Passion of a Saint
Title: Passion of A Saint
Genre: AU/AU Ennis/Jack
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The Characters of Ennis And Jack belong to the inimitable Ann Proulx. I am simply borrowing them for this story. No financial benefit is derived from this story.
Summary: This story is set at St. Augustine's. A pious Ennis is a Deacon hoping to become a priest.Warnings: This is set in an alternative universe. While similar, my Ennis and Jack are different characters, in a different time under different circumstances.
FeedBack: Yes, Please! It makes writing this story even more fun.
Thanks to my beta chamilet!
CHAPTER NINE
“Look me in the eyes, Ennis. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.”
Ennis braced his heart, and stared at Jack cold, “I don’t love you, Jack.”
"Ennis…," Jack pleaded.
But Ennis continued, “I might have been infatuated, fascinated at the sexual awakening I experienced.”
“Ennis…please,” Jack’s plea was desperate. He couldn't look at Ennis telling him these things; he looked away.
“No Jack, you look at me now,” Ennis lifted Jack’s chin to look him in the eye.
“You mistook the rantings of a virgin, driven wild with lust for the first time, for love.”
The pain that seared into Jack darkened his eyes and Ennis almost broke, but he pressed on.
“That you would have me abandon the church and all that is good and true in my life is the height of your folly.”
Tears rolled down Jack’s face and a million knives stabbed Ennis’ heart, but he braced himself.
“Abandon this quest of yours Jack. I will be a priest. And when you decided to stand in the way of that, you turned whatever affection I had for you into hate.”
"I don’t believe you,” Jack was defiant.
“You had better. Am I ashamed? You bet I am. I am disgusted with myself for giving into the desire to use your sweet, willing ass for my carnal pleasures. That’s all it was Jack.”
“I…,” Jack was at a loss for words.
“That’s why your tears don’t move me; I could care less. Do not mistake my civility for more than what it is; an attempt to keep you from embarrassing us both. Honestly, Jack, did you think that by merely showing up here, you could derail my ordination? That the next shag will do the trick our last half dozen matings haven't? That all of a sudden I'll see the error of my ways and give up my calling, for you?”
“I…,” Jack stammered.
“Yeah, well now you know. I don’t love you. Right now, I am not even sure I like you very much. And if you could only figure out you are not wanted and leave, I’d have one less irritant bothering me.”
Jack looked at him intently, searching Ennis’ eyes for a sign that his words were not true.
Ennis’ façade must have held up well, because Jack walked away with tear stained cheeks looking like the life had been sucked out of him.
When Jack was gone the dam that held his emotions at bay finally burst, and Ennis collapsed on his bed, stifling his cry with his pillow, hurting with the pain he’d just inflicted on Jack.
Ennis barricaded the connecting door with some furniture, his large chest of drawers. If Jack hadn't gotten the message loud and clear earlier, he'd finally get it when he calmed down and tried the door again.
An hour later the door rattled against the unyielding obstacle of the oak chest. Ennis stood up, heart beating fast, not the slightest bit surprised; Jack was nothing if not persistent. Jack could have pushed through if he worked at it long enough. Ennis held his breath, his torment magnified with every sound of wood hitting wood. The barrier was not meant solely as a physical obstacle but as a mental missile demolishing what sprouts of hope for them Jack nurtured. It was the loudest way Ennis could say no to Jack, and he felt the defeat in the man on the side of the door when the latch clicked back into place.
Instead of relief, and a part of him was relived that he'd gotten Jack to give up, he felt thrust into the abyss of hell on earth.
****
Jack walked in to Father Michael’s office looking distraught. The reverend could see that he had been crying.
“I’m sorry Father, but I need to call home.”
“Why?”
“I am leaving. Perhaps there was nothing here for me after all.”
“Is it Ennis?” asked the Reverend.
Jack stayed silent, not willing to betray his lover, but Father Michael saw the pain that crossed his eyes at the mention of the name.
“Oh Jack,” Father Michael walked around the table and hugged the young man, “don’t give up on him now.”
Jack, whose tears were once again in free fall, was stunned, “What?”
“You don’t think I didn’t know?” he released Jack from the embrace. “Sit, and let’s talk,” he gestured towards the seat.
“That obvious?” Jack asked.
“No,” Father Michael smiled, “well maybe when you insisted on the particular room next to Ennis - which I later discovered from Ennis has a connecting door.”
“Oh,” Jack sighed, “Well it was all for nothing…”
“Why do you say that?”
“He says he never cared about me, that it was all…,” Jack was embarrassed; this was a priest he was talking to.
“Only about the sex?”
“How did you know?” Jack’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets hearing such language from the priest.
“Many, many, many years ago I once tried the same stunt on someone.”
“You don’t think he’s telling the truth?”
Father Michael sighed, “Given everything you know about Ennis, what makes you think he was the kind of guy who did that?”
Jack pondered that, “I didn’t actually believe a word of it.”
“Then?”
“That’s why I am leaving. If he wants this so bad that he is willing to say such things to get me out of the way, I have no business being here.”
“You really do love him, don't you?”
“Yes.”
“And you believe he feels that same?”
“He won't ever say it, but I know it!”
