Passion of a Saint
Title: Passion of A Saint
Genre: AU/AU Ennis/Jack
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The Characters of Ennis And Jack belong to the inimitable Ann Proulx. I am simply borrowing them for this story. No financial benefit is derived from this story.
Summary: This story is set at St. Augustine's. A pious Ennis is a Deacon hoping to become a priest, and Jack is there for a spiritual retreat in the wilderness.Warnings: This is set in an alternative universe. While similar, my Ennis and Jack are different characters, in a different time under different circumstances.
FeedBack: Yes, Please! Feedback is always great - especially concrit. Let me know what you like and what you don't. I can't change my story but it's a learning process.
Thanks to my Beta chamilet - she does this with every chapter, but this one is extra special thanks to her input.
CHAPTER TEN
Ennis stared at the ceiling above him, his very soul seemed split. One half was scared, wanting nothing to do with the world, ashamed of the things his heart and body desired. The other half wanted to run away and never look back, to run free through the fields of possibility.
Jack had only been back three days and his life was falling apart around him. Both his homosexuality and his affair with Jack had been exposed. Somehow he didn’t really trust Sister Alma to keep it a secret long. He wondered how much time Father Michael had bought him to figure it out .
In his dreams he could have it all: the priesthood and, every once in a while, Jack. But that was not reality and now Jack had forced his hand, pushed the choice upon him. Whichever he chose, he would lose the other forever.
He was no queer, except in the silent darkness of his lonely nights and in Jack's arms. The image that haunted his dreams since childhood flashed before him: his friend Earl, who'd lived with a man, dragged to his death by his queer parts. Ennis' father had never liked him stopping by their place on his way home from school, but the last straw was when he'd found out them men were queer. The old man made sure to show Ennis what happened to queers in their town. That was the day Ennis decided, by light of day the one thing he could not be was queer. It didn't matter what Jack said; Jack was a sheltered fool. Ennis had seen with his own eyes the hate that lurked behind the shadows waiting to ambush people like them.
What Jack asked of him, to give up his calling as a priest and return to the hate that had killed Earl, was tearing him apart. Half of him recoiled in paralyzing fear. The other half? The other half was across the room before he could stop himself.
Ennis pushed the drawer out of the way; the barrier to keep Jack out had locked Ennis in with his demons. Suddenly it did not matter that he'd hurt Jack out of fear and not hate; it mattered that he'd made Jack cry and that his father would have approved.
He knocked on the connecting door.
Every second that went by with no answer stretched into an eternity. It was possible that Jack was asleep and did not hear the hesitant knock, but Ennis feared that Jack had walked away from it all.
The sound of the hinge churning as the latch was lifted flooded Ennis with relief. Even now, Jack had come to him.
“Ennis…”
Ennis took Jack into his arms the moment the door swung open. This was not a time for kisses, it was a time for a thousand "I’m sorry’s". In Jack's arms everything always seemed simpler, easier, and his split soul brought together by the rightness of the feeling. Ennis hugged Jack tight, never wanting to let go. Demonstrating without words the contrast between the half-hearted repudiation and the whole-hearted embrace, needing Jack to understand which felt more real, needing Jack to tell him which was real.
“I thought I was dreaming when I heard the knock, wanting it so bad I was hallucinating. I was so afraid to open the door and find it was a figment of my imagination,” Jack rambled.
“I’m sorry, Jack, for last night. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am.”
“Ennis…,” a sob escaped Jack.
“Shhh…I'm here Jack.”
“Ennis, I …”
Ennis interrupted him, “Look, I know you have been hurting and it’s entirely my fault. I don’t have any answers…But I didn’t mean a word of what I said before. You came into my life and nothing has been the same since. In a good way, in a very good way. I need for you to know that.”
“What’s gonna happen?”
“I'm not sure, Jack,” Ennis said honestly, holding Jack close.
“You won’t go through with it, will you?”
“Jack, if you ask me that right now,” Ennis kissed Jack’s cheek, “I’ll do whatever you ask. But then years from now, I’ll be resentful and I'll make you miserable.”
“So, what do you want me to do?”
“Hold me, remind me that a heart beats inside me, and let me figure it out…”
“I won’t wait forever.”
“I know.”
