more burden for Namjoon, after his stage name, Rap Monster, because who in their right mind would call themselves Rap Monster, really? It brings expectations that Namjoon doesn't know he can fulfill, but that's the least of his worry for now. He's got a team to lead, a debut to prepare, photo shoots to attend, recordings to create, lyrics to write.
One day finally comes in the form of June 2013, when his face, huge sunglasses covering his eyes, finds its way to the pages of news sites, Bangtan Boys Debut Teaser, the title says, and Namjoon can feel his heart beats much faster than it should. It's only days now, he thinks as he practices the moves to his debut song, his debut song, and he almost falls down, more because of the weight in his heart than the complicated steps of the choreography. He gets nightmares about his dreams coming true and not being good enough for the people who root for him-he remembers the way his mother smiles as she says it's okay if he doesn't want to attend university, if being an idol is his dream. He thinks of the way some of his friends sneer at his decision of being an idol, and the way his other friends cheer him up whenever he feels like quitting. What if this doesn't work out? What if his group just becomes one of those that nobody remembers? What if he trains for years just to debut and be forgotten? Namjoon just wants to do well, so well, just wants to make people proud of him.
No, Namjoon shakes his head, he wants to make music, and that's what he's doing. If he succeeds, he succeeds, if he doesn't, at least some people listened. Other things should not matter.
*
Training is nothing compared to real idol schedule, Namjoon realizes as he tries to sneak some sleep on their van, moving at 4 AM to the recording of today's music broadcast. He reaches the broadcast station and sits with his eyes half-asleep as random strangers come over with BB cream and hairspray, doing his makeup and hair. Namjoon doesn't mind-he can still feel the ecstasy of their debut stage yesterday, the way his body stops shaking as soon as the familiar beat of the song they've been practicing for so long starts playing, as the first lines of his rap, the one he wrote himself, are out of his mouth. It's everything he didn't know he needed to feel-the sound of the crowd, the bright light of the stage, the banners with the words Bangtan Boys on it, the sunbaenims watching from backstage.
But of course with recognition, comes the pain of harsh comments-what's with the name, why the sunglasses, what is that hair. He must be ugly, that's why he's given shades to cover his face. He's not that good at rapping, why is he self-proclaiming himself as a monster. Namjoon tries to ignore the things coming from strangers who don't care and are probably just envious of the fact that he's famous, but it's the comments from people he used to know, the ones he hears accidentally when visiting clubs, that hurt more. He used to be on the same underground scene as I am, Namjoon overheard one time, he's good, but calling himself rap monster is a bit much. He used to be a simple guy wearing oversized t-shirts and snapbacks, Namjoon caught another time, now he's all makeup and fancy clothes, it's tacky. Namjoon blocks the negative comments as much as he can, although sometimes some things get under his skin. They're just jealous, he convinces himself, that I am young and living my dreams.
And then it gets tiring, rapping the same lines over and over again, four times a week and sometimes more, but even so, Namjoon tries to enjoy it. A voice in the back of his mind still sometimes wonders if it's the right decision to be an idol, with little to no chance to rap freestyle, repeating what he's done again and again, in thick makeup and pretentious hairdos. Under a stage name that nobody would ever choose for themselves, he wonders if he's become too much of an idol and not enough of a rapper.
Namjoon never worries for long, though, because he'd look around and the happiness is unmistakable in the faces of the members, the same bliss that he knows is mirrored on his own face, because he's fought for so long to get here. Namjoon secretly thanks his PD for giving him sunglasses to cover his eyes, because he's tearing up at every end of their debut stages. He's making music, and hundreds of people are there to listen to what he made. That's what he's here for, and whether he's a rapper or an idol, shouldn't matter.
*
Time flies and before he knows it he's already had multiple successful fan signing events, performed in hundreds of events and broadcasts and concerts, bleached and colored his hair numbers of times. Bangtan is doing well, actually winning things at award shows, even going overseas for awards and fan meetings. Namjoon is no longer afraid of being forgotten, because he knows people noticed, because he has an army of fans, and Namjoon cannot deny that he loves it. He's living in the spotlight, enjoying the glamorous status of an idol, thousands of people now listening to the lyrics he creates. But in the dark of the night, under exhaustion of his tight schedule, Namjoon would once again find himself asking if he's forgetting to be a rapper, too entangled in idol lifestyle.
