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17. What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it?
i actually recently wrote about this here https://43tags.livejournal.com/139900.html
18. Describe 5 things you want to see or do before it’s too late.
1) live in this specific house (even if it's just as a guest for a couple weeks). For some reason i walked by this house a couple years ago and it stuck in my head https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/214-3rd-Ave-S-Franklin-TN-37064/42634757_zpid/
2) drive up Hwy 208 or the other curvy one super fast in a speedy sports car (once again, fine if it's just a loaner)
3) participate in any capacity in a feature length movie (indy or Hollywood) - hopefully in a producer/editor/videographer role, hopefully somewhere overseas
4) go to the awards ceremony for said movie - even if it's just some indy circuit. I mean LA would be cool and all but let's face it, nothing but overpriced cat foeces coming out of that corner of the world at this time
5) go to a BG tournament or other type game in Cannes
19. Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you?
I really don't even care to dignify these sorts of questions. They presume that there's some ideal path you strayed from long ago where at the end of the day no path is perfect or takes you to some sort of Elysium that you tragically avoided because you' don't rate, and all this ideation really accomplishes is distract you from being present in the NOW and invalidating whatever path you're actually on (YOU v. some overvalued celebrity or hyperprivileged tard or shitty little instagram influencer)
sure i coulda been more sociable kind confident kept up appearances more taken Ritalin instead of bombing school had a lobotomy drank less volunteered more found Jesus sucked up to (or sucked off) rich people more dealt with my hostile attribution bias in therapy saved my pennies gotten a nose job stopped cussing stayed in school read more Bridezilla less more drugs fewer drugs more writing less writing kept a schedule said NO more said YES more acted more analyzed less kept better house kept less clutter did yoga daily learned programming back in the 90s stayed in graphic design stayed at that one job or if not that job at least that other job kept my options open made a decision sooner been more principled been less idealistic marketed myself more marketed myself less cut up the credit cards travelled less travelled more learned to budget or live off Ramen practiced every day because that's how you get to Carnegie Hall
but at the end where would that have got me? And would it be better than now? Really? No.... some things would be better, but other things that are good NOW would suck or not exist. And would that be or have been a good trade-off?
next
20. Write about your greatest fear.
an interesting convo i had the other day was about what exactly IS fear? J says there's really no such thing as fear save in a life threatening context. IE you're on death row or the tiger's about to eat you or you just learned you have colon cancer. IE a direct and present danger to your existence. According to him and the folks at Landmark Forum he visited with for a while most people misattribute and mislabel random aversion, random dislikes, and worst-case-scenario thinking with the term Fear.
I see his point but i know he's wrong in regards to what the general population considers fear-inducing. Some people are terrified of having a shabbier house than their neighbor. Or terrified of going out in the street with unkempt hair. Or terrified that their co-workers don't like them. Or terrified when they don't have a month's saving in the bank or mattress. Or terrified when a cop drives down the road while they're in the car. I mean, I have seen it. As well I understand that for certain people used to a certain standard of living, these things do present a clear and present danger of losing status which becomes a slipery slope that means death and destruction. Loss of status, loss of income, loss of condition, loss of life.
J and I don't fear the same things others fear, but at least I allow that others do have those fears, for legitimate reasons.
in a physiological sense it could go either way - fear is considered an autonomic parasympathetic (or sympathetic? dunno) response to a perceived/actual threat involving raised heart beat, sweat, dilated pupils, racing thoughts, and at times crying. And yes, this indeed occurs in life threatening conditions but it can just as well occur to those who let their random worst-case-scenario garden-variety unpleasantness of life things get the better of them (IE Anxiety disordered people)
so in the end it's just a question of semantics
He thinks the distinction is important because words have power and as soon as you label something with the word Fear you instantly become more averse to it, and it snowballs so that you become afraid of everything, and next thing you know, you're a shell of a human being. IE you lose perspective. Because in fact going out in the street with bed hair or having a yard full of dandelions are NOT that big a deal, and next thing you know you're wasting precious inner resources on shit that just does not matter.
On the other hand, he always underestimates the importance of the small but endless little allowances we have to do to fit into society, play by the rules, be accepted into the sorts of societies or circles that would create the sorts of relationships that would allow us to gather more resources, etc, so that's a constant bone of contention.
so, all that just to say that once again this question for me is like 'huh' because, without a clear and present danger present, it's hard for me to really conceive of fear, or My Greatest Fear, or anything like that. It's like indulging in dreaming up ghosts just to spook myself, something that doesn't appeal to me
there's plenty of stuff i am averse to, or don't like. I don't really like being the odd one out but I tolerate it because it happens often enough. I don't like being cold, hungry, unable to afford stuff. I would not like to be confronted by a fascist militia or a hungry tiger. I would not want to get sick, or break my leg, so I avoid extreme sports or really unhealthy habits. I always think about not having as much $ as I would like, or the fact the landlord might decide to sell the house and get rid of us, or the people at my job decide i suck and buh bye, or that there will be aspects of my personality that i will never be able to develop, but none of that is like a greatest fear
I guess the two things that I do react viscerally to are
1. sickness. I have a fear of being or becoming terminally ill and I do hypochondriate a lot. I do very much get into that fear space - I would say getting cancer or something is like a greatest fear
2. remaining stagnant. I hate hate hate perceiving stagnation or that stuff is the same or that I'm not making any kind of progress. I would honestly prefer things to catastrophically crash and burn than to remain the same. Even if it's just inner change, I need to feel/know that I'm changing or evolving somehow
but is that really a greatest fear? I dunno... interesting