“It’s me or the church. Once you get ordained I am not going to be the secret relief you sneak in once in a while,” Jack’s voice was stone cold.
“I…,” Ennis didn’t finish the sentence because that had been his hope, sometime before he started thinking with his brain. Jack did that to him sometimes.
“I'm glad you have the decency not to deny it.”
“Jack, it’s not about the physical.”
“It isn’t? From where I'm standing, that’s sure as hell what it looks like to me.”
Ennis had nothing to say to that, he had no defense. He’d asked everything of Jack and given nothing in return. His alluring Jack, who’d pursued him unrelentingly. Ennis knew it had never been a painless exercise for Jack; whatever it cost him emotionally and otherwise, Jack had been willing to pay. Even now, Ennis had come through this door not offering anything different than he had in the past. Even now, all he had to do was knock and Jack would hold the door open for him. All he had to do was find the courage to step through this door, out of the closet and walk away from the safe house that was the church.
Ennis pulled Jack’s face up until they were staring into each other’s eyes. He kissed Jack softly, like waves breaking on a sandy beach, renewing their love and washing away the hurt.
He slowly undressed himself, not reaching for Jack. Tonight wasn’t about his own feelings, it was about giving something to Jack, and there was only one thing he could give.
Jack sighed against Ennis’ kisses, melted into his arms. And sensing Ennis was undressing himself, he knew that they were headed for the non-verbal kind of communication for the rest of the conversation. A certain part of Jack wanted to say no, to refuse this until they sorted out the future. He wasn’t sure how many "I love you's" of Ennis’ touch he could take, only to wake up to shattered dreams in the light of day.
Jack’s moment of resistance had not gone unnoticed by Ennis.
“Jack, I…”
“Shh…It’s alright, Ennis,” Jack soothed him. Jack wished he was strong enough to say no, but alas he was not; he deepened the kiss and reached for the buttons of his own shirt.
The realization hit him harder than a freight train at full speed, even in Jack’s weakest moments he stayed strong enough for the both of them. The thought that he did not deserve his man, always in his mind, was highlighted once again.
Ennis went to the night stand and grabbed the bottle of lube Jack kept in the drawer. He sat on the edge of the bed and beckoned Jack close.
Jack was stripped to his boxers, staring at Ennis, the color in Ennis’ cheeks and his nervous fidgeting melted Jack’s heart. The complete innocence, even after all this while, the honest, unmasked, unrefined capitulation to his yearning was a sight to behold. Jack went to him, stopping right in front of him, the closeness of his hardness to those full lips making Jack throb with the mental picture.
Jack reached for the lube on the bed but Ennis got it first, placing it beyond his reach. Jack looked at Ennis questioningly.
Ennis stood up, forcing the lent-over Jack to take a step back to balance himself. He slipped both his index fingers into the waistline of Jack’s boxers, pulling on the elastic but barely touching the other man.
Jack shivered at the intensity of the desire in Ennis’ eyes, the hair on his skin standing on end as the electric current between them charged the room. He held his breath in anticipation, eyes closed, every fiber of his being aching with want.
Ennis tugged on Jack’s boxers, pulling them off his hips, over the rounds globes of his butt cheeks to his knees. Without touching Jack, he knelt before him pulling the boxers the rest if the way off. When he finally did reach for Jack, it was with his lips, pouted into a round circle, engulfing Jack’s cock.
Jack opened his eyes in surprise at the sensation and was greeted with a vision of Ennis on his knees.
“Oh Ennis,” Jack moaned, running his hands through Ennis’ hair.
Ennis was tentative. He had always been curious but had never trusted his ability to get this right. He licked along the groove of the head, eliciting encouraging groans from Jack. The scent of Jack’s manhood filled his nostrils. It was proving to be very enjoyable. Ennis now understood Jack’s urge to do this to him. He wrapped his lips around the hard, throbbing staff and sucked on it, bobbing his head back and forth as he had seen Jack do countless times. He tried very hard to keep his teeth from grazing Jack. Judging from Jack’s moans and the tight grip on his head, he was doing it right.
Much fun as this was, Ennis didn’t plan on a happy ending just yet. He took a final lick - running his tongue from the low hanging sacs to the tip of Jack’s cock, lapping up the gathered droplet in the tip - and got up. He sat on the bed, his hands wrapping around Jack’s muscular thigh to pull him forward.