It's the confusion of his status as an idol and his desire to be called a rapper that sometimes break him and he would lose the smile he has to wear onscreen, and instead frown and yell at anyone he comes in contact with. Seokjin would scold him for being insensitive, because everyone else is tired, too, and the leader shouldn't be making them feel worse. Yoongi likes to take a more silent approach, patting his back carefully when he passes him in the hallways, knowing that the frustration will be over soon, that Namjoon goes through this kind of breakdown every once in a while but it always passes. Hoseok would try to make him smile and sometimes he succeed sometimes he doesn't, but he always, always try. The maknaes are mostly too scared to even approach him, although sometimes Taehyung would awkwardly come and give him hugs, muttering I'm sorry hyung, I hope you're okay.
It's one of those days, and Taehyung had just climbed back down to the bottom bunk after nudging Namjoon's shoulder with his nose, whispering, hyung, are you okay. Namjoon answers with a hum while wondering if he's being selfish. Because if he's hesitant about being there and one day decides to leave, that idol life isn't the answer to his dream, then he would be leaving six kids who have dreamed with him for so long, the ones who are always, always there for him. And it's the realization that he has a family there, the people who suffered together with him, the kids who share his laugh at the hardest times, the ones he's singing with, that makes Namjoon thinks that yes, he's staying, there, as an idol, as a rapper, whatever you'd like to call it. Because labels shouldn't matter when he's doing what he's always wanted to do-he's making music.
*
Namjoon realizes over time, just how much labels don't matter. He rids himself of the uncertainty of being called an idol, because what's so bad about being an idol, really? It's because he's an idol that he's all set to debut in Japan, invited to perform in LA, making documentary show in China-he's going international. Soon he will have tens of thousands of people listening to his music, and how many people are lucky enough to have so much recognition at such an early age?
Namjoon thinks about being thankful, that his life is full of bliss, that all his sacrifices are worth it and that all his insecurities are unnecessary. He steals glances to his sides, to his fellow members who are waving at the fans in front of them, smiling, grinning, living their dreams. He looks ahead to the sea of lime green lights shining in the darkness of the concert hall, finding banners with his name here and there. And as the faint light of the stage grows brighter, and the words Bangtan Boys Official Japan Fan Meeting are visible behind him, he smiles and raises a hand.
"2, 3, Bang! Tan! Hello, we are Bangtan Boys!"
Namjoon thinks this is okay (for now). This is okay (for now).
pg-13 | ~3.1k
I want to make music
note: for the prompt "I was afraid I'd stand asymmetrical to the world's expectations / In case I betray all those who had faith in me / I straighten my heavy shoulders and go up on my first stage", unpack your bags in bangtanexchange, edited, originally posted here
this is an entirely experimental writing style that i tried during a twelve-hour long bus ride, soooo i'm so sorry this is less than coherent in places. carmen! i know you prompted this, if you read this i'm so sorry ;u; i love your prompts
He discovers the beauty of rhymes at the early age of 12, chanting some English words he just learned at school, matching one word with another that sounds alike. It's called rapping, he finds out as he watches music programs on TV. Namjoon decides on a new hobby.
He familiarizes himself with various beats and spares some time to look for tongue twisters and try them out. He listens to music in class, each day becoming more and more careless about trying to hide it from his teachers. You with the headphone, his teacher would call, come up here and solve the problem. And Namjoon would stand up from his seat, gladly walking to the front of his class, because this is the perfect time to practice his swag. He'd grab a chalk and combine numbers with operators and write the solution, because what's hard about math, really? His teachers leave him alone after some time-Namjoon is smart enough to slack.
What do you want to do when you grow up, Namjoonie, his mother would ask. And little Namjoon would answer, I want to make music.
*
In high school, Namjoon learns the importance of communities. He finds people who completely understand why words and rhymes and beats and sound are the best things he has ever found. You should come with us sometime, one of his new friend says, have some fun.
School comes first is always, always his mother's answer when he asks for permission to stay out late and go see the underground performances. So finals week is Namjoon's only chance to reason, I'm staying at a friend's to study, and his mother would let him, and Namjoon would study a little and go to clubs to see actual rappers in action.
The first rap battle he ever witnessed makes Namjoon wonder how people can easily come up with disses for people they just met and barely know. He watches with amazement, making sure to take notice of the words people use, the way their bodies move as they deliver the lines. How do people make such witty comebacks at something they just heard, Namjoon thinks with envy.
