Running on Empty
I can feel the darkness
As it begins to consume me.
The frailty of my heart
So apparent to anyone with eyes.
The burdens of the past
Dreg up once more
As I become lost in a dark forest.
The forest exists
In the blackest recesses of my mind,
Where I will never escape it.
Can you save me from myself,
As I am my own worst enemy?
Do you think you could
Mend the wounds that still seep
And tend to the scars that remain?
How can anyone love
Someone as broken as I?
I don't deserve love
As I am a terrible person.
I want to believe
The things that others say I am,
But all I ever seem to do is be a burden.
Perhaps I should allow
The void to devour my soul,
Numbing myself to everyone and everything.
The masks I have worn no longer fit.
My bleedin heart will run dry
With the passage of time.
And I will be nothing more
Than the walking dead.
A shell of my former self,
Now reflecting what I truly am.
Without you to save me,
This will be my destiny.
The ruins of a human being,
With no real future,
Unwavering and unfeeling.
Wandering through life numb inside,
The darkness finally winning.
Perhaps there is some comfort
In being undead,
But the forest is so cold and lonely.
Can you lead me to the light,
Or am I aleady to fargone?
I'm about at wits end now. Jen says she loves me and that she left Justin for me, but its been a week and she still refuses to be anything more than casual friends. I told her already I don't care about sex, I just want to love her and call her my own. She says that she needs to get her head straight, discover herself and figure out what she needs to do with her life. Meanwhile she keeps playing yo-yo with my heart, one step forward then two steps back over and over.
Discover herself... that's a fucking joke. A person can no more know themselves than they can spout wings and fly. The questions involved with discovering yourself are the kinds that monks spend their life in monasteries contemplating, hermits hole themselves away in mountains to learn, and modern men and women spend years in therapy hoping to discover. It's a joke. It's a piss-poor excuse for being indecisive, is what it is.
Why is she indecisive? Because she's holding out for if things work out with her and Justin. I know that's what it is. I can feel it, sense it in her actions- like the letter she wrote him but wouldn't tell me what was in it. I wasn't suppose to see it apparently, but it appeared to be something like three pages long and hand written. And the poem, too. A while back, I found a poem in her room about him, it bothered me so I turned it upside down so I wouldn't have to see the text. She's gotten rid of everything she thinks would be visible to me of him, but she doesn't know that I see it there... turned face up again. She wants to hold on to me in case things don't pan out the way she hopes.
That's my theory, anyway. I might be wrong, but that's the only explanation I can think of for why she's refusing to commit to me. Maybe I am overreacting; I did just quit smoking after all. Maybe she just needs a little more time to settle things between the two of them and make with a clean break. But that bullshit excuse about finding herself is really irking me.
And the actually real problems she says she needs to work out? Like getting a car, getting into school, etc. etc.. I can help her with those. I want to help her with those problems, because those are tangible things that we can rectify together. Jen says she wants to solve those problems on her own, but she can't! She doesn't have the means to take care of those things on her own. She doesn't have a license, so she needs someone to teach her how to drive. She doesn't know how to get the financial aid she'll need to get into school. Whether she is willing to admit it or not, right now she is between a rock and a hard place. In her current situation, there is no way out without the help of someone. She works a low-pay, dead-end job, has to bum rides to and from work, and is constantly broke because she wastes her money on other things when she should be saving that money. She's stuck in a hole and needs someone to help her out, but is too proud to reach for the hand that wants to pull her out.
I've sacrificed so much for this girl. I've bleed, cried, and felt my heart trampled for this woman. I'm not asking for much from her, just a little commitment and trust. It would be nice to be able to tell people that I'm taken. I could finally not feel so lonely, anymore. Is that asking for too much considering everything I've given to her? She did promise me that it would only be a few days then she would commit to me, now its been an entire week. My life has changed completely because of her, and for the better. Now all I want to do is return the favor. To help her when she needs me. I'm not asking to be her entire life, just to be a part of it. Promises are sacred to me, I don't know how I will react if she doesn't uphold her promise to me.
