Bringin em Down Parts I & II a/o 3-26-07 joined together
DISCLAIMER: The characters are Annie Proulx's, not mine. No commercial gain, etc., is intended or aspired to, just admiration and perhaps a personal desire to understand.
TYPE: Strict film canon, not AU.
WHEN WRITTEN:This was written last summer while I sat on the hood of my car and watched cattle shit on the Plains up in Chugwater, Wyoming. I wrote it during the late afternoon before and during the summer sunset. So it was written fast [for me] and what's below is unedited... I tried this week and did such a poor job I threw it all out and decided to post the raw original.
SETTING AND TIME:The story takes place on the last day Jack and Ennis are up on Brokeback Mountain during their first summer.
PAIRING: Jack and Ennis but the Primary character is Jack Twist as he tries to deal himself and what goes on in his own head while he figures out how to handle Ennis with the summer cut short, how to keep Ennis from bolting like the scared colt he is...and fails. I was trying to get into Jack's head as another guy.There is only so much a male can write about another male's head before it gets completely ridiculous and fake, we think a great deal in situations like this yet most is repetitious variations on a theme.
LENGTH: 3 chapters.
BRINGIN EM DOWN
Chapter One
JACK TWIST didn't know what to do.
When Joe Aguirre had ridden up that morning to say bring the sheep down early, he'd felt cold fear from God's finger touch him on the shoulder. A light touch. Enough to freeze his gut. He'd started breaking camp, didn't know what else to do.
It was too soon.
He knew Ennis.
As he bent to pick up their coffee pot, Jack felt the weight of the mountain drop onto his back. All these weeks Brokeback had been Jack's friend. THEIR friend. He straightened up, feeling foolish as he did so. The mountain just WAS--no laughter in that wind, no mockery. Only in his mind. 'God, why did it have to snow now, more time, we needed time.' He closed his eyes a moment and wished a nameless wish for he and Ennis while the cold bit deeper into his stomach.
He shivered in the melt, watched snow evaporate in front of his eyes. 'Like Ennis'. But he shoved that thought away. It was up to Jack Twist and nobody but Jack Twist to see that the only person aside from his momma who had ever taken him just the way he was stuck around. How much time had they actually been together? Just a few short weeks. He'd understood and not understood, been clear and confused. One day that first week he'd napped under a tree thinking about Ennis, dick harder then the wood cradling him. He'd unzipped and wrang it out, popped as his mind filled with pictures of Ennis mouth on him. And for once Jack had done something remarkable--he'd seen what he wanted and gone for it without really understanding the how and the why. Jack Twist had followed through, confused but willing. It had taken a month, a slow month where vague signals had become clearer. A month where he'd found the bud of his life, somebody to ride the river with. The bud who'd watch his back.
A bud with a low startle point.
A bud who Jack found himself linking the word love with in his mind. That had brought him up short at first, no way Jack Twist was a queer. Then he'd said fuck it, maybe he could find a way to do this without bein a queer. And very quickly Jack had realised that he didn't give a good goddamned what he was or they were so long as Ennis was there to laugh at his jokes. The dumb sumbitch made fun of his harmonica and Jack laughed right back. He remembered when Ennis said he was a rodeo fuckup. There was truth behind the words with which Ennis accepted him, the fucked up greetin the fuckup. But he'd sensed something else as well. And Jack was right, knew it when he'd seen Ennis not watch him pee the whiskey out. They'd been dancin from day one, missin steps nobody had taught them, and that day, dick in hand while he watched Ennis not watch him, Jack found himself thinkin he was a goin a have Ennis Delmar even if it killed him. It was hard, he'd been hard, he hadn't wanted to fuck it all up. No way he was goin a hurt Ennis, but one way or the other Jack was goin a have Ennis. And keep him. This was not going to end before it started.
He looked closely towards the barren treeline and spotted Ennis ridin Cigar Butt downslope towards camp. Figured he had about 45 minutes to decide what to do. Notion after jumbled notion wore tracks through his head, and not a one of em felt right. Jack packed up, ditching idea after dumb idea while the minutes ran away faster then their time together. He looked again and couldn't see Ennis. Which meant he had about 30 minutes left to figure out how and what to say to the dumb sumbitch. He began to lose it and knew that if he was a mess Ennis would run. Ennis.....
Mr. Practical.
Mr Common Sense.
Grounded whereas Jack tried to fly.