“Then don’t leave.”
“So you don’t think he should be a priest then?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then why?”
“If he is ever to become a good priest, he needs to make the decision himself.”
“I don't understand.”
“If you leave, give up on him, you are giving him an easy way out - he can move on in pain but he’d have no say in the matter. If you stay, he will be forced to truly choose.”
“I see.”
They sat silently for a moment.
“So will you help me with him?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He might want the priesthood more than he loves you.”
“Oh…,” Jack was disappointed.
“But, I can help you level the playing field with the church,” Father Michael smiled; he walked to his desk and pulled out a key handing it to Jack.
It was the wink by the Irish priest that clued Jack in; he'd been handed a spare key for the room next to his.
“How did you know…?” Jack stuttered.
“I did that, too.”
Jack smiled, grasped the key tightly and left without another word. He’d assumed Father Michael had used the same tactics on a woman, but the only lover one needed to lock out of a deacon’s quarters was a man. The key Jack held is his hand could only mean one thing.
“Who was he?” Jack paused at the door to ask.
“A deacon also, left the church asked me to go too. I didn’t.”
“Thanks,” Jack held up the key, and without waiting for a response closed the door on his way out.
**
Ennis was honestly surprised to see Jack at dinner. He’d figured Jack would leave and lick his wounds in private. Wounds that Ennis had inflicted intentionally. He felt like the lowest, vilest of humans alive.
Even more surprising was to have Jack walk up to him and sit across the table from him.
“Hello, Ennis! So how was your day?”
Ennis was bewildered; did he imagine their last conversation in which he had cut Jack to the bone? He was sure not. Yet here was Jack jolly as ever and apparently immune to the hurtful words Ennis had flung at him.
“Cat got your tongue, Ennis?”
“Um, no,” Ennis was amazed at Jack’s resilience.
“I was beginning to wonder,” Jack then turned to the deacon beside him, his name was Francis or something of the sort and struck up a conversation. He stole sly glances at Ennis every so often. Ennis was staring at him in confusion. Jack smiled and licked the spoon with which he was eating, reminding Ennis of what those lips could do.
Ennis reached for his glass and drank a gulp of water.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jack saw Father Michael watching. He turned to him and the old Irish priest winked. Jack smiled, he’d never really understand the old man, but he liked him very much.
He turned his attention back to Ennis, his love’s reaction to his presence said more than the nasty words Ennis had thrown at him. Father Michael was right; he wasn’t going to make it easy for Ennis by giving up their love.
Jack slipped his feet out of his shoes and placed them up against Ennis’ crotch under the table. Ennis drew a sharp breath and admonished him with a look, but there was nothing more he could do without attracting attention and Jack was not backing down.
Jack nonchalantly chatted away with Deacon Francis, all the while rubbing Ennis’ hardening member through his pants.
Ennis was exasperated, and not simply with the body that betrayed him at the drop of a hat, or in this case the rub of a foot, but with Jack who could be so cool while devastating him so.
He caught Jack’s eye and Jack responded with a smile. A smile that reminded him of the Jack he’d first met, cocky, arrogant and completely aware of his power over Ennis’ body.
Ennis knew enough to recognize he was screwed. Why, he wondered, did God test him like this? Other priests were protected from their human weakness by the barriers that kept men from women within the church. He had no such safety zone into which to escape and immunize himself to the next round of assault from Jack.
It somehow escaped his notice that nothing stopped him from standing up and walking away at any moment, other than the fact that in spite of himself, Ennis was enjoying Jack’s attention.
After dinner Ennis made his usual trip to the basilica for night prayers. That had usually been the one place he could expect relief from Jack. Not tonight. The basilica, usually empty at this time of the night, had one occupant. Even from a distance in the poorly lit church, Ennis could tell it was Jack.
Ennis pondered kneeling far away, after all the church was empty, but he seemed to have something to prove.
He walked up to Jack and knelt beside him.
“So are you stalking me now?”
“Shhh. I’m trying to pray.” Jack shooed him away.
“Come on Jack, don’t give me that nonsense. We both know why you are here and it has nothing to do with praying.”
“Is that so, Ennis?”
“You know it is.”
Jack simply smiled and then looked forward, pretending to ignore Ennis.
Ennis was infuriated. It would probably have been wise for him to move away and at least try to pray, but he knelt there instead staring at Jack.
“If I rattle you so much, maybe you have no business becoming a priest. Even if, as you say, it’s all about a quick fuck and nothing more,” Jack said, rising and walking away as he spoke.
Ennis ran after him. He caught up with him outside the archway of the basilica.
“Jack.”
Jack turned around and grabbed Ennis by the collar of his shirt pushed him against the stone walls and crushed their lips together.
Ennis kissed him back. It was an angry kiss, a kiss of hurting men, of wounded men, sharing a love that would not be denied.
Jack broke the kiss. “Don’t do it, Ennis,” he whispered onto his lips and walked away. He left Ennis even more perplexed than he had been all day,
confused about what to do. How to deal with Jack? How to survive this test of faith? How not to fail God?
Why couldn’t Jack see that some things were larger than one person? Larger than his own emotions? A solider who gives his life for his country does not love his family less than the man who stayed home.