one year later
baekhyun/jongdae
pg-13 | ~3k
hey J, something came up. gimme a call when u land.
[warning]character death
- also on aff
Hey, silly.
How are you? I know you know how bad I am with letters, so I’m going to skip the small talk and get to the point. I miss you. So much, it hurts. I hope you’re doing better.
You shouldn’t worry about me, though. I’m trying, hard, to be happy. Afterall, we’re Bubbly Baekhyun and Joyful Jongdae; happiness is just what’s expected from us, right? And I am happy. Well, not really. Right now maybe I am peaceful. Content, at most. But I will be happy, I promise.
It’s painfully lonely without you here. It’s been a while since we last met, and I have learned to fill the void you left by letting more people in. Guess what? I have friends other than Luhan, Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo now. We hang out with Yixing and Minseok, and Jongin. I can even stand Sehun. Can you believe that? I know you’re proud of me. I’ll go ahead and pat myself in the back on your behalf.
I have so many things to tell you, but I really am bad with words. I can imagine you laughing and saying “but you won’t shut up all the time, how are you bad with words?!” at this, but really, I’m hopeless. I don’t normally think before I speak, but when it comes to writing, I’m bound to think of it, and the words just slip away when I start thinking. I can’t come up with the right words, because nothing is good enough to say to you.
I don’t know what to say, and I know you won’t write back, anyway. And now I wonder why I even started writing this in the first place. But I miss you so much it hurts. I need to talk to you somehow, and I can’t think of other things to do. I miss you so much.
I hope you know I love you. I know I used to say it in passing when I kiss your cheek goodbye in the mornings, before we part for work. I know I used to say it while rubbing my nose on yours, after we finished our dinner in front of the TV even after we promised to make use of the dining table. I know I used to say it in your ear after I whisper good night. But now I just wish I could tell you in person how much I love you.
So much. It hurts.
Baekhyun was not having a great day. He had a slight fever that was making him a little light-headed, and the fact that it had not stopped raining since 10 in the freaking morning did not help his mood. Even worse, he was on his way to pick up Jongdae from work, and then he had to drive Jongdae to the airport. Where he would be flying off to Turkey. For a week. Without him.
“Noooo, why can’t you go, Baek?” Jongdae whined when he had surprised Baekhyun last week, two tickets to Turkey in hand, only to be rejected by a glum Baekhyun.
“I swear you have the worst timing, Kim Jongdae,” Baekhyun groaned. “I have three deadlines! There’s no way I could get a day off, let alone the week off.”
“But it’s Turkey!” Jongdae’s eyes lit up, trying hard to convince Baekhyun. “You know, with the hot air balloons? I’ve booked these tickets like five months ago!”
Baekhyun scratched his head in frustration. He didn’t want to disappoint Jongdae. The little guy had gone out of his way to set up a romantic getaway, the week of their anniversary, using most of his savings, to the place Baekhyun had gushed over for weeks after seeing that one picture Luhan took from a hot air balloon. But work. Deadlines. Three. Hot air balloon. Turkey.
Baekhyun’s exasperation must have shown on his face, because the next thing he knew, Jongdae sighed and wrapped his arms around him.
“It’s okay if you can’t go,” Jongdae whispered as he ruffled Baekhyun’s hair.
“Sorry,” Baekhyun mumbled to Jongdae’s neck as he hugged him back. “You’ve prepared so much.”
Jongdae chuckled. “Yeah, well, you’re kinda needy so I need to prepare a lot.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, stupid,” Jongdae lifted Baekhyun’s chin up and stared at him until Baekhyun smiled slightly. “That’s better. I love you?”
“I love you, Jongdae,” Baekhyun answered with a smile. “You know what, you should go without me. Maybe take Luhan with you?”
It took some (three freaking hours) convincing, but Jongdae finally gave up and agreed to Baekhyun’s request. So that was the plan: Jongdae was going to Turkey, for a week, with Luhan, on what was supposed to be their anniversary trip. Baekhyun parked his car in front of Jongdae’s office and bumped his head on the steering wheel repeatedly for coming up with such a stupid idea.
There was a knock on the driver’s window. Baekhyun looked up and saw Jongdae smiling weakly. Maybe he didn’t really like this idea, either. Baekhyun rolled down his window.