And all at once Jack felt he knew what to say and how to go about saying it. He calmed down much as he could and concentrated on the words while the wind bit through to his chest. He walked with it to camp's edge, found himself looking down onto the Plains below while forced thought followed, one to the other. And suddenly the seared Plain reminded him of Hell itself, his miserable daddy, everything that had ever gone wrong for him. He turned his back on it all and gazed towards the peak of Brokeback, thought the plain was exactly where he should not be but no choice in the matter, a man's got to do what he's got to do...but it was too soon. Just too soon. What he felt for Ennis balanced on the knife edge of Ennis' feeling for him. Jack knew he was loved, let the wind off the mountain slam the door on thoughts that maybe he just wasn't loved enough. Nothing to be done, there was no more time left. You either trusted or didn't.
Act practical. No drama. Ennis hated drama. Just impart the information and be the tender doing his job. Ennis would be surprised, yet a calm Jack could work. They would have all that day and another night to make plans they could live with. What happened then was nobody's business but theirs.
Jack figured there might be 10 minutes until Ennis showed. 'Ten minutes. Ten fuckin minutes.' The thought occurred that he should be occupied when Cigar Butt brought Ennis home so looked around and started towards the campfire. And stopped in his tracks as he remembered packing the coffeepot, everything. How the hell were they supposed to eat? In less time then he could have thought possible Jack ripped the newly packed bale open and pulled it all out again, put brush on the dying fire and stood close as it flared, wondering why. He'd expected nothing on Brokeback. Maybe a bit of fun like last summer at the most, but that's it. Nothing. Instead he'd found a tall skinny blonde his own age who could handle a mount the way Jack said and bragged he could, while knowing otherwise. He remembered his first sight of Ennis Delmar, huddled against Aguirre's trailer. 'Couldn't take my eyes off him while I shaved, best lookin cowboy I ever saw.'Jack had leaned against his cunt of a truck and mumbled SHIT to himself, amazed that anybody who looked so good could be standin in old Aguirre's parking lot. He'd found out the why of that soon enough, but it had been like yankin a coyote's teeth.
He walked to the tent, decided to dismantle it. That didn't have to be done yet but Jack figured it would be his signal to Ennis, that something was up. Easy matter to rehang the canvas. But as it fell onto the cold wet ground Jack's heart almost stopped. He knew what he had to do, was afraid he was wrong, knew he was right, had no choice. He knew Ennis would ride in within moments and took a deep breath, as he unhitched the last loop.
"What're ya doin???" Even Cigar butt snorted.
Jack froze. 'Time's up, now or never' he thought. He kept his voice everyday, spoke the words he'd made while his stomach pulsed quietly showed up.He'd been afraid he'd forget them.
"Aguirre came by again, said my uncle didn't die after all."
He took a deep breath. " Says bring 'em down".
There, done, no girl crap. Sad the summer was over but no big deal. Quietly.
'Just me and Ennis to hear the way I said that, he has to get the way I said that, has to hear what I'm sayin'
It came out just the way he'd wanted it to. He waited, knew there would be questions, steeled himself for the answers. Hoped he'd had enough time to think of good ones.
"Bring 'em down? Why? It's the middle of August."
Stick to the truth:
"Says there's another storm comin, movin in from the Pacific."
His mind said 'OK Look at him now Jack!' so he turned...
"worse then this one."
Ennis was not calm. As he dismounted, Jack could feel the upset pour off him like sweat from the night before...only this time Jack saw that sweat soaked up by the hard ground instead of his own chest. " That snow barely stuck for an hour" Ennis was workin himself up and Jack felt the cold again. He shivered, hoped Ennis hadn't noticed. What returned from Ennis Delmar's mouth was not what he expected.
" Besides, that sonofabitch is cuttin us out of a whole month's pay! It ain't right"
That threw Jack off balance, made him grasp for what to say as he slapped his knees in frustration. Ennis should understand what Jack was doing, yet it was allready off the track.
'I'm as poor as he is and he knows it. It's not just him it's us, it's two of us, he can have everything I got everything I am, just make him understand.' He sent out a wordless prayer and forced himself normal.
" I can spare you a loan bud, if you're short a cash....give it to you when we get to Signal."
He bent to the nameless job then snapped up with the shock of a cinder thrown from the fire as Ennis yelled "I don't need your money! I ain't in the poorhouse!!"
" SHIT!!!"
He kicked the snow . Jack heard him mumble 'goddamn you' , and knew , knew Ennis was turning from everything they'd been, everything they could be.
