It's that time again
for an identity rant. Feel free to skip over reading this, but I'm in a bad mood this afternoon and I'd like to get things off my chest.
I think I'm feeling more irritated than I ought because I feel like I'm running out of time to change things. I have plenty of time life-wise- I'm still a teenager. But I'm running out of *childhood* time... and that makes me want to scream because there are things you can do as a teen that you can't really do once you're an adult... and I want to experience them the way I want to be... if that even makes sense. I want to know what it's like to go to the pool without anything on my chest, wear tight things without feeling "fake" or awkward, to have a teacher call me by a name I actually like, and so many other things.
I've made the decision. I'm pretty sure I've known, in various ways, throughout my life. I'm ready. Now it's time to prove it to other people and start *doing* things. I'll do whatever I need to so things don't seem too out of place to everybody else at school. But I just want to DO things!
Things had been getting relatively calm about this, and then I had to look at a TAI fanfic yesterday... and the person's header picture had William on it... with a vest hanging open, and you could see his chest. And that got me jealous, I guess. (It's obnoxious how much I'm obsessed with him, I'll admit that. I would rather be him than a male version of me. But that's irrelevant.) It made me angry that I can't wear things that I'd love to wear, because it'd be showing off the body that I hate. I feel trapped in this body, unable to choose what I want to do with it. I really just want things to be different so badly right now.
And I can't even go to MYA tonight and talk it out and feel better with people I love. I have to go to my guitar recital... and yes that does feel like a chore right now. I really don't want to go... which is saying something. ...I think I'm going to sit down with William and maybe Tamaki tonight and try to calm down. Hopefully I'll get a chance to talk things over with Dad this weekend.
See you guys later.
I think I'm feeling more irritated than I ought because I feel like I'm running out of time to change things. I have plenty of time life-wise- I'm still a teenager. But I'm running out of *childhood* time... and that makes me want to scream because there are things you can do as a teen that you can't really do once you're an adult... and I want to experience them the way I want to be... if that even makes sense. I want to know what it's like to go to the pool without anything on my chest, wear tight things without feeling "fake" or awkward, to have a teacher call me by a name I actually like, and so many other things.
I've made the decision. I'm pretty sure I've known, in various ways, throughout my life. I'm ready. Now it's time to prove it to other people and start *doing* things. I'll do whatever I need to so things don't seem too out of place to everybody else at school. But I just want to DO things!
Things had been getting relatively calm about this, and then I had to look at a TAI fanfic yesterday... and the person's header picture had William on it... with a vest hanging open, and you could see his chest. And that got me jealous, I guess. (It's obnoxious how much I'm obsessed with him, I'll admit that. I would rather be him than a male version of me. But that's irrelevant.) It made me angry that I can't wear things that I'd love to wear, because it'd be showing off the body that I hate. I feel trapped in this body, unable to choose what I want to do with it. I really just want things to be different so badly right now.
And I can't even go to MYA tonight and talk it out and feel better with people I love. I have to go to my guitar recital... and yes that does feel like a chore right now. I really don't want to go... which is saying something. ...I think I'm going to sit down with William and maybe Tamaki tonight and try to calm down. Hopefully I'll get a chance to talk things over with Dad this weekend.
See you guys later.