“Hey.”
Baekhyun managed a smile. “Hey.”
Jongdae pressed the back of his hand to Baekhyun’s forehead. “Are you seriously coming down with a fever, now?”
“A little,” Baekhyun mumbled, leaning into Jongdae’s touch. “My body doesn’t like the idea of you going away.”
“Should I not go? I really shouldn’t go, right?” Jongdae asked, worried.
“I’ll be fine,” Baekhyun chuckled. “Let’s get you to the airport.”
“Move over then, I’m driving,” Jongdae opened the door and threw his bag to the backseat. “You should call Chanyeol or Kyungsoo to pick you up from the airport.”
Baekhyun scooted to the passenger seat and put on his seatbelt. He turned to Jongdae to exchange a kiss. “I’m fine, I can drive myself home.”
“Are you sure? Should I ask Kyungsoo to stay at home with you this week?” Jongdae questioned, still unsure about leaving.
Baekhyun kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “I’m okay, okay? The fever would be gone even before your flight reach Turkey.”
“Okay, if you say so,” Jongdae started the car and they drove in silence. Baekhyun noticed Jongdae stealing concerned glances at him, but he was too sleepy, too tired to comment. His headache was getting worse, and he wondered if he could stay awake to drive back home. Maybe this fever was not so light.
“Be okay, Baek,” Baekhyun vaguely heard Jongdae whispered as he drowsed off.
“I’ll see you soon?” Jongdae pouted as he squeezed Baekhyun’s hands in his.
“I’ll see you in a week,” Baekhyun smiled. “Try to have fun, okay?”
“I really don’t want to go,” Jongdae suddenly said. The fact that his flight was minutes away made him realize that he really, really, didn’t want to go. Plus, Baekhyun is sick, is it really okay to leave him?
“Don’t be silly, Jongdae,” Baekhyun said with a laugh.
“But it’s our anniversary!”
Baekhyun leaned in and kissed Jongdae. It was warm and soft, and everything Jongdae needed at the moment. It felt so good that Jongdae wished Baekhyun would slip up and beg him not to go.
“Happy early anniversary,” Baekhyun smiled as he parted their lips slightly, foreheads still pressed together. “It will still be our anniversary even if we’re apart, right?”
Jongdae nodded slowly, eyes shut tight. “I’ll miss you.”
“I miss you already.”
“You lovebirds ready to go?” Luhan tugged on Jongdae’s sleeve, pulling him apart from Baekhyun. Jongdae almost cried at the loss of touch. “We’re boarding.”
Baekhyun let go of Jongdae’s hand and gave him a reassuring smile. He turned to Luhan, “Take care of him, okay? Don’t let him eat too much.”
Luhan laughed as Jongdae pouted at his boyfriend. “We’ll be fine, Baekhyun,” Luhan said. “You go take care of your deadlines and your fever!”
“I will,” Baekhyun smiled at Luhan. He turned to the gloomy boy beside Luhan and stepped forward.
Jongdae kept his sad expression as Baekhyun fixed his hair and snapback for him. “You should smile, you know. It will be a great trip.”
“Not without you, no,” Jongdae sulked. “Are you sure you can’t go? I’ve snuck your passport in your bag if you suddenly want to.”
Baekhyun laughed. “No, silly, you go,” he smiled. “I’ll wait for your hot air balloon instagram update.”
Jongdae stayed silent and looked down, as Luhan tugged his hands and motioned to Baekhyun to speed things up; they needed to board right away. Baekhyun lifted Jongdae’s chin up and used the younger’s staring technique until Jongdae showed a hint of smile. “There you go. I love you?”
“I love you, Baekhyun.”
I haven’t seen you in a while now. Can you hear me when I whisper your name at nights? Because I still do that. Not a single night went by without your name leaving my lips; be it in my prayers or in my dreams.
I remember waking up at midnights from these nightmares in which you were gone. Only I could never really decide which was worse; the nightmares or waking up to the fact that you really weren’t here anymore. I’d cry but I can’t. Maybe I’ve run out of tears. I miss you so much. It hurts. Sometimes I wish I were gone instead of you. But mostly I wish we were together; I don’t really care if it’s here together or gone together.