''So fast, so bad so fast'
His daddy's mean face filled his head, hard ice and cold. Ennis knew how poor Jack was, knew what Jack was sayin, knew what Jack was offerin. He had to. He was dumb but not that dumb. Jack Twist knew contempt,. been brought up with it, heard it in Ennis' angry SHIT!!!... nothing but. He grasped at the nearest pillar, felt confusion, began to bleed, knew what he'd just offered Ennis was being tossed and buried with the trash. Without thinkin, Jack saw Ennis but answered another man's contempt. Back off. Just agree. Keep the fire in the ring. And something sagged in him for
this time it wasn't the old bastard, it was Ennis Delmar who had pissed on Jack's pride:
"Allright."
One word. Jack didn't know many words, but that was one he knew well.
Ennis stiffened as what he heard warped everything Jack didn't know how to say.
Yet he said nothing. 'A log on a log' crossed Jack's thought's as he felt rather then saw his herder sit in silence, felt him disappear. All Jack could think of was confusion and lot's of nothing, because none of this was good, none of this had worked, none of this meant anything. How could Ennis just do NOTHING? Jack felt he was goin crazy, the loneliness...he'd thought it gone forever.
'Am I nuts? Is this what they felt when Thresher sank?'
Ennis would not do this to him, yet he had. Was it over, had it ever started? Could he have been so wrong?
No.
He could not have been so wrong. No way.
END PART ONE
_______________________________________________________________________
BRINGIN EM DOWN
PART TWO--continuous with Part 1, no time gap whatsoever
Current mood: creative
Bringin em Down Part II
DISCLAIMER: The characters are Annie Proulx's, not mine. No commercial gain, etc., is intended or aspired to, just admiration and perhaps a personal desire to understand.
TYPE: Strict film canon, not AU.
WHEN WRITTEN:This was written last summer while I sat on the hood of my car and watched cattle shit on the Plains up in Chugwater, Wyoming. I wrote it during the late afternoon before and during the summer sunset. So it was written fast [for me] and what's below is unedited... I tried this week and did such a poor job I threw it all out and decided to post the raw original.
SETTING AND TIME:The story takes place on the last day Jack and Ennis are up on Brokeback Mountain during their first summer.
PAIRING: Jack and Ennis but the Primary character is Jack Twist as he tries to deal himself and what goes on in his own head while he figures out how to handle Ennis with the summer cut short, how to keep Ennis from bolting like the scared colt he is...and fails. I was trying to get into Jack's head as another guy.There is only so much a male can write about another male's head before it gets completely ridiculous and fake, we think a great deal in situations like this yet most is repetitious variations on a theme.
LENGTH: OKOKOK--I know it takes me forever, especially since this was written already. But this time I did edit it and think I did a good job---is this confidence??lol
Instead of 2 chapters it's 3. And no you wont wait that long this time, I know what I don't like about what i did with the Fight and am allready reworking it....Jack
BRINGIN EM DOWN PART II
Jack was numb. 'I'm feelin so many things I don't have no words for that I'm feelin nothin.'
And thats all it took. A thought.
His heart, his mind, his body... everything which said "I am Jack Twist" screamed like a leg
unused to movement. It had blown up in his face, all of it, life collapsing in under 3 minutes.
Methodically he packed up the campsite. It was something to do, something to deaden the
pain and bring order to the confusion of his heart.
It was what Aguirre paid him for. Pack up. Pack it in. All of it.
As the pile of their supplies dwindled with Jack's now slow and steady moves, he wondered
again why his pride had no stayin power, marvelled sadly that one word from someone he
cared about could collapse him like wet paper. Jack thought back to the worse thing in his
life before today, the night his father pissed all over him. He remembered back to how he'd
felt, remembered his confusion as life...warped. No other word for it....wanting to run, unable
to run, scared, angry, forced to stand and take it as beerpiss splashed, dripped, ran away
from his child's skin as if it was ashamed to be there, forced to clean it all up with his
jammies... made to stand there and put his filthy urine-drenched clothing back on by a
nothing of a man Jack called daddy. A bastard who had triumphantly passed the torch to a 4
year old boy, a boy who15 years later thought daddy may have been right: Jack Twist
WAS nothing. He remembered the sweet toilet-stench that was his fathers love polluting his
mind...and almost made a connection. Almost. Found himself thinkin out a nowhere that Ennis
Del Mar was not his bastard daddy and scratched his head, wonderin where such a crazy
thought had come from.
Yet here he was up on Brokeback , feeling like Ennis had just pissed on his head instead of
John Twist. He almost opened his mouth at that point, was goin to tell Ennis all quiet-like that
the last time he'd felt like this his father had beat him and pissed on him when he was 4 years
old, let Ennis take it from there, but out of the corner of his eye Jack saw Ennis had moved
away from him, was walkin by himself on the edge of the cliff...
