(no subject)
S.A.D. kicking it in overdrive and killing my buzz.
Multiple past mistakes and losses riding harder then a cow boy in swade.
Mulitple things pissing me off (that really sholudnt) like people being smart enough to from setences but too fucking stupid to realize that they probably shouldnt.
And all of this, teadering on the idea that i cannot be happy.. That there is this constant force inside me drawing my actions towards those that bring chaos, disorder, and misery into my life because of some obsession with emotional masicism.
Examples of such.
Looking at pictures of old friends good. Crying bad.
Looking at the contents of the vending machine eventhough it says out of order. OK. Seriously pondering trying to reach your hand in and grab some goodies. BAD.
Having a drink after work. Ok. having a fifth. EEk.
And this feeling of emptiness makes me devious. Makes me want to lash out at dirty glances and aquward stares. Makes me want to slit throats for brused skin. Makes me want to right every injustice in my life with eathier self mutilation or violance. And it bothers me.
It bothers me that i am extreamly happy with terri but still check out other people. And not just check them out, but like ponder interactions and exchanges. And while this in itself probably isnt all that bad, the next step to the natural order of things is getting the phone number.
I shouldnt be pressed about kelly for a flat fucking second. He treated me like shit when lauren came around (although it isnt even close to her fault, and i dont blame her for a second. I never have. And i never will).. He manopolized my time, money, energy, and anything else he deemd fit at the time until he found something else to occupy it with. Or atleast that is what i like to believe to sleep easier at night.. he fucking called my parents mom and dad. we use to have fun together.. and while i would like to think that when he comes back from his dads that everything can go back to normal, i know that it cant. and i have promised myself time and time again that i could just let it fucking go and move past it.. like an adult or something. but wont allow myself to. like its some pressing unfishied business or something. and its aggrivating more then anything. that, and it kind of breaks my heart to hear my ask how her other son is doing.. and having to tell her that we stil arent on speaking terms. whatever.
i got something for lindsey in the mail the other day.. seems that she got pulled over and got busted without insurance. seems he had a court date to dispute it that she never showed up for. so part of me wants to throw it away so she gets a warrent out for her arrest.. and then phone in an annoumous tip that she is dealing drugs or something. know here her house is to egg it. and know the licence plate number on her car. and i know that i am above all of this. that i am better then it. and that i wouldnt do it for the simple fact that karmatic rebounds could be quite trecherious. but part of me really wishes that it wasnt beneath me at the momoent.. especially because she is still talking her shit.
i am off to bed.. terri is sleeping.. and looking peaceful. and after an eleven hour shift on two hours of sleep. i an envious.
P.S.
I really feel like i am loosing IQ points faster then a herione adict looses brain cells. Must take corrective action.
Multiple past mistakes and losses riding harder then a cow boy in swade.
Mulitple things pissing me off (that really sholudnt) like people being smart enough to from setences but too fucking stupid to realize that they probably shouldnt.
And all of this, teadering on the idea that i cannot be happy.. That there is this constant force inside me drawing my actions towards those that bring chaos, disorder, and misery into my life because of some obsession with emotional masicism.
Examples of such.
Looking at pictures of old friends good. Crying bad.
Looking at the contents of the vending machine eventhough it says out of order. OK. Seriously pondering trying to reach your hand in and grab some goodies. BAD.
Having a drink after work. Ok. having a fifth. EEk.
And this feeling of emptiness makes me devious. Makes me want to lash out at dirty glances and aquward stares. Makes me want to slit throats for brused skin. Makes me want to right every injustice in my life with eathier self mutilation or violance. And it bothers me.
It bothers me that i am extreamly happy with terri but still check out other people. And not just check them out, but like ponder interactions and exchanges. And while this in itself probably isnt all that bad, the next step to the natural order of things is getting the phone number.
I shouldnt be pressed about kelly for a flat fucking second. He treated me like shit when lauren came around (although it isnt even close to her fault, and i dont blame her for a second. I never have. And i never will).. He manopolized my time, money, energy, and anything else he deemd fit at the time until he found something else to occupy it with. Or atleast that is what i like to believe to sleep easier at night.. he fucking called my parents mom and dad. we use to have fun together.. and while i would like to think that when he comes back from his dads that everything can go back to normal, i know that it cant. and i have promised myself time and time again that i could just let it fucking go and move past it.. like an adult or something. but wont allow myself to. like its some pressing unfishied business or something. and its aggrivating more then anything. that, and it kind of breaks my heart to hear my ask how her other son is doing.. and having to tell her that we stil arent on speaking terms. whatever.
i got something for lindsey in the mail the other day.. seems that she got pulled over and got busted without insurance. seems he had a court date to dispute it that she never showed up for. so part of me wants to throw it away so she gets a warrent out for her arrest.. and then phone in an annoumous tip that she is dealing drugs or something. know here her house is to egg it. and know the licence plate number on her car. and i know that i am above all of this. that i am better then it. and that i wouldnt do it for the simple fact that karmatic rebounds could be quite trecherious. but part of me really wishes that it wasnt beneath me at the momoent.. especially because she is still talking her shit.
i am off to bed.. terri is sleeping.. and looking peaceful. and after an eleven hour shift on two hours of sleep. i an envious.
P.S.
I really feel like i am loosing IQ points faster then a herione adict looses brain cells. Must take corrective action.