He settles for watching up until the fifth night, when he assures himself that he, too, can do freestyle rap. He climbs up the stage and faces a tall guy with short red hair and pointy ears and tattoo on his face, who easily beats him on his third verse, going hey kid go home, don't you have finals tomorrow / rap's fun but it's not for people who can only follow / what are you, like, ten? / ask your mum if she'd let you try again. Namjoon gets off the stage with a smile and promises himself that he's never going to stop doing this-this is what he loves, this is what he's going to do.
He's going to make music.
*
A man in a dark blazer tells him he's really good, one day when Namjoon gets off the stage after winning his third rap battle of the night, second year of high school. The man holds out a business card, and his friends let out a choir of ooh, half-proud and half-jealous about the recognition Namjoon is getting. What do you want to do in life, Namjoon-ssi?
I want to make music, is still Namjoon's answer. The man smiles, give me a call and we can help you with that. The man nods and walks away, but before he's even out of the club, his phone rings and it's Namjoon-how will you help me make music. The man turns back with a smile. Tomorrow, he says, meet me at this cafe and I'll tell you.
So that's where he is the next day, sharply dressed with his hair styled neatly for once, sitting anxiously as the man explains about idols and training, and worldwide career and debuting, and a lot more. Namjoon, however, never seems to move on from the word idol and how much he despises it. Idols are not rappers and no rappers are idols, he thinks stubbornly. But the man mentions fame and recognition and people listening to what you make in such a way that young Namjoon actually starts considering it-going through trainings and all with the dream of finally, finally making music for everyone, and not just his friends and himself, to hear.
And Namjoon must really want it, because the next thing he knows he's trying to convince his mother to let him join, forcing his mother to let him enter the world he once, and still, uses in his nights of rap battles, going you rap like an idol. Idols are not rappers and rappers are never idols. School comes first is still his mother's answer, but Namjoon has proven himself to be fantastic at school and his mother has no reason to stop him from doing what he wants. So as a hesitant yes escapes his mother's lips and when soon forms are filled and paper works are filed, Namjoon realizes what he's becoming. He calls himself a rapper while enlisting to become an idol.
As long as I get to make music, Namjoon reasons to himself.
*
Training at the company is rigorous, and tiring, and outright stupid, because who dances while rapping, really? He meets and makes close friend with Hoseok, a guy who seems too happy to be rapping angrily about life and how sad it has become, and Yoongi, a guy who tries too hard to look badass when in truth he's just as silly and happy as Hoseok most of the time. Both know as well as Namjoon does, the way entering the idol industry has marred their reputations as underground rappers, and Namjoon finds it nice to have people who are in exactly the same place at life as he is.
Going back to the clubs and visiting (ex-)friends is just as tiring and outright stupid, because apparently the world knows what Namjoon is doing, that he has lowered himself to the point of training to be an idol, of all things, and therefore he is no longer a rapper, because idols are not rappers and no rappers are ever idols. But he makes it with Yoongi and Hoseok, finding places that still accept them, true friends who still respect them, and they perform occasionally at clubs, having fun and actually having fans, and it's rewarding, and Namjoon smiles to himself. I am making music, he thinks, this is what I want.
It feels like years into training and the illusion of debuting keeps showing up and leaving him, and the people he's supposed to debut with keep coming and going and coming and going. Namjoon stays, to his surprise, the desire to have people listen to his music overwhelming the pain and heartbreak of the never-coming debut stage. It's 2010 when they're finally given a name, Bulletproof Boy Scouts, whatever that's supposed to mean, but Namjoon doesn't care, because here it is, they have a name, debut should not be too far from now.
But even after their rap feature in 2AM sunbaenim's album, Namjoon is still there, still a trainee, not yet an idol and no longer accepted as a rapper, because idols are not rappers and rappers are not idols. New Year celebrations come and go just like the people he trains with, people he's supposed to be debuting with, and Namjoon is still there, losing count of how long it has been since the day he decides that being an idol is his answer to having people listen to his music, the lyrics he writes, the feeling he pours out. He sticks with Hoseok and Yoongi, making random music as they wait, clicking through the same passion for rapping and love for music, lost in the same dream of debuting that never seems to come true.