Jack felt stupid. After all, he said nothing. And while he would one day confide to Ennis the
full story of that miserable night, by feeling stupid on this day Jack gained the great blessing
of not knowing he had missed an opportunity which would never again come for either of
them.
Ennis' had damned near castrated him. Jack knew it. His mind pictured Ennis between his
legs, teeth grabbing what made him a man, oblivious as Jack's heart screamed NO while the
love of his life bit deep and spitting the bloodstained remnants of Jack's manhood onto the
uncaring cupped recesses of the mountain...Jack stood still for a moment and let loose a
silent scream of pain and blood.
He turned and lit a cigarette, eyes wide shut as the burst of smoke caught them past the
rotting tips of the Tetons into God's Vault. He looked into it an endless moment, throat
breaking the massive silence as a soft '...why...' vented from his chest.
He turned his head away while rubbing his eyes, saw Ennis through the prism of his
mindsparks, walking on the low rise next to their camp. He was watching Jack, who froze
and once again thought 'Act Normal'--as if this WAS normal, which it sure as hell
wasn't--grabbed the grill and packed it. He didn't look back to Ennis, and swiftly finished
with the remains of the camp. 'No way I will look bad to him, no way. Just do the job.'
'Stupid. You're stupid Jack'.
But stupid or not, he still felt like a cowpie...again. Again. He couldn't even get angry, he was
too beat to get angry. 'I'm nothing.' If I feel I'm something they all make me nothing, every
man I wanted to love, every man I meet turns me into shit. Does Ennis even have a clue?
Does he? This is just my dumbassed head. Ennis has no clue. He couldn't have meant it, he's
upset. We can talk quiet-like,just talk quiet when i finish here, figure it out. Maybe...maybe
he really just doesnt know. He would not have hurt me like that, could not hurt me like that.'
'Ennis would not make me nothing, he couldn't do that to me.'
But he had.
Jack saw with a dull surprise that he was done packin, all that was left could go into the
saddle bags.He walked over to Ennis' mount Cigar Butt, admiring once more the gelding's
beauty and stamina. Ennis had grabbed the big bay first he saw him, knew instinctively that
this was the horse he'd need up on Brokeback. Jack was OK on a horse but nothing more. 'A
man with skill knows I'm nothin special in the saddle. I just look good. And Ennis is more
then skilled.' He knew Jack wasn't as good a horseman as he was and didn't care, just
shrugged and took him for who and what he was.
'Ennis takes me for who and what I am.....'
' Who and What I Am.'
That truth of that unbidden thought began to rouse Jack. 'He --we--accepted each other all
summer. Can't change that. No. I'm thinkin all wrong. He knows. I'll do what I always do
when it's time for us to go.'
He stroked Cigar Butt as he filled the saddlebags and for the first time that day began to feel
the chill lift as the Mountain warmed.
'Damned he looks good on this horse'. Jack thought of Ennis' skill on his mount, any mount.
'Maybe I'm jealous.' A tiny smile parted his lips, rememberin how Ennis had laughed and
laughed the night he'd been talkin up Cigar Butt and a suddenly testy Jack Twist had said
'Ennis I don wan a hear about your goddamned horse, you wan a ride somethin shut the fuck
up and ride ME you asshole!' He'd damned near split his gut roarin at Jack and then without a
word he'd grabbed Jack and screwed him slow and silly, made him....'Made me what?' Jack
felt less misery as he thought, 'Made me...what? Made me his. I already was his but that night
Ennis MADE me his, not a word but we said it all'
Afterwards, Ennis had prepared to go back to the sheep. Jack could barely keep his eyes open, was
just standing there, glowing in the heat of the fire they'd made together when out of nowhere
Ennis Del Mar had come up behind him and made a dream come true. 'A dream? No he made
my life. Not a dream. A dream became my life.'
" Come on now, you're sleepin on your feet like a horse...my mama used to say that to me
when I was little."
'He pulled me close, when he said that, so close. Like he was part a me. I could feel his heart beat...'
And sing to me."
And Ennis a had sung a lullaby to Jack, a lullaby every cowboy in Wyoming had heard in the
lost times when love was taken for granted, when knowledge of love was just...there, ' I
guess in my case before I got shown I was nothin but a toilet....'
It had been...perfect.
"See you in the mornin!"
And Ennis had gotten on his horse and cantered back to the sheep, leaving Jack with the
only perfect memory of his life.
Jack went over every second, every breath, every touch. It was his dream, the one he'd always wanted without knowin, the dream he'd never understood...and that idiot Ennis had brought to life.