But like I told you, no need to worry about me. I used to be miserable but I was never suicidal. I know you call me dumb all the time, but really, I know you better than anyone. I’m smart enough to know that you’d want me to live up to our infamous happiness. And I told you, I tried. I’m not quite there yet, but I promise you I will be. Although happiness will never be the same, because you, you used to be my very definition of happiness, and now that you’re gone I’m going to need to redefine. But I’ll come up with something. Soon.
The first thing Jongdae did when their flight landed in Hong Kong for transit was take out his phone. He dialed Baekhyun’s number, and frowned at the screen when Baekhyun didn’t pick up for the third time. Jongdae wondered if Baekhyun was asleep already, but it was only 1 AM in Korea, and Baekhyun was supposed to be working on his deadline. Plus, it was their anniversary. Baekhyun was not much of a romantic, but staying up to say happy anniversary was definitely not too much to ask.
Luhan excused himself to the restroom, and Jongdae sat down on one of the airport benches. He started checking his messages, and still, none from Baekhyun.
From: Freakishly Tall Dude
hey J, something came up. gimme a call when u land.
From: Squishy Little Man
jongdae, call me when u land.
Not even one day gone, and you guys miss me already, huh? Jongdae smiled smugly as he pondered which one of the two to call first. He decided on calling Chanyeol.
“Jongdae?” Chanyeol’s deep voice picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, Yeol, what’s up?”
“Where are you?”
“Hong Kong, three hours of transit here,” Jongdae answered. “Is Kyungsoo there? He asked me to call too.”
“He’s here,” Chanyeol answered hurriedly. “Listen, Jongdae.”
The urgency in Chanyeol’s voice was making Jongdae worried. He then remembered the fact that Baekhyun was down with that fever, and that the guy didn’t pick up his phone call. Oh. “Chanyeol, what is it?”
“It’s Baekhyun.”
Jongdae felt a pang in his heart. Is it the fever? Is he coming down with something worse?
“He was in an accident, Jongdae,” Chanyeol’s voice cracked. Jongdae’s whole body felt numb. “He drove his car to a tree. We’re in the hospital right now, he’s in surgery.”
Everything else felt like a blur to Jongdae. He remembered Luhan coming back to find him sobbing uncontrollably, head between his knees. Luhan had to call Chanyeol himself to understand what was happening.
“Jongdae, listen,” Luhan said as he wrapped his arms around Jongdae to calm the latter. “I’ll try to find you the earliest flight back to Seoul, okay?”
Jongdae nodded as quickly as his head would allow him. Please, please, please, God, let Baek be okay.
Luhan came back a couple of minutes later, a ticket in his hand. “I can only get one ticket, it’s leaving in half an hour,” he handed Jongdae the ticket and brushed the younger male’s hair with worry. “Will you be okay, Jongdae? I’ll follow you on the next flight.”
“It’s okay,” Jongdae found his voice. “Thank you, hyung.”
If it wasn’t for that car crash, maybe we could finally go ride that stupid hot air balloon together. Or maybe we’d just be too broke and lazy and we’ll eat pizza in that dirty couch of ours. Maybe we'd get to celebrate another birthday together on a random July day like we always do. Maybe I’d finally cook for you. Maybe we’d be married.
There are only so much what-ifs and maybes I can come up with. They still wouldn’t be true, because I’ve spent the last year trying to accept that you’re not coming back. And it’s okay, I suppose. I’m okay with it, as long as you promise you’re happy.
I love you, Jongdae. So much.
The light was blinding when Baekhyun squinted his eyes open. He adjusted to the light and turned to his left and right, taking in his surroundings. There was a sharp pain on the left side of his head and he let out a small whimper.
“Baek?” Kyungsoo’s voice came up from his left, hoarse from crying. “Oh my god Baek, thank god!”
“Soo?” Baekhyun voiced. He noticed Kyungsoo was busy shaking another figure sleeping on the couch. Chanyeol.
“Baekhyun, thank god!” Chanyeol tried his best to give him a hug considering their position, and Baekhyun noted that the tall guy had his eyes red and bleary. He had been crying, too.
“What happened?” Baekhyun questioned. “Am I in a hospital? How long was I out?”