Hang in there, he remembers Jokwon sunbaenim once said. He's lying on his back, on the bunk bed he shares with Taehyung, sunbaenim's voice ringing in his head, saying I trained for eight years, and it's worth it. And that's probably why Namjoon stays, his rapping far better than when he entered the company, and his dancing now not too painful to watch. He probably isn't patient enough to wait eight years, but it's only been two and a half, and he can still hang in there. Hang in there, Namjoon.
I can still make music, he tells himself. And I'm here to have more people listen to it. That's all that matters.
*
It's Hoseok who is the first to be lucky enough among all of them to find out just how good it feels to stand on a big, bright stage, rapping, dancing, having people look and cheer at him. Hoseok, who is featured in Jokwon sunbaenim's solo single, picked over Namjoon due to his exceptional dancing skills compared to Namjoon's. It's half pain and half pride that he feels, at nights when his future members and himself sit in a circle, listening to Hoseok telling tales of how grand the stage of Inkigayo is, how amazing the crowds of M Countdown are, how hectic the backstage of Music Core can get.
Hoseok has a way of carrying himself so that it's practically impossible to hate him. He's cheerful and all smiles, and despite his jealousy, Namjoon finds himself smiling back, patting Hoseok on the back and saying his congratulations. And Hoseok replies with a grin, one day it will be us, he says, gripping Namjoon's shoulder, our song, our lyrics, our raps. On a grand stage with an audience shouting our names. The thought of it is enough for Namjoon to grin back, ear to ear, and nod at Hoseok.
The promise of one day comes merely two months later, when their PD calls them to a room, all seven of them-him, Yoongi, Hoseok, Taehyung, Seokjin, Jimin, and Jungkook-sitting down on the faux-wooden floor of the practice room, telling them that they're going to debut. Soon, he says, for real, he promises. He tells them to pick a leader, and in between blissful smiles and content grins, it's Namjoon that everyone chooses, saying he's been here the longest, he deserves it the most. It's one more burden for Namjoon, after his stage name, Rap Monster, because who in their right mind would call themselves Rap Monster, really? It brings expectations that Namjoon doesn't know he can fulfill, but that's the least of his worry for now. He's got a team to lead, a debut to prepare, photo shoots to attend, recordings to create, lyrics to write.
One day finally comes in the form of June 2013, when his face, huge sunglasses covering his eyes, finds its way to the pages of news sites, Bangtan Boys Debut Teaser, the title says, and Namjoon can feel his heart beats much faster than it should. It's only days now, he thinks as he practices the moves to his debut song, his debut song, and he almost falls down, more because of the weight in his heart than the complicated steps of the choreography. He gets nightmares about his dreams coming true and not being good enough for the people who root for him-he remembers the way his mother smiles as she says it's okay if he doesn't want to attend university, if being an idol is his dream. He thinks of the way some of his friends sneer at his decision of being an idol, and the way his other friends cheer him up whenever he feels like quitting. What if this doesn't work out? What if his group just becomes one of those that nobody remembers? What if he trains for years just to debut and be forgotten? Namjoon just wants to do well, so well, just wants to make people proud of him.
No, Namjoon shakes his head, he wants to make music, and that's what he's doing. If he succeeds, he succeeds, if he doesn't, at least some people listened. Other things should not matter.
*
Training is nothing compared to real idol schedule, Namjoon realizes as he tries to sneak some sleep on their van, moving at 4 AM to the recording of today's music broadcast. He reaches the broadcast station and sits with his eyes half-asleep as random strangers come over with BB cream and hairspray, doing his makeup and hair. Namjoon doesn't mind-he can still feel the ecstasy of their debut stage yesterday, the way his body stops shaking as soon as the familiar beat of the song they've been practicing for so long starts playing, as the first lines of his rap, the one he wrote himself, are out of his mouth. It's everything he didn't know he needed to feel-the sound of the crowd, the bright light of the stage, the banners with the words Bangtan Boys on it, the sunbaenims watching from backstage.