And in that second he thought he knew what he'd done wrong and how to fix it.
END PART II
TYPE: Strict film canon, not AU.
WHEN WRITTEN:This was written last summer while I sat on the hood of my car and watched cattle shit on the Plains up in Chugwater, Wyoming. I wrote it during the late afternoon before and during the summer sunset. So it was written fast [for me] and what's below is unedited... I tried this week and did such a poor job I threw it all out and decided to post the raw original.
SETTING AND TIME:The story takes place on the last day Jack and Ennis are up on Brokeback Mountain during their first summer.
PAIRING: Jack and Ennis but the Primary character is Jack Twist as he tries to deal himself and what goes on in his own head while he figures out how to handle Ennis with the summer cut short, how to keep Ennis from bolting like the scared colt he is...and fails. I was trying to get into Jack's head as another guy.There is only so much a male can write about another male's head before it gets completely ridiculous and fake, we think a great deal in situations like this yet most is repetitious variations on a theme.
LENGTH: 3 chapters.
BRINGIN EM DOWN
Chapter One
JACK TWIST didn't know what to do.
When Joe Aguirre had ridden up that morning to say bring the sheep down early, he'd felt cold fear from God's finger touch him on the shoulder. A light touch. Enough to freeze his gut. He'd started breaking camp, didn't know what else to do.
It was too soon.
He knew Ennis.
As he bent to pick up their coffee pot, Jack felt the weight of the mountain drop onto his back. All these weeks Brokeback had been Jack's friend. THEIR friend. He straightened up, feeling foolish as he did so. The mountain just WAS--no laughter in that wind, no mockery. Only in his mind. 'God, why did it have to snow now, more time, we needed time.' He closed his eyes a moment and wished a nameless wish for he and Ennis while the cold bit deeper into his stomach.
He shivered in the melt, watched snow evaporate in front of his eyes. 'Like Ennis'. But he shoved that thought away. It was up to Jack Twist and nobody but Jack Twist to see that the only person aside from his momma who had ever taken him just the way he was stuck around. How much time had they actually been together? Just a few short weeks. He'd understood and not understood, been clear and confused. One day that first week he'd napped under a tree thinking about Ennis, dick harder then the wood cradling him. He'd unzipped and wrang it out, popped as his mind filled with pictures of Ennis mouth on him. And for once Jack had done something remarkable--he'd seen what he wanted and gone for it without really understanding the how and the why. Jack Twist had followed through, confused but willing. It had taken a month, a slow month where vague signals had become clearer. A month where he'd found the bud of his life, somebody to ride the river with. The bud who'd watch his back.
A bud with a low startle point.
A bud who Jack found himself linking the word love with in his mind. That had brought him up short at first, no way Jack Twist was a queer. Then he'd said fuck it, maybe he could find a way to do this without bein a queer. And very quickly Jack had realised that he didn't give a good goddamned what he was or they were so long as Ennis was there to laugh at his jokes. The dumb sumbitch made fun of his harmonica and Jack laughed right back. He remembered when Ennis said he was a rodeo fuckup. There was truth behind the words with which Ennis accepted him, the fucked up greetin the fuckup. But he'd sensed something else as well. And Jack was right, knew it when he'd seen Ennis not watch him pee the whiskey out. They'd been dancin from day one, missin steps nobody had taught them, and that day, dick in hand while he watched Ennis not watch him, Jack found himself thinkin he was a goin a have Ennis Delmar even if it killed him. It was hard, he'd been hard, he hadn't wanted to fuck it all up. No way he was goin a hurt Ennis, but one way or the other Jack was goin a have Ennis. And keep him. This was not going to end before it started.
He looked closely towards the barren treeline and spotted Ennis ridin Cigar Butt downslope towards camp. Figured he had about 45 minutes to decide what to do. Notion after jumbled notion wore tracks through his head, and not a one of em felt right. Jack packed up, ditching idea after dumb idea while the minutes ran away faster then their time together. He looked again and couldn't see Ennis. Which meant he had about 30 minutes left to figure out how and what to say to the dumb sumbitch. He began to lose it and knew that if he was a mess Ennis would run. Ennis.....
Mr. Practical.
Mr Common Sense.
Grounded whereas Jack tried to fly.