“You crashed your car,” Kyungsoo answered, his hands brushing the sides of Baekhyun’s face, a hint of relief graced his tired expression. “It’s been five days now.”
Baekhyun stirred and looked around. Every inch of his body hurt.
“Are you okay, Baek?” Kyungsoo asked him worriedly, as Chanyeol went to find someone to check his condition.
“It’s okay,” Baekhyun replied with a wince. “Soo? Where’s Jongdae?”
Baekhyun thought he saw Kyungsoo’s face hardened, and maybe he also noticed Chanyeol flinching when he heard his question. But their conversation was cut short when a doctor came in to check on Baekhyun.
“You need to rest, now,” the doctor said as he finished with his examinations. “I’ll give you some painkiller and something to help you sleep.”
Baekhyun could hear Kyungsoo talking to Chanyeol as the doctor leave his room. “I can’t tell him, please,” he said. What can’t you tell me, Baekhyun thought of asking. But his eyes were heavy and his body was light, and once again he fell into the darkness of his slumber.
Baekhyun dreamt of Jongdae. Jongdae had always been dreamy to him, but it had been a while since he was in his dream.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” Jongdae replied, beaming. “Happy anniversary!”
Baekhyun smiled. He almost forgot. “Happy anniversary.”
“Are you okay, Baek?”
“My whole body hurts,” Baekhyun admitted. “How come you’re not around?”
Jongdae replied with a simple smile. He reached for Baekhyun’s hands and laced their fingers. “Hey, Baek?”
Baekhyun looked at Jongdae, who was smiling brightly at his direction. He couldn’t remember Jongdae being this adorable since a long time ago.
“I need to go, now,” Jongdae said. “You should wake up. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol might have something to tell you.”
“Wait,” Baekhyun blurted. He wasn't normally good at goodbyes.
Jongdae gave him a reassuring smile, and moved forward to kiss him. “Be happy, okay? I love you, Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun didn’t get to answer. He woke up, still lying on the same hospital bed. Kyungsoo was asleep on his right side, and Chanyeol was fumbling with his phone on the nearby couch.
It was Luhan who realized Baekhyun had been awake. “Baekhyun?”
“Luhan hyung,” Baekhyun greeted him feebly. “You’re back? Where’s Jongdae?”
Chanyeol and Luhan exchanged a look. Kyungsoo lifted his head up, he was always a light sleeper, and held Baekhyun’s hand.
Baekhyun looked around in confusion as the three of them approached his bed, everyone reaching for a spot to hold him-Luhan pressed his hand on Baekhyun’s thigh and Chanyeol his shoulder. “Listen, Baekhyun,” Luhan started slowly. “Jongdae’s not coming back.”
Baekhyun wondered how it was possible for his heart to hurt more than his body did. He had broken ribs and stitches on his head, but his heart, his heart had a gaping hole.
Jongdae’s plane never reached Seoul, they said. There was a crash, and Jongdae only made it home two days later, his body cold and stiff, and lifeless. Jongdae had hundreds of people in his funeral, they said. Everyone loved Jongdae; despite his reputation of being a rather thoughtless prankster, Jongdae was undoubtedly one of the nicer guys in the world. Everybody loved Jongdae more than they let him know.
They had told him that it hurt, although maybe less than how it hurt for Baekhyun, how they had to bury one friend, while another was lying critical in the hospital. Chanyeol earnestly told him, in tears, that there was a point he wished Baekhyun would just die, too, because he didn’t think he could tell Baekhyun what happened to Jongdae. But he said sorry, and promised Baekhyun they’d help him live, because that’s what Jongdae would have wanted.
Baekhyun cried until he couldn’t cry anymore. Luhan and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol let him, because that was what they had been doing, too. Luhan whimpered every time they mentioned Jongdae’s flight, thinking that it was his fault for getting him on the plane. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol regretted not picking Baekhyun up from the airport. Baekhyun cried, and cried again.
Until he couldn’t cry anymore.
I can’t believe it’s been a year; it’s a miracle that I can even function without you. You must be looking out for me, huh? Thank you, silly.
I love you, Jongdae. I love you so much, it hurts.
Happy supposed-to-be-second anniversary. It is still our anniversary even if we’re apart, right?