Jack assumed Ennis had merely wanted to get off of his knees and so he was unprepared when Ennis grabbed the lube from the bed behind him, dropped some onto his hands and began slicking up Jack’s cock.
Jack was stunned, too stunned to say anything, or even move. Was Ennis? No, it couldn’t be. Ennis’ jaws must have tired and he was using his hands instead. No way Ennis would…
Ennis dropped his hands to his side and like a shy virgin, slowly moved further onto the bed, lying on his back lifting his legs, offering that which he had never offered before.
“Are you for real?” He heard Jack ask, but he was too shy to look at him.
“I want you,” Ennis’ voice trembled.
Jack eased himself on top of Ennis, cupping Ennis’ face in his hands, propping himself up on elbows rested against the pillow on either side of Ennis' head.
“It doesn’t work that way Ennis,” Jack kissed him.
“Why?” Ennis was confused.
“It’d be your first time. That has to special. Not on this bed that can barely fit us both.”
“I don’t mind,” Ennis offered meekly.
“Oh Ennis…,” Jack nuzzled his neck, wanting what Ennis was offering so very much. He shut his eyes to regain control and in his most sexy whisper he spoke into Ennis’ ear, “Not tonight.”
Jack kissed the nape of Ennis’ neck, “First, I’ll make your whole body quiver with lust.” Kiss. “Then I’ll slip a finger inside,” Jack moistened his finger with lube and rubbed against Ennis’ rosebud as he spoke.
Ennis moaned.
“Yes, Ennis. I’ll find that spot inside you that will make you scream with passion,” Jack slowly slipped his finger into Ennis, curving it to rub against Ennis’ prostate.
Jack’s voice caressed his ears, “You’ll try to hold back at first, just like now, but your body will betray you.” Jack rubbed insistently on the walnut inside Ennis.
Ennis bit down on his lips fighting hard for control of himself.
“Not tonight, not like this, not to appease your conscience. You can’t offer me that and then walk away again,” Jack tugged on Ennis’ lower lip.
Through his hazy lust-filled stupor, and the sting of being jilted - Ennis understood the feeling behind the words. He pulled Jack on top of him, the full length of their bodies melting into one another, their hardness rubbing together.
Ennis wanted to thrust, but Jack held his hips down, grinding against him slowly, teasing out the moans and groans. The slickness on Jack's rod slid against Ennis' effortlessly, and they fit together like the cast and mold of a sculpture; opposites yet holding up the same image, different yet complimentary, together both made whole.
***
Jack walked into Father Michael’s office and handed the old priest a key.
“Was it helpful?” the old Irish priest asked, knowing exactly which key it was.
“I didn’t need it,” Jack blushed but his cheery smile conveyed so much more.
Father Michael smiled back. Perhaps Ennis would prove to be truly brave yet.
“Send Ennis to my office if you see him, would you?”
Jack waltzed out with as much energy and speed as he had walked in with.
His jolly mood was soon dampened by the sight of Father Martin approaching, Ennis and his parents in tow.
“Jack! My baby,” his mother wrapped her arms around him.
“We're here to take you back with us. What's this insanity that has come over you?” John Twist was his usual uncharitable self.
“It seems you did not discuss your new found vocation with your parents, young man,” Father Martin was curt. He didn’t like these family dramas, preferring they play out before one actually showed up at the seminary. The overwrought parents had interrupted his afternoon prayer group with parishioners demanding to speak to the priest in charge of the seminarians.
“I have my reasons, and they would never understand,” Jack tried to keep it honest. He’d never actually told the Reverend he wanted to become a priest, only that his calling was at St. Augustine’s. Wasn’t his fault, he had Ennis in mind and they had God.
“Jack’s vocation is not the priesthood,” Ennis stunned everyone by speaking up, “and he will leave with you.”
“Ennis?” The question and plea in Jack’s voice was unmistakable.
“Let me have a word with Jack,” Ennis dragged Jack a few steps away without waiting for a response as the others watched in confusion.
“Ennis, you can’t be serious?” Jack whispered, “Not after last night…”
“I am. Look, Jack, if you stay, you’ll get me to give in to you every time," Ennis paused, "Every night."
