Looking Back.... JT.11
It took a while for things to get back to normal between us. Ennis was still angry, even after his revenge, and although I knew I had no right to be mad, I was still pretty pissy too. But at least Ennis was back in our bed, so we were on the slow, messy climb out of hell and back to normal. After three or four nights of nothing, I gave up on being Mr. Patient and woke him up in the middle of the night with a hand job that turned into me climbing on top and sliding down on his dick and letting him fuck me for as long and as hard as he wanted. Things got better after that, although there was a distance there that hadn’t been there before, like Ennis was holding himself just a bit apart from me. I didn’t like it, but it wasn’t something either of us could fix - only time and good behavior would chase it away.
We went home for a few days at Christmas. It was just us - the extended family stayed in Georgia. The del Mar’s were going to visit them for a few days between Christmas and New Year’s. My present to Dr. D. was four tickets to the Orange Bowl, which Coach had helped me get. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be my last college game or not - I was still fidgeting on both sides of the fence - but either way, it was a big game and I’d just won the most prestigious award in college football. I wanted somebody who cared about me there.
I also gave him my trophy, not as a present, but just for safe-keeping, since me and Ennis didn’t have a mantle or a bookshelf to put it on, plus, it was carrying around a load of pretty nasty karma as far as we were concerned, and we didn’t really want to look at it every day. Dr. D. was thrilled and stuck it on the big bookshelf in the living room, next to some of our other honors and awards, where it’s still sitting to this very day.
They all left for Atlanta after Christmas Day brunch, leaving me and Ennis to clean up the wrapping paper and put together doll beds and try to fix ourselves the rest of the way. I wished there was some instructions for that - even the bassackwards shit that came with the doll beds would’ve been better than nothing. We ate ham sandwiches and watched boring TV and fucked, and we even went to a couple of parties, but nothing seemed important or real enough to knock us out of our funk and put us all the way back together again. I was beginning to be afraid that I’d broken us in a way we’d never recover from.
*****
Dr. D. loaded up his dad, his brother and Fred, and they all road-tripped down to Miami for the game, almost a twelve hour drive from Atlanta. The university sent a couple of busloads of students and Ennis and Bill rode down on those, an even longer ride which had to have been miserable. The team flew so we’d have time to settle in, practice and rest.
We kicked ass. It was one of my best games ever, but not just me - the whole team was on fire. It was amazing. The other team was good, too. It wasn’t like we totally stomped on an inferior group of guys. You don’t get to the Orange Bowl without having something on the ball. That day, though, we had it all going on and they couldn’t even get their foot in the door, much less put any kind of hurt on us.
Afterwards, when the on-the-field guys got a hold of me for an interview, I was almost too excited to talk to them. My school spirit was raging and all I really wanted to do was run around the field and scream, but I reined it in and tried to listen to the reporter. He started out talking about my record that year and the fact that I’d won the Heisman, and I just nodded and grinned through all that, but then he said, “In your acceptance speech in New York, you mentioned two families who helped you out when, in your own words, your life went south. As you can imagine, that comment got our attention. Your life has been a bit of a mystery to the sports fans. What can you tell us about the del Mar’s and the Connell’s and how they helped you out?”
I wasn’t planning to out my mother’s husband as being the giant, crazed asshole that he was, but I was also tired of always fending the question of where my parents were. I’d made those comments in New York knowing they’d generate questions and even through my haze of excitement, I wanted to answer them, just to get it over with.
“Things just got bad at home, between my dad and me mostly. He’s a minister. Sports isn’t really his thing, you know. And those folks helped me out. Mr. Connell gave me a job, taught me about fixing cars, which is good to know - it’s probably what I’ll end up doing if I don’t make it in football.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen, Jack,” the reporter said. “After today’s performance, I think you’re place in the future of football is set. How about the del Mar’s? Are they still a part of your life? You mentioned,” he glanced at his notes, “that Ennis is your best friend?”