- Baekhyun
pg-13 | ~3k
hey J, something came up. gimme a call when u land.
[warning]character death
- also on aff
Hey, silly.
How are you? I know you know how bad I am with letters, so I’m going to skip the small talk and get to the point. I miss you. So much, it hurts. I hope you’re doing better.
You shouldn’t worry about me, though. I’m trying, hard, to be happy. Afterall, we’re Bubbly Baekhyun and Joyful Jongdae; happiness is just what’s expected from us, right? And I am happy. Well, not really. Right now maybe I am peaceful. Content, at most. But I will be happy, I promise.
It’s painfully lonely without you here. It’s been a while since we last met, and I have learned to fill the void you left by letting more people in. Guess what? I have friends other than Luhan, Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo now. We hang out with Yixing and Minseok, and Jongin. I can even stand Sehun. Can you believe that? I know you’re proud of me. I’ll go ahead and pat myself in the back on your behalf.
I have so many things to tell you, but I really am bad with words. I can imagine you laughing and saying “but you won’t shut up all the time, how are you bad with words?!” at this, but really, I’m hopeless. I don’t normally think before I speak, but when it comes to writing, I’m bound to think of it, and the words just slip away when I start thinking. I can’t come up with the right words, because nothing is good enough to say to you.
I don’t know what to say, and I know you won’t write back, anyway. And now I wonder why I even started writing this in the first place. But I miss you so much it hurts. I need to talk to you somehow, and I can’t think of other things to do. I miss you so much.
I hope you know I love you. I know I used to say it in passing when I kiss your cheek goodbye in the mornings, before we part for work. I know I used to say it while rubbing my nose on yours, after we finished our dinner in front of the TV even after we promised to make use of the dining table. I know I used to say it in your ear after I whisper good night. But now I just wish I could tell you in person how much I love you.
So much. It hurts.
Baekhyun was not having a great day. He had a slight fever that was making him a little light-headed, and the fact that it had not stopped raining since 10 in the freaking morning did not help his mood. Even worse, he was on his way to pick up Jongdae from work, and then he had to drive Jongdae to the airport. Where he would be flying off to Turkey. For a week. Without him.
“Noooo, why can’t you go, Baek?” Jongdae whined when he had surprised Baekhyun last week, two tickets to Turkey in hand, only to be rejected by a glum Baekhyun.
“I swear you have the worst timing, Kim Jongdae,” Baekhyun groaned. “I have three deadlines! There’s no way I could get a day off, let alone the week off.”
“But it’s Turkey!” Jongdae’s eyes lit up, trying hard to convince Baekhyun. “You know, with the hot air balloons? I’ve booked these tickets like five months ago!”
Baekhyun scratched his head in frustration. He didn’t want to disappoint Jongdae. The little guy had gone out of his way to set up a romantic getaway, the week of their anniversary, using most of his savings, to the place Baekhyun had gushed over for weeks after seeing that one picture Luhan took from a hot air balloon. But work. Deadlines. Three. Hot air balloon. Turkey.
Baekhyun’s exasperation must have shown on his face, because the next thing he knew, Jongdae sighed and wrapped his arms around him.
“It’s okay if you can’t go,” Jongdae whispered as he ruffled Baekhyun’s hair.
“Sorry,” Baekhyun mumbled to Jongdae’s neck as he hugged him back. “You’ve prepared so much.”
Jongdae chuckled. “Yeah, well, you’re kinda needy so I need to prepare a lot.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, stupid,” Jongdae lifted Baekhyun’s chin up and stared at him until Baekhyun smiled slightly. “That’s better. I love you?”
“I love you, Jongdae,” Baekhyun answered with a smile. “You know what, you should go without me. Maybe take Luhan with you?”
It took some (three freaking hours) convincing, but Jongdae finally gave up and agreed to Baekhyun’s request. So that was the plan: Jongdae was going to Turkey, for a week, with Luhan, on what was supposed to be their anniversary trip. Baekhyun parked his car in front of Jongdae’s office and bumped his head on the steering wheel repeatedly for coming up with such a stupid idea.
There was a knock on the driver’s window. Baekhyun looked up and saw Jongdae smiling weakly. Maybe he didn’t really like this idea, either. Baekhyun rolled down his window.