As it begins to consume me.
The frailty of my heart
So apparent to anyone with eyes.
The burdens of the past
Dreg up once more
As I become lost in a dark forest.
The forest exists
In the blackest recesses of my mind,
Where I will never escape it.
Can you save me from myself,
As I am my own worst enemy?
Do you think you could
Mend the wounds that still seep
And tend to the scars that remain?
How can anyone love
Someone as broken as I?
I don't deserve love
As I am a terrible person.
I want to believe
The things that others say I am,
But all I ever seem to do is be a burden.
Perhaps I should allow
The void to devour my soul,
Numbing myself to everyone and everything.
The masks I have worn no longer fit.
My bleedin heart will run dry
With the passage of time.
And I will be nothing more
Than the walking dead.
A shell of my former self,
Now reflecting what I truly am.
Without you to save me,
This will be my destiny.
The ruins of a human being,
With no real future,
Unwavering and unfeeling.
Wandering through life numb inside,
The darkness finally winning.
Perhaps there is some comfort
In being undead,
But the forest is so cold and lonely.
Can you lead me to the light,
Or am I aleady to fargone?
I'm about at wits end now. Jen says she loves me and that she left Justin for me, but its been a week and she still refuses to be anything more than casual friends. I told her already I don't care about sex, I just want to love her and call her my own. She says that she needs to get her head straight, discover herself and figure out what she needs to do with her life. Meanwhile she keeps playing yo-yo with my heart, one step forward then two steps back over and over.
Discover herself... that's a fucking joke. A person can no more know themselves than they can spout wings and fly. The questions involved with discovering yourself are the kinds that monks spend their life in monasteries contemplating, hermits hole themselves away in mountains to learn, and modern men and women spend years in therapy hoping to discover. It's a joke. It's a piss-poor excuse for being indecisive, is what it is.
Why is she indecisive? Because she's holding out for if things work out with her and Justin. I know that's what it is. I can feel it, sense it in her actions- like the letter she wrote him but wouldn't tell me what was in it. I wasn't suppose to see it apparently, but it appeared to be something like three pages long and hand written. And the poem, too. A while back, I found a poem in her room about him, it bothered me so I turned it upside down so I wouldn't have to see the text. She's gotten rid of everything she thinks would be visible to me of him, but she doesn't know that I see it there... turned face up again. She wants to hold on to me in case things don't pan out the way she hopes.
That's my theory, anyway. I might be wrong, but that's the only explanation I can think of for why she's refusing to commit to me. Maybe I am overreacting; I did just quit smoking after all. Maybe she just needs a little more time to settle things between the two of them and make with a clean break. But that bullshit excuse about finding herself is really irking me.
And the actually real problems she says she needs to work out? Like getting a car, getting into school, etc. etc.. I can help her with those. I want to help her with those problems, because those are tangible things that we can rectify together. Jen says she wants to solve those problems on her own, but she can't! She doesn't have the means to take care of those things on her own. She doesn't have a license, so she needs someone to teach her how to drive. She doesn't know how to get the financial aid she'll need to get into school. Whether she is willing to admit it or not, right now she is between a rock and a hard place. In her current situation, there is no way out without the help of someone. She works a low-pay, dead-end job, has to bum rides to and from work, and is constantly broke because she wastes her money on other things when she should be saving that money. She's stuck in a hole and needs someone to help her out, but is too proud to reach for the hand that wants to pull her out.
I've sacrificed so much for this girl. I've bleed, cried, and felt my heart trampled for this woman. I'm not asking for much from her, just a little commitment and trust. It would be nice to be able to tell people that I'm taken. I could finally not feel so lonely, anymore. Is that asking for too much considering everything I've given to her? She did promise me that it would only be a few days then she would commit to me, now its been an entire week. My life has changed completely because of her, and for the better. Now all I want to do is return the favor. To help her when she needs me. I'm not asking to be her entire life, just to be a part of it. Promises are sacred to me, I don't know how I will react if she doesn't uphold her promise to me.