“Yeah, we played football together in high school, and we’re roommates now at UT. His mom and dad are pretty awesome folks. Heck, Santa even left me some presents under their tree this year!”
“Lucky you! So. What’s next for Jack Twist on the football field?”
I just shrugged. “I hope another winning season, you know? That’s my goal, to get better every year. I wanna be the best I can be at my game.”
He wound it up soon after, but the question he asked stuck in my mind long after the celebrations were over. I only had a couple of weeks to make my decision, and as awesome as my time had been at UT, I couldn’t help but think it was time to move on.
The big question was, would Ennis go with me, or was I leaving on my own?
*****
A week and a half went by before I finally got up the courage to mention it to Ennis, and even then it wasn’t because I finally decided to be brave and take control of my life. No, it was something much more basic than that that got me talking. It was an ice storm.
I was walking from class to my truck. We’d gotten some ice the night before, not enough to close school, just enough to make it dicey getting around. I was coming down the steps, trying to pay attention, when somebody called my name. That was all it took. I looked up, lost my footing, and came down hard. I caught myself with my left hand and could tell immediately that it was going to be sore for a while. If I’d hit much harder, I would’ve probably done some serious damage.
All the way to my on-campus job, I kept looking at my hands. I hadn’t been wearing gloves and there was a bloody scuff mark on my palm and my wrist ached. I looked from my damaged left hand to my undamaged right hand, the hand I threw the ball with, the hand that held my future. Suddenly I didn’t need to think about things anymore.
When I got home that evening, Ennis was already there. I could smell meat cooking - I looked in the kitchen and saw the makings for tacos. There was a pot on the stove and box of Spanish rice on the counter. It was a simple meal, but it was one of my favorites, good and hot and enough to eat as much as I wanted - Ennis always made two pounds of taco meat instead of just one. I didn’t want to leave this - I sure didn’t want to leave him - but I had to get my life going before some fucked up thing happened and I no longer had the chance.
We talked about general stuff while we ate - whatever happened during the day in class or at our jobs, nothing that really mattered, just chit chat. Ennis had talked to his mom and he told me about the news from home while we cleaned up. Once the kitchen was back together and we were all out of things to say, I dug up my reserves of courage and said, “Ennis. I need to talk to you about something.”
He pulled two beers out of the fridge, gave one to me and said, “So. When are you leaving?”
So much for me breaking some shocking news.
“What are you talking about?”
“The draft, Jack. I might not live and breathe football, but I’m not brain dead either. I know the deadline to declare is coming up. You’re gonna do it, aren’t you?”
I took a minute to regroup, because half the shit I thought I was going to have to say was suddenly unnecessary. I took a couple of sips of my beer and a deep breath and said, “I think I have to.”
“Why?” He shrugged, nonchalant. “I’m not trying to change your mind, just curious.”
“It’ll probably sound dumb to you, but I fell today, on the ice, hurt my hand.” I showed him my scraped palm, which didn’t look nearly injured enough to be causing such a huge reaction. He glanced at it, then back at me with an arched eyebrow that screamed, “So?”
“Yeah, I know, it’s nothing, but it coulda been, Ennis. And it coulda been my other hand. What if I broke my wrist and it wouldn’t heal right? What if I got in a car wreck and busted my shoulder or got mugged and some asshole shot me in the arm?” He was leaning against the counter, watching me, his face blank, showing nothing, and it bugged me how unconcerned he was about something that was making me crazy. “Jesus, Ennis, maybe it’s no big deal to you, but it’s all I got! If I can’t play football, I really will be back at that garage working on cars, and I don’t want that.”
He still didn’t say anything, just took another drink of his beer and waited. I wasn’t sure what he was waiting for, what it was I was supposed to say that would get him to give me permission to move on to the next level, and right then I realized that’s basically what I needed. His ok to go.
“It’s time, Ennis. I got nothing left to prove here, and every time I step out on that field could be the last. I just don’t wanna take that chance on missing out, you know?”