And all at once Jack felt he knew what to say and how to go about saying it. He calmed down much as he could and concentrated on the words while the wind bit through to his chest. He walked with it to camp's edge, found himself looking down onto the Plains below while forced thought followed, one to the other. And suddenly the seared Plain reminded him of Hell itself, his miserable daddy, everything that had ever gone wrong for him. He turned his back on it all and gazed towards the peak of Brokeback, thought the plain was exactly where he should not be but no choice in the matter, a man's got to do what he's got to do...but it was too soon. Just too soon. What he felt for Ennis balanced on the knife edge of Ennis' feeling for him. Jack knew he was loved, let the wind off the mountain slam the door on thoughts that maybe he just wasn't loved enough. Nothing to be done, there was no more time left. You either trusted or didn't.
Act practical. No drama. Ennis hated drama. Just impart the information and be the tender doing his job. Ennis would be surprised, yet a calm Jack could work. They would have all that day and another night to make plans they could live with. What happened then was nobody's business but theirs.
Jack figured there might be 10 minutes until Ennis showed. 'Ten minutes. Ten fuckin minutes.' The thought occurred that he should be occupied when Cigar Butt brought Ennis home so looked around and started towards the campfire. And stopped in his tracks as he remembered packing the coffeepot, everything. How the hell were they supposed to eat? In less time then he could have thought possible Jack ripped the newly packed bale open and pulled it all out again, put brush on the dying fire and stood close as it flared, wondering why. He'd expected nothing on Brokeback. Maybe a bit of fun like last summer at the most, but that's it. Nothing. Instead he'd found a tall skinny blonde his own age who could handle a mount the way Jack said and bragged he could, while knowing otherwise. He remembered his first sight of Ennis Delmar, huddled against Aguirre's trailer. 'Couldn't take my eyes off him while I shaved, best lookin cowboy I ever saw.'Jack had leaned against his cunt of a truck and mumbled SHIT to himself, amazed that anybody who looked so good could be standin in old Aguirre's parking lot. He'd found out the why of that soon enough, but it had been like yankin a coyote's teeth.
He walked to the tent, decided to dismantle it. That didn't have to be done yet but Jack figured it would be his signal to Ennis, that something was up. Easy matter to rehang the canvas. But as it fell onto the cold wet ground Jack's heart almost stopped. He knew what he had to do, was afraid he was wrong, knew he was right, had no choice. He knew Ennis would ride in within moments and took a deep breath, as he unhitched the last loop.
"What're ya doin???" Even Cigar butt snorted.
Jack froze. 'Time's up, now or never' he thought. He kept his voice everyday, spoke the words he'd made while his stomach pulsed quietly showed up.He'd been afraid he'd forget them.
"Aguirre came by again, said my uncle didn't die after all."
He took a deep breath. " Says bring 'em down".
There, done, no girl crap. Sad the summer was over but no big deal. Quietly.
'Just me and Ennis to hear the way I said that, he has to get the way I said that, has to hear what I'm sayin'
It came out just the way he'd wanted it to. He waited, knew there would be questions, steeled himself for the answers. Hoped he'd had enough time to think of good ones.
"Bring 'em down? Why? It's the middle of August."
Stick to the truth:
"Says there's another storm comin, movin in from the Pacific."
His mind said 'OK Look at him now Jack!' so he turned...
"worse then this one."
Ennis was not calm. As he dismounted, Jack could feel the upset pour off him like sweat from the night before...only this time Jack saw that sweat soaked up by the hard ground instead of his own chest. " That snow barely stuck for an hour" Ennis was workin himself up and Jack felt the cold again. He shivered, hoped Ennis hadn't noticed. What returned from Ennis Delmar's mouth was not what he expected.
" Besides, that sonofabitch is cuttin us out of a whole month's pay! It ain't right"
That threw Jack off balance, made him grasp for what to say as he slapped his knees in frustration. Ennis should understand what Jack was doing, yet it was allready off the track.
'I'm as poor as he is and he knows it. It's not just him it's us, it's two of us, he can have everything I got everything I am, just make him understand.' He sent out a wordless prayer and forced himself normal.
" I can spare you a loan bud, if you're short a cash....give it to you when we get to Signal."
He bent to the nameless job then snapped up with the shock of a cinder thrown from the fire as Ennis yelled "I don't need your money! I ain't in the poorhouse!!"
" SHIT!!!"
He kicked the snow . Jack heard him mumble 'goddamn you' , and knew , knew Ennis was turning from everything they'd been, everything they could be.