“Hey.”
Baekhyun managed a smile. “Hey.”
Jongdae pressed the back of his hand to Baekhyun’s forehead. “Are you seriously coming down with a fever, now?”
“A little,” Baekhyun mumbled, leaning into Jongdae’s touch. “My body doesn’t like the idea of you going away.”
“Should I not go? I really shouldn’t go, right?” Jongdae asked, worried.
“I’ll be fine,” Baekhyun chuckled. “Let’s get you to the airport.”
“Move over then, I’m driving,” Jongdae opened the door and threw his bag to the backseat. “You should call Chanyeol or Kyungsoo to pick you up from the airport.”
Baekhyun scooted to the passenger seat and put on his seatbelt. He turned to Jongdae to exchange a kiss. “I’m fine, I can drive myself home.”
“Are you sure? Should I ask Kyungsoo to stay at home with you this week?” Jongdae questioned, still unsure about leaving.
Baekhyun kissed his boyfriend’s cheek. “I’m okay, okay? The fever would be gone even before your flight reach Turkey.”
“Okay, if you say so,” Jongdae started the car and they drove in silence. Baekhyun noticed Jongdae stealing concerned glances at him, but he was too sleepy, too tired to comment. His headache was getting worse, and he wondered if he could stay awake to drive back home. Maybe this fever was not so light.
“Be okay, Baek,” Baekhyun vaguely heard Jongdae whispered as he drowsed off.
“I’ll see you soon?” Jongdae pouted as he squeezed Baekhyun’s hands in his.
“I’ll see you in a week,” Baekhyun smiled. “Try to have fun, okay?”
“I really don’t want to go,” Jongdae suddenly said. The fact that his flight was minutes away made him realize that he really, really, didn’t want to go. Plus, Baekhyun is sick, is it really okay to leave him?
“Don’t be silly, Jongdae,” Baekhyun said with a laugh.
“But it’s our anniversary!”
Baekhyun leaned in and kissed Jongdae. It was warm and soft, and everything Jongdae needed at the moment. It felt so good that Jongdae wished Baekhyun would slip up and beg him not to go.
“Happy early anniversary,” Baekhyun smiled as he parted their lips slightly, foreheads still pressed together. “It will still be our anniversary even if we’re apart, right?”
Jongdae nodded slowly, eyes shut tight. “I’ll miss you.”
“I miss you already.”
“You lovebirds ready to go?” Luhan tugged on Jongdae’s sleeve, pulling him apart from Baekhyun. Jongdae almost cried at the loss of touch. “We’re boarding.”
Baekhyun let go of Jongdae’s hand and gave him a reassuring smile. He turned to Luhan, “Take care of him, okay? Don’t let him eat too much.”
Luhan laughed as Jongdae pouted at his boyfriend. “We’ll be fine, Baekhyun,” Luhan said. “You go take care of your deadlines and your fever!”
“I will,” Baekhyun smiled at Luhan. He turned to the gloomy boy beside Luhan and stepped forward.
Jongdae kept his sad expression as Baekhyun fixed his hair and snapback for him. “You should smile, you know. It will be a great trip.”
“Not without you, no,” Jongdae sulked. “Are you sure you can’t go? I’ve snuck your passport in your bag if you suddenly want to.”
Baekhyun laughed. “No, silly, you go,” he smiled. “I’ll wait for your hot air balloon instagram update.”
Jongdae stayed silent and looked down, as Luhan tugged his hands and motioned to Baekhyun to speed things up; they needed to board right away. Baekhyun lifted Jongdae’s chin up and used the younger’s staring technique until Jongdae showed a hint of smile. “There you go. I love you?”
“I love you, Baekhyun.”
I haven’t seen you in a while now. Can you hear me when I whisper your name at nights? Because I still do that. Not a single night went by without your name leaving my lips; be it in my prayers or in my dreams.
I remember waking up at midnights from these nightmares in which you were gone. Only I could never really decide which was worse; the nightmares or waking up to the fact that you really weren’t here anymore. I’d cry but I can’t. Maybe I’ve run out of tears. I miss you so much. It hurts. Sometimes I wish I were gone instead of you. But mostly I wish we were together; I don’t really care if it’s here together or gone together.