He closed his eyes, thinking, I supposed. After a bit he said, “Have you told Coach yet?”
“No. I will, but I wanted to talk to you first.”
“Me? What’s it got to do with me?” He really sounded confused, like he didn’t know.
“Ennis? Hello? We’re not just roommates. I know I fucked up and I know you’re still mad, but Jesus… don’t you even care if I go?”
“Yeah, man, I care, but that don’t seem to factor in here. You’ve already made up your mind on what you need to do, and ok, I can see your point and I don’t blame you, but I’m just a sophomore, Jack, and I need to graduate, ‘cause I can’t make a living any other way. So I guess you gotta do what you gotta do and so do I.”
“Ennis. There’s more schools than just U.T.”
“Yeah, I know, but this is the one I’ve got a scholarship for and I can’t afford tuition and I’m not asking my parents.” He drained his beer and plonked the bottle down on the counter, then crossed his arms over his chest like he was settling in for a siege.
“Seriously? Is that what you’re worried about?” When he glared at me like I was being retarded, I said, “Did you even listen last year when they were announcing the signing bonuses some of those guys got. The Heisman winner last year got a million bucks. I think we can afford tuition with that much money in the bank.”
“That’s your money,” he points out, looking away. “Not mine.”
“Since when’ve we ever had separate money, Ennis?”
“Yeah, I know, but that was different.”
“Why? What’s changed?” Suddenly I was feeling like we were talking about more than just money.
“I don’t wanna be your wife, Jack.” He took his empty bottle and slammed it in the trash. “Especially not the wife you cheat on.”
There it was. I knew we weren’t over it yet. But I also didn’t have a clue how to get us over it.
“What do you want me to do, Ennis? I don’t know how to fix this. I said I’m sorry - you gotta know I meant it. What else can I do?”
He paced outta the kitchen and into the living room, me following slow, giving him room. “I don’t know, Jack. It’s not just her, not just that one time. It’s all the times I didn’t know about, all the crap you did with other people when I wasn’t around that I heard about. People talk, you know.”
“You knew it was gonna be that way, Ennis. You said you could deal with it.”
“Yeah, maybe I did, and for a while I did deal with it, but then I didn’t anymore, and I’m sick to fucking death of it now. We’re too old for that, Jack. My parents were married when they were our age. You think either one of them woulda hung around for that shit?”
“This is different and you goddamn well know it!” I shouted, feeling threatened and not liking it at all.
“No, I don’t! Not anymore!” He was angry too, not holding back. “You made your point, Jack. You screwed around enough that everybody around here knows what a pussy hound you are.” He jabbed his finger at my nose. “Especially me!” he spat, then stalked away.
He was right. I had screwed around. A lot. And somehow I’d convinced myself he either wouldn’t know or wouldn’t care just because I said it didn’t matter, that I was all for show. I forced myself to think about how I’d felt when I saw him with that girl, how knowing that he didn’t care about her hadn’t changed a thing about how bad it was. It was like suddenly seeing my life through his eyes. It sucked.
I sucked.
“I’m sorry,” I said, walking up to stand behind him. He was at the back door, his arms wrapped around himself so that I could see his hands holding his sides, like he had to hold himself together, and if he didn’t he might fly totally apart. His forehead was against the glass and he was looking out into the parking lot where our trucks were parked right next to each other, like they’d been for years now. Our whole life was forged together and I wasn’t ready to let it go, but I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to sign on for more of the same.
“Sorry’s no good anymore, Jack. I can’t be this is anymore, and you don’t need me to be. You go pro, you won’t have homework to worry about, you’ll be able to afford to get somebody to buy your groceries and do your laundry.” He turned around, put his back to the door and locked his eyes with mine. I could see the sadness there, but no weakness. He wasn’t going to back down. “Start over, man. Get a girlfriend. You must like girls - you’ve been with enough of ‘em. Live the life you wanna live. You shouldn’t have to sneak around with me when you can be happier and open with somebody else.”