But of course with recognition, comes the pain of harsh comments-what's with the name, why the sunglasses, what is that hair. He must be ugly, that's why he's given shades to cover his face. He's not that good at rapping, why is he self-proclaiming himself as a monster. Namjoon tries to ignore the things coming from strangers who don't care and are probably just envious of the fact that he's famous, but it's the comments from people he used to know, the ones he hears accidentally when visiting clubs, that hurt more. He used to be on the same underground scene as I am, Namjoon overheard one time, he's good, but calling himself rap monster is a bit much. He used to be a simple guy wearing oversized t-shirts and snapbacks, Namjoon caught another time, now he's all makeup and fancy clothes, it's tacky. Namjoon blocks the negative comments as much as he can, although sometimes some things get under his skin. They're just jealous, he convinces himself, that I am young and living my dreams.
And then it gets tiring, rapping the same lines over and over again, four times a week and sometimes more, but even so, Namjoon tries to enjoy it. A voice in the back of his mind still sometimes wonders if it's the right decision to be an idol, with little to no chance to rap freestyle, repeating what he's done again and again, in thick makeup and pretentious hairdos. Under a stage name that nobody would ever choose for themselves, he wonders if he's become too much of an idol and not enough of a rapper.
Namjoon never worries for long, though, because he'd look around and the happiness is unmistakable in the faces of the members, the same bliss that he knows is mirrored on his own face, because he's fought for so long to get here. Namjoon secretly thanks his PD for giving him sunglasses to cover his eyes, because he's tearing up at every end of their debut stages. He's making music, and hundreds of people are there to listen to what he made. That's what he's here for, and whether he's a rapper or an idol, shouldn't matter.
*
Time flies and before he knows it he's already had multiple successful fan signing events, performed in hundreds of events and broadcasts and concerts, bleached and colored his hair numbers of times. Bangtan is doing well, actually winning things at award shows, even going overseas for awards and fan meetings. Namjoon is no longer afraid of being forgotten, because he knows people noticed, because he has an army of fans, and Namjoon cannot deny that he loves it. He's living in the spotlight, enjoying the glamorous status of an idol, thousands of people now listening to the lyrics he creates. But in the dark of the night, under exhaustion of his tight schedule, Namjoon would once again find himself asking if he's forgetting to be a rapper, too entangled in idol lifestyle.
It's the confusion of his status as an idol and his desire to be called a rapper that sometimes break him and he would lose the smile he has to wear onscreen, and instead frown and yell at anyone he comes in contact with. Seokjin would scold him for being insensitive, because everyone else is tired, too, and the leader shouldn't be making them feel worse. Yoongi likes to take a more silent approach, patting his back carefully when he passes him in the hallways, knowing that the frustration will be over soon, that Namjoon goes through this kind of breakdown every once in a while but it always passes. Hoseok would try to make him smile and sometimes he succeed sometimes he doesn't, but he always, always try. The maknaes are mostly too scared to even approach him, although sometimes Taehyung would awkwardly come and give him hugs, muttering I'm sorry hyung, I hope you're okay.
It's one of those days, and Taehyung had just climbed back down to the bottom bunk after nudging Namjoon's shoulder with his nose, whispering, hyung, are you okay. Namjoon answers with a hum while wondering if he's being selfish. Because if he's hesitant about being there and one day decides to leave, that idol life isn't the answer to his dream, then he would be leaving six kids who have dreamed with him for so long, the ones who are always, always there for him. And it's the realization that he has a family there, the people who suffered together with him, the kids who share his laugh at the hardest times, the ones he's singing with, that makes Namjoon thinks that yes, he's staying, there, as an idol, as a rapper, whatever you'd like to call it. Because labels shouldn't matter when he's doing what he's always wanted to do-he's making music.
*
Namjoon realizes over time, just how much labels don't matter. He rids himself of the uncertainty of being called an idol, because what's so bad about being an idol, really? It's because he's an idol that he's all set to debut in Japan, invited to perform in LA, making documentary show in China-he's going international. Soon he will have tens of thousands of people listening to his music, and how many people are lucky enough to have so much recognition at such an early age?
Namjoon thinks about being thankful, that his life is full of bliss, that all his sacrifices are worth it and that all his insecurities are unnecessary. He steals glances to his sides, to his fellow members who are waving at the fans in front of them, smiling, grinning, living their dreams. He looks ahead to the sea of lime green lights shining in the darkness of the concert hall, finding banners with his name here and there. And as the faint light of the stage grows brighter, and the words Bangtan Boys Official Japan Fan Meeting are visible behind him, he smiles and raises a hand.
"2, 3, Bang! Tan! Hello, we are Bangtan Boys!"
Namjoon thinks this is okay (for now). This is okay (for now).