alive.... but dead

[bbos_aphi]

So I have spent the last few months just as I have said, "Alive but dead". I am working on getting though it all but it seems virtually impossible.Faith is the most difficult thing for me. I just wanna be with my Grandma and have her protect me. I want to take care of her. I want all the things I have dreamed of doing for and with her to come true. I am so tired of seeing everything work out for so many people and all i wanted to do in life was take care of the women who took care of me and I cant because she is gone. Why is it that the drug dealer on the corner can go visit his mother any time of day and chooses not to and I want to and I cant.. poor analogy im sure.. but who cares. All I am saying is I miss her. More than words. More than anything. I want to hear her voice and see her smile. Laugh with her, cry with her. I am so lonely without her... I know there are options...things that I have to decide sooner or later, but if I had the option to die today and be with her I wouldnt think twice.

Sorry i am a whiner...just thinking.