''So fast, so bad so fast'
His daddy's mean face filled his head, hard ice and cold. Ennis knew how poor Jack was, knew what Jack was sayin, knew what Jack was offerin. He had to. He was dumb but not that dumb. Jack Twist knew contempt,. been brought up with it, heard it in Ennis' angry SHIT!!!... nothing but. He grasped at the nearest pillar, felt confusion, began to bleed, knew what he'd just offered Ennis was being tossed and buried with the trash. Without thinkin, Jack saw Ennis but answered another man's contempt. Back off. Just agree. Keep the fire in the ring. And something sagged in him for
this time it wasn't the old bastard, it was Ennis Delmar who had pissed on Jack's pride:
"Allright."
One word. Jack didn't know many words, but that was one he knew well.
Ennis stiffened as what he heard warped everything Jack didn't know how to say.
Yet he said nothing. 'A log on a log' crossed Jack's thought's as he felt rather then saw his herder sit in silence, felt him disappear. All Jack could think of was confusion and lot's of nothing, because none of this was good, none of this had worked, none of this meant anything. How could Ennis just do NOTHING? Jack felt he was goin crazy, the loneliness...he'd thought it gone forever.
'Am I nuts? Is this what they felt when Thresher sank?'
Ennis would not do this to him, yet he had. Was it over, had it ever started? Could he have been so wrong?
No.
He could not have been so wrong. No way.
END PART ONE
_______________________________________________________________________
BRINGIN EM DOWN
PART TWO--continuous with Part 1, no time gap whatsoever
Current mood: creative
Bringin em Down Part II
DISCLAIMER: The characters are Annie Proulx's, not mine. No commercial gain, etc., is intended or aspired to, just admiration and perhaps a personal desire to understand.
TYPE: Strict film canon, not AU.
WHEN WRITTEN:This was written last summer while I sat on the hood of my car and watched cattle shit on the Plains up in Chugwater, Wyoming. I wrote it during the late afternoon before and during the summer sunset. So it was written fast [for me] and what's below is unedited... I tried this week and did such a poor job I threw it all out and decided to post the raw original.
SETTING AND TIME:The story takes place on the last day Jack and Ennis are up on Brokeback Mountain during their first summer.
PAIRING: Jack and Ennis but the Primary character is Jack Twist as he tries to deal himself and what goes on in his own head while he figures out how to handle Ennis with the summer cut short, how to keep Ennis from bolting like the scared colt he is...and fails. I was trying to get into Jack's head as another guy.There is only so much a male can write about another male's head before it gets completely ridiculous and fake, we think a great deal in situations like this yet most is repetitious variations on a theme.
LENGTH: OKOKOK--I know it takes me forever, especially since this was written already. But this time I did edit it and think I did a good job---is this confidence??lol
Instead of 2 chapters it's 3. And no you wont wait that long this time, I know what I don't like about what i did with the Fight and am allready reworking it....Jack
BRINGIN EM DOWN PART II
Jack was numb. 'I'm feelin so many things I don't have no words for that I'm feelin nothin.'
And thats all it took. A thought.
His heart, his mind, his body... everything which said "I am Jack Twist" screamed like a leg
unused to movement. It had blown up in his face, all of it, life collapsing in under 3 minutes.
Methodically he packed up the campsite. It was something to do, something to deaden the
pain and bring order to the confusion of his heart.
It was what Aguirre paid him for. Pack up. Pack it in. All of it.
As the pile of their supplies dwindled with Jack's now slow and steady moves, he wondered
again why his pride had no stayin power, marvelled sadly that one word from someone he
cared about could collapse him like wet paper. Jack thought back to the worse thing in his
life before today, the night his father pissed all over him. He remembered back to how he'd
felt, remembered his confusion as life...warped. No other word for it....wanting to run, unable
to run, scared, angry, forced to stand and take it as beerpiss splashed, dripped, ran away
from his child's skin as if it was ashamed to be there, forced to clean it all up with his
jammies... made to stand there and put his filthy urine-drenched clothing back on by a
nothing of a man Jack called daddy. A bastard who had triumphantly passed the torch to a 4
year old boy, a boy who15 years later thought daddy may have been right: Jack Twist
WAS nothing. He remembered the sweet toilet-stench that was his fathers love polluting his
mind...and almost made a connection. Almost. Found himself thinkin out a nowhere that Ennis
Del Mar was not his bastard daddy and scratched his head, wonderin where such a crazy
thought had come from.
Yet here he was up on Brokeback , feeling like Ennis had just pissed on his head instead of
John Twist. He almost opened his mouth at that point, was goin to tell Ennis all quiet-like that
the last time he'd felt like this his father had beat him and pissed on him when he was 4 years
old, let Ennis take it from there, but out of the corner of his eye Jack saw Ennis had moved
away from him, was walkin by himself on the edge of the cliff...