But like I told you, no need to worry about me. I used to be miserable but I was never suicidal. I know you call me dumb all the time, but really, I know you better than anyone. I’m smart enough to know that you’d want me to live up to our infamous happiness. And I told you, I tried. I’m not quite there yet, but I promise you I will be. Although happiness will never be the same, because you, you used to be my very definition of happiness, and now that you’re gone I’m going to need to redefine. But I’ll come up with something. Soon.
The first thing Jongdae did when their flight landed in Hong Kong for transit was take out his phone. He dialed Baekhyun’s number, and frowned at the screen when Baekhyun didn’t pick up for the third time. Jongdae wondered if Baekhyun was asleep already, but it was only 1 AM in Korea, and Baekhyun was supposed to be working on his deadline. Plus, it was their anniversary. Baekhyun was not much of a romantic, but staying up to say happy anniversary was definitely not too much to ask.
Luhan excused himself to the restroom, and Jongdae sat down on one of the airport benches. He started checking his messages, and still, none from Baekhyun.
From: Freakishly Tall Dude
hey J, something came up. gimme a call when u land.
From: Squishy Little Man
jongdae, call me when u land.
Not even one day gone, and you guys miss me already, huh? Jongdae smiled smugly as he pondered which one of the two to call first. He decided on calling Chanyeol.
“Jongdae?” Chanyeol’s deep voice picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, Yeol, what’s up?”
“Where are you?”
“Hong Kong, three hours of transit here,” Jongdae answered. “Is Kyungsoo there? He asked me to call too.”
“He’s here,” Chanyeol answered hurriedly. “Listen, Jongdae.”
The urgency in Chanyeol’s voice was making Jongdae worried. He then remembered the fact that Baekhyun was down with that fever, and that the guy didn’t pick up his phone call. Oh. “Chanyeol, what is it?”
“It’s Baekhyun.”
Jongdae felt a pang in his heart. Is it the fever? Is he coming down with something worse?
“He was in an accident, Jongdae,” Chanyeol’s voice cracked. Jongdae’s whole body felt numb. “He drove his car to a tree. We’re in the hospital right now, he’s in surgery.”
Everything else felt like a blur to Jongdae. He remembered Luhan coming back to find him sobbing uncontrollably, head between his knees. Luhan had to call Chanyeol himself to understand what was happening.
“Jongdae, listen,” Luhan said as he wrapped his arms around Jongdae to calm the latter. “I’ll try to find you the earliest flight back to Seoul, okay?”
Jongdae nodded as quickly as his head would allow him. Please, please, please, God, let Baek be okay.
Luhan came back a couple of minutes later, a ticket in his hand. “I can only get one ticket, it’s leaving in half an hour,” he handed Jongdae the ticket and brushed the younger male’s hair with worry. “Will you be okay, Jongdae? I’ll follow you on the next flight.”
“It’s okay,” Jongdae found his voice. “Thank you, hyung.”
If it wasn’t for that car crash, maybe we could finally go ride that stupid hot air balloon together. Or maybe we’d just be too broke and lazy and we’ll eat pizza in that dirty couch of ours. Maybe we'd get to celebrate another birthday together on a random July day like we always do. Maybe I’d finally cook for you. Maybe we’d be married.
There are only so much what-ifs and maybes I can come up with. They still wouldn’t be true, because I’ve spent the last year trying to accept that you’re not coming back. And it’s okay, I suppose. I’m okay with it, as long as you promise you’re happy.
I love you, Jongdae. So much.
The light was blinding when Baekhyun squinted his eyes open. He adjusted to the light and turned to his left and right, taking in his surroundings. There was a sharp pain on the left side of his head and he let out a small whimper.
“Baek?” Kyungsoo’s voice came up from his left, hoarse from crying. “Oh my god Baek, thank god!”
“Soo?” Baekhyun voiced. He noticed Kyungsoo was busy shaking another figure sleeping on the couch. Chanyeol.
“Baekhyun, thank god!” Chanyeol tried his best to give him a hug considering their position, and Baekhyun noted that the tall guy had his eyes red and bleary. He had been crying, too.
“What happened?” Baekhyun questioned. “Am I in a hospital? How long was I out?”