“You think you know so much about what makes me happy, Ennis, but you don’t. Yeah, maybe I screwed around with way more girls than I needed to, but it was never ‘cause I wanted to. I woulda picked you over them every time, and that’s the truth.” He rolled his eyes and that made me mad. “What was I supposed to do, Ennis?”
Ennis shoved me outta his way and stomped back into the kitchen. “You know, you coulda just been shy, Jack! You coulda just said no when the guys wanted to go to parties and pick up girls. You coulda said you needed to study or you didn’t wanna take a chance on getting in trouble for drinking or on getting a girl knocked up. You coulda done a lot of fucking things besides take off with a handful of rubbers, planning to use ‘em!”
Furious, I turned away and grabbed one of the kitchen chairs and jammed it into the table, causing the whole thing to shudder. I wanted to bash it into the floor, do damage, hurt something, but all I did was yell. “Yeah, and you’re all fulla good ideas now, but you never said a fucking word all this time! Maybe I didn’t think of that shit, Ennis. Maybe I was too worried about trying to fit in to figure out that I coulda done something different!”
“What the fuck is in your head? Wheaties? I know you’re not that stupid, Jack! You coulda figured out a better plan if you’d tried.”
“And you coulda said something. Honest to God, I didn’t think you gave a shit what I did as long as it didn’t get between us.”
“Jack, when you’re fucking other people, it’s gonna get between you and your”
He just stopped talking then, clamped his lips together and turned away.
I wanted to know what he’d been going to say. “My what, Ennis?”
He didn’t look at me again, just shrugged. “I don’t know, Jack. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I’m tired of being nothing.”
The sound of defeat in his voice broke off a piece of my heart. Even knowing he wanted nothing to do with me, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled his back against my chest. “God, Ennis, you’re so far from being nothing that I don’t even know how to leave here and start new without you. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”
“You’re just used to having me take care of things. You can get somebody else for that. It’d be better if you did, Jack.” His voice was a low, deep rumble, sad but resigned.
“I don’t want anybody else, so no, it wouldn’t be better.” I hugged him tight, could feel the hard throb of tension in his body. I rubbed my face against his shoulder, kissed the warm skin of his neck, trying to tell him something with my actions that I didn’t know how to say with words. “What if I did those things you said? What if I didn’t get with girls anymore? I could say I was starting over, just wanted to focus on my game, didn’t wanna get distracted with other stuff.” I squeezed him again till our bodies were smashed together and in that moment I knew that I could do it. If I could have him and only him forever, I’d be fine with that. If I could have everyone else but not him, I would hate my life.
“How long before you cave, Jack? You’re gonna be a big star, they’re gonna want you at parties and events all the time and girls are gonna be crawling all over you, and where’m I gonna be, huh? At home, by myself, watching TV? Maybe with a dog if I’m lucky?”
“Go with me. Guys take their friends to shit all the time.”
“Not the same friend every time.”
“We’ll say you’re my manager, which I guess you will be, since you’re the only one who can balance the check book.” Holding him like that was beginning to distract me from the business of talking, and I licked his neck and tweaked his nipple. “We’ll have our own place - nobody coming by all the time to hang out, no college rules or bullshit to have to deal with. Except for you, ‘cause you gotta keep going to school so you can find out what to do with all our money.” I rubbed my cock in the split of his ass and sighed into his ear. He was startin to ease up in my arms, and when I ran my hand over the front of his jeans, yeah, he was right there with me. “It’ll be a sweet life, Ennis, just you and me. Come on, come with me.”
He huffed out a big, put-upon sigh, like I was really torturing him to the max, then turned around and looped his arms over my shoulders. “You’re evil.” He leaned in and nipped at my lip. “I’ll go, but if it gets fucked up for either one of us, I’m moving out.” He licked my lip where he’d bit me. “You’re still paying for my college, though. Deal?”
“Deal.” I meant every word of it, and as far as girls went, I kept my vow. In the end, it was all the other things that finally wore us down.
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