Jack felt stupid. After all, he said nothing. And while he would one day confide to Ennis the
full story of that miserable night, by feeling stupid on this day Jack gained the great blessing
of not knowing he had missed an opportunity which would never again come for either of
them.
Ennis' had damned near castrated him. Jack knew it. His mind pictured Ennis between his
legs, teeth grabbing what made him a man, oblivious as Jack's heart screamed NO while the
love of his life bit deep and spitting the bloodstained remnants of Jack's manhood onto the
uncaring cupped recesses of the mountain...Jack stood still for a moment and let loose a
silent scream of pain and blood.
He turned and lit a cigarette, eyes wide shut as the burst of smoke caught them past the
rotting tips of the Tetons into God's Vault. He looked into it an endless moment, throat
breaking the massive silence as a soft '...why...' vented from his chest.
He turned his head away while rubbing his eyes, saw Ennis through the prism of his
mindsparks, walking on the low rise next to their camp. He was watching Jack, who froze
and once again thought 'Act Normal'--as if this WAS normal, which it sure as hell
wasn't--grabbed the grill and packed it. He didn't look back to Ennis, and swiftly finished
with the remains of the camp. 'No way I will look bad to him, no way. Just do the job.'
'Stupid. You're stupid Jack'.
But stupid or not, he still felt like a cowpie...again. Again. He couldn't even get angry, he was
too beat to get angry. 'I'm nothing.' If I feel I'm something they all make me nothing, every
man I wanted to love, every man I meet turns me into shit. Does Ennis even have a clue?
Does he? This is just my dumbassed head. Ennis has no clue. He couldn't have meant it, he's
upset. We can talk quiet-like,just talk quiet when i finish here, figure it out. Maybe...maybe
he really just doesnt know. He would not have hurt me like that, could not hurt me like that.'
'Ennis would not make me nothing, he couldn't do that to me.'
But he had.
Jack saw with a dull surprise that he was done packin, all that was left could go into the
saddle bags.He walked over to Ennis' mount Cigar Butt, admiring once more the gelding's
beauty and stamina. Ennis had grabbed the big bay first he saw him, knew instinctively that
this was the horse he'd need up on Brokeback. Jack was OK on a horse but nothing more. 'A
man with skill knows I'm nothin special in the saddle. I just look good. And Ennis is more
then skilled.' He knew Jack wasn't as good a horseman as he was and didn't care, just
shrugged and took him for who and what he was.
'Ennis takes me for who and what I am.....'
' Who and What I Am.'
That truth of that unbidden thought began to rouse Jack. 'He --we--accepted each other all
summer. Can't change that. No. I'm thinkin all wrong. He knows. I'll do what I always do
when it's time for us to go.'
He stroked Cigar Butt as he filled the saddlebags and for the first time that day began to feel
the chill lift as the Mountain warmed.
'Damned he looks good on this horse'. Jack thought of Ennis' skill on his mount, any mount.
'Maybe I'm jealous.' A tiny smile parted his lips, rememberin how Ennis had laughed and
laughed the night he'd been talkin up Cigar Butt and a suddenly testy Jack Twist had said
'Ennis I don wan a hear about your goddamned horse, you wan a ride somethin shut the fuck
up and ride ME you asshole!' He'd damned near split his gut roarin at Jack and then without a
word he'd grabbed Jack and screwed him slow and silly, made him....'Made me what?' Jack
felt less misery as he thought, 'Made me...what? Made me his. I already was his but that night
Ennis MADE me his, not a word but we said it all'
Afterwards, Ennis had prepared to go back to the sheep. Jack could barely keep his eyes open, was
just standing there, glowing in the heat of the fire they'd made together when out of nowhere
Ennis Del Mar had come up behind him and made a dream come true. 'A dream? No he made
my life. Not a dream. A dream became my life.'
" Come on now, you're sleepin on your feet like a horse...my mama used to say that to me
when I was little."
'He pulled me close, when he said that, so close. Like he was part a me. I could feel his heart beat...'
And sing to me."
And Ennis a had sung a lullaby to Jack, a lullaby every cowboy in Wyoming had heard in the
lost times when love was taken for granted, when knowledge of love was just...there, ' I
guess in my case before I got shown I was nothin but a toilet....'
It had been...perfect.
"See you in the mornin!"
And Ennis had gotten on his horse and cantered back to the sheep, leaving Jack with the
only perfect memory of his life.
Jack went over every second, every breath, every touch. It was his dream, the one he'd always wanted without knowin, the dream he'd never understood...and that idiot Ennis had brought to life.
And in that second he thought he knew what he'd done wrong and how to fix it.
END PART II