A sigh escaped him before he continued, pleading this time, "I beg you; give me chance to figure this out for myself. I need this choice to be mine, and mine alone. It’s the only way I can think to live with the consequences either way. Can you understand that?”
“Let you go, if I love you. Is that what you ask?” Jack’s voice shook with aggravation.
“Yes.”
“And you’ll come find me, whatever you decide, tell me yourself.”
“I promise.”
“Waiting will be so fucking hard, Ennis.”
“I know.”
“And still, you ask it of me?”
“There is nothing of meaning I can offer unless I sort this out between my heart and my conscience. You have to know that’s true,” Ennis touched their foreheads together.
Suddenly realizing they were not the only souls on earth, they broke apart. Ennis couldn’t face the questioning gaze of Father Martin, or for that matter, John Twist. He left Jack to them and walked away.
Jack dragged his gaze from the departing silhouette of Ennis Del Mar and walked towards his parents.
“Let’s go,” he said simply, taking his mum’s hand and readying to go. John Twist followed. Father Martin was still confused about what had just transpired.
It took Jack just a few minutes to gather his things from his quarters and he left the gates of St. Augustine once more. This time he said a silent prayer as he passed by the Basilica, that whatever fate had conspired to bring him and Ennis together, it would not be for naught.
***
It was much later in the day that Ennis, by mere coincidence, finally stopped by Fr. Michael’s office. Jack had forgotten to relay the message, caught by surprise both by his parents and Ennis.
Ennis sat down, sensing from the somber mood that a serious discussion was in the works.
“I have spoken to Father Martin. As of today, he has transferred your mentorship to me.”
Having nothing to say to that, Ennis stayed silent.
“I know you sent Jack away today, too.”
“I need to figure it out on my own.”
“And?”
“His presence was distracting.”
“Ennis, do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Have you told him?”
“I cannot.”
“Why?”
“How can I tell him I love him and then ask him to walk away while I commit myself to the church?”
“I was once as young as you are now, and just as foolish.”
Ennis was confused, “What do you mean?”
“It was a different time back then.”
“Wh…”
“Back then, being a homosexual was a disease and the head doctors got to electric shock it out of you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Not that it’s much of an excuse, but perhaps things might have been different had I lived in different times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Ennis,” the old reverend held his gaze, “I came to the church to escape my unholy attraction to men.”
“Oh,” Ennis had not been expecting that.
Silence stretched for a few moments until Ennis’ curiosity won out.
“And did you succeed?” Ennis asked.
“Oh, I succeeded in running; I didn’t manage to escape it though.”
“Oh…”
“He was a fellow deacon, the kindest person I’ve ever met. It started innocently enough, then we were doing things too obscene to confess and he asked me to leave with him. He said he loved me, and we could make a life together.”
“What happened?” Ennis heard the tears in the Reverend’s voice, even though his eyes were dry.
“I was too scared. I loved the Church, felt called by God. Did what most queers did in those days, I became a priest. But not Dennis, even without me he left, made a life in the outside world.”
“Did he find happiness in the world?” Ennis inquired.
“Some form of it, I suppose. He was very successful in his career, very active in his sex life, but apparently he’d stayed true to his love for me.”
“Where is he now?” Ennis wondered if they had continued a clandestine affair.
“He passed away twenty five years ago.” The first pearl of a teardrop gathered at the corner of his eyes.
“God rest his soul,” Ennis responded automatically, the sadness of the Reverend engulfing him too.
"He’d caught AIDS, "the gay cancer" they called it; they didn’t know what it was back then.”
“Did you get to see him again before he passed?”
“No.”
Ennis felt the anguish in the answer.
“He wouldn’t let me see him like that,” Father Michael wiped the tear. “He wanted me to remember him young and beautiful.”
The old priest opened the bible on his desk. It was his personal bible he carried everywhere. Tucked between the pages was a folded piece of paper. It was worn along the edges, brown with the stains of time and countless handling.
He handed the piece of paper to Ennis. “My most prized possession, the last remnant of my humanity.”
Ennis carefully unfolded the paper, it read:
My love,
I am leaving this world with my heart still in your possession. For the short time it was possible, you made me whole. It has been difficult without you, but I hope your greater calling was worth it. Don’t you dare let my sacrifice be in vain, be the best priest you can.
