History Lesson
Yes, it's long. But if you read the whole thing, you should be amused.
First, I think it is necessary for me to explain my Western Civ teacher's style. The best I think I can explain it is if you can imagine someone from SNL teaching a history class. Her rants and stories are the most entertaining the I've ever witnessed coming from a teacher. Ever. She is by far my favorite teacher of all time.
On with the history lesson.
Napolean Bonaparte was born on August 15, 1769 in Corsica. He was schooled at Brienne-le-Château, an extremely prestigious military academy. His major field of study there was artillery. As he was promoted through the ranks based on merit, an enlightenment idea, he began to be respected more and more in the military world. He became a brigadier general by the age of 24. He was a masterful military man.
After gaining so much popularity he was eventually able to seize power from the Directory. He crowned himself Emperor Napolean on December 2, 1804. He waged many, many successful military campaign across Europe. After taking over a good deal of eastern and western Europe, he decided to try and take Britain. Bad idea. Napolean did not have a navy. Instead of trying to battle them in the conventional sense, he imposed an economic blockade. He figured that if he isolated them from the rest of Europe, they would starve and give up. Britain was better than he thought. It had many colonies with which to still trade with, so they never starved. In fact, it hurt the rest of Europe more than it hurt them. Meanwhile, Russia, which relied a great deal on trade with Britain, began getting quite upset with the economic blockade Napolean had introduced.
Russia said, "Fuck you, Napolean." Napolean said, "Hey, don't do that." "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!", said Russia. Napolean attacks Russia with 600,000 troops. Russia does what it's best at, it retreats. It has a lot of land to back up into. While the Russians are retreating, they are burning everything along the way. One of Napoleans strategies that had worked for him so well in the past was to have his troops forage for food, thus not having to take it with them. This helped them move much faster. It did not affect the French troops too much on the way in.
They make it all the way to Moscow. The Czar is not there, and refuses to come there and give up. So the French stay in Moscow, waiting for Czar Alexander I, the grandson of Catherine the Great, to come back and surrender. He never does. The governor of the Russian area decides that he doesn't want the French there anymore. He burns Moscow to the ground. Now the French have no home base. They flee.
On there way back through the same scorched earth that they had come from, they begin to starve and freeze. The Russian peasants start forming large geurilla groups. They start attacking the retreating French. Killing them and taking there equipment. By the time the French make it back to France, of the 600,000 troops that had left, 30,000 were left.
The rest of Europe takes this opportunity to attack France. The take Napolean out of power and exile him to Elba. After staying in Elba for a short while, some of Napoleans buddies decide that they liked him better than the current rule, so they bring him back and help him form a new army. When Napolean finally gets to Waterloo, he is expected to win, due to his military genius.
Napolean, in his past battles, had always been one to be right in the middle of the battle in order to have the best viewpoint to conduct. He would most often ride a horse in battle. It is said that he had up to 19 horses shot out from under him, in total, during his military career. Unfortuneately, he would not be able to ride his horse at Waterloo. You see, Napolean was said to have had a severe case of hemerroids at the time, disabling him from riding a horse into the mix, where he would be able to best conduct his forces.
Napolean loses. And it is all because nobody had invented Preparation H yet. What would the world be like if Preparation H had been available? Would we all be speaking French right now? We may never know.
PS - I'm such a nerd.
First, I think it is necessary for me to explain my Western Civ teacher's style. The best I think I can explain it is if you can imagine someone from SNL teaching a history class. Her rants and stories are the most entertaining the I've ever witnessed coming from a teacher. Ever. She is by far my favorite teacher of all time.
On with the history lesson.
Napolean Bonaparte was born on August 15, 1769 in Corsica. He was schooled at Brienne-le-Château, an extremely prestigious military academy. His major field of study there was artillery. As he was promoted through the ranks based on merit, an enlightenment idea, he began to be respected more and more in the military world. He became a brigadier general by the age of 24. He was a masterful military man.
After gaining so much popularity he was eventually able to seize power from the Directory. He crowned himself Emperor Napolean on December 2, 1804. He waged many, many successful military campaign across Europe. After taking over a good deal of eastern and western Europe, he decided to try and take Britain. Bad idea. Napolean did not have a navy. Instead of trying to battle them in the conventional sense, he imposed an economic blockade. He figured that if he isolated them from the rest of Europe, they would starve and give up. Britain was better than he thought. It had many colonies with which to still trade with, so they never starved. In fact, it hurt the rest of Europe more than it hurt them. Meanwhile, Russia, which relied a great deal on trade with Britain, began getting quite upset with the economic blockade Napolean had introduced.
Russia said, "Fuck you, Napolean." Napolean said, "Hey, don't do that." "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!", said Russia. Napolean attacks Russia with 600,000 troops. Russia does what it's best at, it retreats. It has a lot of land to back up into. While the Russians are retreating, they are burning everything along the way. One of Napoleans strategies that had worked for him so well in the past was to have his troops forage for food, thus not having to take it with them. This helped them move much faster. It did not affect the French troops too much on the way in.
They make it all the way to Moscow. The Czar is not there, and refuses to come there and give up. So the French stay in Moscow, waiting for Czar Alexander I, the grandson of Catherine the Great, to come back and surrender. He never does. The governor of the Russian area decides that he doesn't want the French there anymore. He burns Moscow to the ground. Now the French have no home base. They flee.
On there way back through the same scorched earth that they had come from, they begin to starve and freeze. The Russian peasants start forming large geurilla groups. They start attacking the retreating French. Killing them and taking there equipment. By the time the French make it back to France, of the 600,000 troops that had left, 30,000 were left.
The rest of Europe takes this opportunity to attack France. The take Napolean out of power and exile him to Elba. After staying in Elba for a short while, some of Napoleans buddies decide that they liked him better than the current rule, so they bring him back and help him form a new army. When Napolean finally gets to Waterloo, he is expected to win, due to his military genius.
Napolean, in his past battles, had always been one to be right in the middle of the battle in order to have the best viewpoint to conduct. He would most often ride a horse in battle. It is said that he had up to 19 horses shot out from under him, in total, during his military career. Unfortuneately, he would not be able to ride his horse at Waterloo. You see, Napolean was said to have had a severe case of hemerroids at the time, disabling him from riding a horse into the mix, where he would be able to best conduct his forces.
Napolean loses. And it is all because nobody had invented Preparation H yet. What would the world be like if Preparation H had been available? Would we all be speaking French right now? We may never know.
PS - I'm such a nerd.