“You crashed your car,” Kyungsoo answered, his hands brushing the sides of Baekhyun’s face, a hint of relief graced his tired expression. “It’s been five days now.”
Baekhyun stirred and looked around. Every inch of his body hurt.
“Are you okay, Baek?” Kyungsoo asked him worriedly, as Chanyeol went to find someone to check his condition.
“It’s okay,” Baekhyun replied with a wince. “Soo? Where’s Jongdae?”
Baekhyun thought he saw Kyungsoo’s face hardened, and maybe he also noticed Chanyeol flinching when he heard his question. But their conversation was cut short when a doctor came in to check on Baekhyun.
“You need to rest, now,” the doctor said as he finished with his examinations. “I’ll give you some painkiller and something to help you sleep.”
Baekhyun could hear Kyungsoo talking to Chanyeol as the doctor leave his room. “I can’t tell him, please,” he said. What can’t you tell me, Baekhyun thought of asking. But his eyes were heavy and his body was light, and once again he fell into the darkness of his slumber.
Baekhyun dreamt of Jongdae. Jongdae had always been dreamy to him, but it had been a while since he was in his dream.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” Jongdae replied, beaming. “Happy anniversary!”
Baekhyun smiled. He almost forgot. “Happy anniversary.”
“Are you okay, Baek?”
“My whole body hurts,” Baekhyun admitted. “How come you’re not around?”
Jongdae replied with a simple smile. He reached for Baekhyun’s hands and laced their fingers. “Hey, Baek?”
Baekhyun looked at Jongdae, who was smiling brightly at his direction. He couldn’t remember Jongdae being this adorable since a long time ago.
“I need to go, now,” Jongdae said. “You should wake up. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol might have something to tell you.”
“Wait,” Baekhyun blurted. He wasn't normally good at goodbyes.
Jongdae gave him a reassuring smile, and moved forward to kiss him. “Be happy, okay? I love you, Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun didn’t get to answer. He woke up, still lying on the same hospital bed. Kyungsoo was asleep on his right side, and Chanyeol was fumbling with his phone on the nearby couch.
It was Luhan who realized Baekhyun had been awake. “Baekhyun?”
“Luhan hyung,” Baekhyun greeted him feebly. “You’re back? Where’s Jongdae?”
Chanyeol and Luhan exchanged a look. Kyungsoo lifted his head up, he was always a light sleeper, and held Baekhyun’s hand.
Baekhyun looked around in confusion as the three of them approached his bed, everyone reaching for a spot to hold him-Luhan pressed his hand on Baekhyun’s thigh and Chanyeol his shoulder. “Listen, Baekhyun,” Luhan started slowly. “Jongdae’s not coming back.”
Baekhyun wondered how it was possible for his heart to hurt more than his body did. He had broken ribs and stitches on his head, but his heart, his heart had a gaping hole.
Jongdae’s plane never reached Seoul, they said. There was a crash, and Jongdae only made it home two days later, his body cold and stiff, and lifeless. Jongdae had hundreds of people in his funeral, they said. Everyone loved Jongdae; despite his reputation of being a rather thoughtless prankster, Jongdae was undoubtedly one of the nicer guys in the world. Everybody loved Jongdae more than they let him know.
They had told him that it hurt, although maybe less than how it hurt for Baekhyun, how they had to bury one friend, while another was lying critical in the hospital. Chanyeol earnestly told him, in tears, that there was a point he wished Baekhyun would just die, too, because he didn’t think he could tell Baekhyun what happened to Jongdae. But he said sorry, and promised Baekhyun they’d help him live, because that’s what Jongdae would have wanted.
Baekhyun cried until he couldn’t cry anymore. Luhan and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol let him, because that was what they had been doing, too. Luhan whimpered every time they mentioned Jongdae’s flight, thinking that it was his fault for getting him on the plane. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol regretted not picking Baekhyun up from the airport. Baekhyun cried, and cried again.
Until he couldn’t cry anymore.
I can’t believe it’s been a year; it’s a miracle that I can even function without you. You must be looking out for me, huh? Thank you, silly.
I love you, Jongdae. I love you so much, it hurts.
Happy supposed-to-be-second anniversary. It is still our anniversary even if we’re apart, right?
- Baekhyun