I hope God will not hold it against me that I tried to keep you from him. Perhaps he will consider my anguish at having lost you as penance enough and forgive me.
My love for you was the only thing good and pure in my life, so I have no regrets.
This is not farewell because we said that long ago, it is instead a promise to wait for you in the afterlife, where we might share the togetherness that was denied us on this earth.
I would have loved to look upon you one last time, but let’s carry the memory of stolen moments to our graves instead.
With all my love,
Dennis.
Ennis folded the paper back together, and silently handed it back. There were no words for such a moment, both men’s eyes glistened with tears. Ennis wiped his forearm across his eyes.
“Do you know why I shared this secret of mine with you?”
Ennis shook his head, “Why?”
“It wasn’t worth...” Father Michael could not finish the sentence, decades of silent hidden despair laid bare. The truth was made more real when spoken out loud.
Ennis looked upon a broken man, not a saintly cleric divinely inspired to infinite wisdom, but a simple man with deep regret.
“The souls you have saved, the marriages you helped keep together, the sick you consoled?” Ennis asked, sure that had to count for something, had to give this most unlikely character for such unfathomable sorrow some measure of solace.
“All of which I would trade for the two souls I damned, his and mine.”
“But, you are the best priest I have ever known. You speak the language of Christ’s compassion, not just the Church’s laws.”
“And I have no doubt that loving Dennis made all that possible, made me a better priest.”
“So what should I do?”
“I cannot tell you that Ennis. Pray. And then make your choice. If you pick the Church, you will be amongst its most revered sons and your sacrifice shall be borne by Jack also. If you go with Jack, you leave all this,” he gestured with his hands, “for an uncertain life. But one shared with a soulmate.”
“So is that my choice then, God or Jack?”
“Who said anything about God? No Ennis, God is with you whatever you decide. He shall help you carry whichever cross you take up.”
“So…,” Ennis’ voice trailed off. He didn’t quite understand.
“The choice is between Church and Jack, duty and love.”
It finally clicked in Ennis' head. He'd never thought of it that way.
“But which path would God want me to take?”
“You are asking which I would rather you take.”
“Yes.”
“You seek absolution for the responsibility of your choice. There is no such thing.”
“But, it’s not a fair choice. One path is clearer than the other. I mean, staying with the church is easier: structure, order. I can’t even imagine what Jack and I can do. Where will we live? What will I do for income? What if we fight?”
“You are very self aware for such a young man.”
“That’s no answer,” Ennis was exasperated.
“Do you trust, God?”
“Yes.”
“Then pray and when you make your choice, place your life in his hands and have faith.”
“God will provide?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“Only He knows. Your task is simply to have faith.”
“You are not helping.”
“I cannot help you more. I'm but a mere priest after all.” Father Michael smiled without his eyes, his decades of experience masking pain apparent. It was a twinge he masked at every wedding, every baptism, every celebration of family. And at every funeral he mourned the man whose funeral he had been barred from.
“Which path would you take, in my place?” Ennis asked, as if the remorse he'd witnessed had not spoken louder than words.
“Ennis, pray over it, decide and learn to live with your choice. This is a cross you will bare alone.” One could only guide a mule to the water, one could not force him to drink of it. And Ennis was as stubborn a mule as Father Michael had ever met.
A moment of shared silence passed, both men lost in thoughts the church forbade.
It was Ennis who broke the silence, “Thanks for sharing your story with me.” It was the sort of secret one guarded with diligence.
“You are welcome.”
As if in afterthought, he added, “Ennis you get one life, one chance at happiness. Think hard before you martyr your love for the Church.”
Ennis left the old reverend deep in thought. He had a feeling the old man rarely indulged in the memories, and needed some private moments with his human side; the man behind the priest that was rarely seen.
Just as the winter does not turn to summer in a day, but rather in bursts of alternating cold and warmth through the spring, so too was Ennis’ quest for resolution. It took three long weeks and many false starts, but finally Ennis choose the only path he could take. If indeed he could have Jack without failing God, then all that held him back was fear of life outside the church. If he could love both God and Jack, then becoming a priest was about hiding; hiding from his father's accusing gaze and the hate that had killed the fiery old man who'd been his friend.
threesomes